


Tongue-tied

by angelcakkes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Jeno/OC for a little bit, Lee Jeno is Whipped, Light Angst, Love Triangles, M/M, Minor Character Death, Pining, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Slightly - Freeform, Slow Burn, Swearing, Teenage Drama, Underage Drinking, oblivious renjun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 82,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22449526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcakkes/pseuds/angelcakkes
Summary: In which Lee Jeno falls first.(And Renjun falls second, but is the last person to realize it.)
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 144
Kudos: 508
Collections: 1





	1. High school - part one

**Author's Note:**

> sigh... this is gonna be a long one...
> 
> ANYWAYS, HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MOTHER OF ALL MY WIPS!  
> I originally wanted this to be a one-shot, but then decided to make it a two-shot with one part for high school and another for college. But the high school part is already getting so long I decided to break it up for easier reading???  
> I've been nurturing this idea for quite a while and wanted to explore more renjun/female relationships so we're here with this, I guess.  
> The girl in this fic is an OC BUT! Her name and even appearance for me is Chaewon from IZ*ONE WHOM I LOVE!! But you don't have to know her well or anything since this is still strictly an original character considering characterization is strictly mine.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: All characters portrayed in this work are fictional and should therefore be treated as such. Any and all mistakes are mine.
> 
> The title for this fic is taken by the song of the same name by group love.  
> Rough edit as usual.

Like any other cliché, they meet in high school.

It’s the threshold of Jeno’s senior year wherein he first sets his eyes upon Huang Renjun. They – as in, Jeno, Jaemin, and Donghyuck – are crowded around Donghyuck as he’s complaining about the oncoming year already and how his parents are making him continue with accelerated math, even though he hates the subject and it’s an obvious outlier amidst his other, artsier, subjects. Jaemin’s trying to coax him, somewhat, leaning his shoulder against the locker beside Donghyuck’s as he tells the latter he’ll live because at least he’s good at it.

“I’m good at everything,” Donghyuck says matter-of-factly, “but that doesn’t mean I want to waste my time on a subject I won’t pursue.”

Jeno’s quietly listening, letting Donghyuck and Jaemin carry the conversation as they usually do, moving on to what subjects Jaemin chose for his final year, and what he’s dropped out of.

It’s not unusual for him to be silent because they know he’s listening and will speak up when needed to.

Jaemin’s in the middle of a frenzied monologue about his excitement on taking biology units 3 and 4 (something jock-Jeno and artsy-slash-mathematical Donghyuck can’t relate to) when someone clears their throat behind him.

Cut off midway, Jaemin looks back over his shoulder.

“Excuse me, this is my locker.”

“Oh,” Jaemin moves off immediately, “sorry.”

The stranger is a boy of small stature; silky, nut-brown hair that falls just above dark, glittering eyes. The first impression that flashes through Jeno’s mind is, _he’s really pretty_.

“Hey, Hyuck,” pretty boy greets after acknowledging them one by one with a smile. It takes Jeno out of trance instantly, like popping a bubble.

“Renjunnie, how was your summer?”

The male shrugs, his nose scrunching a little, cutely. He piles two big textbooks – physics, Jeno notes – on top of one another and hugs it to his chest, “could’ve gone better, none of that _last summer of high school_ romance that I was expecting.”

Donghyuck _ahh_ s like he understands, which he sort of does because Mark spent his summer before college in Canada with his family, and Donghyuck subsequently spent the whole summer moping over his boyfriend and bothering Jeno and Jaemin. So, yeah, his whole summer was _literally_ romance-less too.

“Tell me about it.”

“Oh yeah,” Renjun clicks his tongue, “a whole year without Mark –“

Donghyuck whinges, “don’t remind me, I think I’m gonna die.”

Renjun pats his shoulder sympathetically.

Shutting his locker, he raises his knee to rest the weight of his textbooks against it and gathers his strength before hugging them to his chest again. Jeno has half a heart to ask him if he needs help, but Jaemin beats him to it.

“No no, it’s fine, I have to do this for the rest of the year so, better get used to it now.” Then he’s off with a small wave, telling Donghyuck he’ll see him in class.

“Isn’t that Yangyang’s friend?” Jaemin asks, sounding sure, “I always see him front-row at games.”

“Yeah, Lucas too,” Donghyuck adds as they move away from the lockers and down the hall, three bodies as one between the mass of students rushing around before morning classes, “we had calc together last year, and have math together this year.”

Jeno remains silent, seemingly the only one who had no idea of Renjun’s existence prior to now. He tries to recall Renjun’s face amongst the front group of spectators he remembers obscenely screaming and cheering for Yangyang and Lucas – two players on his team – but to no avail. His inability to remember the pretty boy leaves him miffed, but it’s not surprising. Jeno has a knack for being completely oblivious to anyone beyond his immediate group of friends

Yet it was only inevitable that they met – if one can even call the encounter a meeting – due to the intangible web of friends that seemed to connect them in one way or another.

To put it simply, Jeno plays for the school soccer team, _the_ _Vikings_. Their team is one of the best in the district and Jeno himself is known to be one of the best attacking-midfielders in the school’s history.

It goes without saying that he is very popular, and it’s only magnified when he’s best friends with the devilishly handsome Jaemin and sociable Donghyuck, who apparently knows everybody and everything. Not to mention Mark, who is Donghyuck’s boyfriend and will go down in their school history as the kid who excelled at _everything_ , and spunky little Yerim. But they graduated the previous year, so their group of five is down to three, for now.

On the team, there’s also Yangyang, who was previously a defensive midfielder but took over Lucas’ position as right-winger after the latter graduated. Yangyang is friends with Renjun, Chaewon, and Chenle – who is the only person Jeno _actually_ knows because of Jisung, who is Chenle’s best friend and Jaemin’s neighbour-slash- _little brother he never had_. Jisung often flits between the groups but spends most of his time wherever Chenle is.

Then there’s Lucas, Xiaojun, and Hendery, who are also part of Yangyang’s circle. They often shared the same classes with Mark and Yerim, and are now their own group at college. Jeno can vaguely recall exchanging a couple of words with Xiaojun and Hendery before when they’d storm into the locker room to give Lucas and Yangyang good luck punches, but that’s about it.

So, really, the meeting was inevitable.

It’s only when Jeno enters his second-period Literature class that their chance encounter slips into a pattern.

Renjun is seated in the middle row by the window, and with students hurriedly filing in, the only spare spots left are front row seats and the one right beside him.

Since Jeno would rather take a ball to the face than sit in the front row, he walks right over.

“Hi, is this seat taken?”

“Oh,” Renjun startles to attention, turning away from the window to smile at Jeno, “no, go ahead.”

Jeno sits down and sets out his things.

With only a couple minutes until the lesson starts, the room is buzzing with chatter; some students squeezing in stories of their summer, some in open anguish about not having read the required text. Jeno’s own copy of _Frankenstein_ lays pristine and untouched before him.

Frankly, Jeno doesn’t know how he ended up taking literature of all subjects. Since his goal is to play soccer professionally, he’ll be applying for a sports scholarship anyways, so literature isn’t something he really needs. But his parents have been pressuring him to keep a back-up track, in case of any serious injuries or change of heart, and literature just so happens to be one of the only subjects Jeno remotely enjoys, even if he’s not so good at it.

He looks over at Renjun from the corner of his eye and sees that the boy already has his book open. A plethora of fluorescent colours highlight sections of the text and bookmarks stick out from up, down, and all around.

“How’d you find the book?” Jeno hears himself say. What propelled him to make small talk – something Jeno _never_ engages in – is beyond him.

Renjun looks pensive for a second, eyes flitting down to the page, then back up, “well, I can certainly see why it’s such a renowned novel, and the lenses to read the text through are endless. It’s definitely very complex – one of those books that make you think for a while.”

“But?” Jeno says, feeling Renjun left an open space for a countering thought.

Except Renjun shakes his head, a small smile playing on his lips, “no but. It’s a good book, but definitely not for everyone. It’s a lot to consider, themes and all.”

Jeno casts his eyes down at his own copy and silently condemns himself, “great.”

“You haven’t read it,” Renjun says, surely, cracking a toothy smile

“I had training,” Jeno defends himself, omitting the part where training lasted for two weeks only and he spent the rest of the summer playing video games.

“Right, of course,” Renjun deflects. A knowing smile lingers on his lips.

They return to their own. Jeno flips through his novel in a poor attempt to skim through what he can in two minutes. He catches Renjun doing the same, but slowly, turning over each page delicately with his forefinger and thumb as he reads through his notes tabbed at each highlighted quote.

Jeno can’t help but feel a little embarrassed at his own lack of preparation. Though there are many others like him, he doesn’t want to look like he doesn’t care about the subject or is here to waste time.

Especially not in front of Renjun.

He’ll be damned if Jaemin and Donghyuck ever find out, but Jeno can’t help sneaking little glances at the boy beside him. Somehow, his face is even prettier when concentrating. His eyes are wide as they roam over the page, brows relaxed and mouth open ever so slightly.

Jeno’s seen a lot of pretty people, girls and boys alike, but Renjun –

How did he miss Renjun?

His thoughts are interrupted when the teacher walks in, loudly greeting them and starting the lesson with no time to waste.

Renjun pulls his chair closer to his desk and props an elbow up, resting his head in one hand and ready to take notes with the other.

Jeno straightens in his seat and shoves thoughts of Renjun’s face aside. He clicks his pen open.

In the space between the second and third period, as everyone hurriedly packs up and bolts out the door, Renjun is neatly packing his things away when Jeno interrupts.

“I’m Jeno, by the way.”

Renjun blinks at his outstretched hand, then takes it with a small smile.

“I know who you are,” he says haphazardly, then is quick to clarify himself, “I mean, you’re Jeno, and also, we’ve met. Through friends.”

“Yeah,” Jeno rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks growing warmer the longer Renjun smiles at him, “well, now we meet formally.”

“Okay then, I’m Renjun. Nice to formally meet you.”

After that, the pair strike up an unexpected friendship.

Between seeing each other for two hours every day, double on Wednesdays, and Renjun’s sociable character, it’s hard for Jeno _not_ to become friends with Renjun.

Renjun fits alongside Jeno like the missing puzzle piece he never knew was missing. The same, yet not completely.

Where Jeno is quiet, his outlooks more realistic, and prefers simplicity above all, Renjun is the opposite. Fiery, opinionated, and a hopeless romantic with an affinity for justice. But, they meet in the middle via teasing and banter, bouncing off their shared _lame_ humour (assigned to both by Donghyuck) and knack for mischief – although Jeno is much, much more subdued.

His presence rapidly becomes the brightest thing in Jeno’s life, and without him, there’s an obvious void left behind.

It’s a wonder how they haven’t always been like this. How Jeno is only meeting Renjun, or more so giving him a chance, this late into his high school career. Renjun, likewise, expresses the same thought.

“I always thought I knew Lee Jeno,” he says one morning in a hushed voice as the rest of the class finishes up the essay they were supposed to write during the summer. Renjun has already done it, so he’s moved on to a different prompt.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeno asks when Renjun says no more, his thought left half-finished.

“I don’t know,” Renjun shrugs, looking up from his book to face Jeno, “you’re just not like what I expected.”

“And what was that?”

Renjun shrugs again, “a boring and cold jock who’s full of himself.”

Jeno blinks back, slightly stunned. Is that how he comes off to people who don’t know him?

“I mean, you were always there at the dinners or parties after matches when our friends would chat, sometimes, but you wouldn’t say anything to us. I just assumed you were –“ Renjun gestures to vaguely explain. Then with a smirk, he says, “but now I finally understand how you’re friends with Donghyuck and Jaemin.”

He reaches out to pinch Jeno’s cheek that instantly burns scarlet at the touch. The reaction delights Renjun and only makes him tease Jeno for the rest of the lesson, quietly singing _Shy Boy_ as he pinches Jeno’s cheek and arm.

-

Their friendship comes as a surprise to the rest of their friends too, particularly Donghyuck and Jaemin.

“You don’t belong here,” Donghyuck says as soon as he walks up to their usual table at the cafeteria.

Renjun pulls himself out of the conversation with Jeno to look at Donghyuck dryly, “gee, way to make a guy feel welcome.”

Donghyuck makes a face and proceeds to sit down. When Jaemin arrives a couple of minutes later, he more or less has a similar reaction. Their reactions are not so much from the fact that Renjun is sitting at their table, because their social-circles have mingled before, it’s more so from the fact that Renjun is sitting at their table, alone, with Jeno.

And they are talking. Rather immersed too.

Taking a seat across, the no-good duo gape as Jeno and Renjun continue to converse, blatantly ignoring their existence.

When Renjun spots Chaewon arriving at their usual table a few rows down, he bids goodbye to the trio and takes his leave.

“What was _that_?” Donghyuck throws a look Jeno’s way.

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you friends with Renjun?”

Jeno scrunches his nose and looks up from his sandwich, “I can’t be friends with Renjun?”

“No – because you’re Jeno, and you supposedly _don’t need any more friends_ ,” Donghyuck air quotes.

Jeno can’t remember saying that, but it definitely sounds like something he would say. Still, feeling rather attacked, he says, “when did I say that?”

“Remember when Lucas invited us to his house for game-night once, and you didn’t go because you didn’t want to talk to people you didn’t know,” Jaemin reminds him, then takes a loud slurp from his juice-box.

“Well, Renjun’s different,” Jeno gives the excuse. Immediately he realises the elusive meaning behind his words, watching Jaemin and Donghyuck’s eyes saucer in their sockets.

“He’s nice, and very, very friendly!” He adds quickly, shutting them up before they can say anything else, “and we sit next to each other in Literature, and he helps me with writing, so, that’s that.”

Donghyuck and Jaemin share a look that doesn’t sit well with Jeno. He suddenly feels like an exposed wire, or like he’s been turned inside out.

See, along with the steadfast friendship that managed to form between him and Renjun, there’s something else, and Jeno’s fairly sure that s _omething_ is what his peers would call a crush.

But Jeno doesn’t crush on anyone. Oh, no – Jeno only gets crushed _on_. He’s used to always being on the receiving end of affection, so his feelings for Renjun are certainly novel and unprecedented, to say the least.

Basically, Jeno’s days have been a little brighter ever since he met Renjun.

Every morning he wakes up with a new eagerness to go to school, steps into his second periods with a spring in his step (which he tries to hide) at the thought of seeing Renjun’s bright smile.

He finds himself reaching out to Renjun more, physically that is, touching his arm or brushing their hands together at any given chance. Renjun is ticklish too, so usually, when he’s having a bit too much fun teasing Jeno, the latter will resort to tickling him until his face is red with suppressed laughter. The glare Renjun throws his way afterwards has the same effect as being struck by lightning – absolutely electric.

He’s rather small too, with thin arms and tiny hands, which Jeno finds completely endearing considering Renjun’s personality is larger than any body that could contain him.

With such features, it’s near impossible for Jeno to keep his hands off. The urge to have Renjun constantly in his arms or sitting on his lap, the urge to protect Renjun from everything and anything even though he knows full well that the boy is completely capable, is like a raging wave that won’t let up.

Renjun is bubbly and bright with energy; pretty and handsome all at once. His eyes are dazzling and captivating; his smile bears a glow that comes from within.

Not to mention, Renjun has Jeno hooked on his words. His eloquence is enamouring, the way he argues his points with conviction, always sound and just when discussing their text. Truthfully, Jeno doesn’t understand a lot of what Renjun says, about how the weather mimics the emotions of the characters, or the correlation between _Victor_ and _Prome_ – whoever, but he does know, that he could probably listen to Renjun speak forever.

Renjun’s laughter rings in his ears even hours after the pair had seen each other, and his face lingers behind his eyes even at night, just as Jeno’s about to go to sleep. When Jeno turns on his side and looks at the night sky out of his window, he thinks of Renjun’s eyes and how they’d put the stars to shame.

These feelings are startling to Jeno, as he’s never felt this way before about anyone. He’s definitely not the type to believe in _love at first sight_ or _meeting_ either, if that’s what you would call this. But Renjun is pretty – beautiful actually – inside and out, and Jeno thinks, maybe, he could start to believe in Renjun.

Maybe, if given the chance, he would very much like to go out on a date with him. Maybe even kiss him.

So, does Jeno have a crush? Maybe – okay, yes, he definitely has a crush, but it’s not as if acknowledging it will change anything.

Jeno will simply take his feelings and sit on them, hoping nobody (Renjun especially) will notice, because he doesn’t know what else to do with them. And, they have a good thing going, why should he change it now?

Besides, Jeno’s not one to take matters regarding feelings into his own hands. It’s messy and he gets awkward easily. If they’re friends long enough and things between them change naturally, then good. If not, that’s fine with him too.

-

Elsewhere, Renjun faces a similar interrogation.

“Since when were you and Lee Jeno close?”

Renjun takes his seat across Chaewon, softly laughing, “why, jealous?”

Chaewon’s ears give her away easily, “answer the question, little Huang.”

“We have literature together,” he answers coolly, “he sits next to me.” Spearing a piece of carrot with his fork, he wags it at Chaewon, “since when did you have a crush on Jeno, and how come I didn’t know of this before?”

“I don’t have a crush.“

“Lies,” Renjun tuts, popping the carrot into his mouth, “I’m disappointed, I thought you’d be different, but you’re just like everyone else and their crush on Lee Jeno, _the jock_.”

“I don’t like him because he’s a jock, if that was the criteria then I’d be dating Yangyang –“

“Gross –“

“Exactly, also, didn’t you like Lucas at one point?” Chaewon leans across the table with a smirk, watching Renjun’s face turn sheet white at the memory.

“First of all, I was a different person back then, probably possessed, and second of all, he wasn’t on the team then.”

Chaewon rolls her eyes and waves him off, “anyways, back to Lee Jeno, what’s he like?”

“He’s sweet, really sweet,” Renjun kisses his teeth and nods, “nothing like what we thought –“

“ – _you_ thought –“

“ – very hardworking too. Terrible at essay writing. Oh, and a total nerd for video games. That’s probably why he’s bad at essays.”

Chaewon laughs under her breath, “he’s always quiet, but I’m not surprised… he sounds,” she regards Renjun raising a brow at her, tongue-in-cheek, “he sounds great. You should invite him to sit with us, with his friends.”

“Please don’t hit on him, I don’t want you scaring him off.”

“I won’t hit on him!” She huffs, “what do you think I am? I just wanna look at his pretty face, my eyes need to rest from having to look at you guys half the time.”

“- YO!” Yangyang announces his arrival at the table, sitting down beside Chaewon.

“What’re we talking about?” Yangyang asks.

“Chaewon has a crush on Jeno,” Renjun blurts before she can stop him.

“Renjun!”

“Chaewon!” Yangyang looks at her, aghast, “I’m disappointed.”

“He’s nice!”

“How would you know? He doesn’t talk to anyone!”

“He’s friends with Renjun!”

Now it’s Renjun’s turn to be on the receiving end of Yangyang’s shocked and confused stare.

“You two are _FRIENDS_?”

Renjun sighs, “oh my God –“

Renjun and Chaewon’s friendship dates back to the first winter vacation in middle school.

The two were at an ice-skating rink with their respective families. Chaewon, too focused on her feet as she struggled to get the hang of standing on both ice and thin blades, shuffled headfirst into Renjun’s unsuspecting face.

Renjun was immediately knocked off-kilter, splayed out on the ice in silence, dumb from the impact on his face and the back of his head as it hit the cool floor.

A warm liquid trickled down from his nose and onto his lip. He tasted blood.

“OH NO! MUMMY! MUMMYYYYY!! OH NOOOO!”

Chaewon fell to her knees, eyes pooling over as she leaned over Renjun’s sorry form. Her face was twisted horribly from crying in shock, garbling out apology after apology.

Renjun was still reeling from the impact of the hit and the taste of blood in his mouth. His nose had started to twinge with pain and his chest started to build up, up, with tears.

It was only after both of their mothers came rushing over and Renjun’s mum cradled him in her arms did the sobs rip out of him.

The whole rink came to a halt and turned to look at the two strange kids, bawling their eyes out; one blubbering out a string of apologies and the other bleeding uncontrollably from his face. Drops of crimson dribble down Renjun’s chin and splatter onto the glassy, ice floor. He cries harder, and that just makes Chaewon cry harder too.

After about an hour of laying on his mother’s lap as she nursed his nose, Renjun finally calmed down. Chaewon eventually waddled over with her mother, eyes watery and nose sniffling, and mumbled out a coherent apology.

Renjun rose, squeezing his nose shut with a wet cloth, and squeaked out a gentle, “it’s okay! It was an accident. If you want, I’ll teach you how to skate after I’m feeling better?”

Chaewon instantly lit up with a sunny smile and nodded.

The two bonded over Renjun’s skills in ice-skating and Chaewon’s lack thereof and quickly grew closer and closer over the course of the vacation.

On the first Monday, after winter vacation was over, Chaewon had slammed herself down beside Renjun at the cafeteria, and the two haven’t separated since.

From going to school together even though they lived in opposite directions, to going home together. From breaks and lunches to afternoons, weekends, and holidays together; from going to school dances together, hand in hand – they became inseparable.

In the beginning, they’d often get asked, with how attached they were to one another, if they were _together_ in any way, only for them to dismiss any rumours as being simply _best friends_.

Even though many of their peers found it hard to believe at first, after a while, everyone else around them accepted that there was no Renjun without Chaewon, and no Chaewon without Renjun, and that they were simply, only, the best of friends.

-

Falling first and then allowing feelings to stew is not as easy as Jeno hoped it would be.

He discovers this the hard way when he slowly finds himself unable to meet Renjun’s gaze without his heart starting to flutter at the speed of a humming bird’s wings, or unable to be without Renjun for a minute before he’s thinking of him again.

And it’s not any easier when they are together.

When Renjun is with him, Jeno becomes hyperaware of his presence, bearing in mind that this is the person that he has a crush on – a feeling for.

But it’s not in a way that has Jeno blushing whenever they are together. Rather, he finds himself acting out of character, braver, keening into Renjun’s touches, taking a step further by placing a hand on his thigh whenever Renjun comes near, or a hand on his back. His chin finds a home hooked on Renjun’s shoulder as the latter explains board notes – or something. Jeno isn’t really listening. He’s far, far too preoccupied studying the slope of Renjun’s nose and the curve of his lips.

Sometimes, when they share free periods, Jeno will accompany Renjun to the library. As Renjun gets lost in the forest of stories and poems, his finger trailing down spine after spine, Jeno will wrap his arms around Renjun’s middle. His hands will lock them in place on top of Renjun’s stomach, and his chin – where else, but propped on Renjun’s shoulder.

It gets worse because Renjun doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he leans into the touches too, resting his hand above Jeno’s where he holds him, or, tilting back so that they are touching chest to back, his head against Jeno’s shoulder.

The feeling of longing zips through Jeno’s veins, and he’s being swept away by the current.

Renjun looks up from Jeno’s essay and sighs. They just got their first assignments back, and although it won’t hold too much weight on the final mark, the big, red 62% doesn’t sit well in Jeno’s stomach.

“Jeno, this is good but –“ He breaks off to sigh again. Jeno squeezes his thigh. “You’re too straightforward.”

“I thought we’re meant to _not_ drag our explanation on.”

“Yeah, but you don’t really explain anything. You just kind of –“ Renjun waves his hands around, “instead of explaining it to me, you just told me. Do you understand?”

Jeno nods slowly and unconvincingly.

“Here, read mine.”

In comparison to Jeno, Renjun achieved an outstanding 95%. His only errors being grammatical mistakes he overlooked while editing.

“You also… you’re just touching the surface of the book, not really going in-depth… you have a very good understanding of the themes, but It’s not about that only, you need to talk about the language used and why,” Renjun remarks as he highlights and circles the parts where Jeno needs work, adding in some changes of his own.

Jeno hands him back his assignment after he’s done reading, to which Renjun asks him, “do you get what I did differently?”

Jeno smiles sheepishly, “sorry –“

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll help you. What’re you doing after school?”

“I have practice.”

“Oh, right,” Renjun looks to the side for a moment, thinking, “how about I come to watch, then after, we can go study at the library.”

Jeno turns the thought over in his head. Studying alone with Renjun sounded tempting, but he didn’t really feel like going back to a tense environment like the library.

“How about we head over to my place instead?”

“Sure,” Renjun neatly files his papers away into a plastic sleeve before putting it in his bag, “I don’t mind.”

“Great, I’ll see you at practice then?”

On cue, the bell for the end of third-period sounds. The class bursts to life immediately; the sound of chairs scraping the floor and rustling bags fills the air.

Renjun zips up his bag and swings it over his shoulder. He flashes Jeno a smile and an _okay_ sign with his fingers before heading out for break.

Jeno’s the first one on the field that practice session. Running onto the grass and still straightening his jersey, his eyes instantly scan the bleachers.

There are a bunch of other faces present, some of them he recognises to be friends of other players, some are fans, and amongst those, some he recognises to be there for him. He gives them a polite wave as he usually does and is about to turn away, thinking Renjun might show up a little later – when he sees him.

Renjun is shuffling sideways along the front row seats to a spot further away from the crowd. When he finally looks up, he spots Jeno straightaway and waves.

“REN?!”

Jeno hears Yangyang yell from behind. The younger jogs past him and runs up to the bleachers. Jeno walks after him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to support my friend, what else,” Renjun says as he leans onto the rails.

Yangyang senses Jeno behind him. He turns and looks between them, then groans, “of course you’re here for him.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Yang presses his tongue against his cheek, strolling away, “nothing.”

Renjun rolls his eyes and turns back to Jeno, “don’t mind him, he’s an idiot.”

“He’s right though,” Jeno smiles, “you’re gonna be so bored for an hour.”

“Ah, my good friend, don’t you worry,” Renjun flashes his phone screen where he’s got Youtube open and ready to go, “I’ve come prepared.”

Jeno’s about to comment when the coach calls him back, swiping the grin off his face. He jogs back to the group, looking back once just to see Renjun take a seat and pop his earphones in.

Needless to say, practice goes just a little bit better with Renjun there, knowing he can steal a few glances from time to time. Especially when sometimes, Renjun glances back.

Renjun meets Jeno outside of the locker room so they can walk to Jeno’s place together.

As the weather cools down, the sun starts to set faster, so by the time they’re standing on Jeno’s porch the sky has already turned a warm tangerine.

Jeno digs through his bag for his keys while Renjun stands by, teetering on his feet. Once the door is finally open, Jeno lets him inside first.

“My parents won’t be home till late, so we have the house to ourselves, we can set up anywhere. For now, let me show –“

“Jeno? Who’s with you? Jaemin?”

Jeno’s face instantly shifts into a look of confusion. He kicks his shoes off, Renjun doing the same, and walks into the living room.

A girl pops her head out of the kitchen door and blinks at Renjun.

“You’re not Jaemin.”

Renjun blinks back, not knowing how to reply to that, but Jeno covers for him.

“Don’t be rude, what’re you doing home anyway?”

“I’m not being rude, I’m making an observation.” She turns her attention to Renjun again and squints, then suddenly, smiles, “hi, I’m Jeno’s sister, Yeeun. Sorry about that, I’m just not used to seeing anyone other than his usual posse. Jeno doesn’t normally bring people ho –“

“Oh my God,” Jeno groans into his palms and ushers Renjun to step back into the hallway. Renjun takes about two steps, then looks back pleadingly at Jeno, suddenly feeling very out of place and very awkward.

Yeeun looks back at Jeno with a scowl, “why didn’t you tell me you were bringing someone home? I only made food for one.”

“You’re not even supposed to be home. Why are you here in the middle of the week?”

“This is my home two years before it’s yours, so I can be here whenever I want,” Yeeun then disappears into the kitchen with a huff.

Jeno shakes his head and sighs. Turning back to Renjun, he offers an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry, let’s go straight up.”

Jeno’s room is exactly how Renjun imagined it would be. Like Jeno, it’s simple in colour and furniture, with only a bed along the opposite wall, a bookshelf and a desk next to the door. There’s also a bean-bag squished up in the corner and a fan set up at the end of the bed.

Although small, it’s cosy, and the plain walls, large window and mirrored built-in wardrobe doors make the room look and feel bigger than it is. It’s tidy as well and smells like fabric softener, which Renjun guesses to be from the linen spread across the neatly made bed.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower,” Jeno says, shrugging his jacket off and hanging it on the hooks behind the door, “you can start setting up. There’s a guest bathroom downstairs too if you want to freshen up?”

Renjun nods wordlessly which Jeno takes as a go-ahead to leave.

Once he’s alone, his curiosity gets the better of him and he starts to take a closer look around the room.

Jeno’s desk has his laptop set up in the centre, a box of tissues behind it, a small lap and a pen holder. Simple as expected.

On the wall behind the desk, though, are pictures of his friends. Some are polaroids, some he probably printed from his phone. There’s one in the centre of Jeno, beaming like Renjun’s never seen before, with his arms around Mark and Jaemin’s shoulders while Donghyuck is lifting Yerim up at the side. Looking at it, Renjun can’t help but smile too, looking at it.

His eyes trail over to the next one, a photo of Jeno and his sister, presumably when they were little. Jeno’s sitting cross-legged on the couch, glasses perched on his nose, holding up two baby kittens to the camera while his sister nurses one in her lap with a baby bottle. In another, it’s Jeno with his team, huddled together and around a trophy that Lucas holds up. Yangyang is there too, probably mid victorious scream, judging by his face.

Renjun recognises the photo to be from last year. It was the final game of the year, held at their school. Renjun had gone to watch too, with Chaewon, Chenle, and Jisung. If he remembers correctly, it was dubbed the best game the team has ever played by many of the students and even the school newspaper. Jeno probably believed the same.

“Hey,” Jeno returns to the room drying his hair with a towel. He’s changed into sweats and a loose t-shirt, his glasses sitting on his nose, “what’re you doing?”

Renjun straightens and returns to the bed to take out his laptop and books, “that was fast. I was just looking at that photo, I remember that game.”

“You were there?”

“Of course you don’t remember! I was at the after-party too!”

“Well, did we talk?” Jeno drapes the towel over the chair and crouches down beside the bed. He shakes his fringe out of his eyes.

“No…” Renjun trails off, looking elsewhere, “I talked to Donghyuck, I wanted to… but you’re kind of intimidating, did you know that?”

Jeno recalls the same words being said to him many times before, by people who wanted to befriend him, people who fancied him, and even by his teammates before they became friends.

“I’ve been told, yes.”

Renjun’s expression softens. He sweeps Jeno’s bangs back with his hand then cups his cheek, gently patting it, and coos, “who knew Jeno Lee was just a big sentimental baby who likes cats and has photos of his friends everywhere.”

Jeno swats his hand away and shakes his head until his fringe falls back over his eyes. “Shut up,” he mumbles, and pushes Renjun back against the pillows.

After Renjun freshens up (in the upstairs bathroom since Jeno doesn’t want him running into Yeeun again), they start to work on an essay prompt together as practice.

Jeno sits on the side of the bed against the wall, legs crossed, while Renjun sits beside him, balancing the laptop on his outstretched legs. After some time deconstructing the prompt, they start to flesh out a plan for the essay before finally starting work on the actual thing.

“I think we should take a break,” Jeno says, reclining against the pillows.

Renjun stops typing to send Jeno a glare, “we just started writing.”

“We’ve been talking about it for so long though, it feels like we already have an essay done.”

“It hasn’t even been an hour yet!”

Jeno hushes and pulls him down to lay beside him. Unexpectedly. Renjun complies quite easily, placing the laptop on the floor and shimmying down until they’re laying eye to eye.

It’s only then that Jeno realizes the situation.

Renjun is in his room, in his bed, lying next to him, and they’re so impossibly close that Jeno can make out every one of Renjun’s eyelashes. From this position, Jeno wouldn’t have to do much to land a kiss on Renjun’s lips.

“What’re you staring at?” Renjun asks, his cheek squished against the pillow. The sight makes Jeno want to kick and scream.

“I want to…” Jeno swallows thickly, his eyes darting down to Renjun’s lips, always so soft and red, “…take a nap.”

“What? No! Jeno!” Renjun slaps his back as Jeno feigns sleep, closing his eyes and snoring obnoxiously. “If you’re just gonna sleep, I might as well go home.”

“Okay, okay, I’m awake!” Jeno sits up immediately and stretches. Renjun giggles, slowly getting up.

They resume work and soon enough are already starting the second body. Jeno takes notes diligently, listening intently to Renjun’s advice on how to word things better, how to dig deeper into the text when his phone rings all of a sudden.

“It’s my sister, I’ll be right back.”

Alone once more, Renjun sets the laptop down on the floor again and stands up to stretch his legs. Jeno returns a moment later to call Renjun downstairs.

“I think we should stop for today. You’ll have to go home soon and my parents still won’t be back, but my sister refuses to let you leave without feeding you.”

“Yeah, fine by me.”

After packing up his things, Renjun follows Jeno downstairs to the dining where Yeeun has set out the food. She smiles at Renjun when he thanks her for the trouble, telling him to eat well before retreating upstairs.

They take some food onto a plate each, fried noodles and dumplings, and head to the living room to watch TV as they eat. Jeno flicks through the channels, grumbling that there’s nothing good to watch before settling on a channel showing reruns of _Knight Rider_.

“I wanted that car so badly when I was little,” Renjun comments, nostalgia unfurling inside him as David Hasselhoff and KITT argue on the screen.

Jeno chuckles beside him and mutters something about the car being annoying, which he gets kicked for.

“Don’t be rude.”

They eat and watch in silence. Jeno finishes first and takes his plate back to the kitchen while Renjun takes his time, chewing slowly, eyes transfixed on the TV. Jeno checks the time to see that it’s getting late, but can’t find the heart to rush Renjun out. There’s something sound and comforting about his presence that Jeno isn’t ready to let go of yet, even though he’ll see him again tomorrow.

It’s the privacy they share right now, the intimacy of sharing a couch in his living room and watching 80s TV, that Jeno wants to hold forever. He realises, as Renjun watches the screen, that even though he’s been wanting nothing but to kiss and hold Renjun for the past couple of months, right now he wants none of that. All he wants is this.

When Jeno’s parents announce their return, Renjun startles to reality.

“Shit shit shit,” he hurriedly scoops the last of his meal into his mouth and runs to the kitchen, “I’m so sorry, I overstayed.”

“No – not at all,” Jeno pries the dish out of Renjun’s hands and tells him to leave it, “we can drop you off, it’s dark out.”

After some thought, Renjun hangs his head, “sorry for the trouble.”

Much like his sister, Jeno’s parents are surprised to see an unfamiliar face in their home this late. They exchange pleasantries, hurried along by Jeno before his mother can say anything embarrassing.

Jeno and Renjun sit together at the back. The ride is silent between them; the radio quietly plays soft jazz as his mother hums along. Renjun stares out the window, hugging his bag to his chest, and watches the moon follow him home.

“Here,” he says, and Jeno’s mother pulls up along the curb of a single-story house.

The street lights illuminate the house, and Jeno can make out a stone path that leads to the front door. It’s bordered by florae of all colours, deep purple, magenta, and marigold. The lawn is clean and evergreen. He can only imagine how beautiful it must look in daylight. A house that suits the person who lives in it.

“Umm, thanks for having me,” Renjun says once he’s stepped outside.

“Oh, I’ll walk you to the door.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” he turns to Jeno’s mother and bows his head, “I’m sorry for the trouble Mrs Lee, thank you.”

She tuts and shakes her head, “no trouble at all, come again soon, dear.”

With a fleeting smile at Jeno, Renjun shuts the door and hurries up to his door, his bag bouncing against his back. They wait until Renjun gets inside before driving off.

-

“Where were you yesterday?” Chaewon asks as soon as Renjun slides into the seat next to her, “you missed out on a lot on the group chat.”

“Yeah, I know, I checked to see more than 200 unread messages, I wasn’t ready to go through that.”

“That was mostly just Chenle breaking up one sentence into six messages.”

“Of course,” Renjun flips open his legal textbook and looks over to Chaewon’s open book, “what chapter – four.”

“Yangyang said you went home with Jeno,” Chaewon leans across to Renjun’s side and pokes his ribs, wiggling her brows, “what’s all that about, hmm?”

Renjun wacks her hands away, stifling a laugh, “stop, I just went to help him with writing!” He retaliates by poking her back, “don’t try twisting it into something weird, aren’t you the one in love with him?”

“I’m not in love with him, I just said he’s not… bad.”

“Oh please,” Renjun scoffs, “last time we all sat together, don’t think I didn’t catch you stealing glances!”

“He’s good looking!” Chaewon half-shouts, “what do you want me to do?”

Renjun screws up his face and mimics her teasingly, fired up by the way Chaewon glares at him.

“I’m done talking to you,” she says and shifts her chair away from Renjun, “you’re distracting me from my studies.”

So she flips her hair back over her shoulders and does her best to ignore Renjun silently sniggering beside her.

Wednesdays are Renjun’s most empty days in terms of classes. He has Legal first period, and then Literature at the end of the day. So with all that time in the middle, he does what any other high school senior would do.

He takes a nap.

There’s a stretch of grass in the courtyard in the middle of all the buildings, surrounded by canteens and outdoor tables. In the centre stands one very old and very lone tree that Renjun’s grown fond of. While the rest of the student body is busy in class or hiding away in the crisp air of the library or union building, Renjun likes the solace the area has to offer.

That’s why since the year began, he finds himself winding up to that very spot every Wednesdays after the first period, to sleep the rest of his free time away until lunch and then last period.

He should probably be using this time to get ahead in his studies, but exams are a while away and Renjun just doesn’t have that sort of commitment.

Resting his back against the overgrown roots, Renjun tips his head back and sighs. The air is cool under the shade, and the sunlight shines through the leaves in warm gold specks.

Renjun closes his eyes.

When he opens them again, Jeno is sitting in front of him.

He hasn’t realised Renjun is awake yet, as his head is buried in his book, eyes wandering over the page, forehead creased. He’s reading their next book for class, Renjun recognises, _Ransom_. A number of sticky-notes and bookmarks stick out from the first half; Jeno’s fingers trap a highlighter and bookmark, ready to tab the page.

Renjun reaches out and presses to fingers to his forehead, “don’t look so angry while reading, you look scary, relax.”

Jeno blinks at him for a moment, as if he’s the one just stirring from a dream. Then all of a sudden, he smiles, blazingly, “you’re awake.”

Renjun’s heart does a _thump_ in his chest, slow but resounding. He shakes it off and accounts it to just being taken back, “what’re you doing here?”

“I was at the library and I saw you from the window,” Jeno says, smiling down at his book, then back up at Renjun, “I was getting some reading done?”

Renjun pats the spot beside him and Jeno moves closer until they’re both resting against the trunk, side by side.

“What part are you up to?”

“Priam and Somax are eating griddlecakes, he’s telling him about how his daughter died.”

Renjun taps his finger on the page and says, “you should mark this conversation, it’s about acceptance and forgiveness, moving on and stuff.”

Jeno sticks a yellow tab at the corner of the page and notes down what Renjun said along the side in grey-lead.

“Oh, what would I do without you?” Jeno mumbles to himself, causing Renjun to chuckle.

“Fail, probably.” Renjun laughs as Jeno agrees, grumbling something about the book. “Why’d you take it if you hate writing essays so much?”

“I don’t _hate_ it,” Jeno says, twirling the pencil around on his fingers, “I just – it’s so complicated for no reason, but I like reading, so here I am.”

Renjun hums, remembering Jeno’s packed bookshelf back in his room. “You just need to look at things a little differently, a lot less direct and a little more… romantically! Try to find the whimsical or even fantastical side of things.”

Jeno grunts, “I’m trying, it’s just so –“ he huffs, lolling his head to the side.

“Okay, let’s try this, look at this tree we’re sitting under,” he pats the root stretching out beside him, “how would you describe it?”

Jeno looks up and around for a bit, face set in thought. He then says, “big, old, gives off nice shade.”

“Okay, you’re not wrong, but try to look at it differently. Wouldn’t you say it’s friendly, comforting, and wise instead?”

After a while of considering him, Jeno shakes his head, straightforward and honest. “No? That doesn’t make sense – wise?”

Renjun smacks his side lightly, “well, it’s old, isn’t it? And some things don’t have to make sense! Some things are just, there!”

Jeno slides the pencil between the pages he’s on before setting the book aside. He leans back against the trunk, arms cushioning his head, “like what things?”

“I don’t know,” Renjun shrugs, “fantastical things I suppose, but also things like fate and destiny – it’s just there. No explanation.”

“You don’t really believe in that, do you?”

“You don’t?”

Jeno shakes his head, “no, it’s too… out there. Things don’t just happen, we have our own agency too.”

Renjun scoots down and flips over onto his stomach, holding himself up on his elbows. He looks at Jeno, “I’m not saying that. I’m saying some things just exist even if we can’t see it all the time, or at first. Some things just happen, even if we don’t want them to.”

A gust of wind rustles the leaves and blows Renjun’s bangs out of his eyes. He squints, a hand coming up and stopping just above his eyes to shield them. Renjun looks up at Jeno, eyes twinkling at the corners. They crease as he smiles, and Jeno thinks he gets it now.

“You’re so rigid, Jeno Lee, so unromantic,” the breeze slows, Renjun flips onto his back and faces the overhanging branches and leave. The sunlight falls like glitter across his face as the leaves flit around. He mumbles something so quietly Jeno doesn’t catch it, but he’s fairly certain it’s another jab at how _unromantic_ he is.

“And you are?” Jeno retorts, chuckling lightly.

“Yes,” Renjun contends, thumping his chest once, “I’m very romantic. I love things like that, things that are so beautifully inexplicable. But I also like looking for a reason, sometimes, just not as rigidly as you.” He tilts his head back to meet eyes with Jeno, “that’s what you need to. Not all things have a reason, but some things do, so you need to look for the whimsical side of things first, and then see if it has a reason.”

Jeno looks at him confused for a second, but then Renjun points at the book and he gets it. He’s talking about how to approach the book, of course.

“That’s why you’re always scraping the surface and not digging deep enough into the book.”

Renjun goes on to talk about the importance of analysing language and understanding symbolism that frankly, Jeno stops actively listening too. He hears the words and nods along, but his mind is focused on Renjun’s earlier words.

_Some things just happen, even if we don’t want them too._

He feels a little foolish even thinking about it, but he wonders, if that’s the same case for his feelings for Renjun. The rush of emotions that came out of the blue, beyond his control.

He hasn’t noticed Renjun has stopped talking, caught up in his feelings and thoughts of Renjun being _beautifully inexplicable_ , that when said-boy snaps his fingers in front of him, he jumps.

“You’re not even listening to me! I’m giving you so much advice, you should be taking notes!”

Renjun is hovering above him on all fours with a scowl on his face. Jeno regards him, the distance between their faces – which is not much – and he wants to kiss him again.

“Ren,” he calls out, softly.

Renjun’s face relaxes almost instantly. Something flashes across his eyes and he pulls back, just a little. “Yeah?”

“Do you… have you ever… do you like someone?”

For a moment, Renjun’s expression goes blank. Then he’s rolling his eyes, “is it because I’m talking about finding the romance of things?”

Jeno doesn’t answer him with words but shrugs his shoulders.

“No, not at the moment at least, and haven’t for a while.” He sits back on his feet and places his hands on his thighs. He looks down and smiles, “I don’t really care for it, for myself, romance. But I love it for others.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, some things don’t have to make sense, Jeno.” Renjun parrots his prior words, jumps to his feet and dusts off his pants. He extends a hand out for Jeno to grab onto, “I’m kind of hungry, let’s go get a snack.”

Hand in hand, Renjun leads him away.

-

“ – on Friday, we can go check it out then, altogether?” Donghyuck says, leaning back on his palms.

They’re sitting in the back lawn for lunch break, lying down in the warm sun, trying to savour all they can before winter arrives in full throttle. The weather has been shifty, as of late, sunny one day and miserably cloudy the next. Sometimes both in one day.

Jeno thinks it’s starting to affect his mood. He can’t help but feel extra sullen lately. His head is cloudy with thoughts, but none coherent enough for him to address. It irritates him insanely.

Jaemin hums and tilts his head back, mirroring Donghyuck, “sounds good.”

“Jeno?” Donghyuck waves his hands over Jeno’s face, “Jen!”

“What?” Jeno snaps, a bit too harsh for his own ears. Donghyuck and Jaemin clearly look taken back, and that only makes the guilt settle faster. “Sorry, I was just…”

Donghyuck shakes it off and smiles, “it’s fine, you okay?”

“I’m okay, what’re we talking about?”

“Friday,” Jaemin answers for him, “Mark and Yerim are coming over, we wanna go to the night market after school.”

“Oh,” he’s meant to be studying with Renjun that day, “I can’t make it.”

“Why not?” Donghyuck starts to whine.

“I’m busy, I already made plans,” then adds, when Donghyuck looks at him sourly, “sorry.”

“But! We’re meant to go get twirly potatoes! And crepes!” Donghyuck shakes his arm.

“No, no, Hyuck, we have to here who he’s got plans with,” Jaemin looks at him smugly, like he already knows but wants to taunt Jeno by making him admit it.

“Renjun and I –“

“Ahh, of course,” Donghyuck nods, “Renjun.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“We didn’t say anything, Jeno,” Jaemin says, a not-so-innocent glint in his eye.

Jeno wants to push him over on the grass, and he’s just about to do it when a shrill scream stops him.

The three of them turn their heads immediately to see the person in question. Renjun himself, running towards the grass. Chaewon is chasing after him, still a while away when Renjun spots them.

“JENO!”

Jeno jumps to his feet, his face split with worry, “what’s wrong?” 

Renjun runs towards him and throws his arms around his middle, “she’s gonna kill me!”

“What?”

Jaemin and Donghyuck run up just in time to catch Chaewon before she can grab a hold of Renjun, while the latter runs to hide behind Jeno, clinging onto the back of his shirt.

“RENJUN, DON’T BE A COWARD! YOU STARTED THIS!” Chaewon reaches out to grab Renjun by the sleeve when he peeks out, only to instantly cower back.

“NOOO! GAME OVER!”

“THAT’S NOT FAIR! YOU’RE CLEAN! LOOK AT ME!

Sure enough, Chaewon’s navy-blue uniform is stained with white streaks. Straightaway, the three of them guess it to be from the liquid correction pen she holds in her hand, fingers dotted white. She shakes the tube and uncaps the lid.

“Renjun!” She lunges to the side with the pen, squeezing the bulb tight, ready to fire once Renjun’s in clear sight.

“Jeno!” Renjun shouts, squeezing his eyes shut, clenching his fists on Jeno’s back –

A white stream of correction paint bursts out and splatters right onto Jeno’s jersey.

Chaewon gasps, dropping the pen on the floor, “oh my God, OH MY GOD, I’M SO SORRY!”

Renjun steps out from behind Jeno and draws a sharp breath, “oh my God, your jersey!”

Donghyuck takes a step back and covers his mouth, “oh shit, that’s not gonna get off that material.”

Jaemin runs back to their spot to fetch his water bottle while Renjun digs out tissues from his pocket. But by then, the paint has already dried down.

“Jeno, I’m so sorry,” Chaewon says, voice watery, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to – I wasn’t – Renjun…”

Jeno, still reeling from the shock, simply shakes his head, “it’s fine, it’s fine –“

“No, it’s not fine,” she takes a wet tissue from Jaemin and starts wiping along with Renjun, albeit, with a lot less force. Her hands shake. Her eyes start to quiver as she sees Jeno’s blank face, “I’m so sorry. This is your jersey and I –“ she cuts herself off, clamping her mouth shut. She shakes her fringe to cover her eyes and quietly rubs away at the stain.

“Chae –“ Renjun starts to comfort her, but Jeno beats him to it.

He grabs her hands gingerly, forcing her to look up. “I’m serious, it’s okay,” he smiles gently, reassuringly, “I was the one who got in the way.”

“Still,” Chaewon sniffs and tugs at his shirt, “give it to me, I’ll wash it for you, or pay for a new one.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yeah,” Renjun interjects, scrunching the tissues up in his hands after minutes of futile effort, “I’ll do it, it’s my fault. I’ll wash yours too.”

“I can just throw mine in the machine,” Chaewon replies, then turns back to Jeno, “I’ll die feeling guilty if you don’t let me compensate.”

Jeno laughs lightly and shakes his hands, “no, please don’t.” He glances at Renjun who is now by Chaewon’s side, rubbing her arms soothingly and muttering words of apology. “You really don’t have to. I needed a new one anyway.”

Chaewon sees through him but agrees to let it go, sort of. “I’ll compensate you another way then, I work at a Japanese restaurant. It’s sort of fancy, so, you can come and I’ll give you a free meal.”

“Chae, it’s okay, I’ll pay for it –“

“No, it’s fine. You can come anytime, today even! I work every day except Mondays. Renjun can take you.”

Jeno is ready to decline the offer but one look from Renjun tells him he should take the offer up. “Sure, thanks!”

Finally, Chaewon brightens up with a smile, “okay, today then?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

“Can we come too?” Donghyuck interrupts, stepping to Jeno’s side.

“We’ll pay for our own though,” Jaemin adds, “since we’re clean.”

“Of course!”

After another round of Chaewon trying to pry Jeno of his jersey so she can wash it, even going as far as trying to shove ten dollars into his hand with the promise of paying the rest later, Renjun eventually manages to drag her away. He mouths another apology before leaving, this time, one from himself, before the pair disappear behind the corner of the building.

Jaemin picks up the correction pen from the floor and twirls it around, “you really gonna buy a new one?”

“I mean, I’ll have to,” Jeno pulls on the ruined area and sighs, “it won’t come off completely even if I scrub at it with detergent. It’s soaked in.”

“Okay then.”

“Wait, Jaemin, _WHAT?”_

“Let me draw on it!”

“No!”

“You can’t draw for shit,” Donghyuck says, snatching the pen out of Jaemin’s hands, “let me do it!”

“LEE DONGHYUCK!”

The trio meets up with Renjun after school to head over to the restaurant. By then Jeno has already changed into his normal uniform and placed an order for a new jersey, his old one neatly folded away in the bottom of his bag.

By the time they get to the restaurant, Chaewon is already there and she greets them by the door.

“So eager to please,” Renjun mutters under his breath, earning him a quick glare from Chaewon before she turns to smile and usher Jeno inside.

The store is small but elegant, decked to the nines with classic art and ornaments. Red and gold paper lanterns hang over the tables and booths. The kitchen can be easily seen from the counter, where chefs run around to get orders done; a narrow, long window above the booths show them rolling out dough and stretching them into long, chewy noodles.

Jeno’s stomach rumbles.

Chaewon leads them to a booth by the back and hands out the menus. Renjun, having visited numerous times, orders away without even opening up the menu.

“Beef noodle soup, extra spicy!”

“Oooh, that looks good,” Donghyuck says as he looks at the picture given in the menu, “me too!”

Jaemin ends up choosing fried noodle with _katsudon_ , while Jeno continues to take his time.

Chaewon bends down beside him and flips through the menu to the fried noodles, “I recommend fried noodles with satay vegetables, it’s really nice and the noodles are good.”

“Okay then,” Jeno smiles up at her, “I’ll have that.”

She leaves with the menus and returns with water and utensils. Since the store is relatively quiet before the impending dinner rush, Renjun pulls her down to sit beside him and they chat idly as they wait.

As always, Jeno remains quiet for most of the conversation, favouring listening over spending energy talking when most of what he’ll say is in agreement with the others anyway.

Sometimes, he’ll exchange looks with Renjun and the latter will ask him something or make a corny joke that makes Donghyuck and Jaemin cringe and Chaewon smack his side. But Jeno – Jeno laughs and it delights Renjun wholly, giggling along together as if sharing a secret no one else would understand – which _is_ sort of the case.

He notices, when Renjun and Chaewon get side-tracked into a conversation of their own, it’s as if no one else can enter the world they share at that moment. Renjun has his arm slung around Chaewon’s waist, and they’re leaning together so close, smiling and laughing secretly.

Jealousy twinges in Jeno’s chest.

He wants that sort of intimacy with Renjun – yearns for it. The closeness between Renjun and Chaewon is something different from the relationship Renjun shares with Jeno that he can never fulfil, simply because, by the looks of it, there’s no more space for it. It makes him feel bitter, but he tells himself it’s no matter, because he wants much, much more anyway.

At this rate, Jeno probably won’t last remaining _just friends_ with Renjun any longer.

He sighs, slumping against the table, exhausted from the weight of his own thoughts. Having a crush is hard and it’s made him, in his own eyes, evil. The dire actions he witnessed from his peers and admirers suddenly make sense.

Chaewon casts her attention his way and stands up, “I’ll go check on the food, I think Jeno’s hungry.”

Jeno immediately shoots up and tries to deny it but she marches away before he can stop her.

Renjun turns his attention back to Jeno and smiles, “thanks for coming, if you hadn’t taken her offer, Chae would’ve actually died from guilt.”

“It wasn’t her fault – “

“I know, it’s mine. I’m sorry, I know how much the jersey means to you. Yangyang treats his own like it’s a trophy, it must be no different to you.”

Jeno shakes his head and pours some water into Renjun’s glass, then his own, “it’s just a shirt, and it’s okay, I chose to protect you.”

Renjun snorts, “yes, from correction ink. _My hero._ ”

Chaewon returns a few moments later balancing two trays with all their food. When Jeno sees her approaching, he immediately stands to help carry one. An act of good deed to dispel the prior bitterness settled in his chest.

“Thanks,” Chaewon says with a timid smile.

As expected, the food is delicious. Donghyuck and Jaemin continue to chat as they eat, the former snapping some photos for Mark and Yerim _to make them jealous_. Renjun on the other hand, eats quietly, only speaking up to let Jeno try some of his food or call Chaewon over so she can sneakily have a bite.

He generously ladles some soup, beef and noodles and feeds it to Chaewon, holding his palm out under her chin in case some soup dribbles down.

“Don’t be jealous, Jeno Lee,” Renjun smirks Jeno’s way when he catches him staring, “I’ll give some to you too.” Jeno tries to deny it but Renjun’s already leaning over the table with a spoonful, “quickly, my arm’s starting to hurt!”

So Jeno leans over the rest of the way and accepts it. Renjun drops back into his seat, a winning smile gracing his features.

By the time they finish eating, the dinner rush starts to pile and soon enough the store is teeming with office workers and labourers ready to unwind with a good meal.

Jeno and his friends take it as a cue to head out.

They meet Chaewon back at the counter and Jeno thanks her for the free meal.

“Don’t thank me, I had to do it. You wouldn’t let me repay you otherwise!”

“Well, thank you anyway. I enjoyed it,” he looks around and adds, “might drop by again.”

Chaewon nearly bursts on the spot, “please, you’re always welcome.”

Jeno gives her a warm smile as Chaewon lowers her head, her fringe falling over her eyes. Renjun notices the apples of her cheeks have a light pink dusting across them, but he doesn’t say anything. Only smiles secretly to himself.

On the way out, Jeno turns back to see Renjun still at the counter, “aren’t you coming?”

He shakes his head, “It’s a school night so Chae will finish soon, I’m gonna stick around until then.”

With a nod, Jeno steps out to join Jaemin and Donghyuck on the walk home.

“Let’s get ice-cream!” Donghyuck half-shouts into the still evening air. He hooks his arms through Jeno and Jaemin’s and drags them to the nearest convenience store.

Later when Chaewon is done with work, the sun has already set and the night sky has settled over them.

Renjun zips up his jacket and pockets his hands while Chaewon slips an arm through his.

As they steadily walk towards the direction of Chaewon’s home, she leans her head on his shoulder and mumbles, dreamily, “Jeno is so nice.”

A laugh tumbles out of Renjun’s lips, “yeah, he is.” After a while, he adds, “if you like him, you should tell him.”

“I told you it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like?” Chaewon stays mum, so Renjun continues, “you shouldn’t waste time, he’s a popular boy, he’ll get snatched up from under your nose!” He jokes, snatching at the air in front of him.

“No… I can’t. Not right now anyway.”

They turn the corner onto the streets lined with local fruit vendors and convenience stores. Renjun asks her if she wants something to eat, but Chaewon declines. Renjun buys a yogurt for himself.

As he hops down the stairs of the convenience store, yogurt trapped between his teeth and loose change jingling in his hands, he says, “how about, you ask him to prom? That way, you still have some time to sort out your feelings and get close to him, and then on prom night, you can confess! How romantic is that?”

“That’s so cliché!” Chaewon steals the yogurt from Renjun’s hand, “besides, I’m going with you. I’m not going back on that.”

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine going alone – unless I get asked or something. It’s prom and it’s special, you should go with the person you like.”

“You’re making it sound like I’m already head over heels for him, which I’m not!”

Renjun rolls his eyes, “sure.”

“And besides,” Chaewon ignores him and grabs him by the arm again, slinging him along as she marches ahead, “I like you, it makes perfect sense to go with you too. I’d rather… I’d rather spend the night having fun dancing with you then stressed out of my mind thinking about whether Jeno Lee will even consider me.”

Renjun stops in his tracks and pulls Chaewon back so she’s facing him. He looks her in the eye, expression grave, and says, “don’t humble yourself like that, as if you’re not worthy.”

Chaewon casts her eyes down to her feet and whispers, “okay…”

“Good.” Renjun slings an arm over her shoulder and pulls her along. They continue walking down the street, nearing Chaewon’s house. At the door, he pulls her back again and says, “you just need to spend more time with him! Jeno’s really sweet and I think if he gets to know you, he’ll like you too.”

“Ren –“

“I’m serious!” He cups her face and squishes her cheeks, “don’t become so dejected without even trying! Every great romance comes with a bit of effort.”

“Didn’t you once tell me that the best things come easily? That the best things happen unwillingly or are just there?”

Renjun pauses for a while, then waves her off, “this is different. This,” he wags his finger, “is one of the great things that take a little time and a little effort!” He takes a couple steps back and grins, “I’ll help you, if you want.”

Going by track record, Renjun will most likely help anyways, whether Chaewon asks for it or not.

“Don’t go too far with it, don’t push! You can’t force anything, Huang Renjun!”

But Renjun’s already turning away and down the street. Without turning back, he waves his hand in the air and gives her an _okay sign_ , and then he’s out of sight.

-

Friday after school, Jeno meets Renjun outside his physics class so they can walk back to Renjun’s place together. He follows Renjun back to his locker so he can put back the books he won’t need over the weekend before they head out the glass doors and into the afternoon sun.

Renjun looks around the courtyard as if searching for someone, then noticing Jeno’s confusion, says, “oh! Sorry, I forgot to tell you but I invited Chae to study with us. She needs some help with history so I told her I’d run it over with her. Is that okay?”

Truthfully, Jeno was looking forward to spending the time alone with Renjun. Not only because it’s Renjun and he likes him, but also because he felt far more comfortable around the boy than he did with anyone else, save for his own group of friends.

But as Jeno looks at him blankly, Renjun’s face grows more and more worried, as if he overstepped.

“Of course,” Jeno says, mustering a smile, “no problem at all,” he tells himself more than he tells Renjun. Chaewon is sweet, plus she’s Renjun’s friend. It won’t harm Jeno to spend some time with them both together.

So he shoves aside any probing thoughts of feeling like a third-wheel or resentment having their alone time intruded, and walks along to the gate.

Chaewon is quick to arrive minutes later, huffing and puffing. “Sorry, wanted to talk about my test mark for math but Chan took forever talking to the teacher.”

She greets Jeno with a wave. A blush sweeps over her cheeks as she fixes her dishevelled state, tightening her ponytail and fixing her fringe.

The walk to Renjun’s house is short and even quicker with the way Chaewon and Renjun chat non-stop.

Jeno occasionally finds himself falling behind or walking ahead to give the two enough room on the sidewalk. When Renjun notices this, he slows down until Jeno is by Chaewon’s side, then walks along the grass or gravel off the footpath himself.

When they arrive, Jeno stops in front of the stone path to stare.

As expected, Renjun’s house is even more beautiful in daylight. The stone’s making the path are large and flat, cream in colour. The flowers lining the path blossom out of neatly kempt shrubs no taller than his knee, and the lawn is freshly mowed and ever so green.

The house itself looks like something out of a movie. A rather southern style house, pale brown with a wrap-around porch and white fence. Four pillars hold up the frame, and the nearest one, Jeno notices, has pencil markings and a number scribbled at each line similar to one made to measure height. There are two sets, one marked C and the other R. A wind chime hangs above the front porch. It jingles with the breeze.

The sight is picturesque, like stepping into a storybook. Jeno’s eyes feel cool just gazing upon it.

“It’s nice, huh?” Chaewon asks from beside him as Renjun leads them to the door.

“It’s so pretty. And clean.” Jeno adds.

“Renjun’s father is a landscaper, and our fairy himself is a bit of a green thumb.”

Jeno looks at Renjun and asks, with wonder, “you planted all these?”

Renjun rolls his eyes, “Chae, you give me too much credit.” He glances towards the flowers, then Jeno, “no – well, yes, but my mum helped too.”

“Wait till you see the inside,” Chaewon whispers into his shoulder.

When Renjun finally gets the door open, Jeno finally gets it.

The inside is much more splendid than the exterior. As soon as he steps in, he’s met by a wide hall ornate with artwork and picture frames. A bookcase by the door boasts a collection of vintage books and artefacts such as the model of a ship, one of the first aeroplane, and a thread-bound copy of _Anna Karenina_.

They take off their shoes and store them inside a cupboard in the wall before Chaewon grabs Jeno’s arm and pulls him around for a tour. Renjun trails behind them, rolling his eyes and trying to hide his embarrassment.

On either side of the hall are double entryways to the living room and family room, and one closed-door marked _lavatory_ that Jeno can only assume means – well, bathroom. But it’s fancy, so Jeno stops to stare at the door anyways.

The living room is spacious and tidy, ornate with one large painting across the back wall and other objects such as gold lamp shades and jade plants. The couch and armchairs are expansive and luxurious, with gold frames and pearl-coloured seats and cushions. A glass coffee table sits in the centre, a single rose in a thin white vase stands in the centre while books and journals are neatly stacked at the bottom compartment.

Every inch of the room is beautiful and artistic, yet not in an overbearing way. Simple in the number of items and furniture, but no single thing is simple.

Jeno stands at the door in awe, afraid to step in lest he soil anything just by breathing.

Renjun wedges in between Chaewon and Jeno as the former starts to talk about each and every object and when Mrs Huang bought it. “Chae, stop, your embarrassing me.”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about! You live in a museum!”

“Exactly!” Renjun tugs Jeno away from the door and leads him towards the room across, “that’s the fake living room,” he says, pointing back, “this, is the real living room.”

Sliding open the doors, Renjun takes him into the family room, a complete opposite of the last.

It appears much more lived in, with a simple L-shaped couch and coffee table facing the TV, which is suspended on the wall. Beneath it is a fireplace that, according to Renjun, is only used once in a blue moon.

On the wall are assorted pictures of family and friends, some with Chaewon and the rest of Renjun’s friends as well.

Much like the last room, it is spacious and tidy, and despite its humble appearance, still retains a quality of extravagance present throughout the rest of the house.

“My mum’s a professor,” Renjun explains, “she teaches history and classics. She loves things like this, art and books and ornaments.”

It all makes sense to Jeno, then and there, why Renjun is the way he is. Dreamy and starry-eyed, yet sophisticated at the same time. He’s like his mother.

“It’s beautiful,” he breathes out, “everything is so… interesting!”

Renjun stifles a laugh, “if you say so.”

The rest of the house, although equally as grand, is not as glamorous but rather simple in elegance. They stumble into Renjun’s father unexpectedly in the kitchen.

“Baba? You’re home today?”

Renjun’s father is only slightly taller than Renjun himself. His grey streaked hair gives away his age, but his form itself is fit and strong. He lugs a toolbox onto the counter before opening his arms, seemingly for Chaewon.

“Chaewon my girl,” he wraps an arm around Chaewon in a hug then looks to Jeno, “and who’s this young fellow?”

“Jeno, sir” he introduces himself, feeling slightly unnerved. He smoothes down his shirt.

“He’s a friend of mine,” Renjun continues, “we’re gonna study together. Is mum home?”

“She is, but she’s in her office correcting papers so best not disturb.” He says, pressing a finger to his lips. “I’m only here to grab a few things. Won’t be back until dinner. You kids have fun.” He ruffles Renjun’s hair on the way out.

They settle into Renjun’s room, leaving their bags by the door and shrugging off their jackets.

Not unlike the rest of the house, Renjun room is similarly splendid. It’s appropriate in size for just him, with a double bed in the middle, two drawers at each side. There’s a desk on the opposite side and a large bookshelf beside it, filled to the second shelf with books. At the top row well beyond reach are some potted plants and trophies.

To the side, there is a full-length mirror set up beside the built-in wardrobe. The walls of the room are painted sky blue and as Jeno’s eyes travel up, he notices gel butterfly stickers stuck along the top of the wall. When he tilts his head back, following the trail of butterflies, he sees that the ceiling is covered in an array of gel stickers of planets and moons, stars and spaceships.

Like a little galaxy of his own.

“A little childish, right?” Renjun says suddenly appearing beside him.

Jeno shakes his head, “I think it suits you, actually.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Jeno doesn’t answer and continues looking around the room.

On the bed, where Chaewon has already face-planted into, there are two plush toys atop the pillows, one penguin and one hippopotamus looking thing Jeno’s seen before but can’t quite name.

“You guys can get acquainted,” Renjun says, making Chaewon jerk her head up to stare at him, “I’m gonna get changed then fix us some snacks.”

As soon as Renjun leaves, an awkward air settles into the room. Chaewon moves to sit up properly against the pillows while Jeno places himself at the end of the bed. He stares ahead at the bookshelf, trying to make out nothing in particular.

Chaewon breaks the silence first. Clearing her throat, she crawls over and sits beside him a hand span away.

“Oh, did you manage to order a new jersey? Was it really expensive?”

“Yeah, I did. I’ll get it on Monday.” Jeno smiles at her reassuringly and tells her again, “it’s fine. Don’t worry about it anymore.”

Chaewon averts her eyes, a blush sweeping over her cheeks. She hangs her head.

After another bout of silence, she catches Jeno intently staring at the bookcase and walks towards it.

“Let me show you something interesting,” she says, a glint in her eye.

Pulling out a thick, blue leather-bound book from the bottom shelf, she sets it down next to Jeno and bends over the edge of the bed. As she opens to the first page, Jeno realises it’s a photo album. More specifically, Renjun’s baby album.

Chaewon flips through the pages, searching for particularly interesting or mortifying photos of Renjun to share as Jeno leans over, watching with amusement.

While most of the photos are of Renjun posing in various costumes in various places, looking excruciatingly adorable and making Jeno coo (silently, though, because cooing is not part of his image), some are, as Chaewon said, particularly intriguing.

Like one where Renjun is sitting butt-naked in a kiddie pool, presumably around three years old, staring intently into the camera with wide eyes as he licks a small toy car like a lollipop.

“His mum made him recreate this photo recently,” she says, grinning from ear to ear, “in the original kiddie pool and everything. Let me –“

“CHAE!”

Renjun lunges for the album just as Chaewon throws herself on top of it, screaming.

“WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING HIM?”

“IT’S SO CUTE I –“

“NO!”

Seeing as Chaewon was struggling to breathe under Renjun’s weight, Jeno eventually stopped silently laughing to pull Renjun off her.

Grabbing his waist, Jeno pulls Renjun back until he falls back right onto his lap.

And Jeno instantly regrets everything. 

See, having Renjun in his lap could be viewed as Jeno’s dream, but considering the current stage of their relationship, it was his nightmare.

Instantly, Jeno started burning inside out, and the more Renjun struggled in his lap, the more feverish his body became.

Unable to hold on any longer, Jeno finally let go and Renjun threw himself on Chaewon again, but not until she had already pulled out the recreated photo.

“Look, isn’t he _adorable?_ ”

“CHAE!”

Jeno takes a closer look at the photo and a wide smile instantly takes form across his face. Sure enough, it’s an exact replica of the baby photo, save for Renjun wearing swim trunks, his overgrown legs hanging out of the pool, and the glare at the camera instead of the innocent eyes of the former picture.

He leans closer to the photo and smile even harder, unable to control the way his heart surges with both adoration and mirth. “That’s amazing. Ren, you look –“

“NOOOO –“ Renjun cries and winds up back in Jeno’s lap, covering his entire face with his hands, “DON’T LOOK!”

Renjun’s anguish only fuels Chaewon to search for another, flipping back to an old photo of Renjun in a yellow princess dress. In this photo, Renjun appears to be a little older than the last, around seven or eight at least. He wears a tiara on his head, his hair is tied into two tiny pigtails, and he poses for the camera with a brilliant, toothy smile.

Jeno has to hold Renjun’s hands down to be able to take a close look.

“Now let me just –“

“CHAEWON PLEASE! JENO, IM BEGGING YOU, DON’T LOOK!”

“Aha! Here it is!”

She brandishes a photo of Renjun looking much older, probably only taken last year, in a similar, mid-length princess dress. His hair is tied up the same way, but instead of wearing the tiara on his head, it’s balanced on a hooked finger as he cocks his hip. His smile, though, is still the same. Still as dazzling.

By now, Renjun has given up. He slides down to the floor and sits between Jeno’s legs, head hung low.

When Chaewon has had her fill with teasing Renjun, she cackles loudly and rolls over on the bed. Balancing the album on her stomach, she flicks through it by herself, sniggering.

“Jeno, I’m sorry. We can no longer be friends.” Renjun says resolutely without looking up.

“What’re you talking about?” Chaewon cuts in, “thanks to me, you guys have gotten closer!”

“Don’t feel embarrassed,” Jeno soothes Renjun by patting his head, “you look great in a dress.”

The compliment held a layer of jest to it that Renjun caught and immediately pinched Jeno in the thigh for. With a huff, as Jeno whined in pain, Renjun stood up and fixed himself.

“This only proves that I am a fantastic and obedient son who listens to his mother well!” He then strikes Chaewon with a slap to her thigh too. “As for you, I have nothing to say to you. I never should’ve let you come over that day. I’m not helping you with history anymore, you can leave.”

That makes Chaewon shoot up, casting the album aside, “nonono, Ren, please. I’m gonna fail, I don’t understand anything Russia is so complicated you can’t do this to me –“

“Fine! Just, put that away and get out your things,” he then directs his glare at Jeno, “you too!”

Renjun leaves then returns again with chips and drinks and within minutes, the trio begins to diligently study.

Chaewon sets up on the bed, taking up the whole space with a plethora of notes and books, while Jeno sits on a bean bag Renjun brought out, laptop balanced on his lap and book splayed open on his chest.

Once in awhile, Renjun will change shifts and join Chaewon on the bed to help her, then sink into the space beside Jeno to help him.

In those moments when Renjun is pressed against his side, arm to arm, Jeno forgets his surroundings. His mind overflows with Renjun, Renjun, Renjun.

So a teeny tiny part of him is glad when Renjun moves away to Chaewon’s side because only then does Jeno get some actual work done.

Despite his usual sprightly interactions with Chaewon, as her tutor, Renjun is ever patient and gentle. His tone intonates the way one would speak with a child as he guides her along, giving her the space to think when needed.

Sometimes he’ll get all caught up, losing himself in the story part of history as he animatedly explains the sequence of events, carefully and slowly so Chaewon can scribble down notes. His eyes shine as he does so, voice punctuated by wonder and sadness and scorn, depending on the state of the event.

By the end of Renjun’s spiel, Jeno’s learnt more about the Romanov family than he’s ever cared to know.

Then Renjun will catch him staring and say, “Jeno, I know this is interesting, but you need to write your essay first. I’ll tell you all this another day if you want.”

And then Jeno will hurriedly get back to work.

Time runs by fast and eventually, Chaewon gets a message from her parents, asking her to come home.

“You should stay for dinner,” Renjun says as she packs her bag, “it’s already this late and it’s not a school night…”

“I’ll be over tomorrow,” Chaewon says with a shake of her head. She shrugs on her bag and flips her back over shoulders.

Jeno closes his laptop halfway and gets up to follow Renjun and Chaewon to the door. She bids goodbye to them both, asking Renjun to pass it on to his mother as well, and then leaves after sending Jeno one last smile.

He closes the door and heads back to Renjun’s room where the latter has started cleaning up.

“I should probably go too. It’s getting late.”

“What? No, don’t you only have two paragraphs left? We’ll get it done first.”

So they end up side by side on Renjun’s bed as they finish up the last bit of Jeno’s practice essay.

Renjun casually leans his head against Jeno’s shoulder, cheek cushioned by his hand. He’ll point out errors with a disgruntled noise, to which Jeno responds to by rewording the sentence.

“Good?”

“You’re getting better.”

Without Chaewon around, it’s only Jeno and Renjun alone in the quiet of his room, sitting on his bed. With every passing second, every brush of Renjun’s hair against his cheek or drum of his fingers against his forearm, Jeno becomes more and more aware of this fact.

Somehow, he manages to complete the essay. He saves it and shuts down the laptop in an instant. But neither of them moves.

Jeno sits still with his hands on top of his lap, letting Renjun rest against the crook of his neck.

He sighs, and Jeno finally turns his head just enough for his cheek to brush against Renjun’s head.

“Tired?”

Renjun sighs again, “a little.”

“You worked hard today,” Jeno says and rests his hand on top of Renjun’s.

Renjun giggles lightly against his ear. The sound travels straight to Jeno’s heart, reverberating through his veins.

“You did well too,” Renjun says, no longer leaning against Jeno but facing him. His hand is still in Jeno’s own, fingers now loosely laced together.

Once again, Jeno is trapped in a difficult position. It really, really wouldn’t take much for him to kiss Renjun right now. Really wouldn’t take much for Jeno to pull him closer and take him slowly or push him back against the mattress and kiss him hard.

The room is suddenly deafeningly quiet and the bed under them grows infinitely too real. Jeno cheeks warm and blood rushes _everywhere_.

And then Renjun makes a move.

“We should get up now,” he gets up and stretches his arms high. A sliver of skin peeks out from under his shirt and Jeno splutters, turning away.

“Yeah, I need to, uh, use the bathroom.”

After splashing his face with cold water and giving himself a little pep talk in the bathroom mirror, Jeno finds Renjun sitting at the kitchen island munching on grapes. His mother is there with him, bustling around the kitchen.

“Hello!” She greets Jeno cheerfully once he’s standing within sight, awkwardly by the door. “You must be Jeno.”

Jeno nods wordlessly and smiles, swiftly joining Renjun’s side when he ushers him over.

“I hope you like _chow mein_ and spicy pork,” she says without looking up from slicing carrots.

Jeno straightaway shakes his head, “oh, no – I mean, I do, but I should really get going – it’s so late and –“

“Nonsense, you’re already here and I won’t be too long.” Her face morphs into a frown, her voice tinged with strict conviction, she adds, “it’s a shame Chaewon left. Renjun, why didn’t you ask her to stay?”

“I did! But I think her parents didn’t want her out today too.”

Turns out Chaewon had been staying over for dinner every day this week. No wonder her parents wanted her home today

Mrs Huang hums, “that’s fine then, at least we have Jeno here.”

“I – uh – I really don’t want to intrude –“

“You’re not intruding, dear, I’m asking you to stay.” She speaks resolutely, “I’ve already started preparing enough for everyone.”

Renjun leans close to Jeno’s ear and whispers, with a rueful smile, “it's best you take the offer.”

For a while, the pair sit at the island as Renjun converses with his mum and Jeno quietly gobbles down the bowl of grapes.

He notices that between the two parents, Renjun bears the most resemblance with his mother. They both have the same bright eyes and nose, the same manner of speech, strong and clear, and the same sunny smile.

Even their interests align and it becomes very clear that Renjun takes much inspiration from his mother, whether he notices it or not.

Jeno finds it amusing, watching the two banter back and forth.

“Aye!” Renjun’s mother suddenly swipes away the bowl of grapes from under Jeno’s nose, “filling up on fruits! You won’t be able to eat anything I’m cooking then!” She scolds but with little bite. Then she shoos them out of the kitchen, telling them to go play while she finishes cooking.

The wind up back at the family room to idly watch TV when Jeno spots something poking out from underneath the couch. He pulls it out and regards it for a moment, keeping it an arm’s length away.

It’s a soft little doll with brown hair and large, sparkly eyes that eerily resembles Renjun.

“What…”

“Oh!” Renjun takes the doll from his hands and dusts it off. “What’re you doing here?” He coos at the doll.

“Is it –” Jeno stifles a laugh, “is it meant to be you?”

Renjun smacks his arm, “don’t be rude! It must’ve fallen off the couch yesterday…” He smooths down the doll’s shirt before setting it down on his lap. “Isn’t it cute? An old lady gave it to me, she made it herself!”

Jeno gives him a muddled look, “an old lady?”

Renjun nods and sits back against the couch, crossing his legs, “yeah, Grandma Song! I volunteer at a senior citizen’s home when I can.”

“You do?”

“What?” Renjun snaps, growing defensive, “is that weird?”

“No – not at all!” Jeno just wasn’t expecting it is all, yet at the same time, it was so undeniably _Renjun_ that he probably shouldn’t be so surprised. “That’s so you.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Jeno shakes his head and shrugs, the corner of his lips lifting, “I don’t know… it’s random but in a good way… it’s such a _you_ thing to do.”

Renjun considers him for a while as if to decipher whether Jeno was really teasing him or not. When settling on the latter, he relaxes his guard, “Chaewon used to join me but then she started working, so now it’s just me.”

Even between the chaos of senior year and its building pressure, the fact that Renjun still finds time to do so awes Jeno. He thinks, Renjun really is a wonder. 

Jeno’s gaze flits down to the doll in Renjun’s lap. After the initial shock factor and creepiness that came along with it, the mini-Renjun was actually kind of cute. The detailed needlework too was something to be commended.

“What do you do there?”

“Oh, just talk to them, play board games or sing, sometimes.”

The last part catches Jeno by surprise yet again, “you sing?”

“A little? Stop getting so shocked by everything, Jeno Lee, there’s a lot about me you don’t know yet!” Then Renjun winks, and Jeno nearly combusts on the spot.

He clears his throat, and as suave as possible, asks, “will I get to find out?”

Renjun humours him with another mischievous smile, glancing at him from the corner of his eye, “maybe.”

After a while, Renjun’s father returns just in time as Renjun’s mother calls them all in to eat.

Mr Huang goes on to tell them stories about his day that mainly consist of his encounters with frightening bugs. Mrs Huang ends up chiding him for it, reminding him that they were all trying to eat.

They ask Jeno the usual questions regarding school and his studies, his future plans with college and the like.

“Soccer!” Renjun’s father pipes up, “Renjun, you hear that?”

“I heard that, baba, what about it?” Renjun answers swiftly.

“Yes, and?” Renjun’s mother jumps in at the same time, her tone equally as stern.

“Nothing!” Mr Huang is quick to dismiss their accusing glares with a roll of his eyes, “you two are always so worked up! My son is perfect.”

The tension quickly dissipates as Mr Huang reaches over to pull Renjun’s cheek, making Renjun whine as his face stretches form.

“Baba!”

Jeno laughs along too and they promptly resume eating and conversing.

Having dinner with the Huangs, under such a warm and welcoming environment, Jeno can’t help but think when the last time he shared a meal like this was.

His parents have worked since he was little and would rarely come home early enough to have dinner together. And ever since Jeno started high school and his sister left for college, the chances to do so became even less as Jeno preferred eating alone in his room most of the time.

It’s not that Jeno blames his parents in any way. He loves them dearly and understands that work is work and work is hard, so really, it’s not anyone’s fault. Besides, he never thought much of sitting and eating around a table with the bunch of people you live with anyway.

But watching the way the Huangs come together in laughter and love, Jeno suddenly wants the same.

The dream ends when they finish eating and Renjun grabs for his dish.

“I’ll do it.”

“No, it’s fine. We have to take you home now anyway, it’s really late.”

Shortly after, Jeno and Renjun climb into the car together to take him home. Renjun’s father continues chatting to him about soccer that Jeno sees Renjun tune out of, watching the moonless sky instead.

Looking a little forlorn, he pouts and mumbles to himself, “no moon today, not many stars either…”

“Because they’re all on your bedroom ceiling,” Jeno whispers back after a pause.

Renjun rolls his eyes and doesn’t say anything back, but a smile creeps to his lips and Jeno is satisfied.

When they arrive in front of his house, Jeno is not surprised to see all the lights in the house switched off. Exchanging quick goodbyes and pulling a face back at Renjun, Jeno soundlessly enters the sleeping house and heads straight upstairs without bothering to turn on the light.

-

It’s game week and the entire school has been on edge since the week began.

As the big match with the rival school approaches fast, even Renjun starts to feel the growing tension in the air seeping into his bones.

Their opponent, NHS _Howlers_ , are not unfamiliar to the Vikings. They’ve played them before on numerous occasions, usually the second or third round of the state cup, and each match would end with the Vikings victorious.

This time, however, the Howlers have been rumoured to be completely revamped, with new ways of training and new players that made the team formidable opponents.

Or rather, they became seemingly unstoppable opponents, and the rumours were more so facts since for the first time ever, the Vikings would be facing the Howlers in the finale match for the grand prize.

To Renjun, this is all news being told to him by Chenle. Even Chaewon was keeping up with the state of the competition more than Renjun, but then again, Renjun never cared for the sport whereas Chaewon only cares for it for Jeno.

She’d sooner die than admit it though.

“I can’t believe you didn’t know all this – this is like the match of – of – EVER!” Chenle exclaims, his hands springing out with excitement.

“Renjun just doesn’t care.” Chaewon butts in from the side.

Chenle gasps, scandalized. To not care about soccer was a concept completely beyond the seventeen-year-old.

“Don’t say it like that!” Renjun tuts, “I understand the… the spirit behind it, I just don’t really care for the game myself. I don’t dislike it, I just have no opinion.”

That explanation does nothing for Chenle who still looks as horrified as before if not more. Beside him, Jisung quietly munches away on his dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Chaewon makes a side comment on how cute they are.

Yangyang, who has been sitting across from them the whole time, remains abnormally quiet. He fiddles with his fingers, his food untouched in front of his as he stares blankly at nothing on the table. He was most likely going over formations and plays in his head, so they don’t bother snapping him back to reality.

Being an actual player, the amount of stress he was feeling was incomparable. Renjun’s mind can’t help but wander to Jeno.

“I hope Jeno’s doing alright…” Chaewon says under her breath, just loud enough for Renjun to hear.

Renjun hums and bites his lip.

Truthfully, the past two weeks, the pair have rarely seen each other outside of class. While this shouldn’t really bother Renjun since he knows Jeno is preoccupied with training right now, it also kind of does.

He hasn’t realised it, but he’s long gotten used to having Jeno by his side.

Either meeting him by his locker or sitting together at the cafeteria as they wait for their friends to arrive; either lazy Wednesdays under the big tree or coinciding frees spent hidden amongst the library bookshelves – Renjun misses it all.

He misses Jeno.

Not to mention, he has no idea what Jeno’s state of mind is right now. He has no idea just how much Jeno is stressing, if he is handling it well, how he is handling it, and whether he is overexerting himself with practice or not.

There’s only so much that can be said when they do see each other, and every time, Jeno never mentions anything about the game or training or anything of the sort. So in that sense, Renjun never asked either.

He clenches his fist in his lap. Next time, he’ll definitely ask.

Yangyang finally lifts his head and speaks up, “you guys are all coming, right?”

They all reply with the affirmative, _of course_.

Chenle even takes out his ticket from the inner pocket of his jacket, “Jisung and I got ours today!”

“I’m gonna get mine tomorrow,” Chaewon says, to which Renjun nods along as well.

“Me too.”

“I still have my free one,” Yangyang turns to the two of them, “my parents insisted on buying tickets, for some reason, so one of you can have it.”

Renjun bumps Chaewon’s shoulder, “you take it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind.”

So Chaewon accepts the ticket with a smile.

“By the way,” Yangyang adds, “Lucas, Jun, and Hendery might come as well.”

“Really?” Chaewon exclaims cheerfully. It’s been a while since they last saw their friends.

“I think Mark and Yerim might show up as well, but Jeno should know more about that.” Yangyang looks over at Renjun as he says so, which only makes the latter recall his previous disposition.

“Yeah, probably…” he answers weakly, gaze flitting down to the table.

“You okay?” Chaewon asks softly, worried eyes peering at his face.

Renjun looks up and smiles half-heartedly, and if Chaewon sees through it, she doesn’t pry any further.

She slings an arm around his shoulder and leans their heads together.

Renjun arrives at his literature classroom earlier than usual. He sets out his books then plays for a bit on his phone, eyes wandering to the door every few minutes to see if Jeno was here yet.

“Renjun!”

The loud call from across the room makes Renjun look up. Straightaway, he feels a smile settle across his features, heart starts to get a little lighter.

Jeno is smiling broadly as he walks over. Thankfully, the class is still fairly empty, so no one is bothered by Jeno’s jubilant form practically bouncing over to Renjun.

“Jeno,” he laughs lightly, “what’s got you so excited?”

Instead of taking a seat, Jeno sets his bag down on his chair then crouches down in front of Renjun. The action surprises Renjun, and for some strange reason, his heart starts to beat faster.

“You’re going to the game this Friday, right?”

Renjun nods, “of course, wouldn’t miss it.”

“Did you get a ticket yet?”

“No, but I’ll buy one tomorrow.”

Jeno draws in a short breath, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, but his face is a dead giveaway of how nervous he is.

Renjun sits before him, confused.

“Do you want to – I’d really like it if –“ Jeno shakes his head, muttering under his breath, “I still have my plus-one ticket, I want you to have it, since you haven’t bought one yet!”

Renjun watches Jeno fish out a strip of paper from his jacket before handing it to him. He grins, “it took you this much effort to ask me this?” Laughter bubbling in his throat, Renjun accepts the ticket, “you’re such a loser, Jeno Lee. I wonder what your fans would say if they saw their handsome, smooth Jeno Lee all flustered like this.”

“Leave me alone,” Jeno whines, but his smile is a thousand watts brighter than Renjun’s ever seen, “I’ve never done something like this before!”

“Something like what? It’s only me! You could’ve just asked!”

Jeno merely smiles to himself, as if he was holding back a secret, and wordlessly takes his seat.

A few moments pass with Renjun staring at the ticket, his heart finally calming before he remembers what he’s been meaning to ask.

“The match is so close… how’re you feeling so far?”

“I’m okay,” Jeno tells him, sitting sideways in his chair, “I’ve been practicing by myself when I can and just – praying”

According to Yangyang, Jeno’s position in the team is the _second most stressful_ , after the strikers, since he’ll be chiefly responsible for managing and making sure the strikers aptly receive the ball to make a goal.

While the game is no doubt a team effort, each player still holds an individual role to play and Renjun can only imagine how much pressure Jeno must be putting on himself as the central attacking midfielder.

But, he’s noticed Jeno play before and has never seen him do poorly – if Renjun can even qualify to be a judge of that is debatable, but he tells Jeno so anyways.

“You’ll do great, I believe in you.”

Jeno chuckles, the apples of his cheeks and tips of his ears going crimson. “Thank you.”

Worry settles across Renjun’s face. He reaches out to touch Jeno’s forehead, feeling that the boy was acting a little different than usual. “You sure you’re okay?” His hand slides down to cup Jeno’s cheek. He brushes his thumb over the warm skin then brings his hand down to Jeno’s neck. “You’re a little warm.”

Jeno takes Renjun’s hand gingerly and removes it from his neck, but holds it close to him, hovering above where Renjun just touched. “Really, you don’t need to worry. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Hmm, are you taking care of yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Eating well, staying hydrated?”

“Yes.”

“Sleeping on time?”

“Yes, _mum_.”

Renjun smiles, the worry dissolving. He pats Jeno’s head and says, “good boy.”

As class starts, the pair go back to their usual shenanigans which include, but aren’t limited to, playing _SOS_ on a misshapen grid hastily drawn in their notebooks, or, drawing ugly depictions of the characters in the book. The worse the character, the uglier.

Yet by the end of the lesson, another knot forms in Renjun’s chest as he watches Jeno pack his things and stand up to leave.

“Ren –“

“Jeno, what’re you doing right now?”

“I have a free, so I was gonna go over some plays.”

Renjun bites his lip, his mind in disarray. For reasons unknown, he doesn’t want Jeno to go yet. They haven’t hung out in a while and Renjun knows he’s being selfish but, just for today, he wants him to stay by his side.

“Will I be bothering you if I join you?” He hesitates to ask, adding, “I’ll be going over some physics stuff so I’ll try not to dis –“

“Of course!”

Renjun looks up to see Jeno beaming at him.

“I thought you’d be bored so I didn’t... but I missed you.” Jeno ends up admitting it honestly, a shy smile gracing his face. A little foolish, a little something else that Renjun can’t pinpoint.

“It hasn’t even been that long…” Renjun replies coolly, stuffing down the words that pair with Jeno’s deep, deep inside his chest.

But Jeno’s staring down at him with another ten thousand-watt smile that tells him, _he knows_.

“Let’s stop by the canteen on the way,” Renjun shrugs on his bag and clears his throat, “I wanna get a snack.”

Jeno swings an arm over his shoulder as Renjun steps to his side and pulls him closer.

-

It’s finally the day of the game.

Jeno is sitting in the locker room with his head in his hands, foot tapping against the waxy floor. A tempest blows through his mind and sends his thought into a disastrous mess, exactly what he needs right minutes before the game is due to start.

The rest of the team are doing no better, each player keeping to themselves. Some go over plays, some offer last-minute prayers, and some sit silently like Jeno, wishing for time to either go by faster or freeze altogether.

Yangyang is the only one who belongs to none of those categories.

“Come on guys!” He shouts, clapping his hands loudly, “two minutes until we have to line up! Let’s huddle and get our nerves out!”

He pulls up each of the players one by one to make a group circle. Once he’s standing next to Jeno, Yangyang sends him a strong look and slaps his back, wordlessly telling Jeno, _you can do it_.

After their coach gives them a final pep-talk, the team line up before the doors leading onto the field. The dark hall sits under the bleachers, and so rumbles and vibrates with the intensity of the audience waiting and cheering for the teams to come out.

According to their coach, since the game was being held at an off-school stadium this time, there was additional room for more attendees and the turnout this year was higher than any of the recent years.

Not to mention, the _Howlers_ have been raising a storm wherever they go, and having wiped out half the state to make it this far, people were eager to see how the two giants would battle it out. 

_No pressure,_ Jeno tells himself, _no pressure at all._

The stadium roars as the _Howlers_ arrive onto the field. Loud cheers dominate the entire stadium and Jeno feels it all getting to him.

He had severely underestimated the number of supporters the team managed to gather in such a short amount of time, and to say the truth, Jeno started to feel a little disheartened. He prayed the _Vikings_ would receive the same amount of support – it really does make a difference.

As the doors on their side open up, light floods in and Jeno has to squint to let his eyes adjust. He blindly follows his teammates out, and as soon as his feet touch the grass, the stadium erupts into a fit of howls and cheers.

Loud whistles and chants shake the bleachers; Jeno takes it all in, feeling a little overwhelmed but pumped at the same time.

The two teams line up in a row facing each other. The two captains walk up to shake hands while the rest of the teams share a nod of acknowledgement.

Jeno’s eyes wander for a split second, a familiar figure in the front row catching his eye.

_Renjun._

Instantly, like never before, a wave of energy surges through him.

Renjun locks eyes with him and smiles brilliantly, as he always does, and Jeno thinks he can do this. He can win.

To Renjun’s left is Chaewon, Chenle, and Jisung, along with Hendery, Xiaojun and Lucas who cheer loudly and obnoxiously for Yangyang, wearing foam fingers and badly-printed t-shirts with Yangyang’s face.

Jeno watches Yangyang go beet-red from the corner of his eye, sending a glare towards his friends whose cheers only get worse.

On Renjun’s right stands Donghyuck, Jaemin, Mark and Yerim.

Donghyuck, Jaemin, and Mark hold up a large banner with Jeno’s name and number on it, pointing at it then at him with wide, shitty grins, while Yerim holds up two balloons shaped like the number ten, sporting an equally big smile.

Jeno flushes down to the neck, glancing back at Renjun who shakes his head and laughs at his misery.

Soon the teams are sent to their positions. Jeno digs his cleats into the grass, sweat starting to gather at the back of his neck.

Then, the whistle blows and the ball is kicked into play.

The roar of the stadium dies down to a dull hum at the back of his head. Jeno’s skin pricks with anxiety as the ball rolls across the grass in rapid momentum.

His heart thumps loud in his ears. The sweat gathered on his brow drips down and stings his eyes.

Jeno doesn’t blink for a split second, eyes trained on the ball. Time stops with ten seconds on the clock when the ball finally arrives at the perfect positions inches away from his feet. He hears his name being called in front of him, loud and clear.

“JENO! I’M OPEN!”

And he shoots.

The ball skids across the grass and through the legs of an opposing team player. Sangyeon traps it under his feet and dribbles the ball closer to the goal, another Howler closing behind him.

Then with one swift kick, the ball flies across the air, a straight, clean shot into the net.

The overhead scoreboard changes to 5-6, and the stadium explodes into thunderous cheers.

Jeno feels all the air knock out of him as Yangyang runs across the field and jumps onto his back. For a while, Jeno can only mumble incoherently, watching as his teammates gather around and ruffle each other’s hair, faces breaking into pure joy.

Victorious chants fill the air and Jeno finally looks up at the one person who can make this moment any better than it already feels.

Renjun’s face appears like a light between the blur of the crowd. His face is split into a huge grin and he jumps off his seat, not sparing a second to disappear behind the doors of the bleachers.

Behind him, the rest of his friends hurriedly follow after, but Jeno’s eyes are only focused on the one standing at the entrance to the field.

Renjun spots him from across and breaks into a run, and before Jeno knows it, he’s running too. Within seconds, Renjun is flying into his arms and he spins him around, hugging him impossibly tight with his arms wrapped around Renjun’s waist.

“YOU WON!” Renjun pulls away to scream at his face, still lifted mid-air, “YOU WON!!”

He pulls close to Jeno again, arms wrapped around his neck like he’s never going to let go, and Jeno wins once more.

When he eventually lets Renjun down, Chaewon is running up to them and in a moment of overflowing feelings, he picks her up in a hug too.

“CONGRATULATIONS!” She yells at his face, slightly taken back by the volume of her own voice, “oops, sorry, all the chanting got to me.”

The pair soon turn to envelop Yangyang in a hug when he approaches near and Jeno gets swallowed into one of his own when Yerim grabs him by the neck, and all his friends swarm around him for a group hug.

The cheers ring in his ear and his heart soars, every fibre of his being screaming _victory, victory, victory._

Later that night, the team captain hosts a party at his house, open to all the players’ closest friends.

Mark and Yerim stay behind too, as well as Lucas, Hendery, and Xiaojun.

It feels good to have the band back together after such a long time, even better now that the two groups have officially morphed together to become one, now that Jeno is less awkward and more open.

The final bridge between them has been built, all thanks to Renjun.

Which is why, even if Lucas, Mark, and Donghyuck squabble together in one corner while Yangyang tries to wrestle Chenle out of the shirt with his face on it, and Jisung begrudgingly sits on Jaemin’s lap as the rest of them gather around and chat, Jeno sticks to Renjun like glue.

They are sitting close to where Chaewon and Yerim are talking to Hendery, Xiaojun and Jaemin (Jisung has run off), near enough to be able to hear the conversation but further enough to consider their space semi-private.

Jeno is sitting on a loveseat with Renjun by his side, an arm loosely wrapped around him as Renjun listens in to the conversation happening beside them.

A plastic cup of some kind of alcoholic drink rests on his knee as his other hand holds it slackly.

Thankfully, the music is not too loud to give Jeno a headache and not too obnoxious to make him want to leave either. It’s a pop song he’s definitely heard on the radio but doesn’t know the name of; the beat and the words being sung die behind the chatter and laughter that fills the house.

“You gonna have the rest of that?” Renjun asks, pointing at his drink.

Jeno wordlessly shakes his head and holds it out towards him.

Renjun takes a sip, his face shifting into one of worry, “you okay?”

As if on cue, Jeno yawns, “I think I’m just tired.”

“Of course you are, you’ve been practicing non-stop and today too…” Renjun tuts. He finishes off the last of the drink in one big gulp before standing up. “Come on, let’s go get some fresh air.”

They move to the backyard, away from the crowd and the noise, sitting down on the deck couch onlooking the garden, and the city skyline that stretches beyond the fence.

The night air is cool and crisp. Jeno takes a deep breath. His head lays on Renjun’s shoulder as they sit in comfortable silence.

Jeno listens to the sound of Renjun breathing, the rise and the fall, feels the way his fingers curl around Jeno’s hand like an innate reaction to having their hands so close.

Renjun fiddles with his fingers absentmindedly, and traces over the life and love lines that run across his palm.

“Jeno, did you fall asleep?”

Jeno closes his eyes and pretends to snore as loud as he can. Renjun moves away and smacks his thigh.

“If you’re not asleep then get up, my shoulder’s numb.”

The comment only makes Jeno dig his head further into the crook of Renjun’s neck, but Renjun laughs and shoves him away so Jeno begrudgingly moves off him.

Their hands, however, remain connected.

They silently watch the city lights far ahead twinkle under the darkness. The wind rustles the leaves and the flowers dance to the breeze. Detecting no movement, the sensor light above the deck switches off and they’re shrouded in nightfall, save for the sliver of light that pours onto the deck whenever the curtains inside sway with the body of party-goers brushing past.

This time Renjun’s the one leaning against Jeno’s body. He picks his legs up to one side and leans his weight against Jeno entirely.

“You did well today,” Renjun speaks without taking his eyes off the view before them, “it suits you.”

“What does?”

“Winning.”

Jeno holds back a chuckle but it slips through anyway, so he asks, “what do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know,” Renjun adds after a moment’s thought, “it’s not to say that if you lost you’d be any less, more like, you always look like a winner no matter what. An actual win just emphasises that aura around you.”

“So you’re saying, I have the aura of a winner?”

By now Renjun’s turned around, legs crossed and facing his side. There’s an array of emotions spread over his features that Jeno can’t quite name, but it’s as if Renjun’s trying to figure something out.

“Yeah,” Renjun says after a while, expression shifting into clarity, reassurance and belief, “after properly seeing you play today, I think you’ll go on to achieve great things, Jeno Lee.”

The sudden praise makes Jeno burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Renjun’s face darkens to a deep red as he whines, rocking Jeno back and forth to make him stop.

“I take it back, you suck. I’m never believing in you or complimenting you ever again.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jeno pulls Renjun into his lap and buries his face in his side, pushing back the rest of his laughter that threatens to ripple out. “Thank you, you’re words are always so… different.”

“Jeno!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m done now.”

Renjun rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh of indignation, but nonetheless, hugs Jeno’s shoulders and curls into his lap.

He catches Jeno staring and pretends to ignore it. But after a beat, he turns with a half-hearted glare and.

“What? Is my face so endearing to you?”

Jeno bites back the words his tongue yearns to say – _you have no idea._

Their peace is soon disturbed by the sound of the door sliding open and Chaewon’s voice calling out.

“There you are!”

Renjun instantly slips off Jeno’s lap like he’s been scalded. They share a surprised look that disappears within a split second when Chaewon slumps down besides Renjun.

“Ooh, no wonder you guys have been hiding out here, it’s so peaceful.” She sinks into the seat and leans her head back, “I’ve been dying in there. Do you wanna know what’s worse than dealing with a Yangyang? Dealing with a Yangyang _and_ Donghyuck!”

A chuckle of agreement escapes Jeno’s lips. He can only imagine the nightmarish scenario of having them both within proximity, at the same time.

“Jeno knows what I mean!”

Renjun, turning his back to Jeno, pushes back Chaewon’s brown locks away from her face and mumbles something about tying it up for her. He takes out an elastic tie from his pocket as Chaewon turns around and loosely does her hair up in a ponytail.

“Lucas is looking for you, by the way. He’s complaining that he hasn’t seen his little Huang all day.”

So much to Jeno’s dismay, Renjun gets up straight away, leaving them to their own as he goes to check on Lucas. The words c _ome back soon_ fizz out in Jeno’s throat as he watches Renjun disappear into the crowd.

The curtains have parted now, so the deck is well-lit and Jeno can see the obvious awkward distance that separates him and Chaewon.

Renjun is always their centre, what grounds them together, and without him or anything else to become a topic of conversation, the situation they face is simply, extremely, awkward.

Jeno starts to feel a little bad, since this is Renjun’s best friend and undeniably his most cared-for person. He thinks to himself, if Renjun likes Chaewon so much and all Jeno’s been doing is whisking Renjun away whenever he can, then he should at least make the effort to get to know Chaewon a little better. For Renjun’s sake.

That’s all easier said than done, though, because minutes have past and Jeno’s done nothing but clear his throat and Chaewon’s nearly picked out all the threads in her distressed jeans. 

She breaks the silence first.

“You – umm – did very well today! I mean, you always play amazing but today, it was like, wahh!”

Jeno lightly chuckles and Chaewon noticeably relaxes at the response.

“Thanks, I don’t know if I did as well as everyone’s saying, but, I did my best.” Jeno nods to himself, “thankfully, it paid out.”

“Do you want to play professionally?” Chaewon asks, edging a little closer.

“I hope to, one day.”

Her eyes shine under the light as she watches him, “do you hope to get scouted? Yangyang said there’ll be scouters coming to the end of year match!”

Jeno shakes his head and shifts his body a slight towards her, feeling himself relax more as well, “I’m not really looking to get scouted yet. My parents want me to go to college and try out some other paths, as back-up, and to make sure this is what I really wanna do.”

He feels his voice bear an undercurrent of repressed bitterness towards the topic of college and being pushed to take paths he doesn’t really care for. But his parents’ logic makes sense, so Jeno can’t really argue on the basis of not wanting to go simply because he doesn’t _feel_ like doing anything else besides sports.

Besides, it’s not as if his academic skills are subpar. In fact, Jeno’s always performed considerably well in any subject he’s taken, to the point that if he truly wanted to, he could pursue any type of career.

It does boil down to the matter of _if_ he wanted to, though, which he didn’t. But his parents were insistent, said it was only a safety net in case of any setbacks that may occur along the way of pursuing a professional career as an athlete, and it’s too rational to argue against, really.

Presently, Jeno squashes any cynicism that may punctuate his words and come off as hostile to Chaewon, and brightly smiles at her.

“I hope to get scouted when I play in college – if I play – and then, hopefully –“ he bobs his head a few times and Chaewon seems to get the message.

“You will!” She says, voice laced with pure, unwavering belief, eyes bright, “and when you become a superstar athlete playing for gold, on top of the world, I will be your number one fan!”

Jeno blinks at her dumbly for a few beats, then erupts into laughter. He shakes his head, a hand flying over to cover his mouth as he watches light die in Chaewon’s eyes, thinking she said something wrong.

“I – I’m not joking.” She says solemnly, and Jeno instantly schools his face.

“I’m sorry, it’s not that! It’s just, you and Renjun pretty much said the same thing, so I had to laugh. I laughed when he said it too – it’s just,” he clears his throat, not really knowing where he was going, “don’t have so much faith in me, what if you get disappointed?”

“I could never!” Chaewon says a little too fast, and blushes upon realising that she’s leaning a tad too close to Jeno’s face. She backs away and clears her throat, “I think, no matter what, you’ll always be cool, and I’ll always… be your fan!”

Jeno regards her for a moment, the yellow light strobes falling across her features. She looks at him with eyes he knows all too well, so he swallows the lump in his throat and chooses his next few words carefully.

“Thank you, Chaewon… you’re a really good friend.”

Chaewon’s face brightens at being called his friend, and as she slinks back to her spot, she pulls her ponytail around to cover the bottom half of her face and shyly nods.

-

Much later that night when it’s long past curfew for both of them, Renjun walks Chaewon home.

She’s slumped against his side with her arm in Renjun’s, a dazed smile on her face that’s been there since they left and hasn’t slipped since.

Feeling exhausted and a little sickly, Renjun doesn’t comment on it, choosing to store away any probing questions for a later time when he can grill her properly.

Arriving in front of Chaewon’s doorstep, she unlocks the door then turns around. Playing with her bangs that desperately need a trim, she looks up at Renjun with dreamy eyes and a sheepish smile.

“I think – I think I really like Jeno.”

He’s about to respond with a blasé, _I know_ , but somehow, this confession feels different. It’s raw and real as if coming from the deepest part of her heart.

A vine coils around his heart as the words replay in his mind, then it pulls, constricting in his chest. He draws a sharp breath and swallows, unable to name the foreign emotion so he disregards it as finally witnessing his Chaewon spread her wings.

Renjun doesn’t end up responding verbally at all.

He wants to, and yet can’t find the appropriate words to deliver his emotions because what he feels itself, is in turmoil.

So he pulls her into his arms and wipes her bangs away from her forehead, kisses her crown.

The walk home feels longer and lonelier than usual.


	2. High school - part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just Jeno /struggling/ to control his affections. Jeno sweetie, I'm SO sorry.  
> The next few chapters might take a little longer for me to roll out, but I will do my best to update faster!  
> Don't be worried about the minor character death - it is only minor (major to Renjun, I guess)!  
> The song Renjun sings is Mo Li Hua, a Chinese folk song.
> 
> Rough edit because it's 2am. I will be back to revise later!  
> Thanks for your patience!

Fortunately for Renjun, Chaewon doesn’t bring up her crush on Jeno again, and things continue as they have been.

He feels a little funny, though, knowing that every glance Chaewon stole at Jeno held something deeper and more profound than a simple high school crush. Every time she laughed at something corny Jeno said that wasn’t funny in the slightest, there was something different about the laughter she reserved especially for him. A little shier, a little loving.

It makes Renjun feel even funnier, his stomach churning and knotting, when Jeno seems to return Chaewon’s glances with a soft smile, or respond to making her laugh with a pleased, triumphant one. His insides twist and turn when sometimes he spots them together from a distance, as they wait for him, and thinks about how good they look together.

_Of course, they look good together._

But he swallows back the bitterness burning his throat and chalks the unpleasant feelings up to being afraid of losing Chaewon and Jeno at once. Afraid of their relationship changing in a way that won’t include Renjun anymore, that will leave him out of the loop.

Daunting is the realisation that change is inevitable, and what little rationality he has left tells him this is something he just can’t control. Something that will simply happen, whether he wants it to or not.

Yangyang slides into the seat next to him in the senior common room as Renjun spins around and around in his chair in a daze.

“Where’s Chae?”

“She went with Jeno to the library,” he drawls out, head tipped back as he spins and spins, “he had to return some books.”

“Oh.” Yangyang watches him curiously for a moment, the surprise clear on his face, “you didn’t go with them?”

Renjun stops spinning, he vision tipsy, “they’ll be back in like, two minutes. I couldn’t be bothered to go upstairs.”

Yangyang continues to observe him for a few minutes, his eyes picking apart at Renjun’s skin. It makes Renjun feel antsy, like he’s being exposed, but for what, he has no idea.

“Chaewon and Jeno…” Yangyang says quietly to himself as if testing out the way the names sound together, “Jeno and Chaewon…”

“What’s wrong with it?” Renjun snaps, unsure of how the sudden rise in him happened.

Yangyang flashes him a characteristic blinding smile that washes away any wariness in Renjun, instead, replacing it with guilt.

“Sorry – I don’t know why I –“

“It’s fine, I get it, don’t worry.”

He wants to ask what exactly does Yangyang _get_ , but at the same time, doesn’t want to know the answer. So he stops talking to Yangyang and starts spinning again.

After another twenty minutes, Jeno and Chaewon finally return to the common room immersed in conversation.

Renjun ignores them at first, swallowing back the burn in his throat, spinning, spinning, and spinning – until Chaewon stops him.

“Ren!” She calls with a wide smile and sits on his lap, “do it now.”

So, Renjun wraps his arms around her securely and kicks off with his feet, the chair spiralling and rolling to the other end of the room. Chaewon grips onto his shoulders tightly, giggling with her eyes screwed shut.

Renjun’s feet end up becoming tired so Jeno volunteers to push them around, nearly throwing the two of them across the room.

“Ok, Jeno, that’s enough. You’re gonna get us killed!” Chaewon laughs out and gets to her feet.

She wraps her hand around Renjun wrist and pulls him up, giving him a warm smile, and Renjun, for the first time in a while, breathes easy.

All prior anxieties melt away and he thinks to himself, with an inward chuckle, how could he have ever doubted their friendship.

He casts a look at Jeno, who is sitting on a table listening to Yangyang chatter away. Sensing Renjun’s stare, Jeno meets his gaze and they share a smile, and everything’s okay.

For now, he breathes, everything is okay.

And thus Renjun’s temporary sadness disappears like it was never there, and he feels silly for even being sad in the first place.

He’s happy, truly. Two of the most important people in his life are getting along – how can it not be a good thing?

Things slowly but surely shift back to normal as the days go by.

On a Wednesday, Jeno jogs up to the tree with an easy smile and tosses his bag down next to Renjun’s before joining him under the shade.

“Hey, what’re you doing today after school?”

Renjun has plans, but to his nature, he has to play Jeno along a little. “Why?”

“Wanted to hang out. Thought we could eat and catch a movie or something.”

“Is there anything good showing?”

Renjun doesn’t give Jeno the attention he knows he wants at that moment, continuing to copy down the physics notes he missed.

“I don’t know, we can find out.” The reply comes a little defeated.

Renjun finally looks up to see Jeno kneeling before him, a half-pout stuck on his lips.

“I miss you,” Jeno blurts, “it feels like we don’t see each other anymore.”

“I see you every day. We’re hanging out right now.”

“Oh my God, Huang Renjun!” Jeno near shouts with exasperation. Only then does Renjun laugh out an apology and scramble to bring Jeno into his arms.

Jeno lays in his lap, eyes closed as Renjun brushes his hair away from his face and caresses his cheek.

He’s always known Jeno is handsome, it’s basically common knowledge, but at the moment, under the glittering sunlight, Jeno is beautiful. From the slant of cheeks to the curve of his lips; his long eyelashes that Renjun never noticed until now. It’s no wonder the boy is so admired, so wanted.

“So?” Jeno croaks out, eyes opening a crack to peek at Renjun’s face.

“I have plans, actually, but if you want, you can come with me?”

After school, Renjun brings Jeno to a senior citizen’s home. They step in through the sliding glass doors into the reception hall where Renjun signs in and lists Jeno down as a visitor.

They disinfect their hands with sanitizer and pin volunteer tags on their shirts before going in.

Passing through another door, they come to the main lounge decked with couches and tables wherein residents are scattered around. Some of them watch TV, some are gathered around the tables playing mah-jong, and some are sitting idly by themselves, staring off at nothing in particular.

The room is spacious and tonal with different shades of cream and pearl making up the colours of the wall and furniture. It smells heavily of mothballs and disinfectant, and it takes a second for Jeno to adjust to the scent.

As soon as they spot Renjun walk in, the group in the front playing mah-jong turn around with big smiles.

“Renjun!” An old man wheezes out, stretching his arms open for Renjun to give him a hug.

“Mr Luo! How are you?”

“Better now that you’re here.” The man says, then turns to Jeno, “who’s this?”

“This is my friend from school.” Renjun beckons Jeno near and brings his hand up to connect with the old man’s.

“I’m Jeno, sir.” He introduces himself, gripping Mr Luo’s hand tenderly in his. The old man’s hands are creased all over, but soft, brown freckles dotting his skin.

“Jeno…” the man turns over the name on his tongue, then comments abruptly, “you look like a good boy.”

He pats Jeno on the cheek, to which Jeno can only respond with an awkward laugh.

Mr Luo turns his attention back to chatting with Renjun, holding his hand as he embarks on a long tale of what he’s been up to in the home in all the time Renjun wasn’t there.

Between taking leisurely strolls outside and a mah-jong competition in which the grand prize was a scented candle, Mr Luo takes his time in detailing to Renjun every single bit. Renjun listens carefully and earnestly, giving his input or laughing when appropriate.

Jeno watches him do so, eyes filled with wonder at the way Renjun makes them smile and vice-versa.

He is wholly consumed in giving Mr Luo his attention, only sparing Jeno a glance when an old woman waddles over to his side and takes a seat, pulling Jeno into a similar conversation.

 _Like this_ , Renjun mouths to him, demonstrating how he should hold their hands and face them. Jeno mimics Renjun’s posture and turns to the lady, Mrs Park, as she coos at how handsome he is.

Soon enough, Jeno finds himself surrounded by women residents who have come over to express their awe of his face, compliment his skin or gawk about his physique. He can only sit there, frozen, letting himself be touched and prodded, a red flush spreading all the way down to his chest.

“ _Aigoo_ , look at him, so shy.” One lady coos.

“Young man, do you have a girlfriend? I have a granddaughter who is very pretty, around your age!” Comes another.

Finding a crack between the wall of women, Jeno meets Renjun’s gaze and sends him a distress signal. Stifling a laugh, Renjun excuses himself from the resident he was speaking to and comes over to Jeno’s rescue.

“Okay, okay, ladies, break it up. Give Jeno some space.”

“Hey, Renjun, bring him back next week. I’ll tell my daughter to bring Sora over and they can get to know each other.” The lady to Jeno’s right says, hugging Jeno’s arm.

“I’m sorry Mrs Lee, but Jeno’s taken,” Renjun says with a smirk as the ladies openly express their displeasure. Jeno can feel his ears steaming.

“Well of course he is! Look at him!”

“Hey, hey, who’s the lucky girl?”

Renjun, a little taken back, doesn’t know what to answer. He mutely pulls Jeno out of their hold and away from the crowd.

As they shuffle away, Jeno’s hands find their way to Renjun’s waist and stay there, holding on with the fear of being left behind to fend for himself again.

“Oh.” One lady sounds, eyes darting between Jeno’s hands and Renjun.

“Ohh,” says another, eyes shining with understanding.

Jeno bows his head, his face so hot it could burst any minute, but he doesn’t let go of Renjun’s waist.

Renjun bids a momentary farewell to the residents in the main lounge before reaching for Jeno’s hand and leading him down the hall to the rooms.

“Sorry about that, they get lonely here so when a new face shows up, they get excited.”

“Oh, it’s alright,” Jeno says automatically, giving Renjun’s hand a squeeze.

They arrive at the ward of one Mrs Song, her name labelled on the file hanging outside the door.

“This is the lady who gave me the doll,” Renjun whispers, “she’s very special to me.”

With a tentative knock, the door opens to reveal a nurse who smiles politely at Renjun with wordless recognition.

“She’s been expecting you for so long.” The woman says, making Renjun smile guiltily.

Stepping inside, Renjun pulls his hand away from Jeno and reaches for the old woman with open arms.

“Mrs Song!”

The woman, sitting in her bed with her legs outstretched, turns at the call. The room is painted sage green with simple, cream-coloured furnishing. There is only a large bed in the centre, a wardrobe to one side, and dresser on the other. On top of the dresser sit picture frames of what Jeno guesses are the residents family.

“Is that my Renjun?” She reaches out with her hands and Renjun grasps them, sitting down beside her.

“Come closer, my child. You haven’t visited in so long, I was starting to think you forgot about me!”

“Of course not, Mrs Song. How could I ever forget about you?”

Renjun shifts closer and lets Mrs Song press her lips to his temple.

She huffs, “I thought I told you to call me Grandma Song, forgetful boy!”

“Sorry, sorry, Grandma Song.”

Pleased, she shifts her attention to Jeno having finally noticed his presence standing at the door, watching the exchange fondly.

“Who is that?”

Jeno takes that as a cue to introduce himself, taking hesitant steps closer to her bed.

“I’m Jeno, Renjun’s friend from school, ma’am.”

“Oh?” She addresses Renjun, “you didn’t bring Chaewon today either?”

“Chaewon has work, so she couldn’t come… but she misses you dearly, and sent her regards.”

“No matter then,” she pats the empty space beside her, “Jeno, child, sit.”

Having sensed his hesitation, Renjun points to a chair in the corner and invites Jeno to sit close by at least. Once Jeno’s sitting down, Renjun directs his attention completely to Mrs Song and asks how she’s been doing.

She beams at him, before chatting about Mr Kang from across the hall who keeps pestering her to stroll with him, and about the stray cat that drops by every now and then that the residents have decided to name Tinsel. She talks about the mah-jong competition, and how Mrs Kim _definitely_ cheated, how there is going to be a dance next month and that Renjun should be her date.

The frank offer makes Renjun chuckle, and he sweetly promises her that he will do his best to make it.

Then her expression turns sombre as she talks about her son who she hasn’t seen in months, and by extension, her grandchildren. Her grips on Renjun’s hand slackens, but he makes up for it by clasping his other hand on hers and holding tight.

The room gets colder and Jeno watches Renjun’s face darken.

“Grandma, how about I sing you a song?”

As if the words were magic, Mrs Song’s mood instantly lifts. “Yes, yes please!”

Renjun glances at Jeno for a split second, his cheeks dusting pink as he avoids his eyes. Clearing his throat, Renjun starts to sing.

If Jeno thought Renjun was captivating before, there was nothing in this world that could adequately describe the Renjun right then.

As Renjun sings, hands still wrapped around Mrs Song’s, his voice is sweet and expression soft. With every note and every rise, his voice resonates throughout the room, making Jeno’s arms prick with goosebumps.

He serenades her, eyes not leaving her once, gentle and patient and kind. Mrs Song closes her eyes, swaying her head a slight, a smile spreading across her features.

The song itself is a slow and melodious Chinese song Jeno can’t understand, but even so, his eyes begin to blur with tears.

_What a beautiful jasmine flower._

_What a beautiful jasmine flower._

_Perfumed blossoms fill the branch,_

_Fragrant and white for everyone's delight._

When the song ends, Mrs Song opens her eyes. They share a smile, leaning their heads together affectionately.

Jeno feels a tear escape down his cheek and hurriedly wipes it away. When Renjun looks his way, he gives Jeno a small, timid smile, fixing his hair behind his ears.

Mrs Song praises Renjun on his voice, encouraging him to sing more but Renjun spares a fleeting look at Jeno, blushes, and politely declines.

The conversation continues on to little anecdotes here and there from Mrs Song and Renjun respectively, as the woman asks Renjun about his studies and Renjun asks about her health, which she dismisses with a quick _fine._

Half-way, Renjun abruptly stops talking as Mrs Song stares over his shoulder. Concern taking over his face, Renjun lightly taps her arm.

“Grandma Song?”

“J-Junsu? Junsu, is that you?” She stutters out, her voice getting louder and more panicked. As if a switch had gone off in her head, she throws Renjun’s hands off her and shouts, “JUNSU! WHERE ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE IS MY SON?! WHERE IS MY SON?!”

Bewildered, Jeno jumps to his feet, making a grab for Renjun but gets stopped by the latter. Renjun mutters to him that _it’s okay_ just as Mrs Song grabs Renjun’s shirt and tugs him back and forth, screaming in his ear.

“WHERE IS MY SON?! WHERE IS JUNSU?! JUNSU?! JUNSU?!”

Renjun’s expression remains calm as he soothes her, but her fits persist uncontrollably. Flipping his head to Jeno, he makes a stern signal for him to leave, and so a frazzled Jeno half-heartedly exits the room just as two nurses come rushing in.

Mrs Song’s hysteria dulls down behind the closed doors, yet Jeno’s heart is relentless, vigorously beating away. He walks down the hall and out the doors leading to the back garden, remaining in clear view of the glass doors so Renjun can easily spot him. He takes a couple of deep breaths, hand resting over his heart, and watches the sun go down.

By the time Renjun finds Jeno standing alone amongst the flower beds, the sun has long disappeared into the horizon. The sky is a brilliant lilac, slowly bleeding into the darkness of the night.

Jeno senses his presence before he’s even said a word, whipping around.

“Hey,” Renjun says casually, stepping to his side.

Wordlessly, Jeno watches him for a few seconds before wrapping his arms around him.

“Woah!” Renjun chuckles airily, patting Jeno on the back, he sinks into his embrace. “What’s this for?”

Jeno draws back to examine his face, expression creased with worry, he asks, “are you okay?”

Renjun tucks his arms behind his back, and cheerily responds, “of course I am!”

However, Jeno remains doubtful, still a little shell-shocked by the recent turn of events. He knows Renjun too well by now to read through the calm exterior he wears.

While it may not be as much of a shock to Renjun as it has been to Jeno, there’s no way he isn’t at least a little fatigued right now.

“Ren.” He says commandingly, and Renjun slumps in defeat.

“It happens, Jeno. She gets a little unwell, sometimes,” he swallows, “she misses her son. But she’ll be okay soon… she always gets better after resting.”

“Does she…” Jeno doesn’t get to finish his question, but Renjun answers knowingly.

“No,” he shakes his head, “she never remembers.”

They stand together in sombre silence for the next couple of minutes. Jeno curls a protective arm around Renjun, and similarly, Renjun keeps a steady hold around Jeno.

As always, his mind runs back to thinking about Renjun. Before today, he’s always known Renjun was an enigma of sorts, a mystery, but now, he’s never been surer.

Renjun is never one person, and there are never enough words to describe him. His actions and relationships demonstrate the vastness of his character – how he is strong yet delicate at the same time, sound yet sensitive and empathetic, an amalgam of everything that would never fit together, and yet, Renjun is here.

Renjun exists right here beside him, and Jeno has never been more in awe of, more in love with, anyone more than this.

The night wind arrives along with the complete closure of the day. It leaves Renjun’s hair in a messy tuft on his head. He turns to Jeno, pulling away from his hold but clutches onto his hand. The sensor lights flick on, and it’s time to go.

The walk home is quiet. Their hands stay intertwined together, though loosely now, and the pace they’ve set is slow and steady. It’s fine, because Jeno’s not ready to let go yet.

“My grandma passed away when I was little.” Renjun starts all of a sudden. “We had just moved to Korea, and my parents were so busy with work we couldn’t even go home for the funeral. My mum cried a lot and said it was her fault because my grandma begged her not to leave, but she had to because she wanted to allow me a better life.”

Jeno listens intently, letting Renjun know he is by squeezing his fingers.

“My grandma even told my mum that if she had to go, then to leave me behind because she wouldn’t be able to live without me.” He lets out an airy laugh that’s more mournful than merry. “But, I was young back then and, I didn’t care much for my grandma. She was always sick and couldn’t move around a lot, whereas all I wanted to do was play. I could never sit still for more than a minute. She’d always call for me to come and sit beside her bed, and sometimes my mum would forcibly carry me over there, but I’d run away after two words. My mum would scold me and my grandma would thereby scold her, told her that it was okay.”

They stop walking once they reach Jeno’s street. He sits down on the brick wall of the corner house and pulls Renjun down with him, urges him to keep going.

“On the day we left, I didn’t get to say goodbye because I was fast asleep and my dad carried me out first. She died a couple of months after we had settled down. I was still too young to understand or care, really.” With a shuddering sigh, Renjun bites down a sob and lets out a controlled but quiet, “I miss her now. If I could turn back time…”

Jeno reacts right away by swallowing Renjun into his arms. He presses his nose against Renjun’s cheek and rubs his back.

Renjun doesn’t speak any more about his grandma and Jeno doesn’t impose by asking anything else. With steadfast silence, Jeno offers his presence as comfort and judging by the way Renjun leans into his touch, he’s grateful.

“I can walk you home, or at least see you until you get to your street?” Jeno says after they realise it’s getting close to dinner and Renjun, at least, needs to hurry home.

“And then walk back again? No, it’s fine, it’s only a short walk away.”

Before Jeno can insist, Renjun stands to his feet and composes himself, dusting off the back of his pants. He bids Jeno a low thank-you and goodnight, and with a final hug, Jeno lets him go.

-

Prom season arrives in full swing. Banners and posters line the halls to the point where every way Jeno turns, he is met with something about the dance.

Not to mention, every day someone is getting asked in an overly extravagant manner that takes up too much time or too much space or creates too much mess and too much of a hassle for Jeno to side-step around when he’s just trying to get to class.

“Why are you so bitter?” Jaemin snaps at him one free period. “Don’t you have, like, a line of people asking you to go with them?”

The three of them are sitting in an empty tutorial room having snacks and attempting to study.

Except for Donghyuck, who is _actually_ studying on the whiteboard, working out maths problems to try and distract himself from anything prom-related, now that Mark won’t be able to attend due to a conflicting quiz.

Jeno flicks a chip crumb at him. “I’m not bitter, I just don’t get the hype. It’s only a dance.”

“Jaemin, are you seriously asking this question?” Donghyuck interjects, twirling a marker on his thumb, “why would Jeno care about the hoard of people asking him when the only person _he_ wants to go with is Renjun?”

Jaemin snaps his finger and wriggles his brows. “Shit, you’re right. Renjun.” He says, as if that’s all the explanation needed.

Jeno rolls his eyes and ignores their teasing sniggers. “It’s not about… that! It’s so hard having to decline every person asking because they get all disappointed, but shouldn’t they know –“

“ – that you only care about Renjun?” Donghyuck finishes.

“No –“

“ – that you’d rather be pathetically alone than have to withstand any non-Renjun presence?” Jaemin adds.

“No! Also, that’s practically the same thing!” Jeno splays out his palms on the desk determinedly, “what I’m saying is…” he stops, spacing out. Any words he meant to say wafts away into this air. “I forgot what I was gonna say.”

“Let me shed some divine light upon you,” Donghyuck pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards, “ask Renjun to prom.”

“Are you crazy?!”

“Ask him as a friend?!”

“Then I might as well go stag! There’s no difference!”

“You won’t be entering alone!”

“I – I can’t, besides,” Jeno swallows the jealous lump growing in his throat whenever he thinks of the fact that – “he’s going with Chaewon.”

Donghyuck and Jaemin exchange a look, understanding dawning upon them. They know well and clear that Renjun will never abandon Chaewon for anyone else, no matter who it is. Even if Renjun was to get asked as a date, his answer will always be Chaewon.

“Damn. Not gonna lie, that kinda sucks.” Jaemin says, which Jeno understands in reference to the unspoken understanding that for Renjun, when it comes to Chaewon, everyone else is second best.

To Jeno, he can only agree wholeheartedly with Jaemin that it totally, utterly, sucks.

While he doesn’t expect, nor want Renjun to ever leave his best friend for him, Jeno can’t help but wonder if it’ll always be this way. If he’ll always be an afterthought in comparison to Chaewon, whether as a friend or more.

No one wants to be a second thought, especially not to the person they like, and Jeno is no different.

He sighs loudly and kicks his feet up onto the empty chair beside him.

“It does. It really does.”

Due to the current environment, opening his locker has now become an everyday challenge for Jeno. What used to be a casual and thoughtless action is now daunting and nerve-wracking.

This is due to no other reason than having a pile of letters fall to his feet every time he opens his locker door. Right now, is no different.

“What are all those for?” Renjun says, materialising beside him. Jeno lifts his head just enough to make piteous eyes at Renjun, then continues to pick up the letters.

“These are all…” He hands one to Renjun to let him see for himself, unable to continue out of embarrassment.

Renjun laughs, because _of course_ he thinks this is amusing. “You really are popular, huh?”

“It’s not as great as people think it is, trust me,” Jeno answers bitterly, taking out his Literature books before shutting his locker.

“Oh, I don’t think that. I’m sure, like most things, it has its downsides.”

They walk to class together only to find out their teacher is suddenly absent and there’ll be no substitute. Instead, the coordinator left a simple note on the board.

_As seniors, I’m sure you all know what to do._

Of course, this is prom season, and so no one is actually going to get any work done. Save for a handful of students diligently studying by themselves, the rest of the class hang around the back in a large group, audibly discussing _Promposals_ and the like.

Renjun takes one look at Jeno’s ashen face and laughs, “how about we go to the library.”

He doesn’t have to ask Jeno twice, for the latter instantly grabs Renjun’s hand and steers him away in the opposite direction.

They find themselves a little nook between the bookshelves and drag over a giant beanbag.

Renjun pulls out his notes and laptop to try and get some work done ahead of the dance, since the days leading up to it he’ll be busy. As for Jeno, he sets up on the floor, beside Renjun’s legs, reading through each and every one of the letters.

“You’re actually going through all of them?” Renjun asks after a moment of simply watching Jeno read the letters with a strained expression.

“It’s the least I can do, I guess. I’m gonna reject them anyway, won’t it be asshole-ish of me to not even bother reading them?”

Mulling it over, Renjun tips his head forward in a nod. “What a gentleman. Come here, I wanna read too.”

“Okay, but I’m warning you, some of these are… a lot.”

Jeno wriggles into the space beside him and brings the letter in his hand closer for Renjun to take a look.

Renjun’s face twists painfully, eyes scanning over the emotional love declaration until he can’t read any further and pushes it away.

“Oh… wow.”

“I know,” Jeno responds mildly, as if he’s long used to it.

“H-how do you even… respond to that?”

Jeno clears his throat and exaggeratedly straightens his back, “Dear, so-and-so, I understand your feelings and cannot express how thankful I am for them. However, I am sorry to say that I cannot accept them, for I do not feel the same way. Please reconsider your affections for me, I am not worthy. I wish you all the best.”

Upon hearing the practised response, Renjun erupts into fits of laughter. “Oh my GOD, JENO! What are you? A sales-rep?! Someone’s secretary?!”

“I’m just being polite!”

“That’s too intense! You’re sooo formal, people are gonna think you’re an automated answering machine!”

“Then, how do you think I should decline?” He holds the letter towards Renjun and adds, “since you’re so good with words.”

Renjun strokes an imaginary beard and purses his lips in thought, “just add a little heart. What you said is fine but, leave out all the formalities. Say _thank you for your feelings, but I do not feel the same way._ It sounds brutal but, you can’t lead them on at the start and then reject them at the end. You need to draw a clear line. Also, never apologise for _your_ feelings. You don’t like them back? That’s okay. If what they feel is valid, then, why shouldn’t yours be?”

Jeno considers the advice for a moment. “Are you sure? I mean, I am sorry, I don’t know why I don’t like them. I just don’t.”

“Do you even know them?”

“Oh. No, not really, or at all.”

“Right, so? You can’t help your feelings just as they can’t help theirs. No need to apologize. Besides, an apology at that moment is just another way of pitying them, and won’t that just make them feel worse? Since you don’t know them, it’s better to clarify where you stand. Trust me, it’ll be better for them. They might be angry at first, but at least they won’t persist with something that’ll never be, right? Saves them time, effort, and heartache, and saves you from a burden.”

Jeno stares at Renjun’s hand on his wrist; the thin, calloused fingers that he wants to hold and never let go of. All this talk of feelings makes him wonder, if the time ever comes, will Renjun turn him down just like this? Like ripping off a bandaid and leaving his wound open to bleed profusely?

Because Renjun works in mysterious ways and, amongst his many other powers, can read Jeno’s mind like an open book, he answers without even needing Jeno to speak up.

“Of course, this only works with strangers though. With friends, it gets complicated, because there’s already that existing relationship you want to preserve, even if you can’t take it further. That’s when, I think at least, apologies can be given as mitigation. They don’t have to, but… it should still be very clear, because no matter who it is, you can’t drag on their feelings.”

“You sound like you’re experienced,” Jeno says with a chuckle, but his heart sits heavy in his chest. A gnawing feeling tells him he hit the nail on the mark.

Renjun stares at him wistfully, a small yet sad smile settling on his lips. He shakes his head.

“Don’t worry about it.”

So Jeno, never one to pry, doesn’t press on.

But he worries. He worries and worries and worries.

In the blink of an eye, it’s already the night of the prom,

Jeno finds himself standing in front of his mirror in his father’s old suit that fits snug around his chest and arms. His dark hair is parted to the side, held stiff in place with gel. The only thing left to complete his outfit is the tie, which hangs limply around his collar.

He fumbles with it for a while, pulling and tugging and flipping the two ends over and under each other, until he gives up and ends up in front of his sister’s door, hesitating to knock.

He groans inwardly, wishing to be anywhere else in the world where he wouldn’t have to wear this suit or wear a tie or do his hair to go to a dance where he won’t even _dance_.

By the time he gets around to actually knocking on the door, Yeeun has already sensed his presence.

“What do you want?” She snaps from behind the closed door.

Jeno takes that as his cue to enter.

Yeeun takes one look at him from across the room, eyes stopping at his undone tie, and smiles. She climbs off her bed and pulls Jeno into the room.

“Your last prom night, are you excited?”

Jeno makes a disgruntled noise, “not really, I’d rather stay home, but Donghyuck is a force to be reckoned with.”

She laughs lightly at that, nodding in agreement. “Are you just going with the guys or…?”

“Just with the guys,” Jeno replies, letting Yeeun adjust his jacket and fix his hair.

“What about Renjun?”

Jeno bites his lip, trapping a bitter laugh in his mouth. “He’s – uh – he’s going with a friend. It’s not like that with him anyway, so…”

Yeeun seems to get the message and doesn’t press any further.

It’s laughable, almost, how Jeno’s been trying so hard to squash his feelings for Renjun, only to have them multiply by the thousands and have everyone around him notice. Except for Renjun, of course.

_Of course._

After buttoning up Jeno’s collar close, she adjusts the tie around his neck and swiftly does it up.

“There you go!” She pats the traces of lint off his coat and pulls it close over his chest. “A little too big for it, huh?”

Jeno hums in response, turning to check himself in the mirror.

Yeeun takes another look at his face, her brows furrowed with dissatisfaction. Then, before Jeno can register what’s going on, she sits him down on the bed and pulls out her makeup bag.

“You look horribly plain,” is her simple excuse for prying open Jeno’s eye and drawing a faint brown line under his lashes. Then, she lightly fills in his brows and dusts his cheeks and nose with powder, finally sweeping a layer of gloss over his lips.

Once she pulls away from his face, Jeno inspects himself in the mirror. He flutters his lashes playfully, “am I pretty now?”

“Finally, yes.”

And Jeno has to agree. Although he didn’t think the makeup was necessary, at least he doesn’t look as ghoulish as he did before. God knows how much Donghyuck would’ve complained if he did.

“Lemme take a picture!” Yeeun says, readily whipping out her phone.

At that, Jeno flees the room immediately with Yeeun quick on her feet, hot on his trail. She eventually grabs a hold of his coat and yanks him back, forcing him to pose next to the stairway for a photoshoot.

Thankfully, only two photos later – much to Yeeun’s disappointment – Donghyuck and Jaemin alert their arrival with a loud beep, and Jeno’s out the door in a flash. He doesn’t even bother with his shoes, far too desperate to escape his sister’s clutches, opting to grab them on the way out and put them on in the car.

“Try to have fun!” Yeeun shouts from the door. Jeno looks back and sends her a smile before climbing into the car with one final tired exhale.

The hall is nearly packed by the time they arrive, although, Jeno can’t say for sure if it’s due to the number of people or the fake trees taking up most of the space.

True to the _Enchanted Forest_ theme, the hall is decorated with fake trees and flora lining the edges, with an assortment of fairy lights strung around them. Lanterns lined the entryway and thousands of tiny, twinkling lights fill the ceiling.

Jeno stands at the door and takes it all in. The hall looks magical, and he can’t help but think how much Renjun will love it too.

He wanders over to the food and drinks at the end of the room, away from the blob of students arriving and gathering in the middle to converse excitedly about the night ahead. The lights don’t shine as bright where he stands, so Jeno absorbs into the wall and quietly sips his punch.

Soon, Yangyang arrives, alone, and Jeno watches Donghyuck and Jaemin run up to greet him. Yangyang looks around, apparently searching for Jeno, so the latter raises his hand to catch his attention.

Yangyang cheerfully waves at him back before he’s dragged away by another circle of friends.

“Are you just gonna stand there until Renjun arrives?” Jaemin asks as he draws near, hands buried in his pockets and a smirk on his lips.

Jeno doesn’t give him the satisfaction of an answer, and averts his eyes to the band setting up on the stage. The lead singer taps the microphone twice before introducing himself and the band, then on the count of three, the music starts to play.

It’s not long before Renjun and Chaewon arrive, arm in arm, and Jeno’s acute _Renjun_ sense has him looking to the door instantly.

And it’s like some sort of cliché, the way his breath catches in his throat and times seems to move in slow motion.

Renjun stands at the mouth of the hall and the first thing he does is look around, eyes trailing over the décor with wonder, just like Jeno expected. He’s wearing a dusty blue suit and bow tie with a white flower pinned to his breast pocket. His hair is neatly combed back, lips juicy and pink, and even from a distance, Jeno can spot the shimmery shadow on his eyelids.

Hanging onto his arm, Chaewon wears a matching blue floor-length dress. Her hair is styled up with tiny white flowers threaded into her bun and a silver crown atop her head. On her wrist, she wears a white corsage to match with the flower on Renjun’s chest.

Then suddenly, their eyes meet, and Renjun’s smile grows wider.

Jeno’s heart does a flip in his chest. He pushes himself off the wall just as Renjun nudges Chaewon forward and walks towards him.

“Jeno!” He calls out and runs into his arms. “When did you get here?”

“Not too long ago.” Upon closer look, Renjun looks even more stunning than before. His eyes sparkle under the lights, and Jeno’s heart stutters once again. “You look… amazing.”

A faint dusting of pink coats Renjun’s cheeks and ears. He looks down shyly at his feet, then back into Jeno’s eyes. “Thank you. You look great too, as always, so handsome.”

Noticing Chaewon behind him, Renjun backs away from Jeno’s hold. Jeno turns his attention to Chaewon and smiles.

“Chaewon, you look beautiful!”

Chaewon colours at the compliment, eyes darting to the floor. “Thanks! You look really good too…”

“Do you like her hair?” Renjun cuts in and twirls Chaewon around, “I did it!”

“You did?”

Chaewon nods, “he did. Trust me, when he offered, I was sceptical too but –“

“I am a man of many talents.” Renjun finishes, puffing out his chest.

Afterwards, the two leave Jeno be and join the dance floor just as the music starts to pick up. Jeno retreats back to his spot against the wall, another refill of punch in his hand.

Renjun is a great dancer, he finds out after minutes of simply being unable to take his eyes off him.

Not only can Renjun hold a beat, but more so, he looks fun to dance _with_ , if the way Chaewon laughs with her head thrown back as Renjun spins her around the room says anything.

He isn’t that much taller than Chaewon, so when the music slows down and Renjun pulls her close, he’ll whisper indiscernibly into her ear, making her giggle behind her hands as they sway mindlessly to the music.

Jeno laughs to himself as he watches Renjun clutch Chaewon’s hand out like a sword and swing her around the room dramatically. Slicing through the crowd, they march around the room without care, chins up and expressions ridiculously serious– although Chaewon is near bursting with laughter.

Jaemin pulls up to his side a little later, eyes darting between Renjun and Jeno.

“You look like a fool.”

Jeno sighs, blinking away to look at Jaemin. “Maybe I am.”

To that, Jaemin only scoffs.

A while later, Donghyuck comes over to pull Jeno and Jaemin off the wall and into a weird, three-way dance of their own. The music is loud in Jeno’s ears and the lights cascade over him. For a moment, he escapes any and all thoughts of the starry-eyed boy.

Until he feels a tap on his shoulder. Spinning around, Jeno comes face to face with Renjun, a little winded, which he knows is not from dancing.

“I need to go to the bathroom for a bit,” Renjun says, pressing close against Jeno so that he’s heard over the music, “take care of Chae for me?”

Then Renjun’s hand slips off his shoulder only to be swiftly replaced by Chaewon’s. He nudges them closer together, winking at Chaewon before waltzing out of the crowd.

Jeno watches him leave, befuddled and unable to wretch away without it looking really, really, rude of him.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to dance with Chaewon, it’s more like he can’t, or shouldn’t.

Being somewhat aware of Chaewon’s feelings, Jeno knows he shouldn’t lead her on when he doesn’t, and probably will never, reciprocate. However, the problem lies with the fact that he’s not sure of what he does, exactly, that will lead her on or make her like him even more. So until now, Jeno’s tactic has been to avoid being alone with her altogether.

After all, it’s not like he can force himself to be rude and unlikeable. Especially not to Renjun’s best friend, of all people.

He looks down at Chaewon, whose arms hang limply around his shoulder. She stares down at the floor, a furious blush spreading all the way down to her neck.

And because Jeno is nice by nature, which often brings him more harm than good, he tentatively places his hands on her waist and starts to sway.

Chaewon tilts her head up at him, slightly stunned and lips parted a slight. But she doesn’t say anything and lets Jeno sway their bodies to the music.

Shortly after the song finishes and before the next one can start, Jeno cranes his head to look over the crowd for any signs of Renjun coming back. He spots Jaemin and Donghyuck staring at him, collective looks of _‘what-the-fuck’_ apparent on their face. With no sight of Renjun, he pulls his head back to Chaewon.

She’s leaning into him now, just a little, still maintaining a couple of inches of uncertain distance. Her arms wrap around his shoulder tighter, her breath fanning the skin on his neck.

Jeno keeps his hands steady on her waist, eyes trained forward. Every few minutes, he’ll cast his sight around once more in search of Renjun.

After their third song together and just as the music begins to slow down, Chaewon spots him first.

“Ren!” She calls over the crowd, beckoning him over.

Jeno retracts his hands instantly and steps back.

When Renjun’s close enough, Chaewon pulls him forward and practically throws him to Jeno. Her face is still a little flushed, eyes still refusing to meet Jeno’s.

“I need to go to the ladies’ room too, and my feet hurt.” She says hurriedly before disappearing into the crowd.

Renjun mutters something under his breath, shaking his head. He turns to Jeno with a smile. For the first time in a while, Jeno relaxes.

“So, shall we dance then?”

Jeno stares at him, bewildered. Of all things, he hadn’t expected Renjun to be the one asking him to dance. Heck, he didn’t think he’d get to dance with Renjun at all, let alone to a slow song.

“Sure.” Jeno manages to wrench out of his throat.

With that permission, Renjun guides Jeno’s hands to his waist and throws himself around his shoulders.

He tips his head back, a dazed smile on his lips. There’s a slight dimple in his cheek, which Jeno loves and dreams of kissing one day.

“How has your night been thus far, Mr Lee?”

Jeno chuckles casually, playing along, “it’s been alright, Mr Huang.” After a moment’s thought, he adds boldly, “better now.”

“Really?” Renjun beams, “I’m glad to hear that then.”

As they sway to a gentle and steady rhythm, Renjun leans in close and rests his cheek against Jeno’s shoulder. His breath is warm against Jeno’s neck, and Jeno is filled with nothing but overwhelming, overpowering, affection and adoration for the boy in his arms.

He holds Renjun’s waist tight, and it’s so, so impossibly small in his hold it devastates him. He wants to yell and scream about it, about Renjun, about he fits so perfectly in his arms and how he never, ever wants to let go.

Jeno observes the way the lights dance across Renjun’s features. He watches them fall like glitter on his cheeks, the way they bounce off the smooth skin in a way that makes it seem Renjun glows from within, and in many ways, he does.

Jeno watches the lights fall over his hair, how they glint off the brown and turn it into gold. Renjun’s eyes flutter close as he takes a deep breath, and Jeno swears he sees stardust.

“Jeno?”

“Hmm?” He waits for Renjun to go on, but after seconds pass and Renjun remains silent, Jeno pulls back a little with worry. “What’s wrong?”

Renjun’s eyes search his face, brows knitted together, lips parted with something ready on the edge of his tongue. The lights in his eyes sparkle for a split second, then fade away.

“Nothing.” Renjun swallows and hugs him again, “I don’t know what I was gonna say…”

Jeno runs a hand down his back and holds him tighter, cheek pressed against Renjun’s head.

Somewhere, in what Jeno can assume is the second hour of the dance, the music starts to pick up again. But Renjun doesn’t move to dance to the tune and so neither does Jeno.

Then, the dreamlike moment shatters.

“REN! LOOK WHO CAME!”

Chaewon’s voice sounds over the crowd and makes Renjun jerk back, eyes searching through the crowd. He finds Chaewon standing at the entryway, and beside her is Donghyuck, Jaemin, Yangyang and –

“LUCAS!”

Jeno stares as Renjun runs across the room and straight into the older boy’s arms.

“Little Huang!”

“How’d you – when did you –“

“I invited him since he wanted to see you guys,” Yangyang explains with a click of his tongue, proudly smiling.

Jeno makes his way over, curtly greeting Lucas with a quick smile. Standing to the side, he watches Renjun fawn over him, eyes shining and smile so wide it looked impossible to wipe off.

As Lucas goes around complimenting their outfits, when he gets to Renjun, Jeno catches his eyes flash with a familiar tenderness. By the time he blinks, it’s gone.

The realization hits Jeno like a knife to the gut. His mind scatters, lungs collapsing in his chest and heart pounding in his ears as he recalls the conversation he shared with Renjun before.

The one Renjun liked but _not anymore_ , the reason why he’s so familiar with the complications related to rejecting a friend. He even remembers a passing exchange with Yangyang, that one time Renjun came to watch him practice, a comment about how Renjun stopped coming to watch them since Lucas –

Jeno takes a step back, his feet weighing like anchors. His heart lurches in his chest and his lungs start to ache the more he watches Renjun flit around Lucas with unremitting affection. He doesn’t even notice Mark step in from behind the crowd around Lucas until Donghyuck screams in his ear.

“MARK LEE?!” Donghyuck splits the group apart to run towards his boyfriend, “MARK LEE!”

“Hey,” Mark greets them coolly, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck and kissing his nose. “Were you surprised?”

“You told me you weren’t coming! What about your quiz? I did _maths_ because of you!”

Mark laughs nervously, baffled and very much confused. He scratches the back of his neck and smiles awkwardly. “I studied as much as I could, and I’ll do some tomorrow morning. I wasn’t going to come but Lucas mentioned coming and I just – I wanted to see you tonight.”

Donghyuck foregoes all decency and kisses Mark then and there, making Jaemin gag where he stands beside Jeno.

“They make me sick.” Jaemin mockingly gags again, but Jeno catches him smile fondly soon after.

He turns his attention back to Renjun, who has glued himself to Lucas’ side with Chaewon at the other. They drag him towards the dance-floor, Lucas’ arms wrapped around their waists. His hand is placed at the small of Renjun’s back –

And Jeno’s seen enough.

“Jeno? Jeno! Where are you going? JENO!” Jaemin yells after him, but Jeno doesn’t turn back.

Jealousy never tasted so bitter against his tongue.

What makes the entire situation a thousand times worse is the fact that Jeno has no idea why he’s so jealous to begin with.

Sure, Renjun might’ve liked Lucas at one point. Why should that be of any concern to Jeno now? It’s not like he himself knew Renjun existed back then. And even if Renjun has a hint of feelings left over for Lucas, it’s not like he isn’t allowed to. So, what’s got Jeno’s so bothered? It’s not as if Lucas will just turn around and decide he likes Renjun after all, and then they’ll get together, right?

_Right?_

Jeno hangs his head between his knees, a loud sigh escaping him. His exhausted heart finally subsides down to gentle thumps in his chest. But his mind remains a mess – the aftermath of a tempest blowing through would leave it like that, after all.

He hears light footsteps coming from behind him. Without turning around, he already knows who it is.

“Hey,” Renjun says, sitting down on the steps beside Jeno.

“Hey,” Jeno responds coldly, head still buried in his arms.

“I was looking for you in there. I heard Jaemin yelling and got worried.”

Renjun’s voice is tinged with genuine concern, and Jeno hates, _loathes_ , how weak he is for him.

“Why are you here?” Jeno asks, lifting his head. It comes out a little harsher than he expected, and if Renjun finds it so, he doesn’t show it. “Why aren’t you with… your friends?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He pushes away the hair that’s fallen across Jeno’s eyes. “You seem a little upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jeno swallows and shakes his head. “No – it’s nothing.”

_It’s just that I’m stupidly jealous for no reason other than because I love you, but you might still be in love with someone that I could never compete with. It’s just that I’ve realised that even if you don’t like him now, you did once and that in itself reflects your standards so how could I, ever, even think to measure up to someone who is funnier than me, taller than me, a better player than me, and closer to you than me. It’s just that I’ve realised you are my first everything, and at best, I am your second something._

In his silence, Renjun’s concern festers. “Are you sure? You can tell me anything, you know that right?”

Jeno watches the moonlight slant across Renjun’s features. As always, he looks breathtaking.

Guilt rises like bile in Jeno’s throat.

“Do you just… not like dances?” Renjun continues slowly.

“No – it’s not that. I like them. I like watching everyone have fun.”

“Then? Is it something at home? Something… with your friends? School? Exams?”

Jeno shakes his head at each one, yet Renjun persists with heightening worry. Yanking his tie loose, Jeno unbuttons his the top two buttons of his shirt and takes a deep breath.

“No, Ren –“

“Then, is it me?” Renjun asks gently, eyes wavering. “Did I do something?”

At once, Jeno’s heart breaks.

“No, no, Renjun, you didn’t do anything.” He scrambles to clasp Renjun’s hands in his. “I promise, I’m sorry, it’s just something that I have to deal with myself, but it’s not your fault. I swear.”

Renjun throws himself into Jeno’s arms, inhaling deeply against his neck. “Okay, I won’t pry anymore. But, you can tell me, if you want, okay? You’re very important to me so I don’t – I don’t want you to think that you can’t come to me for anything.”

And just like that, Jeno’s heart mends itself. It’s not any consolation to the existing worries, but knowing that Renjun cares for him enough to be here like this, for now, that’s enough.

He has no right to ask for more.

“Okay,” Jeno says, pulling back cup Renjun’s cheeks in front of him, “I’ll remember that.”

“You better!”

Renjun slips out of Jeno’s arms and sits down on the step, but keeps close to Jeno’s side.

The night breeze is frosty, and Renjun’s neatly styled hair now dances in the wind before falling gracefully across his eyes. He shivers a slight, making Jeno wrap an arm around him.

“You should go back inside,” Jeno advises, staring ahead, “it’s warmer.”

“What about you?”

“I… I think I’ll just go home.”

“Then, I’ll come with you!” Renjun says without missing a beat.

“No, Ren, your friends are here… Lucas came all the way…”

Renjun considers it for a second, and Jeno’s heart twinges again.

“I was going to take Chaewon home but –“ He clamps his lips together, glancing up at Jeno before jumping to his feet. “Wait here!”

Jeno watches him run back inside. He has half a heart to leave, not wanting to burden Renjun with his mopey self any longer than he already has, but the selfish part of him wants to hold on to Renjun for just a while longer.

“Okay!” Renjun runs out and jumps down the steps, his coat hanging off his back. “I spoke to the guys and Chaewon said she’ll just have Lucas drop her off, so I’m all yours.”

“You really don’t –“

“Shush! I don’t wanna hear it!” Renjun wears his coat properly and buttons it up, then wraps his scarf around his neck. He hugs Jeno’s arm to his chest and marches ahead.

“Are we calling a cab or should I call my parents?” Jeno asks, letting Renjun drag him away from the hall and onto the front streets.

“I was thinking we could go get something to eat? Maybe _ramyeon_ , or hotpot – oh my God I could really go for some hotpot right now!” He stops to ask Jeno, “sound okay?”

Jeno leans forward and knocks their heads together lightly. He smiles. “Sounds great.”

-

Mid-winter brings the cold in full gusto. The sky is grey and everything feels miserable. The heater whirs on for hours on end in every inch of the school; the sound that once drove Renjun insane now becomes commonplace at the back of his mind.

The days are shorter and the nights are darker and Renjun hasn’t slept properly in days – but that’s got more to do with the upcoming exams than winter. But for now, let’s blame it all on winter.

He also hasn’t been able to visit _his tree_ in weeks, simply because it’s far too cold for any sane person to be out. If Renjun’s been more agitated these days, that’s primarily the reason why.

Fortunately, his nature doesn’t allow him to be glum for long, no matter the situation. Even amongst the barren trees and vigorous, sharp wind, amongst the grey clouds and the frostbite, there is a silver lining.

Pillowy snow and the Winter Festival.

Annually, mid-winter, their town holds a Winter Festival at the local sports grounds. Businesses and even the average residents will set up stalls for hot food, drinks, and games, and the entire park is decorated to become a winter wonderland for the night.

A few years back, when Renjun and Chaewon were in their last year of middle school, they held a stall as well, selling hot chocolate and coffee. It wasn’t the most profitable venture, but that wasn’t their aim in the first place. They had fun, ate way too many marshmallows for their stomachs to bear, and spent all the money they made on trying to win a goldfish from the stall across them.

They won it eventually and spent the next few weeks rotating it around from one house to the other until the poor creature passed away. Chaewon cried and they held a funeral, clothes and everything. Yangyang played the recorder ( _that poor, poor fish_ ) and Renjun gave a speech.

Ever since then, since high school started actually, they’ve all been too busy to open a stall at the festival again. Chaewon mentioned an idea for a stall once, in passing, in their first year, but they never ended up going through with it.

Presently, as Renjun sits on the bay window towards the back of the library, gazing down dreamily at the white blanket of snow covering the earth below, he yearns for the carefree days of yesteryear. If he had the time and if Chaewon did too, he’d be brainstorming for a stall already.

Unfortunately, he’s stuck memorising the process and formulas of electromagnetic induction instead.

He sighs.

“Ren,” Chaewon calls from under him, her back pressed against the wall, cushioned by her bag, “this is the fifth time you’ve sighed already, what’s up?”

“I just – “ he throws down his book and kicks back against the seat, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit the exams, if I have to look at another formula I’ll have to go back in time and make Newton and Einstein eat my fist. I’ll have to.”

“See,” she taps the side of her head, “this is why you needed to be smart like me, and not have chosen physics.”

Chaewon switches colour pencils from brown to a dark green and proceeds to outline her diagram of a plant cell. Renjun envies her calm.

Oh what he’d do, to be carefree and draw pretty diagrams all day.

“I hate this,” he complains with a sob, “I want my money back.”

Chaewon only stokes Renjun’s misery by lifting the scorned textbook up to his face and making him groan with pain.

Their minds are clearly in sync, though, because a few minutes later, Chaewon is slapping her own book shut and leaning onto the bay.

“Winter festival, are we going or not?”

“Of course.” Renjun replies with an _‘obviously_ ’ gone unspoken because, really, he wouldn’t miss it for the world.

“Good,” Chaewon says, pleased. “Do you think Jeno will come?”

A smirk tugs on his lips, ready to tease. Chaewon catches her error before Renjun even says anything, and groans loudly, rolling her eyes.

“Do you want Jeno to come?”

“Forget it, I hate you.”

“Here’s an idea, maybe,” Renjun starts, tapping his chin in feigned thought, “you should ask Jeno to go with you, as a date!”

“Renjun.”

“Chaewon?”

She sighs with exasperation, eyes flitting around the room. “I’m not doing that. At least, I can’t, yet.”

“Chae, just ask him! It’s not that big of a deal. It’s so frustrating seeing you all hopeless like this!”

And in many ways, he’s being honest.

Ever since the dance, and after spending the rest of the night mucking around Jeno, Renjun is no longer as anxious about his relationship with either of them.

He and Chaewon have been friends for far too long, and have been through far too much, for him to be concerned over his place. As for with Jeno, they have a pretty good thing going that doesn’t look like it’ll fizzle out anytime soon, especially not because of any relationship – with his best friend, no less.

Or at least, that’s what Renjun has convinced himself, and it will only be confirmed if Chaewon and Jeno start dating and nothing changes in his relationships with both of them.

It might seem like a dicey bet, but, the best way to learn how to swim is to first jump into the water, right?

“Will you just –“ Chaewon sighs again, cheeks reddening, “just ask him to come?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Renjun laughs lightly, sliding off the sill to sit beside her. “He’s your friend too!”

“Yeah, but he likes you! He talks to you more and… he’s still a little awkward around me… doesn’t say a lot and is always tense…”

Huh. Renjun never thought of it that way before – that the Jeno around him was far different from the Jeno around Chaewon. An awkward and quiet Jeno has long faded from his memory.

“Then, you should try to change that,” Renjun advises when he notices Chaewon’s expression cloud.

She hums, hugging her knees to her chest, and says no more.

In the end, it’s Jeno who brings up the Winter Festival.

“ – so I was thinking if you’d wanna go… with me?” He finishes, eyes trained on his feet, fingers twiddling.

Renjun laughs in his face, “oh my God, I was going to ask you too!”

Jeno looks at him, baffled. “R-really?”

“Yeah,” Renjun nods excitedly, “Chaewon, Yangyang, and I go every year, and she was asking me to invite you along!”

For the slightest second, Jeno’s smile falters, “Oh.”

“So, that settles it then?” He asks slowly, suddenly unsure where he’d misstepped. “We’re all going together?”

There’s a flash of discontentment striking across Jeno’s features that are quickly whisked into the usual kindness that comes with his warm-hearted smile. It instantly washes away Renjun’s doubts, more so when Jeno nods in agreement.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Great! Bring Jaemin and Donghyuck along too. The more the merrier!”

Jeno fixes his eyes on the board, the smile never leaving his lips, although, it’s no longer as warm. Renjun tries not to think too much of it.

“Yup, sure.”

On the night of the festival, the two groups meet at the street before the park and head in together. Chenle and Jisung had arrived much earlier and headed on in without them, but they promised to meet at the end of the night for the lantern show.

As a full-time idiot, Yangyang went against any better judgement Renjun and Chaewon had to offer and decided to dress in only a light down jacket, not fond of the way thick layers and padding constricted his movement. He was also pretty darn certain that once they get into the thick of the festivities, the heat from the food stalls and sheer amount of people would warm him up anyway. If he wore extra layers, he’d have to take them off and carry them around when it got too hot.

Except, while the walk to the festival is a short one, it’s freezing out enough to cause hypothermia within a matter of minutes.

The streets are dark, but even under the low light of the overhead lamps, it’s clear Yangyang’s ears and lips are pale from the cold. His teeth chatter like it’s running on a motor, and he hunches his shoulders in defence against the chillingly sharp wind.

“C-come on g-guys!” He chatters out disjointedly, “let’s walk faster so we can get there sooner!”

“Are you dumb?!” Donghyuck snaps from behind, seeing straight through Yangyang’s ploy, “why aren’t you wearing more layers?!”

“You just guessed it,” Chaewon says from beside him, glaring into Yangyang’s back, “because he’s dumb!”

“Listen,” Yangyang spins around and walks backwards, hands held up in defence, “once we get in there and y’all start sweating like greased rotisserie meat, then you will understand.”

Then he turns back around and starts shivering uncontrollably, any point he tried to make wasting away instantly.

And after a few minutes of Yangyang’s teeth clacking, Renjun decides he’s had enough.

“God! You piss me off!” He yanks off his scarf and padded jacket and jogs up to Yangyang, wrestling the clothes onto him.

“I don’t need them!”

“Shut up?! You’re so cold you’re gonna pass out any second and I will _not_ be lugging your pathetic ass home!”

Yangyang’s eyes shine as Renjun wraps the scarf around his neck, muttering angrily under his breath.

“Ren!”

“Just go!” Renjun says, shoving him forward. He returns to his spot between Chaewon and Jeno, watching contently as Yangyang skips ahead with new ardour.

Jeno leans close to his ear, concerned. “You’re gonna be cold now.”

“It’s fine –“

“Jeno’s right.” Chaewon cuts in, expression equally worried. “It’s still a few minutes away, and the line to get in is gonna be so long, we’ll be out in the cold for a while.”

She starts unravelling her scarf when Renjun stops her. “Chae, don’t. It’s fine, I have three layers under, see?” He pulls his hoodie up a little to reveal another woollen top underneath. The cold bites a little, but it’s not too bad. The faster they walk, the more he’ll warm up.

Before Chaewon can object, Renjun’s shoulders are blanketed by a jacket being placed around them. He whips around to look accusingly beside him.

“Jeno!”

“Just wear it,” Jeno says firmly, forcibly trying to zip Renjun up without even pulling his arms through.

“What about you?”

“It’s okay, I run a little hot anyway.”

“Liar.” Renjun tries to squirm out of the jacket, but to no avail as Jeno pulls it onto him like one would for a baby.

“Serious. Just hold my hand.”

Renjun does, and sure enough, Jeno’s hands are strangely warm and undeniably soft. In stark contrast, Renjun’s hands are dry and calloused and cold. He feels a little embarrassed, having Jeno hold them so tightly.

But Jeno doesn’t show any signs of letting go, rather, he stuffs it into his jacket pocket (yes, he’s wearing another) even though Renjun can just put both hands in his own.

A warm current surges through his veins and Renjun’s not sure if it’s because of the jacket sitting on his shoulders that fits large around him, comfortingly, or the smell of Jeno’s cologne lingering along its collar, or that Jeno’s hand holds his so securely in the confines of his jacket.

Whatever the reason – no – _Jeno is the reason._

The realisation sends a jolt of electricity straight down his spine, and he jerks on the spot.

“You okay?” Chaewon and Jeno turn to him instantly. Jeno squeezes his hand, sending another wave of heat through his body.

“I’m fine.” Renjun manages to croak out. His throat starts to dry up the more he looks between Chaewon and Jeno, though he’s not so sure why.

Jeno appears content with the answer and looks on ahead at Donghyuck, Jaemin and Yangyang marching on in front of them. Chaewon closes against Renjun’s arm, hugging it to her chest as they walk towards the golden lights glowing in the distance.

The park is crawling with people by the time they arrive, and it takes a while for the line outside the gates to make their way in.

Warm light emits from the stalls set up all across the field, and the smell of hot sweets and spicy broths waft through the air. Towards the centre of the field is a large open area decked with chairs and tables where people have already gathered around to chat and eat in relaxation.

Although it might seem suffocatingly busy to some, Renjun loves the sheer amount of life the festival brings. There is chatter and laughter filling the air, the shouts of sellers promoting their stalls, old friends catching up, and new friends being made.

Each person moves with wonder, eyes shining as their attention is stolen by one thing, then another, and then another. The lights strung overhead shine down with the exuberance of the sun, and along with the hustle and bustle, the night awakens, as if it is day.

Upon entering, Yangyang beelines towards the nearest stall selling skewers. He grabs himself two fish cake sticks and a little cup of broth, munching down quickly to warm his tummy up.

Renjun senses Chaewon’s grip around him tighten, then he’s being torn out Jeno’s grasp and dragged over to Yangyang.

Looking back over his, Renjun searches for Jeno amongst the dense crowd, smiling with ease once he sees him making his way over.

They appease their growling stomachs with some skewers before setting off around the park, flitting from one stall to the other.

Somewhere along the way, their group of six splits up into two, with Jeno, Renjun and Chaewon setting off to explore together. Amidst her excitement, Chaewon ends up dragging Renjun around wherever she pleases without bothering to wait on anyone else. However, to Renjun’s ease, Jeno manages to follow them around at his own languid pace without losing sight of them once.

Spotting a jewellery stall, Chaewon sharply gasps and drags Renjun towards it.

“Look at these!” Chaewon holds a pair of earrings in her palm. Two tiny studs in the shape of a flower, a lavender stone sitting in its centre. “I’m gonna get them.”

“Chae.” Renjun warns softly, “you can’t just buy the first one you like.”

“Okay then, how about this one?!”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“But look at them.” She tries, pouting as she holds another pair, two red ladybirds, to her ears. “Look how pretty.”

While Renjun surely loves the festival, he’s also the first one to attest that the items being sold here are generally marked up much higher than they usually would be at a regular stall. It’s fine to buy one or two things that are of absolute want or necessity, but for impulsive buyers like Chaewon, it was no better than throwing money into the wind.

After another stern look, Chaewon grumbles and settles for the ladybird ones.

“Good girl.” Renjun pats her hair, “you can buy something else that you like later.”

As Chaewon lines up to pay, Renjun finally notices the empty presence beside him and looks around for Jeno. He takes a few steps, craning his head this way when suddenly someone bumps into his back.

Jeno arm’s come around to steady him, lightly chuckling, “looking for me?”

Renjun whips around, “where’d you go?”

Chaewon bounces up to them at that moment, dropping her purchase into her tote bag. “Oh, Jeno, where’d you go?”

“I saw these,” he says simply and brandishes two long lollipops, one in the shape of a rose and the other, a tiny rabbit. He hands the rabbit to Chaewon and the rose to Renjun.

Renjun watches a deep flush spread across Chaewon’s cheeks when Jeno hands her the candy. He swallows down a chuckle, taking to examining the rose lolly in his hand.

A brilliant, crimson red, the light glistens against the curves of the petals.

Oddly, his heart flutters in his chest, and the feeling so sudden and foreign makes him freak. So he hurriedly shoves the candy into his mouth and gives Jeno a smile.

Jeno smiles back, dazzling, blinding, and Renjun is forced to look away.

They carry on exploring the other stalls, some games, but most selling clothes, accessories, or household trinkets. They play around at a stall selling weird hats, trying on one after the other and taking obnoxious photos in the tiny mirror at the back, Jeno forced into the middle.

Chaewon, naturally, buys a bunny hat with squeezable ends that make the ears jump. Jeno calls her cute and she colours prettily once more. Renjun’s chest warms at her smile.

“You gonna buy one?” Jeno asks him at a stall selling antique clocks and watches.

Renjun fiddles with the pocket-watch in his hand, fitting snug in his palm. The brass is cool to the touch. “Yeah, for my dad. And I might get that for my mum.” He points to a large oriental fan hanging at the back. It’s black in colour with the silhouettes of a king and queen painted across the leaf in gold and navy, while an open book splays out from the pivot.

“It’s from _One Thousand and One Nights,_ ” Renjun explains, and Jeno catches on.

“Ahh, your mum will love that.”

Renjun smiles at himself, a little proud, a little pleased. “I know.”

“You’re not getting anything for yourself?”

“Nah,” Renjun tuts and looks around with a twisted expression. His hand reaches towards a kaleidoscope laid out beside the box of pocket-watches. His fingers graze against its body, then retracts.

Chaewon returns to them hugging a bucket of rainbow fairy floss and holds it out for them to take.

“Oooh, for Aunty Huang?” She guesses right-away as the stall owner neatly folds the fan and tucks it into a paper bag. She shoves another layer of the cotton candy into her mouth, a tiny speck getting stuck on the corner of her lips.

Jeno’s eye catches onto it, and being, well, _Jeno_ , he reaches out without warning and rubs it off.

Chaewon stiffens at the contact, eyes wide and breath catching in her throat.

Realising himself, Jeno withdraws his hand immediately. “I – I’m sorry –“

“N – no! Oh my God – don’t be, please.”

Renjun stares at them with his heart in his throat. The sweet floss melting in his mouth strangely starts to taste horribly salty.

“Seriously, Chae,” he pulls her towards him with a chesty laugh, turning her face away from Jeno. He wipes at her mouth his thumb. “Look at you.”

The problem is, Renjun doesn’t understand any of it. Why his heart is suddenly sitting at the pit of his stomach, or why his chest hurts with every breath. He can’t pinpoint what it is about seeing Jeno and Chaewon so close, seeing Jeno touch her lips so naturally and without thought, why the sight sent a sharp pain straight through his gut.

He clears his throat and steadies his breathing, croaking out, “we should call the others to meet up. I’m kind of hungry so let’s eat now.”

Jeno, looking a little dishevelled himself, wordlessly nods and digs his phone out of his pocket.

Chaewon, on the other hand, watches him turn away then returns her gaze to Renjun. Her cheeks are pink, lips red from being bitten. She hesitantly reaches up to the corner of her lips, the same place Jeno touched. She smiles faintly, dreamily.

And Renjun sees green.

The sudden surge of emotion he recognizes as envy shocks him, and he mentally kicks himself straight. Chaewon is his best friend, his little sister. She means everything to him and more – so, why?

_Why? Why? Why?_

“They wanna have _tteok_ and chicken at one of the stalls near the dining space.” Jeno interrupts. He watches Renjun curiously but doesn’t step closer.

Renjun nods, reeling his thoughts in and manages to muster out, “okay, let’s go.”

Grabbing Chaewon’s hand, he mindlessly leads Chaewon away without waiting for Jeno to catch up.

Pushing through the thick of the crowd, they arrive at the central dining area. Donghyuck spots them first and rushes over to sling an arm around him.

“Where’s Jeno?”

That’s when Renjun snaps back, head whipping around to find Jeno.

“He… he was following us…” he says rather unsurely.

Donghyuck gives him a peculiar once-over before shrugging, “hmm, he probably got lost in the crowd. It’s fine. He’ll find us soon.”

Yangyang is waiting for them at an empty table and waves them over. He explains that Jaemin couldn’t wait and went to order food already, and then says excitedly goes on to talk about everything that they did.

It all goes over Renjun’s head, his mind still whirling from the utter mess of emotions he had just gone through. Although his breathing has returned and his heart is calm, he can’t stop thinking about why he felt so bitter.

Why did he suddenly get so possessive? Pulling Chaewon away from Jeno like that. He knows, that if Jeno had been standing closer, he would’ve slapped his hand away instead.

The thought only makes him feel worse. He wants to pull at his hair, claw at his skin, and no matter how hard he tries, the feeling is unshakeable.

Beside him, Chaewon remains weirdly quiet, no doubt still recovering from before but for a different reason entirely. She shows engagement in the conversation through smiles and giggles, reflecting that at least, she’s doing far better than how Renjun is feeling.

Paradoxically, that both calms and unsettles him.

He’s never felt so heinous in his life.

Jaemin returns to the table whinging that he took too long, but their complaints die out at the sight of the steaming food. They dig in while Jaemin spots Jeno in the distance and runs to bring him over.

Renjun closes the space between him and Donghyuck, pulling Chaewon aside as well. He can’t bear to have Jeno next to him right now.

But thankfully, Jeno takes the adjacent seat beside Donghyuck, out of sight unless Renjun were to turn – which he very strictly does not do.

The rest of the night passes by in a blur and soon their parents start to ring one by one. For the while that they clean up the rubbish, Renjun senses Jeno glancing at him, but doesn’t make a move to approach him.

He doesn’t know whether it gladdens him or not.

By the time they start to head out, the crowd has dwindled and many stalls have started to close.

“Mum’s coming to pick me up.” Chaewon says, pocketing her phone, “Ren, Yangyang, we’ll drop you?”

“Yes, please.” Yangyang yawns, worn out and slumped against Jaemin’s side.

Renjun mutters a word of thanks when Jeno suddenly pulls him back by the arm.

“Ren, wait.”

Chaewon stops walking and looks back curiously, but Renjun takes one look at Jeno’s face and gestures for her to keep going.

“What’s wrong?”

Jeno pulls them aside, behind a closed stall. He looks at him, troubled. “Are you okay?”

Clearly, Jeno noticed Renjun avoiding him but was too considerate to say anything. It makes guilt crawl up Renjun’s throat.

“Yeah,” he wheezes out, “I’m fine.”

“Really? You seemed a little upset before.” Jeno says, but his tone suggests he isn’t pressing on, just stating an observation.

He reaches out to sweep back Renjun’s hair, then cups his cheeks with both hands.

Renjun keens into the warm touch, eyes naturally fluttering shut. “I’m okay now.”

“Hm, okay.” Then Jeno is pulling Renjun into his chest, arms wound tight around his middle and head tucked into his neck.

It takes a couple of seconds for Renjun to get over his surprise, but when he does, he hugs Jeno back just as tight. Like magic, the weight on his chest finally lifts.

Jeno noses along the underside of his jaw, and the clutter in Renjun’s mind shifts back into place. He takes a deep breath, the smell of Jeno’s cologne filling his lungs, and everything is okay.

“I got you something.” Jeno pulls away and Renjun – _thank goodness_ – clips back a whine before it escapes him.

From his back pocket, Jeno reveals a small cloth bag and takes out of it the very kaleidoscope Renjun was admiring earlier at the antiques stall.

Renjun draws a breath, “Jeno, you –“

“I saw you looking at it before.” He smiles timidly, “I thought you’d like it.”

“Jeno,” Renjun says, mainly because he doesn’t know what else to say. The only coherent thought in his brain at the moment is Jeno, Jeno, and _Jeno._

“You shouldn’t have!” He ends up blurting, though contradicting, as he turns the brilliant blue kaleidoscope over in his hands in complete awe. He looks into the eyepiece, mouth falling open as the colourful patterns swirl and fall into each other.

Jeno appears pleased with himself and pockets his hands, smiling at him. It’s a different smile than the one Renjun usually witnesses. Still brilliant, but softer, and a little something else that he can’t quite pinpoint. However, like any Jeno smile, it makes him feel warm and fuzzy all over.

He kind of wants to kiss him.

“Jeno.”

The said boy responds to the call with a tilt of his brow.

So Renjun leans up and closes the distance between them, arms encircling Jeno’s neck –

He sweetly pecks the apple of Jeno’s cheek before settling back down on his feet.

Jeno blinks at him, confounded, a light flush spreading across his cheeks which makes Renjun, instantly, fire up as well.

“Oh my God,” he drags his palms over his face and wracks his brain, “sorry, I don’t know why I did that. I do it to Chae and Yangyang casually so I just –“

“It’s fine.” Jeno splutters out. He clears his throat before repeating, “It’s fine. I just – I…”

The stall to Renjun’s right flicks off the lights and that’s when he realises that they’re the only ones left in the area.

“Shit, we gotta go!” He grabs Jeno’s hand and they briskly run towards the gate. The festival wasn’t all too empty, but Chaewon’s mum would be here soon and Renjun didn’t want to keep her waiting.

As they near the exit, he whizzes past the jewellery stall which still has a small crowd around it. He stops and walks back, pulling Jeno along with him.

“I just have to get something.”

Renjun scans the rows of earrings, hoping that they’ll still be there when he sees them – the pair of flower studs Chaewon initially wanted. He quickly grabs them before anyone else can and pays the man, satisfied and at peace with himself now that he can – sort of – make up for his ill feelings, even if Chaewon doesn’t know about them.

When he turns back to Jeno, he freezes again. “Shit, Jeno, I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

Jeno chuckles airily, shaking his head. His cheeks are still slightly flushed, but then again. Jeno did say he runs hot. “Don’t worry about it, you’ve… just, don’t worry.”

Renjun cocks his head and watches him curiously, but doesn’t press on. Lighter now, he skips out to the exit where Chaewon and Yangyang await, turning back every few seconds to wait for Jeno to catch up.

-

Mrs Song dies on a quaint Thursday afternoon.

It’s after school, and practice is just about wrapping up when Jeno sees Renjun standing at the mouth of the field. His head is bowed and even considering the distance, he looks smaller than ever before.

Something strikes in his chest and Jeno’s feet break into a run, his heart thumping loudly as fear and worry seep into his bloodstream.

“Ren – RENJUN!” He runs up and grabs Renjun by arms, panting, “Ren? What’s wrong?”

Renjun lifts his head, revealing glassy eyes and pale cheeks. He draws a shaky breath and two drops of tears fall to the grass.

“I… I didn’t know who else to go to…”

Panic consumes Jeno, and with an arm secure around Renjun, he guides him back to the locker room for privacy.

After sitting Renjun down on the bench, Jeno changes quickly. Renjun keeps his eyes trained on his feet, every sniffle causing a piece of Jeno’s heart to break away.

“Mrs Song just passed.” He says all of a sudden. Then, sniffles.

Jeno stops in his tracks and whips his head around. “What?”

“I…” A shuddering breath. “I got the message during class and didn’t get to check until… and Chae already went to work and I – I don’t know I just –“

Renjun’s breathing starts to get disjointed, his hands shake in his lap. Tears pool at the edge of his eyes, but he tips his head back and blinks them away.

Seeing him so destroyed, knowing how much Mrs Song meant to him, Jeno can’t find any words of consolation. Anything he says now will be pointless, because nothing will bring back Mrs Song and nothing else will make Renjun feel better.

So he clasps Renjun’s cold, shivering hands in his and kisses them.

“Ren, I’m so sorry. I wish – I wish I could say something else right now, anything to make you feel better but – I’m so, so sorry.”

Renjun shakes his head. “Do you – can you come with me? To the –“

“Of course,” Jeno agrees in a heartbeat, “of course.”

They take a bus to the home. Jeno’s better judgement observes the way Renjun drags his feet, teetering to one side when he falls into a daze, and deems the bus safer and quicker.

The ride is short, but with the silence that befalls them, the crushing realisation of what they’ll be met with once they reach the home, makes the few minutes feel like hours.

Renjun takes the window seat and leans his head against Jeno’s shoulder, eyes cast out the window, travelling far, far away into the difference. He sniffles, every once in awhile, but doesn’t cry. He swallows back the tears and Jeno feels his entire body tense when he does, and it breaks him even more.

Not unsurprisingly, the mood at the home is alien in comparison to when Jeno first visited. Renjun body follows protocol like it is second nature, signing in without a word, pinning on his volunteer tag and sanitizing his hands before he enters through the glass doors.

There are only a handful of people at the main lounge, a few residents Jeno doesn’t recognize but who seem to know Renjun. They send him a pitiful look that Renjun misses as his feet carry him straight to the wards.

Just as they reach Mrs Song’s room, a nurse emerges from inside and upon seeing Renjun, she stills.

“Renjun, I’m sorry. You just – they just took her. Her family didn’t want to wait.”

“Yeah,” His voice is hoarse as he speaks, “I thought – can I just… go in for a bit?”

She opens the door wider and lets them in, leaving to give them some privacy. Jeno watches Renjun approach the bed with small steps, then kneel down over the edge. His hands clasp together, head tips forward. He breathes out, quivering, and mumbles under his breath.

Jeno steps closer and rests a hand between Renjun’s shoulder blades, kneeling down beside him.

“I’m sorry,” he hears Renjun whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Jeno rubs his back, feeling his own throat constrict as Renjun sniffs quietly against the duvet.

They sit there just like that until the sun goes down.

In spite of the season, the sky is clear and a devastatingly beautiful caramel. Clouds whisk into ribbons of cotton melting into the golden backdrop. The air is cold, but not chillingly so, rather the slight bite of the wind is nice upon their reddened cheeks.

Renjun takes the first step towards the bus stop. Sensing Jeno hasn’t moved, he looks back.

“You coming?”

Jeno watches him peculiarly, for a moment, trying to see through the mask Renjun put on as soon as he lifted his head off the bed and said it was time to go. He knows that beneath that façade is a lost and broken young boy – but Renjun’s always been good at being brave, or acting the part, at least.

It’s the one part of him that Jeno would critique. The whole brave front he puts on for others, always selfless and self-sacrificing, spoiling everyone around him, is undeniably unhealthy, if not for others but definitely for himself.

And it pains Jeno the most because, in his eyes, _Renjun_ is the one deserving of the world and nothing less.

And he knows that right now, Renjun would rather cry and grieve all alone, would rather run away and shut himself in, but for the sake of not causing Jeno discomfort, he doesn’t.

As if Renjun could ever cause Jeno discomfort anyway.

So Jeno takes initiative. He steps to Renjun’s side and takes his hand, holding it up between them. Under the waning light, Renjun is breathtaking.

The heavens really do have favourites.

“Mr Huang, how are you feeling this evening?” Jeno hears himself ask. It’s a rhetorical and silly question, but it’s all he has.

Renjun responds with the tiniest of smiles, and whispers, “I’m okay.”

Lies, but Jeno doesn’t probe further.

On the ride back, they pass by a strip of shops and Jeno asks Renjun if he’s hungry, to which Renjun responds with an expected _‘I’m okay.’_

They get off at the bus stop closest to Renjun’s home. Renjun’s parents are working until late, so Jeno offers his company until they return.

Truth be told, he simply doesn’t want Renjun to feel lonely on top of his grief. Jeno can’t do or say much at the moment, but the least he can do is offer a shoulder to lean on.

Jeno walks straight down the hall to the kitchen to get Renjun a glass of water. The latter shuffles behind him silently, stopping at the doorway and watching Jeno move around his kitchen.

“You sure you’re not hungry? How about a snack?” When he gets no response, Jeno looks back, “Ren?”

Renjun is leaning against the doorframe, his head tipped down. He draws a sharp, strained breath and suddenly, a quiet sob escapes him.

As soon Jeno hears the sob break free, his body instinctively rushes over to hug him just in time for Renjun to crumble completely, the weight of his loss finally collapsing onto him.

Jeno holds him up in his arms as Renjun cries into his chest, sobs breaking into outright wails as fat, hot tears roll down his cheeks and stain Jeno’s shirt. His body shakes in Jeno’s hold, and Jeno has never been more scared, more shattered at anything more than the sight of Renjun breaking like this.

Renjun’s legs give way so Jeno tightens his hold around his waist and lifts him up just enough to carry themselves across to the family room.

He falls back onto the couch, Renjun still latching onto him like a lifeline. He turns his cheek to examine Renjun’s profile, tears streaking his cheeks, eyes closed and horribly swollen.

An intense emotion crashes against the walls of Jeno’s heart, violent and raging. He’d give anything, anything in the world, to have Renjun smiling again. To rid him of this pain.

Renjun shivers and coughs against his neck, pulling back and allowing just enough freedom for Jeno to move up against the couch and sit properly before bringing Renjun back in again. He cradles him in his arms as Renjun begins to cry again, cheeks wet against Jeno’s neck.

Jeno smooths the hair out of his eyes and presses his lips against the orbit.

“I’m sorry, Ren,” he whispers, lips grazing the shell of his ear, “I’m so sorry. I wish – if I could do anything to make it better, I would.”

Renjun breaks into another fit of sobs, incoherent garbles spilling from his lips. He cries harder and harder until they eventually become disjointed by hiccups and heavy breaths. Jeno places a firm hand on his and kisses above his brow again, murmuring apology after apology, everything he has to give.

It’s not until much later do Renjun’s sobs finally die down into sniffles and trembling breaths. His cheeks and eyes are swollen, and his body goes limp from exhaustion. Jeno lays him down on the couch, tucking him in with the woven blanket draped over the arm, and heads to the kitchen to get him some water.

His heart sits heavy in his chest as he mindlessly watches the glass fill to the brim then spill over onto his hands. He closes the tap and pours out some of the water, lugging his body back to the family room.

“Ren,” he wakes him gently, moving his hair out of his eyes. He holds the glass to Renjun’s lips and helps him drink.

Renjun takes three sips then pushes the glass away.

Jeno’s about to scoop him back into his arms when the doorbell rings and incessant knocking forces him to hurry to the door.

It’s Chaewon, still in her uniform and panting heavily, hair a mess with loose strands slipping out of her ponytail and falling around her face.

“Where is he?” She huffs out, kicking off her shoes, eyes searching frantically.

He doesn’t even finish saying _family room_ before she takes off down the hall.

“Ren!” She cries and crashes into his open arms. “I got your message and I couldn’t even call you or – I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Renjun hushes her gently, patting her head and quietly whispering into her ear, a sad smile on his lips.

A few minutes later, Chaewon pulls away and wipes at his cheeks, which makes Renjun wipe at hers and they share a light laugh. Her lips quiver again, as Renjun tries his best to smile, but she bites back any oncoming tears and stands up.

None of them speak after that. Rather, they silently manoeuvre around the room, putting on a cartoon DVD about a white hippo and tucking Renjun into the couch. Once he’s settled in, Chaewon leads Jeno to the kitchen so they can make him something to eat.

Still being fairly unaccustomed to the house, Jeno can only watch as Chaewon makes quick work, finding some leftover garlic bread and pasta which she heats up and places onto a tray. Then, she heats up some milk and mixes in some vanilla flavoured powder.

Jeno chuckles under his breath, the stuffiness in his chest lifting.

Chaewon catches him from the corner of her eye and smiles along. “He’s just a baby right now,” she says, reading Jeno’s mind.

With a sigh, Jeno agrees, “he really is.”

The kitchen is dimly lit by the lights above the counter as neither one, in their hurry and distraction of getting Renjun fed, bothered with the lights. Chaewon’s hair is undone now, falling gracefully over her shoulders. She tucks it behind her ear with one hand and lightly taps the spoon against the rim with the other. The clink of the silver against glass resounds throughout the room, blending in with the ticking of the clock and low hum of the TV playing two doors down.

“Can you help bring the milk, please?” Chaewon asks softly, balancing the tray of food against herself.

Jeno startles to attention, the realisation that he was openly and shamelessly staring at her stunning him.

“Sure.” He blurts out, a bit too suddenly, but Chaewon doesn’t seem to notice.

He follows her back to the family room to find Renjun curled up against the couch, eyes blankly staring at the TV. The bright colours gleam in his unblinking, glassy eyes.

“Ren,” Chaewon calls gently, taking a seat beside him and setting the tray down on her lap. “You need to eat something.”

Renjun spares an empty glance at the food, then shakes his head. “Not hungry.”

“Please?”

With a simple, sweet plea, Renjun caves in and accepts the pasta. He holds the bowl close to his chest and listlessly feeds himself, chewing ever so slowly.

Jeno and Chaewon share a look, the latter sighing silently but visibly relaxed now that Renjun was eating even a little – a feeling that resonates with Jeno too.

That’s when Jeno finds himself staring again.

At the moment, Chaewon sits opposite him, pressed close beside Renjun, concern and affection crossing her face as she watches him, sweeps back his hair.

She looks pretty right now, Jeno suddenly thinks, then corrects himself because Chaewon has always been pretty. Her features are soft, with supple cheeks and round eyes, yet her strong personality is what makes her striking.

Maybe because Jeno is always so focused on Renjun, but he hasn’t noticed until now just how attractive Chaewon is. Being so close to Renjun, she’s not very much unlike him, but also has her own delicate and innocent charm.

He thinks if things were different, if he didn’t feel this inexplicable pull and utter captivation towards Renjun, then maybe –

Maybe.

Jeno feels a weight rest against his shoulder. He looks down to see that Renjun has dozed off, his weary body finally succumbing to sleep.

Chaewon notices too, and with a warm, motherly smile, she takes the empty glass from Renjun’s hand and clears up the food. Meanwhile, Jeno slips his arms under Renjun’s legs and back and lifts him up.

He carefully carries Renjun to his bedroom, passing the kitchen as Chaewon cleans the dishes and stores away the leftovers.

After laying Renjun down, Jeno pulls the quilt over him, tucking him in. He briefly checks the door, and with his chest swelling with affection, leans down and presses a kiss to Renjun’s crown.

Back out in the living room, Chaewon fixes the cushions on the couch and switches off the TV.

“Is he sleeping?”

“Yeah, he is.” Jeno’s mouth hangs open a fraction, ready to speak again, but Chaewon reads him faster.

“I’ll come tomorrow morning to make sure he’s okay.” She says with a reassuringly smile.

Jeno thanks her, but the unspoken request was needless to begin with, because Chaewon would’ve checked in on Renjun anyway, with or without Jeno’s bidding.

He’s suddenly reminded of his place.

“Mrs Song was… very important to both of us.” Chaewon’s eyes are cast off at the corner of the table, hazy and distant. “But Renjun – he loved her so much.”

There’s a trace of remorse in her voice as it thins into nothing but a breath. With it, Jeno is reminded that Chaewon used to frequent the home too. She undoubtedly made a connection with Mrs Song as well, even if it didn’t run as deep as Renjun’s.

Chaewon must be just as hurt by the loss, and regretful on top of it all, for not being able to be see her for so long. And now she never will.

“I’m sorry.” Chaewon sniffs, but Jeno can tell that the apology isn’t directed at him.

He approaches her slowly, reaching out to pull her close and give her a hug.

“I can’t pretend I understand what you two are going through,” he says lowly against her hair as she leans into his chest, “but I can say that she was very lucky to have known the both of you, and that I know you did your best.” He pushes her back and cups her face, wiping away the tears with a stroke of his thumb. “So, don’t feel sorry. Don’t… hurt yourself. I –“

Jeno’s mind blanks on what to say next. He’s not the type to console with words because he never knows what’s appropriate to say. The fact that he managed to say so much is honestly a feat in itself.

But fortunately, Chaewon seems to get the message.

“Thank you, Jeno.”

They wait until Renjun’s parents arrive, surprised to see them here so late and with Renjun asleep upstairs. Jeno lets Chaewon brief them in, and with dawning understanding, Mrs Huang smiles at them solemnly.

“It must be hard on you too, dear,” she says, hugging Chaewon tight, “thank you for being here for him.” She looks at Jeno warmly.

In the end, Mr Huang drops them home.

Jeno returns to a sleeping house and slips in without making a sound. His stomach rumbles, but with no energy left, he downs two glasses of water and retreats to his room.

-

Time flies by at the speed of light and exams roll around much faster than anyone would’ve liked.

For the seniors in particular, these would be their final exams deciding college admissions, and with this knowledge looming over them, the majority felt the pressure and anxiety boiling over. This unease seeped into every crevice of the school, unescapable by anyone.

And then there is Renjun.

Now, it’s not that he is overconfident either. Rather, he sits somewhere on the fence, not too panicked and yet not too self-assured. In honest Renjun fashion, he believes in doing his best, and whatever outcome will result from that simply will be.

He extends this philosophy to Jeno as they sit on the stairs outside their Literature examination hall.

“Are you nervous?” Renjun throws back at Jeno. His knees are drawn to his chest, his pencil case held in between.

Jeno twirls a single pen around on his thumb, looking rather nonchalant as he sprawls out across the steps.

“A little, but I think I’m like you – just going to do my best.”

As the hour draws near, students start to pile in, nervous hands clenching and unclenching, muttering prayers under their breaths.

They take that as their cue to stand up and move to a corner, out of the way.

Renjun fits himself into the small space, Jeno standing before him like a shield or door of sorts.

As the mood grows tense with the influx of people, Renjun is glad Jeno is there as a protective barrier. He pulls Renjun’s focus to him, and not on the antsy murmurs and jittery bodies around him that otherwise would’ve surely affected his temperament, even if only a little bit.

This position allows him to observe Jeno’s face, which he has to admit is truly soothing to the eyes, but it also allows him to watch Jeno’s eyebrows knit when he’s accidentally bumped into, watch the way his tongue darts out to moisten his bottom lips. The pretty shade of pink it turns into when Jeno bites down.

Scratch that – Jeno’s face was not only soothing to the eyes, but calming to the mind as well.

His own acknowledge of this makes him laugh. Why the _hell_ was he thinking about Jeno’s face like this, and now of all times?

Ever since the night of the festival, since he kissed his cheek and managed to examine his profile so personally, Renjun’s gained a new appreciation for how _good looking_ Jeno is. But for it to affect him like this –

Jeno hears him chuckle and lifts his eyes.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Renjun chirps with a shake of his head and a smile on his lips. He reaches out to rake his fingers through Jeno’s hair, pushing them back from his eyes.

“Did you memorise your quotes?”

“Yes.”

“Did you go over the essays I marked for you?”

“Yes.”

“Even the ones we wrote together?”

“Yes, Mr Huang, I did.”

Renjun pats his cheek. “Good boy.”

The exam supervisor emerges from the hall and orders everyone to line up according to their names.

Jeno grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze, mouthing a final word of _good luck_ before heading down the line forming behind him.

Right before Renjun steps into the hall, he takes a deep breath, grips his pens tighter, then marches in.

“It honestly wasn’t that bad,” Renjun tells Jeno afterwards when they’re sprawled out on the grass, under the shade of the _camphor tree_ , which he had to research to find the name of. Calling it _big tree_ as Jeno did just sounded disrespectful, so Renjun took the liberty to find out its name. He also figured, this late into the year, he should at least know the name of the tree he grew so fond of.

Spring has yet to arrive, but the weather gradually grows warmer and warmer each day. By the time it will arrive, however, neither Renjun nor Jeno will be around to relax under the shade any more.

This might be one of the last times Renjun will get to lay here, tangled with the overgrown roots, carefree under the shelter of a friend.

Needless to say, he will miss this. Soon after exams will come graduation, college admission forms, then they’ll be gone from here in the blink of an eye, and Renjun will miss this.

Standing on the edge of today, unsure of what’s to come tomorrow and already longing for yesterday, Renjun finds himself conflicted.

For someone so used to whole-heartedly believing in fate, that what is to happen simply will whether he likes it or not, it’s rather ironic that now all he wants to do is freeze time and stay in this moment forever.

He turns his head to face Jeno, tranquil as he rests his cheek on his arms, eyes closed.

“Of course you’d say that,” comes Jeno’s delayed response. His eyes remain closed, but a smile curves on his lips.

Renjun shimmies down until they’re laying at eye level. Jeno senses him getting close and opens his eyes.

“What’re you doing?”

Renjun’s eyes flicker down, then up. He doesn’t answer, frankly because he doesn’t have one that isn’t something embarrassing like ‘ _I wanted to see you better’_ or _“I feel sad please cuddle_ me’, but he also finds that he doesn’t need to.

Somehow, Jeno sees through his skin and moves to smother Renjun’s body with his own in a hug. He buries his face into Renjun’s neck, and Renjun wraps his arms around Jeno’s back, simply holding him.

Hot breath fans his neck, the warmth running straight down to his toes and making them curl at the sensation.

Jeno shifts his body so that he fits between Renjun’s legs. He noses along his neck, then the underside of his jaw. Then the shell of his ears, his cheek, lips hovering dangerously close above his.

Renjun stiffens, and Jeno quickly moves his mouth to press a kiss between his brows.

“Jeno,” Renjun pushes him back just enough to take a look at his face, “what’re you doing?”

Jeno’s eyes flash, a split second reaction, then curves into his distinguishing crescents. He holds himself up above Renjun by the forearms, and at such proximity, Renjun can’t help but marvel at the contours of his cheeks, his scrunched nose, and the wrinkles beside his eyes that he makes look good.

_What doesn’t Jeno make look good?_

The apples of his cheeks are cute and round as he smiles down at Renjun with half-hearted innocence, and Renjun is reminded of when he kissed him right there.

He wants to do it again.

Instead, he slaps a hand to Jeno’s chest and pushes him, “Up, up, get off.”

The ever-obedient Jeno complies with ease – except, he’s pulling Renjun along with him, rolling them over so that now he’s the one on his back and Renjun is between his legs.

Renjun props himself up on Jeno’s chest and glowers at him, unimpressed. “Jeno.”

“What’re you thinking about?” Jeno asks him, softly, voice laced with genuine concern.

“Nothing.” He pauses to think, “college. The future.”

“Oh? And what about it?”

Caving in to the warmth Jeno’s body provides, Renjun rests his cheeks against the centre of his chest. Every breath Jeno draws, every heartbeat, he feels it in his bones.

“How everything will change.”

“What’re you talking about?” He presses his hand down on the small of Renjun’s back, steadying him. “Things won’t change a lot. Chaewon will still be there, I’ll still be there. Heck, if we’re lucky, we’ll be living closer than now.” When Renjun doesn’t answer him, Jeno cranes his down to look at him. “Unless, are you not… are you putting somewhere else as your first choice?”

Renjun notices the unease in his voice and quickly dismisses it. “No – no! I’m not… I would’ve told you guys.”

“I mean, you could, you know. You could apply to an art school, they’d have better Literature programs and opportunities for you to further your degree.”

“I know.” It’s not like the thought has never crossed Renjun’s mind. His mother has spoken to him about this very matter many times before. “But I don’t… I don’t want to go that far away from… everything here. I couldn’t bear it…”

It’s the change he fears, most of all. To be suddenly displaced from everything he knows and holds dear would rattle him to the core and frankly, Renjun’s not sure if he’d ever recover from that.

Renjun likes challenges, but he also values comfort and ease. He understands his limits, and sudden drastic change crosses that line completely.

That’s why it might appear as if Renjun is simply following the crowd in choosing the college most popular in the region, but his main reason is that it’s close to home and he can visit whenever he wants to.

Not to mention, all his friends will be going there too. It’s much easier to take on the stress of college and adulthood without having to worry about making new friends in order to stay sane.

And so maybe Renjun will have to go out of his way to find internships instead of having opportunities provided for him by the school, maybe they won’t be as great without the connections to major publishing companies like _Owl_ and _Blue Light_ as the other, art colleges have, but that’s alright.

He has to have a balance between everything, after all.

“That’s fine then.” Jeno’s voice is deep and reverberates in his chest. “Do whatever feels good to you. But then, what change are you worried about?”

“That we won’t have time to be like this.” Renjun’s words slur against the pressure of his cheek to Jeno’s chest. His voice is low, “that our schedules won’t always align and we’ll get busier and busier. That we won’t have our tree.”

A light chuckle rumbles deep within Jeno’s ribs. He wraps his arms around Renjun’s middle and raises his knees so that Renjun is pushed up, face to face. “Then let’s make a promise now, no matter how busy we get, we’ll always try to make time for each other. Does that sound okay?”

“It sounds okay right now, but who knows what’ll happen then!”

“ _Renjun,_ come on. You’re never this pessimistic! We don’t know but, we can try?”

He sticks out his pinky-finger between their faces, and after a beat, Renjun hooks his own around it. Satisfied, Jeno brings him back into his embrace, letting Renjun’s head fall against the crook of his neck.

“And what’re you gonna do when you get in?”

Jeno ponders for a moment, then breezily answers, “I’m gonna do a core course for the first year along with playing for the team, then hopefully I’ll get scouted by the end of the year, or at least figure out if I wanna pursue something else.”

“Sounds like a solid plan.” _Very Jeno_ , he thinks with a smile.

The afternoon sun subsides and the air gets cooler as the evening creeps in.

Renjun should be heading home by now since he has three more exams to study for, but Jeno’s embrace is warm and secure. He feels protected, from what exactly he doesn’t know, but the feeling itself is nice.

Jeno doesn’t make a move, and so neither does Renjun. He lays there on Jeno’s chest, the evening draft cool on his back. Jeno’s heart beats against his own. Renjun tucks his nose into his collar and breathes.

-

“I’m proud of you,” Donghyuck says to Jaemin, a heavy hand on his shoulder and faux sentiment glazing his eyes. He raises his other hand to Jeno’s shoulder and repeats, “I’m proud of you too.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes so hard Jeno fears they’d get stuck. “Oh shut the fuck up, Hyuck –“

“Honestly, did not think you two would make it to this day,” Donghyuck continues his speech, wiping a non-existent tear from his eyes, “but somehow, by the graces of all the Gods –“

Jeno shrugs off his hand and walks away, Jaemin quick to follow him.

“Hey! Where are you going?!” Donghyuck runs behind them in pursuit. “I was just trying to lighten the mood, dammit!”

It’s graduation day. True to Donghyuck’s words, but maybe not in that exact light, Jeno has no idea how the hell he – _they_ – made it to this day. This fast too.

Although he hasn’t really been anticipating graduation, now that the day has arrived, a whir of excitement zips through him.

Jeno’s parents took the entire day off as well, deciding to have dinner together after the ceremony, as a family.

Maybe that’s got something to do with his enthusiasm.

The hall is crowded with students and their families, lively with chatter and conversation. Cameras the size of bazookas are being whipped out of thin air as his peers pose with their friends and family, capturing the joyous moment.

Jeno frowns, trying to steer out of shot every time he passes by the background of a photo shoot.

Unfortunately for him, Yeeun exists.

“Oi, Lee Jeno!” She points at him from a distance. “I see you hiding!”

Jeno pushes Jaemin in front of him and groans, “I said not now!”

“Then when!”

She rounds the circle consisting of Jeno’s, Donghyuck’s, and Jaemin’s family and gives chase after him.

Jeno’s about to make a run for it when his foot catches on his robe, and in the process of steadying himself, he knocks into someone behind him.

Luckily, they catch him. Luckily (or unluckily, who knows), it’s Renjun.

Chaewon controls a laugh and walks up to his side, Yangyang following close behind.

Jeno, who is still in Renjun’s arms, tilts his head back and smiles sheepishly.

“Hi.”

Renjun pushes him to his feet, a light scoff accompanying his eye roll, “what’re you doing, Jeno Lee?”

“Escaping my sister.”

Renjun sidesteps to see Yeeun snapping pictures of Donghyuck and Jaemin with a foot-long camera. “I see.”

Jeno looks away with a shudder and turns back to Renjun. His blue robe fits fairly large on him, hands disappearing under the sleeves, and the hem brushes against the hardwood floor.

“They got the wrong size for me,” Renjun explains upon discerning Jeno’s gaze on him. He fixes his hat, moves the tassel out of his line of sight. “I’m only loaning it anyways, and it’s only for the night, so I didn’t bother changing.”

“Nonsense!” Chaewon snaps from beside him, crossing her arms, “they were too lazy to change it back. They said it wasn’t too bad and that he should just wear it. But look at him! He’s drowning! He’s gonna trip going up the stairs!”

Renjun places a hand on Chaewon’s shoulder, telling her to let it go and that he’ll be extra careful.

In Jeno’s opinion though, which suddenly seems self-interested because Chaewon’s _right_ and what if Renjun _does_ trip and fall, but he thinks Renjun looks adorable. The _baby_ kind of adorable. The _I want to bite your cheeks_ kind of adorable.

God, he wants to pick Renjun up, _dammit_.

Jaemin and Donghyuck approach behind him at either side. From one quick glance, Jaemin looks between Jeno and Renjun and Jeno staring at Renjun, then throws him a judging look.

Chaewon starts to explain the hazards of Renjun’s robe once more when Donghyuck inquires _what-the-fuck_ happened, and Renjun sighs from exasperation.

“Chae, don’t worry. I’ll just pick it up a little when I go up the stairs.” He demonstrates by lifting the sides of his robe so they reach around his ankles, aka, where they should be reaching in the first place.

By some possession, Jeno blurts out, “like a princess.”

The comment earns him a smack in the chest from Renjun.

“Maybe you should just carry him onto the stage,” Jaemin comments with a snicker, and Jeno has half a mind to smack Jaemin now. Smack that stupid, shitty, knowing grin off his face that tells him he _knows_ Jeno actually wants to, if it were not for the protocols of the ceremony and Renjun’s mortification.

Renjun reddens at the remark, from anger or embarrassment or both. He looks like he could smack Jaemin too and if he did, Jeno would give his full support.

Irritation at Jaemin is quickly forgotten when Yeeun materializes behind him, a firm hand on his shoulder holding him down.

“Oh good, everyone’s together!”

Thankfully, Yeeun’s photoshoot is cut short when the principal arrives and the ceremony starts.

All the visitors file into the rows of seats set out throughout the hall, while the seniors take their places behind the stage. They get called up one by one to receive their certificate, take a photo with the principal, then take a seat on the pyramid of chairs near the back of the stage.

In spite of everything, and also because Chaewon is glaring daggers at him, Renjun lifts his robe as he ascends to the stage, small feet waddling across and head bowed as some members of the audience outwardly giggle and coo.

Jeno does too, inwardly, but he can’t control the smile on his face as he watches Renjun take his seat, looking tinier than ever.

He spots Jaemin from the corner of his eye, directing a grin towards him that is equal parts teasing and affectionate.

Donghyuck leans back just in time to catch Jeno constrict his smile, and with a roll of his eyes, he whispers, “you make me _sick!_ ”

“ _Lee Chaewon._ ” The name bellows over the speakers as Chaewon briskly climbs up the stairs, her heels clacking against the floorboards.

“ _Lee Donghyuck._ ” The boy jumps at his name and exits out to the stage with a broad smile.

Then, “ _Lee Jeno.”_

He fixes his tassel and steps out into the light.

The ceremony ends anticlimactically. Jeno is exhausted by the end, even though all the seniors were doing was sitting, so he steps outside the hall to get some fresh air.

His family and friends remain inside to take some photos with the teachers – Yeeun as the designated photographer. Jeno served his dues by taking two photos with his parents, his friends, then one with Chaewon and Renjun before he decided he was done.

He stretches his arms and back, groaning as his joints pop.

“Oh dear, Mr Lee, we _just_ graduated from high school! You can’t be creaking already!”

Jeno turns around at the voice, an instant smile on his lips as Renjun makes his way over to his side.

Renjun lifts his hand, about to pat Jeno’s hair when he ducks, giggling as Renjun whines. Instead of letting Renjun try again, he pulls Renjun in by the arms and brings his arms around his waist.

Jeno breathes out, chin hooked on Renjun’s shoulder. He lets go, observing Renjun as he smooths his hair down the sides of his head. The sunlight curves against his features, a light dusting of gold showering over him.

“Stop staring at me!” Renjun snaps, but with more shyness than rebuke. Jeno can’t look away, even if he tries.

No longer in his oversized robe, Renjun’s wearing a fitted dress-shirt that accentuates his slim figure. A light blue sweater hangs off his shoulders.

The urge to pick him up is back.

And if Jeno knows anything about romance – which is not a lot, to be honest – now is the perfect time to kiss him.

Oh how badly he wants to kiss him.

Renjun lifts his gaze, lips curling at the corners. He takes Jeno’s hands in his.

“How are you feeling, Mr Lee?”

“Good,” Jeno answers sincerely. It’s been a good day; the sun is warm on his skin, and tonight he will go out with his family and they’ll have dinner together. Tomorrow, he’ll sleep in and then watch TV all day. Maybe he’ll hang out with Jaemin and Donghyuck, maybe even Renjun, Yangyang, and Chaewon. The holidays are long and the days ahead are unclear, but in many ways, the future is exciting.

“And what about you, Mr Huang?”

Renjun ponders for a moment, then with a dazzling smile, he says, “great. I feel great.”

They find a lone bench near the side of the building and sit down to watch the sky turn pink. People are gradually leaving the venue now, and surely they will have to part soon too.

Renjun sighs heavily, eyes glazing over as he watches their peers wave goodbye to one another, promises of meeting again soon hanging between them.

Jeno gingerly places his hand over Renjun’s, sitting on his thigh, and also makes the start of a promise.

“We’re gonna see each other soon.”

“Not like this,” Renjun whispers, shaking his head. “It won’t be the same.”

“Ren, I promise, everything’s gonna work out and we’ll all be together again, even closer hopefully.” With a light snort, he adds, “you won’t be able to get rid of me – or us – that soon.”

At that, Renjun turns his head and rolls his eyes. He blinks, and the tiniest tear forms at the corner of his eye.

Jeno reaches out and thumbs it away. “We’ll hang out during the holidays, lord knows Donghyuck will go insane from being alone and will drag _all_ of us –“

“Oh, I meant to tell you!” Renjun sniffs, clears his voice, and shifts to face Jeno. “I’m going overseas!”

“…what?”

“I absolutely cannot believe you’re leaving me, for _two whole months!_ ” Chaewon whinges, trailing behind Renjun like a duckling as the latter rolls his carry-on to the hall for it to be packed into the taxi. “That’s like, sixty days!”

“You’ll be okay, Chae. I’ll call you!”

Jeno swerves past them, hauling Renjun’s luggage straight to the taxi and helping Mr Huang fit it all into the boot like a game of Tetris.

As a graduation gift, Renjun’s parents decided to take him back to China to visit his family. It’s been a long while since his last visit – six years, to be precise – as Mrs Huang’s job as a professor is taxing and often needs her to work during the holidays for those who take summer classes.

But since Renjun will be leaving home after the holidays, she decided it was now or never.

“I can’t believe I’ll have to spend the summer with _Yangyang_ – what the fuck?!”

Renjun laughs, switching off the power points in his room and checking the window locks.

“You’ll be fine, Chae.” He eyes Jeno at the door, “you’ll have Jeno too!”

Chaewon stops whining, expression suddenly serious. “ _Ren._ ”

“Okay okay, I get it.”

Mrs Huang does a final check of the house before she joins the family outside, locking the door on the way out.

“Thanks for all your help, dear.” She says to Jeno, then pulls Chaewon in for a side hug. “You’ll get your Renjun back soon.” She kisses her temple.

Renjun is the last one to board the taxi. He turns to Jeno and instinctively, Jeno pulls him into a hug. He hasn’t said anything yet, because he knows Renjun will be back soon, but the mere thought of him leaving crushes him.

“I’ll see you soon.” Renjun whispers against his shoulder, “I’ll call you.”

Next, he hugs Chaewon, squeezing her tight. She reciprocates in the same way, exerting all her strength to keep Renjun in her arms.

When Renjun eventually pulls away, their hands linger, and she says, “I hope you have fun. Take pictures and stay safe! Eats lots but also watch what you eat and don’t get sick –“

“Yes, _Chae_ , don’t worry.”

She relents with a soft smile. “Good.”

Just before he boards the car, Renjun looks back and calls out to Jeno, “take care of her for me! Take her out to get ice cream! If she eats a lot, let me know and I’ll pay you back.”

“Oh my God,” Chaewon covers her reddening face with her hands, “I TAKE EVERYTHING BACK! QUICKLY GO!”

With a chortle, Renjun dips inside and the car soon takes off down the street.

Jeno watches the cab fade into a black dot in the distance, then it turns a corner, disappearing from his sight.

Beside him, Chaewon deflates with a sigh, arms dangling limply at her side. She turns to Jeno and straightens, clearing her throat.

“Do you wanna go get ice cream after all?” Then as an afterthought, she adds, “I’ll pay for myself! Renjun lied about me eating a lot, but still!”

Chuckling, Jeno takes a step back so that they’re standing side by side. Right now, they’re technically in the same boat, lost and mopey without Renjun, so ice cream definitely sounds like a good idea.

He nods, smiling as her eyes light up, cheeks turn to pink. She loops an arm through his and leads him away down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO hope ya'll aren't too frustrated! The next chapter will be... :)


	3. College - part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a... monster.  
> There will be a lot of things in this chapter - things that have changed and things that have stayed the same! A lot of pushing and pulling, back and forth between the characters. With the theme of college and adulthood /I guess/ comes learning to be independent but also realizing that growing up =/= growing apart, at least, not all the time!!  
> But most importantly, feelings get realized!!! FINALLY!!!  
> I know it's been a tough journey but just, bear with me a little longer. Thank you so much for your patience!
> 
> Oh yes, and please read into the um, characters? No one is exactly /right/ here but they do have their reasons for their actions!  
> Also, I wanna formally apologize to Jeno. I'm sorry, I love you.
> 
> Rough edit as usual. I will be back to check on this in the morning.

Over the course of the summer, Chaewon and Jeno get closer.

After their initial ice cream date – for lack of a better word – comes many more occasions in which the pair find themselves within the other’s company. Sometimes, it’ll be all of them hanging out as a group, and sometimes, it’ll be just the two of them.

Most of the time, Chaewon is the one initiating the dates in an effort to not only get closer to Jeno, but also because she misses the constant company Renjun provided.

Occasionally, Yangyang and Jeno practise over the summer, wherein Chaewon will usually go to watch or just sit and read in the shade. Afterwards, they’ll get ice cream and smoothies, Yangyang will go on chattering to them about something or the other, and Chaewon will have her attention on Jeno.

Any conversation they have is generally one-sided, with Jeno only saying a few words here and there, but he listens well and smiles so beautifully that she doesn’t really mind. Jeno’s just a little shy around everyone, and she is determined to break the ice between them, no matter how long it takes.

Jeno is sweet, and indulges her when she whines about being bored and lonely, always a dashing smile to accompany the gentle hand that leads her to the park, or the arcade, or the movies.

“Look at you go!” Renjun hurrahs over the phone when Chaewon spills to him all the details. “I’m proud of you!”

He can hear Chaewon grinning as she says, “me too! I didn’t think I could do it but – he’s just so nice, Ren, he’s so so nice!”

“Do you think he’s starting to like you?” Renjun asks, his throat suddenly starting to itch. He blames the dry air from the air conditioner, switching it off then reaching for the water bottle on the dresser.

“I… I don’t think so! But I think we’re starting to become friends now. He’s still quiet, but I think that’s just who he is!”

A small part of Renjun disagrees, but he swallows the water and doesn’t say more.

“I’m glad that you’re happy, Chae. I really hope this works out for you!”

Chaewon scoffs lightly, “don’t make it sound like I’m on a love-endeavour! I really _like_ Jeno… and it’d just be nice if –“ she splutters, “doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. Back to the topic at hand, have you packed your bags yet?”

Renjun looks to corner of the room where his suitcase lays open, a mountain of clothes sitting in the middle. “Almost.”

“Ren! Your flight is in the morning!”

“Okay, okay –“

“Now! Go go!”

“I’m packing right now!”

She chuckles, “good. Have a safe flight and call me when you get home, okay?”

Renjun smiles against the receiver, “okay.”

If Renjun thought that he’d be able to enjoy the rest of his holidays after coming home from China, he was horribly wrong.

Straight after, he is bombarded with college enrolment forms, dorm assignments, then eventually, packing his things to take with him to the dorms.

He meets with his friends every week to catch up and dread over college together, and Chaewon is over every other day to do nothing but offer her company. Which is a good thing, because Renjun always appreciates Chaewon’s presence, carefree and lively beside him, and doesn’t know how long he’ll get to bask in it once classes formally start.

Sadly, he doesn’t get to see Jeno as often as he’d like to after the latter gets accepted for the sports scholarship and spends the rest of the holidays training whenever he can. They see each other during group outings, and sometimes Chaewon will drag the two of them bowling or ice-skating, but other than that, their relationship comes to a standstill. No ebb, no flow.

By the looks of it, despite what Chaewon said, her and Jeno’s relationship hasn’t changed much either. Jeno still smiles at her warmly as he does to virtually everyone else, and still sticks to Renjun’s side like glue whenever he can.

The lack of change comforts him, but he doesn’t know if it’s supposed to.

Of course, amidst all the mayhem, Renjun can’t find the time to dwell on it for long and prays that once college starts, they’ll keep to their promise and Jeno will still be here. That they’ll all still be here.

Before long, it’s already the day he has to leave. His parents drop him off to the campus, an hour away from home, and see him off at the doors of the residential buildings. Mainly because Renjun doesn’t want a tearful goodbye, he prevents his mother from coming up after him, kissing her tear-filled eyes and whispering promises that he’ll come home soon.

Mrs Huang wipes her cheeks and threads prayers into her son’s hair, eyes never leaving him until he disappears behind the elevator doors.

It doesn’t hit him that he’s left home until he trudges into his dorm room.

Being as diligent as he is, Renjun submitted his dorm room application the minute the submission portal opened and was lucky enough to have received his first choice of a single room on the third floor of dorm building B.

The college has four dorm buildings on the eastern side, A and C for girls and B and D for boys, with another four on the west divided in the same manner. As building B is the closest to where most of his classes will be held, it was only the natural choice.

The same goes for Chaewon, who chose Building A across the street, nearby the School of Education where most of her teaching classes will take place.

In the case of Jeno, as far as Renjun knows, he also chose building B since most of his core classes will be held in the same building as Renjun’s, but the latter isn’t sure of _where_ his room is yet. The only other person he knows for sure reside in building B is Xiaojun, who helped him with his things on the way up before rushing out.

_“Love to stay and chat, Ren, but the college bookshop just ordered in some textbooks that I need and when I tell you the people here are vultures –“_

_“Okay, okay, go quickly then!”_

He’ll just have to ask Xiaojun to show him around later.

As for Yangyang and Donghyuck, the former is residing in building F with Lucas and Hendery, while the latter managed to snag a single room in building H, two floors up from Mark.

So, they’re all close by, and knowing his friends well enough, Renjun knows that they’ll all be mixing and matching rooms, staying over at the other’s, in no time.

The distance isn’t too great, and in the huge campus that makes him feel even smaller and lost, Renjun is more than thankful to still have his friends a short walk away.

His dorm room is fairly simple, with a king-single bed to the left of the room, a dresser to his right, and a desk at the foot of the bed. The bathroom is a little cramped, but nothing less than what he expected.

Though, what he loves most about the room is the large window stretching across the back wall, overlooking the gardens in front of the library. It’s in the perfect position for natural lighting, perfect for stargazing on lonely nights.

And that’s when we come to his sudden predicament.

The room feels lonelier than he expected. He doesn’t know if it’s because he _just_ said goodbye to his parents, or if he’s just a bit jarred by the plain white walls of his new room in comparison to the lovely blue of his walls at home, or maybe it’s both.

Whatever it is, Renjun can’t stay in the room any longer. The more he stares around the room, the more the plain walls seem to stretch and grow as if closing in on him, suffocating him. He drops the rest of his boxes on the dresser, makes sure to pocket his keys, and decides to go exploring by himself.

He thinks of calling Chaewon to see how she’s settling in and if she’d be down to get lunch when he sees Jaemin disappear behind a door to another room.

“Jaemin?” He calls lowly. Going unheard, he shuffles closer to the door to see –

“Jeno!”

“Ren?!”

In an instant, Renjun is jumping into his arms, hugging him tightly. “What’re you doing here?”

“I – this is our room.”

“Oh my God,” Renjun’s heart starts to soar. He looks between Jeno and Jaemin, his smile growing wider and wider, “no way! I’m just at the end of the hall! The single room on the left!”

Jeno’s eyes widen as he draws a sharp breath, “really?!”

Renjun can only nod vigorously, his heart about to burst, overjoyed. To have Jeno so close, always within reach, brings him a sort of comfort he never knew he needed.

The three of them roughly unpack the necessities before setting out to explore. Renjun ends up inviting Chaewon along, and after Jaemin sends a text to the group chat, Yangyang and Donghyuck come over as well.

They first go through their own building, locating the kitchen at the left of the ground floor elevators. Behind two large sliding glass doors is the joint kitchen and dining space, with red walls, pearl-white tiled floors and black marble countertops. In it, there are the essentials – two large fridges, two microwaves, an oven, and a toaster. Since the building is newly renovated, the room is spacious and modern, complimenting the outlook of the institution.

On the other side of the reception, behind another pair of glass doors, is the main lounge with the same red walls and dark chocolate floorboards. It’s decked with two sets of long, L-shaped couches at each corner of the room, a coffee table, some beanbags, and a TV hung on the wall.

“We have the same in our building,” Donghyuck says as they look around the room, “but in blue.”

“Same, but in yellow,” Chaewon adds.

“Yellow…” Renjun pouts, eyes flying over the harsh crimson paint.

“Please move in at any time,” Chaewon pleads at that, “my roommate is so mean! I greeted her so nicely and she just stared at me and walked away!”

Renjun pats her back sympathetically as they head outside, consoling Chaewon as she complains about her roommate and the woes of not being able to room with him.

They walk around the rest of the campus, locating cafes, canteens, and shops, as well as the main library (one of four) that’s closest to their dorm and their lecture buildings. It’s just before the start of the semester, and so many first-year students much like themselves are also doing their bit of exploration.

The sheer number of students, the immense size of each building, and the amount of stairs he discovers he’ll have to climb suddenly overwhelms him.

A lump grows in his throat. He glances at Chaewon, who wears an equally tense expression, and reaches for her hand.

She squeezes his hand, bumping their shoulders together.

In an effort to adjust to college culture, dinner consists of instant noodles and sausage sticks. Lucas, Hendery, Xiaojun, as well as Mark and Yerim, arrive with drinks and they all take up one end of the dining area, eating and conversing.

“It’s good to have everyone here together!” Lucas shouts with glee, clapping Renjun and Yangyang on the back.

Renjun, who is used to Lucas’ rough affection, doesn’t react in the slightest, but beside him, Jeno flinches and Renjun can only laugh in his face.

Yerim steals Chaewon away to talk together at the corner of the room, the latter expressing how grateful she is to have another girl around after being stuck babysitting the boys for a whole year. Lucas and Xiaojun whine loudly, while Hendery and Mark exchange sheepish glances that Renjun can tell means she isn’t wrong.

The mood is light, and the stars are shining brightly tonight. Renjun tips his head to the side a little to peer out the window, and when Jeno sees him do so, he chuckles.

“The moon?”

“She’s beautiful,” Renjun breathes out. Full and bright, high in the sky just like the view from his bedroom window at home. For a moment, everything feels alright.

Right now, everything is alright.

Until they’ve all retreated back to their own rooms and Renjun is alone in his, tossing and turning under the duvet.

The room feels awfully bare and the air is stale from being untouched, unlived in for weeks prior. No matter how much he tries, how comfortably he positions himself and how many herds of sheep he watches jump the imaginary behind his eyelids, Renjun just can’t fall asleep.

He checks the time on his phone. 1:34 am.

When he went to bed, it was around 11:00 pm.

Giving up with a huff, he shoots Chaewon a quick message.

_Are you up?_

After a few minutes of waiting, he concludes that Chaewon is asleep. Then, he tosses and turns for another round before grabbing his pillow, duvet, and mini-Renjun, setting out to his next best option.

He hesitantly knocks on Jeno’s door twice, hugging the duvet and pillow to his chest, doll dangling from his fingers. The light in the room streams out from under the doorway, illuminating Renjun’s bare feet in the dark hallway. He wriggles his toes, lips pressed together thinly.

The door opens suddenly to reveal Jaemin’s face, brows raised in surprise, “Renjun?”

From behind him, Jeno’s head sticks out, “Ren?”

Jaemin lets him in, stepping aside and extending a hand towards Jeno, who is sitting crouched over a PC at the back of the room. He hauls it onto the desk, then dusts off his hands.

“What’s wrong?”

Renjun stands there awkwardly, instantly cursing himself for coming here in the first place.

_Why is he even here? What did he want to ask? How could he even think –_

“Can’t sleep?” Jeno guesses correctly from one look at the comforter in his arms and the state of his dishevelled hair.

Renjun feels the blood rush to his cheeks. He dips his head, hiding behind the blanket, “it’s so lonely… do you… do you mind if I… just for tonight.”

For a beat too long, Jeno simply stares at him, mouth agape as if he can’t believe those words just came out of Renjun’s mouth – which honestly, is a valid reaction. Renjun can’t believe it himself.

For every second that passes in silence, with Jeno still gawking and Jaemin staring between both of them looking just as baffled, Renjun wishes the ground would swallow him whole.

“I’m sorry –“ He turns on his heel, “I don’t know what –“

“No!” Jeno cries, then realising the volume of his voice, clears his throat and says again, “no, stay. Of course, you can stay.”

He takes Renjun quilt and pillow out of his hands and sets it aside on the bed.

“Oh,” Renjun flounders on the spot, “I can just take the floor.”

Their room is much more spacious than his own, seeing as it fits two people, so there was enough space for Renjun to spread out and still have Jeno and Jaemin move around freely.

“You can’t sleep on the floor,” Jeno says with distaste, placing the pillows beside one another. “Why would you wanna sleep on the floor? There’s enough space here.”

There really wasn’t, but the fact that Jeno was so ready to share his bed with Renjun makes his heart swell with fondness.

Still, his moral high ground prevails, “no, Jeno, it’s fine. I’m the one intruding.”

“Or,” Jaemin raises a hand to interrupt, “I can move–“ his eyes focus past Renjun’s shoulder at Jeno, a contrite smile taking over, “ha ha ha. Ha. Haaaa.”

Renjun flips his head back to Jeno, tilting a brow, “huh?”

“Don’t mind him. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

He looks back to Jaemin, who merely grins at him, and Renjun, too tired to deal with any of this, gives up.

Since he’s much smaller, he takes the side against the wall so he can squish against it and give Jeno the space he needs. He presses his back against the wall, pulls the covers up to his cheeks, watching as Jeno and Jaemin quietly continue setting up the PC.

It’s not long before the darkness takes over and Renjun dozes off to sleep.

-

Jeno wakes up to a face full of Renjun.

For a second, he jerks back, thinking he must be dreaming, only for the bleariness in his eyes to disappear and reveal that Renjun is, indeed, sleeping soundly beside him.

His back is turned to the wall, hair slanting across his eyes and a hand pressed against his cheek. The other hand curls against the sheets in the space between their bodies and Renjun breathes deeply, chest rising and falling.

Jeno can’t help but stare in stillness, his own breaths becoming short and quick, afraid to make a move too big that will disturb Renjun’s slumber and thus, break this dream-like moment.

Renjun’s eyelashes kiss his cheeks, his lips are a little dry but still red, parted a slight as he snores ever so softly. His eyes flicker from side to side, and he’s dreaming.

Jeno’s eyes float down the rest of his body, to the loose collar caught on his shoulders that expose his smooth collarbones, to the way his legs curl into him. Like this, Renjun is smaller than ever.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” Jeno turns to Jaemin standing at the wardrobe, fixing his hair, “you make me _sick_!” He isn’t even looking at them.

“Please just let me have this,” Jeno whines quietly, carefully turning onto his back.

Jaemin turns to him, a judging look across his face. He looks between Renjun and Jeno, “you’re enjoying this too much.”

“Can you blame me?”

“Um,” Jaemin scoffs, “ _yes?_ If you just tell Renjun you like him –“

“Jaemin, you know I can’t. You know exactly why I can’t.”

Here they go again. Jaemin observes him for a moment, lips thinning into nothing but a line before he turns away with an annoyed huff.

They had this very discussion before, the previous year and even over the summer when Jeno kept hanging out with Chaewon. Jaemin and Donghyuck have urged him, time and time again, to be honest with Renjun about his real feelings, or at the very least, tell Chaewon he isn’t interested in her that way.

But, they don’t know Renjun like he does.

They don’t know, that if he were to tell Renjun he loved him, there would be no other outcome but a rejection because Renjun would never, not in a million years, steal the person his best friend likes.

It’s the same if he were to tell Chaewon the truth that his feelings for her don’t pass anything beyond friendship. Chaewon will rightfully be upset, and her upset will make Renjun upset – worst-case scenario, he’ll be mad at Jeno, and everything will go to shit.

Renjun will never speak to him again until Chaewon decides to forgive him – if she does – and that’s a risk Jeno just isn’t willing to take. He couldn’t bear it. Renjun not speaking to him, Renjun being mad at him, Renjun hating him for hurting his best friend – Jeno would lose his mind.

The mere thought makes him shiver, the blood draining from his face. He turns back to Renjun’s peaceful sleeping profile and breathes. Everything is okay, just like this.

All of a sudden, Renjun’s eyes blink open. He regards Jeno for a long while, then hastily sits up.

“Oh my God, did I oversleep?! I’m so sorry –“

Jeno holds his hand down to calm him, “Hey, it’s only 8. I don’t have classes until 10 and you…?”

“Same,” Renjun pulls his hand away to his chest, “10.”

“Great, so you can sleep a little longer, if you want?”

Renjun, cheeks and ears red, watches Jaemin warily at the corner of the room. After a light chuckle, Jaemin grabs his bag from the chair and slings it over his shoulder.

“I’m off, wish me luck!”

Jeno mutters a quick word of goodbye before turning his attention back to Renjun. The latter is staring at the rumpled sheets, the small distance between them, his cheeks burning and eyes wide as the events of last night, the weight of his request to sleep with Jeno, finally weighs down on him.

So Jeno climbs off, stretching and telling Renjun that he needs to use the bathroom, but really giving Renjun the space to gather his bearings.

By the time Jeno finishes comes back out, Renjun is gone. The bed is neatly made and a small note sticks to the bed frame.

_Sorry for the intrusion, and thank you. =)_

At the side of the bed that’s against the wall, trapped in the small gap, a tuft of brown fabric sticks out. Jeno yanks it free to see that it’s mini-Renjun.

With a smile, he sits the doll on top of his pillow and makes a note to return it later when he sees Renjun again.

Things get busy after that. Classes start and the stress of coursework doesn’t spare a second of mercy, hounding after them as soon as orientation is over.

There are lectures to listen to, notes to take, readings to be done, more notes to be taken, tutorials to attend, and it all has Jeno wondering why people choose to continue studying in the first place.

Why did _he_ choose to continue studying – if only it weren’t for his parents’ worries and expectations.

The subjects for core-study are rather doable, to say the least, as they’re only the foundation subjects for the specific fields that can be later chosen upon completion. As Jeno’s always had a hand dipped into the basics, it’s nothing he can’t handle. But, with the addition of physical training and practise with the team, his body starts to wear against the demand.

He starts sleeping more, whenever he can, and any moment not sleeping is spent catching up on classwork or out on the field with Yangyang and Lucas.

For this reason, he doesn’t see Renjun for the rest of the week.

It’s not the same now that they no longer share a class, or have a special spot. Sure, they pass each other in the hallway or meet in the kitchen for dinner, but it’s not the same because either one of them will always be in a rush, or Chaewon and Jaemin will be there to disturb any privacy they can have.

At the same time, Renjun won’t say anything else to him besides a brisk _good morning_ or _hey_ , any hope of conversation dying with a quick turn of his head.

When Jeno promised Renjun that things between them won’t change and that they’ll always find time for each other, he really didn’t expect things to be like this.

However, the change is only natural and Jeno must accept it whether he likes it or not. It’s not only Renjun that he hasn’t been able to meet, but Donghyuck, as well as Mark and Yerim, who he expected to see more now, were all equally busy.

Even Jaemin is gone by the time Jeno wakes up, only returning in the afternoon when the latter has headed off to practise.

And while Renjun is only at the end of the hall, and on many occasions, Jeno feels the urge to just _go to him_ , something holds him back.

It’s the fact that Renjun hasn’t reached out to him either, and Jeno prays it’s only his anxieties getting the better of him when he starts to notice a slight shift in Renjun’s attitude towards him, ever since that first night on campus.

It’s as if Renjun is purposely putting a distance between them, and it’s definitely because he knows something now that he didn’t before.

Jeno only fears what that may be.

So he tries to distract himself with soccer, practising more when he can, _making time_ to practise his skills. He’ll pull Yangyang and Lucas out when they’re free as well since they’re still the only ones he’s comfortable with in his new team.

Yangyang notices his off mood first, when the ball Jeno aimed at his feet skids past him instead, down, down, the field.

“What’s up?”

Jeno jerks his gaze away from the rolling ball, “huh? Nothing. Just having a weird day.”

“You’ve been having a weird day all week. The coach even said your dribbling was off. _Your dribbling!”_

Yangyang eyes him sternly as Jeno bows his head. Lucas runs over after fetching the ball, slowing down after sensing the mood. He reaches out to Jeno and claps his back.

“What’s wrong, little dude? Missing home?”

Jeno shakes his head, his tongue heavy in his mouth. He definitely can’t bring up Renjun in front of them – might as well confront Renjun himself!

Yet his heart works faster than his brain and he ends up saying, in an impossibly low voice, “have you guys spoken to Renjun lately?”

Yangyang’s expression softens, half-smile curling on his lips, “we saw each other in the library the other day and spoke then, but not since.”

“Our group chat is always act –“ Lucas clamps his mouth close when Yangyang hisses at him to be quiet, but Jeno’s already got the picture.

Renjun _is_ avoiding him.

Heart heavy in his chest, Jeno turns on his heel, “I think I’m gonna go. Not feeling very well.”

“Jeno, wait!” Yangyang calls after him, jogging forward a few steps before he stops. He wears a complicated expression, biting his lips, eyes darting between Jeno and the ground. Lucas watches them with wide, curious eyes.

“Just – you should talk to him. He’s not – it’s not – just talk to him, okay?” He scratches his head, mouth twisting, “you two will be fine.”

Jeno swallows his words and nods, unsure of what exactly Yangyang is trying to say, and what he’s trying to conceal. But he doesn’t give it much thought, mind directing back to the weight in his chest. He nods goodbye and drags his feet back to the dorms.

Passing by the kitchen, Jeno freezes in his tracks once he spots Chaewon sitting in the main lounge. She’s focused on her phone and hasn’t spotted Jeno yet, which is for the better, because she’s the last person he wants to see right now.

During the long summer, since Renjun was gone, Jeno took the courtesy of taking care of Chaewon and making sure the girl didn’t feel lonely. Even though he was well aware of her feelings for him, he felt inclined to, as they both had a mutual desolation from missing Renjun, and also, it’s what Renjun would’ve done.

Renjun had asked him to take care of her while he was gone, and although the seriousness of the request could be debated, Jeno took it quite literally.

But it’s not as if his summer went to waste in that way, nor is it that Chaewon was a burden. Jeno actually found himself enjoying her company, which is of the same spunk and chattiness that he’s used to with Renjun.

He found, that when she became more relaxed around him and not so aware of her affections for him, Chaewon was much more carefree and vibrant, even teasing Jeno or arguing with him, at times.

Yet, it seemed as soon as Jeno were to make a move, either brushing her hair out of her face when it fell forward into her ice-cream or, stuck his hand out to stop her from accidentally crossing into traffic, she was suddenly reminded of _Jeno Lee, the jock_ , and went back to her prior, antsy, blushing form.

Which, Jeno doesn’t _hate_ either, because she’s entitled to what she feels. But in that regard, Jeno is also allowed to feel completely awkward in his own skin and suffocated.

So, once Renjun came back, Jeno naturally took a step back and continues to maintain that distance with Chaewon.

He thinks it’s a shame. If things were different, and Chaewon didn’t feel the way she did about him, then they could’ve been friends from the beginning.

_And maybe, Renjun would –_

The thought is interrupted when Chaewon looks up and spots him hiding behind the vending machine.

“Jeno!” Her face lights up as she calls him over, patting the seat beside her, “I haven’t seen you in so long! How’re you doing?”

“Alright.”

“That’s good! How did tryouts go? Yangyang said anyone with a scholarship is already admitted to the team, but you have to try out for what spot you want. Did you get what you wanted?”

Jeno blinks at her, backing away a fraction as she starts to lean closer. She catches the shift and becomes flustered, mumbling a quick apology under her breath as she sits back down.

Her excitement often gets the better of her, and Jeno’s noticed she does this frequently. He’d think it’s cute, if it wasn’t for…

“Yeah, I did. Back to centre-midfield.” He says, more cheerfully than he would’ve preferred, but he really loves this position and is genuinely happy he’ll get to keep playing it.

Chaewon catches on, a proud smile forming across her face, “that’s fantastic! I’m so happy for you!” Then, she adds, with her eyes on her lap, “I asked Renjun about it, your tryouts, but he said he hasn’t spoken to you since classes started…” she drifts off, a flash of worry on her face that’s gone in an instant, replaced by another big smile, “but we’ve all been so busy, it’s no wonder. I know he’s gonna be so happy to hear you got the position as well!”

To Jeno, however, the words act as a sharp reminder of the fact that Renjun’s been avoiding him. Her statement that Renjun _would be_ happy acts as a shield, of sorts, softening the blow and yet the impact is still there, because Renjun _would be_ , but only if he wasn’t evading him like this.

“What’re you… what’re you doing here?” Jeno asks to break the silence, and also because Chaewon wouldn’t just be sitting here alone.

“Oh, Renjun and I are gonna go out for a bit. Everything’s open until late tonight, so we’re gonna check out the area outside campus!”

 _Ahh_ , Jeno thinks with a sad smile, _of course._

“Renjun’s just getting ready... do you wanna come? If you don’t have work to do or anything.”

Chaewon looks at him expectantly, eyes shining, the tips of her ears red. She absentmindedly plays with her fingers.

“No, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to intrude.” Especially not if Renjun doesn’t want to see him. “I have things to do… work, readings.”

He moves to stand up, nodding at Chaewon once in a form of silent goodbye and turning away before he can catch the disappointment in her eyes. He walks fast to the elevator, hoping he can reach his room without running into Renjun.

And of course, it isn’t that simple.

The elevator _dings_ and the doors slide open to reveal Renjun, looking equally surprised to see Jeno. He freezes, a slightly fearful expression brushing over his face before he smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey.”

Jeno smiles back, tight-lipped, “hi.”

An awkward silence hangs between them. They fumble around, Renjun trying to get out while Jeno tries to get in. The smaller boy chuckles airily, tinged with unease before Jeno eventually sidesteps to let Renjun through first.

“Thanks,” Renjun mutters, looking back over his shoulder as Jeno presses the button for the third floor.

Jeno nods, biting down on his lip. He stares as Renjun’s mouth parts hesitantly, about to say something else when the elevator doors slide close, and that’s it.

Jeno has no idea how he ended up here, at a party, in the cramped apartment of someone he’s never heard of, being jostled by strangers and head-splitting in half over the loud boom of the stereo blowing throughout the house.

Actually, scratch that, he knows exactly how he ended up here, and it was a neat combination of Donghyuck and Jaemin pestering him after receiving the invite from Yangyang and Lucas, and finding out that Renjun would be going as well.

(So maybe it was more the latter than the former, but still.)

The room they’re in, which looks to be a study, is dimly lit by a tall lamp in the corner, packed tight from the sheer number of people crowded around the pool table playing, not pool, but drunk Jenga.

Every time the blocks crash – which is every five or so minutes - Jeno visibly winces at the sound. He faces away, leaning against his arm and lazily sipping his drink as he watches his friends chat.

The cheap alcohol burns down his throat, leaving behind a stale film of bitterness on his tongue. Jeno has contemplated just tossing the drink away, but he needs something to do or else his mind will wander.

Renjun is still avoiding him.

It’s been a few days since their awkward encounter in front of the elevators, and other than seeing each other here and there around the dorms, nothing much has progressed.

At one point, Jeno contemplated directly knocking on Renjun’s door and asking for an explanation, but he couldn’t find the resolve to do so knowing Renjun was actively dodging talking to him.

If he had done something wrong, Renjun would tell him. If it’s something personal or other, then Jeno shouldn’t pry – right?

They had all arrived at the party together, although Renjun maintained a palpable distance between them, keeping to the opposite side of Jeno or marching ahead with Chaewon. She seemed to notice Renjun’s coldness towards him and kept glancing back at Jeno with a pitiful look. But whether she knows why, Jeno isn’t sure.

Sometime throughout the first hour, the group had split up and Renjun was quick to trail after Hendery and Lucas excitedly as they went around the party. Chaewon stayed behind for a few minutes, attempting to talk to Jeno or encourage him into playing a few games, but the latter simply wasn’t listening.

After a few more fruitless attempts, she simply gave him a dejected, slightly conflicted look, then walked away.

Jeno would be lying if he said it didn’t bother him, the way his friends have noticed his despondency, the way his temper is obviously affecting them as well, bringing down the lively mood to a cold, frozen state, but he can’t help it.

He’s tried to distract himself – is still trying to distract himself – but he just can’t ignore the fact that Renjun is shunning him. He just can’t shake off the feeling that he’s being rejected.

A voice at the back of his mind scoffs. _You haven’t even told him your feelings, and yet –_

His thoughts are broken off when from the corner of his eye, he spots Chaewon in the room across the hall, frantically searching around. Her eyes cross his, and for a brief moment, she stares back, slight panic flashing across her features, then she disappears behind the crowd.

Jeno’s heart jumps. Something’s wrong.

Shoving his cup into Jaemin’s unsuspecting hands, he walks right over and picks Chaewon out of the crowd dancing around her. The music is excruciatingly loud in this room, so he grabs her by the wrist and pulls her out to the hall.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, pulling her closer so as to hear her better.

Chaewon’s eyes dart around, the worry clear as day in her voice when she says, “I – I can’t find Renjun.”

Jeno’s heart stops altogether. All his senses switch off and everything is silent. He can barely make a sound when he says, “…what?”

“It’s fine. I’m sure it’s fine.” She shakes her head, wrenching her wrist out of Jeno’s hold to glue her hands straight at her sides. “I’m being worried for no reason,” she says, rather unconvincingly.

“Where did he go?” Jeno asks, using all his strength to keep his voice level.

“He just… someone from his class came up to talk to him. They went… together…” she shakes her head again, swallowing, “I’m just worried because he was drinking quite a bit and – and I – I didn’t want to alarm anyone so I just started to look for him myself –“

“When did you last see him?”

“Around thirty minutes ago? No, it might be longer than that – hey, Jeno! JENO!” She calls after him as Jeno takes off down the hall, deeper into the apartment, “wait! I’m coming with you! JENO!”

Jeno searches for Renjun all over, his heart beating louder and louder, faster and faster in his chest, growing more desperate by every second he doesn’t see Renjun. He even passes by Yangyang and Xiaojun in the kitchen, but after seeing no sign of Renjun, doesn’t stop long enough to even hear their shouts after him.

There are only so many places to search in such a small apartment, and soon Jeno finds himself back at the hall. The last place that remains is the bedroom, door left ajar enough to see the light streaming out from inside.

With his breath caught in his throat, Jeno pushes open the door.

And Renjun is there, sitting in an armchair with a strangers arm wrapped around him. The boy, looking to be around their age with dark hair and tan skin, continues talking to Renjun casually and doesn’t notice Jeno walk over, near seething.

Renjun’s legs are thrown over the other’s, and he’s laid back against the boy’s arm. His face is slightly puffy and peach pink, eyes glazed over.

“Ren.” Jeno breathes out, takes a step closer, ears steaming, “Renjun.”

“J-Jeno?” Renjun’s smile instantly falls off, face slipping into a mix of surprise and irritation, “what’re you doing here?”

Jeno tries to keep his composure, his heart racing in his chest, “I’ve been looking for you.”

At that, Renjun smiles again, and says curtly, “well, I’m here, so –“

The boy turns to Jeno with a hostile look, scowling in a way as if to say _piss off._

But Jeno festers on, reaching forward to grab Renjun by the arm and pull him out of the other’s hold.

“W-wait, Jeno, w _hat the fuck?!”_

“We’re going back, Ren.”

“What? Jeno, let me go!”

At his command, Jeno does. His grip on Renjun’s wrist slackens and the other yanks it back, eyes glowing with irritation.

Jeno hangs his head limply, trodden, heart lodged in his throat. His face grows hot and his eyes begin to burn. He clamps his mouth shut as Renjun silently regards him through hazy eyes. Then, he turns back to the stranger who watches Jeno warily, nodding at him once, and the boy stands down, huffing grumpily.

“Let’s go,” Renjun croaks, ever so softly that Jeno also misses it.

When Renjun extends his hand, Jeno sharply gasps and lifts his head. Renjun’s eyes are still glassy and wet, and his face is redder now than it was before. Jeno can smell the alcohol heavy on his breath.

He doesn’t waste another second, grabbing Renjun by the wrist again and dragging him out of the apartment. He pulls him down the stairs and out the front doors of the complex, not stopping until the fresh, cool night air hits him.

“Jeno, wait,” Renjun wobbles to his side, “slow down.”

 _Oh right_ , Jeno remembers, _he’s drunk._

“Ow,” Renjun whines, rubbing his wrist, “you’re too rough!”

“Ren,” Jeno pulls him closer, arms ready to wrap around his waist, “you’re drunk. I’ll carry you home.”

Renjun giggles, lightly slapping away Jeno’s arms, “no, I’m _fine_.” He tries to prove it by schooling his expression and clearing his throat, “see?” Then, he takes a step past Jeno, instantly losing face when he starts teetering to one side.

“Okay,” Renjun turns around as Jeno stifles a chuckle, “I’m a little, _buzzed_ , but I can walk on my own.”

With no energy left to argue, and glad enough that Renjun is talking to him, Jeno complies and takes to walking beside Renjun instead. Their hands brush; Renjun’s entire body is scalding.

It’s cold at such an hour, the heart of the night. The wind feels like ice upon their skin.

The apartment isn’t far from the campus, and so they soon reach halfway with Jeno holding up a tipsy Renjun when he remembers.

“Wait,” he says, outstretching an arm to prevent Renjun from walking further. He sits him down on the brick wall of a nearby house and takes out his phone.

“What?” Renjun warbles, blinking up at Jeno with wide, glistening eyes. When Jeno meets his gaze, Renjun smiles dreamily, sweet as sugar.

Jeno licks his lips, “I just need to do text someone.”

He pulls up Chaewon’s contact to let her know he has Renjun and that they’re heading home and gets an immediate reply.

_OMG ty ty!! Gonna grab Yy n head out soon._

“I just let Chaewon know you’re okay,” Jeno says, pocketing his phone only to lift his gaze and find Renjun nearly dozing off.

“Huh?” Comes his delayed, drowsy response. Then he groans, “Jenooo, my head _huuurts.”_

With an exhale, Jeno stretches out his arms, “come, I’ll carry you.”

“What? No, no I’m okay now, I’m awake!” Renjun jumps to his feet in another failed effort to look convincing, staggering instantly.

Jeno doesn’t bother arguing, only hugs Renjun’s waist and lifts him up, sitting him on his hip.

“ _Jenooo,”_ Renjun whinges in his ear, but Jeno pays no heed. He hooks Renjun’s legs around his waist with one hand, steadying him with another.

“It’ll be quicker like this, stop whining.”

Unused to the firmness in Jeno’s voice, Renjun gives up and lets Jeno carry him back to their dorms. He rests his head, cheek pressed against Jeno’s neck, and closes his eyes.

Jeno angles his head to observe Renjun’s face, arms securely hugging him in place. His cheeks are puffy and peachy, glowing, and his lips are redder than ever. He gets an urge to kiss his face again, but remembers, that before this, Renjun was earnest in keeping a distance.

Arriving at the dorms, Jeno sets Renjun down in front of his door and taps him awake.

“Ren, where are your keys?”

“Hmm? Back pocket,” Renjun slurs, heading rolling to one side, eyes still shut.

With great effort, Jeno manages to fish out Renjun’s keys and get the door unlocked all with one hand, the other supporting Renjun. He helps him inside and lays him down on the bed, pulling off his shoes.

“Jeno?” Renjun calls softly, falling back to the bed with an _oof_ as Jeno rids him of his jacket.

“Yeah?” Jeno throws the jacket over the chair before returning to Renjun’s side, crouching beside the bed, “what is it?”

Renjun considers him carefully, brows knitted into a muddled expression. Then, it melts away into a sad, apologetic pout, “you’re so good to me. I don’t deserve you.”

Jeno chuckles, moving Renjun’s hair away from his eyes, “why do you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Renjun looks up at the ceiling, the cloudiness in his eyes slowly wafting away with every blink. “Thank you.”

Wordlessly, Jeno watches him, unmoving.

Silence hangs over them, but unlike the past few weeks, it’s peaceful and welcome.

Renjun lays on his back, impossibly still as he stares at the empty ceiling so vastly different from the stars back home. The whole universe he left behind.

“Issohot,” he groans, squirming as he pops open the buttons of his shirt one by one until he’s exposing too much skin for Jeno’s sanity.

Jeno’s weak heart gets the better of him, and he takes a quick peek. Renjun is flushed down to his navel, smooth skin coloured a lovely rose. It makes Jeno equally red everywhere.

“Ren,” he hears himself start to say, heart beating rapidly in his ribcage, “you’ve been avoiding me.”

Renjun’s eyes shoot open, guilt washing over him, “I’m sorry…”

“Did I do something?” Jeno presses with urgency, his voice betraying him when it cracks.

“No, no you didn’t!” Renjun rolls over, reaching out to clasp Jeno’s hand which grips the mattress, “Jeno, I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”

“Then, why have you been avoiding me? I… I miss you…”

Renjun bites his lip, expression pained, torn, “I’m sorry. I… I’ve just been, working something out, by myself. I just… needed some space to think. I’m sorry I pushed you away and made you feel… I’m sorry.”

Judging by the vagueness of his answer, Renjun still isn’t willing to disclose the real reason. But he sits up and pulls Jeno closer to lay his head on his lap. Renjun sifts his fingers through Jeno’s hair, muttering apology after apology, and everything is okay.

So Jeno doesn’t pry further. Rather, like the love-struck fool he is, he forgives him easily.

“Okay, it’s okay. But, are we good now?” He asks slowly, sniffing.

“Of course,” Renjun replies without missing a beat, threading the words into Jeno’s hair like a promise, “of course we are.”

After a while, Jeno’s neck becomes stiff and he finally decides it’s time to go.

Yet, Renjun’s grip on his arm holds firm.

“I should go back, you should rest.”

Renjun’s eyes dart elsewhere, then back to Jeno, “won’t you stay?” He asks, swallowing thickly. The fog in his eyes have disappeared, his voice is clear when he speaks.

“Do you…” Jeno pauses to draw a breath. Exhale. “Do you want me to stay?”

Pulling him along, Renjun lays across the bed, opening up his arms for Jeno to fall into.

“I always want you to stay.”

-

Things after that return back to normal, or as normal as can be.

While Renjun doesn’t remember _exactly_ what happened the night of the party, or the things he said to Jeno afterwards, there’s an ease in his heart now whenever he sees the boy so he simply assumes that something must’ve gone right, or at least, fairly okay.

Especially the morning after, when he woke to Jeno’s smile, those beautiful crescent eyes, he decided that he couldn’t carry on neglecting Jeno any longer.

To be honest, Renjun’s reason for avoiding Jeno wasn’t entirely by his own choice. It came more so from the fact that they all became busier, with a sprinkle of the realisation that he and Jeno might be getting _too_ close.

The realization surfaced after that first night he slept in Jeno’s bed, when he woke up to the space beside him warm, and felt himself itching to lie down on Jeno’s chest, cuddling him back to sleep.

Now, despite how it may sound, it wasn’t like anything _happened_ between them, and yet, the guilt crept in anyway. It bore heavy in his heart, tasted sharp and sour on his tongue, but why it did, Renjun didn’t know.

Or rather, he didn’t like what he knew.

And so naturally, along with their busier schedules, Renjun deemed the distance healthy in order to grant him time to evaluate where he stands with Jeno.

However, in his period of self-reflection, what he hadn’t considered at all was Jeno’s feelings in regards to the matter. It only truly hit him, how dejected and lost Jeno felt when he hugged Renjun that morning, worry punctuating his words as he said –

_“We’re okay, right?”_

Nothing could’ve prepared Renjun for the way his stomach twisted with guilt. Without wasting even a second to breathe, for Jeno’s anxiety to stew, he answered right away.

_“Of course, Jeno, of course, we are.”_

So currently, Renjun is on strategy B: be wary of and assess his relationship with Jeno whilst still being close with-slash-not hurting Jeno himself. It’s hard, because Jeno’s mere presence makes him want to reach out and touch, but he’s working on it.

_Jeno is his friend. He is also Chaewon’s object of affection. He is their friend._

Renjun runs the thought over and over again in his head, no sign of stopping until he knew it off by heart.

“What the hell are you muttering about?” Chaewon’s voice cuts into his thoughts. She wears a concerned frown on her face as she wipes the glass in her hand dry, “are you going crazy, cuz, Yangyang and I have a bet—“

“I’m not going crazy,” Renjun says, more gravely than he intended. Chaewon blinks at him, her frown deepening. He laughs it off, “I’m just, thinking about… this book.”

Chaewon, who carries a master’s degree in anything Renjun, sees through the lie immediately.

“Is it about the thing between you and Jeno?”

Panic strikes Renjun like lightning, “w-what thing between me and Jeno?”

“Your fight? You’ve been avoiding him so I assumed –“

“Oh,” _oh_ , “w-was I that obvious?” Renjun laughs feebly. Is that what it looked like to others?

Chaewon looks at him like he’s gone mad. Maybe he _has_ gone mad.

“Wait – was it _not_ meant to be obvious? Cuz I swear, we could all tell. You were basically _fleeing_ him any time we got together, and poor Jeno looked like he was going to cry every time he saw you.”

“Oh.” Renjun’s heart twinges sharply. “Well… we’re good now – we talked about it, so…”

They hadn’t talked about anything, really, but if Chaewon notices through that lie, she doesn’t say anything.

She watches him curiously, eyes squinted, then goes back to cleaning the counter. With full faith that Renjun will tell her when the time comes, Chaewon doesn’t press further.

Renjun stares down at his plate, pushing flecks of pastry with his fork before Chaewon eventually takes it back for a cleaning.

Since she quit her job at the restaurant, Chaewon took up work at the café located on the top floor of the main library building. Yerim, who has been working there for a year now, was the one who referred her, desperate for a friend and shoulder to lean on during gruelling shifts.

It’s become Renjun’s go-to place whenever he can manage the time since it has both the space to study, relax, and spend time with Chaewon.

Chaewon returns to the counter after tidying up the tables. With the day coming to an end, the number of patrons has dwindled and the floor is left quiet and peaceful, slow rock playing softly in the background.

They idly chat, with Chaewon mostly filling Renjun in on her strange adventures with her roommate, _Tanya_ , who, much to Chaewon’s surprise, is not mean but is just _like that._ They’re becoming friends, slowly but surely, thanks to Chaewon’s unwavering resolve and naturally chatty character.

It makes Renjun smile, to know that she is adjusting well to her surroundings without needing him by her side.

Truthfully, his time spent with Chaewon has also decreased immensely due to their busy schedules. Chaewon has classes, work, studying, along with course-required volunteer tutoring for children, while Renjun also has classes, studying, and searching for a part-time internship at a publishing company.

They make whatever time they can to hang out, but it’s still not the same as before when they were always attached at the hip.

At least the previous year they had guaranteed times such as lunch and shared classes to meet. But now –

The thought made Renjun feel lonely, especially during the days he couldn’t go to Jeno but Chaewon was too busy or with her roommate, but he supposes it’s all a part of growing up.

Soon, Chaewon’s shift ends and they start heading back to their dorms.

She shrugs on her bag, loops an arm through Renjun’s as they step into the elevator, and for the moment, nothing has changed.

“You know,” she starts, hesitant and soft, “since you’re good with Jeno again, do you think you can…”

Renjun turns to her with a lift of his brow, “yeah? What’s wrong?”

Chaewon furrows her brows at the ground, then shakes her head, “you know what, never mind.”

Naturally, Renjun minds.

“Chae, what is it?”

“It’s… so you know, I thought during the summer, we were getting kinda close and stuff, but I don’t know…” Her gaze flickers to the side, then to Renjun, “I don’t know, he’s been distant again, and at first I thought it was because you two were –“

“Right, yeah –“

“But I just – I haven’t had any time to talk to him properly let alone hang out with him, so I think it’s affected the progress we made and –“ She stops abruptly with a sigh, defeated.

They stop at the fork diverging towards their dorm buildings. Renjun moves to stand in front of her, hands clasping hers tight.

Chaewon bites her lip and avoids his gaze.

“He’s probably just busy too…” She mutters to herself.

Renjun takes a deep breath. His heart hurts at the sight of Chaewon’s longing.

 _Jeno is my friend,_ he thinks, _and Chaewon likes him_.

He raises a hand to her cheek, soft, and she keens into the touch with a sad smile.

“Do you still like him?” Renjun hears himself ask. The question is rhetoric, the answer is staring him right in the face, but he asks not because he doesn’t know, but for a clear reminder.

Chaewon stills for a second, then slowly nods once. It’s all the reminder Renjun needs.

“Then, don’t worry! I’ll see what I can do! We’re all a little busy now, so maybe he just needs a reminder of what it was like during the summer!” He grins widely in an effort to cheer her up, his cheeks starting to hurt.

“But Chae,” he starts gravely, “you need to express your feelings properly, okay?”

“I – I know… I will… I…” she trails off, but Renjun reads the unspoken fear of rejection easily.

He smooths down her hair, bringing her into his chest for a hug.

“What’re you gonna do?” She peers at him suspiciously when he pulls away and cups his chin with a grin, “Huang Renjun, don’t go too far!”

He clicks his tongue, backing away down the path towards building B. It’s something like déjà vu, the evening sky, the crisp air and the grin spread across his lips. He curls his fingers into an _okay_ sign, watching as Chaewon’s long hair flutters in the wind.

Then he turns around and walks away.

-

“Cancel. Cancel right now.” Jaemin tells him sternly from where he sits on his bed, textbook laid open but untouched in his lap since he was too busy yelling at Jeno and judging him for his _foolish_ life choices.

“Jaemin, I can’t. I’m supposed to pick her up in like,” Jeno looks away from the mirror to the clock on the monitor, “ten minutes. That’ll just be rude.”

“Jeno,” Jaemin crawls off the bed and crosses towards him, hands cringing, face twisted with both pain and irritation, “Jeno, Jeno, Jenojenojeno – ”

“Jaemin,” Jeno says gravely, resolutely, as he does the last button on his shirt, “stop. I’m – I have to go.”

What happened was, Renjun called him two days ago to ask if he was free for the weekend. Excited and hopeful, naively thinking that Renjun was asking him to hang out, Jeno said yes right away. To his great dismay, however, Renjun had only asked him out to the movies in Chaewon’s stead.

_“Do you think you can take her for me? Please? She really wants to go but I have to finish this book by Monday…”_

And Jeno, like the lovesick fool, _absolute fool_ , that he is, said yes.

Even though he knew it was a setup, could feel it in his bones that this was just a shabby fib to set them on a date, Jeno still agreed because Renjun –

Because Renjun.

“Jeno, you do realize that this is just going to – to make her latch onto you even more!”

Jeno glowers at Jaemin, his tone of voice not sitting right with him.

“Don’t say it like that, Jaem. She’s Renjun’s best friend.”

Jaemin looks remorseful for a second, biting his lip, but his irritation is quick to bounce back when Jeno starts to put on his shoes.

“Jeno.”

“Jaemin,” he looks up, tired, and sighs.

Jaemin sits back down on the bed across Jeno and looks him in the eye, “why are you doing this?”

The question is serious and simple, void of the usual warmth that coats Jaemin’s vernacular.

Jeno can only find one answer that truly suffices for the weight of _why_ he does so.

“Because Renjun asked me to.”

He doesn’t add, _I don’t want to disappoint him,_ or the, _I’d probably walk through hell if he asked me to_ , deeming it unnecessary and because with one look, he can tell Jaemin already knows.

“Jeno,” Jaemin stops him right before he leaves the room, “you can’t… this isn’t right, Jeno. In no way is this good for any of you.”

Jeno’s hand clenches tight around the doorknob. He grits his teeth.

Jaemin’s right, and he knows this all too well, but it isn’t like his other options are better. It’s not as if telling Renjun the truth will be any better. If he’s being selfish, so be it, but at least like this, he gets to keep Renjun by his side.

At least, for a little longer.

Without turning back, without a reply, Jeno walks out of the door.

For what it’s worth, Chaewon is genuinely excited to see him.

As soon as Jeno texts her his arrival, she opens the door with a huge smile on her face, radiating. Jeno couldn’t have felt guiltier.

She bids a quick goodbye to her roommate, who replies with a brisk _‘kay’_ , before closing the door behind her.

“Hi!”

Jeno forces a smile back, the guilt churning away in his stomach, “hey.”

Dutifully, he hooks his arm for her to take, as they did during the summer, and they walk towards the bus stop.

Along the way, Chaewon doesn’t speak much, only holds onto Jeno’s arm loosely with the same smile stuck on her face.

Jeno doesn’t mind the silence, rather, he appreciates it because he’s scared anything he says may come to bite back, or worse, shatter Chaewon’s exuberance.

The bus arrives fairly quickly for once, so they have enough time to catch dinner before the movie. Chaewon suggests it first, and Jeno can only nod in agreement.

Dinner and a movie. It’s a part of the procedure, right?

Chaewon chats idly while Jeno listens. She tells him about work, her vow to get a driver’s license before any of her friends, and her roommate’s secret (not anymore) cat that they hide in the wardrobe.

“His name is Midnight because his fur is completely black. I was reluctant at first, because Renjun used to tell me scary stories about black cats that kind of stuck with me, but the kitty is just _soooooo_ cute!”

Jeno finds himself chuckling at that, “of course Renjun did that.”

At making him laugh, Chaewon visibly brightens. She holds onto his arm a little tighter, having not let go since they left, “do you like cats?”

“I do.”

“Then, you should come over to play with him one day!” Then, dampening her excitement, she says more softly, “or, I’ll bring him to you, whatever works…”

“I like cats,” Jeno says, eyes trained ahead, a slight smile on his lips, “but I’m allergic to fur.”

Chaewon gasps, “That’s so sad…”

Turning to give her a smile, he nods, catching the way she colours when their eyes meet. Up close, he can see the light layer of foundation coating her skin, the shimmer at the inner corner of her eye that glints under the fading sunlight streaming in through the windows. There’s blush set high upon her cheeks and her lips are glossy and pink.

She looks pretty, but Jeno’s heart squeezes with remorse at the thought that she dressed up _for_ _him._

It’s the least he can do, he tells himself as he begins to say, “you look pretty.”

At that, Chaewon ducks to hide the furious blush that sweeps across her already pink cheeks. She hides her face behind her hair and mumbles, ever so softly, “thank you.”

They arrive at the movies, but with time to spare, head into a diner across the street first. Jeno lets Chaewon order first, urging her to choose whatever she wants and gets nothing but fries for himself.

“What?!” Chaewon gawks upon hearing his order, “you’re not eating anything else? Do you want food after or something?”

“I’m not that hungry, and, maybe. We’ll see.”

Chaewon pouts, looking away, “now I feel bad for getting so much…”

“Don’t,” Jeno glances at her, then looks ahead at the red of the walls behind the counter.

Chaewon watches him curiously as Jeno’s eyes train forward. When he catches her staring, he fashions a quick smile. She looks embarrassed and let’s go of his arm.

They eat as Chaewon chatters away, complaining about class and teachers, her kids at volunteering and the one convinced he has eight names because his name has letters, how she wants to take them home only to remember she barely has the skills to take care of herself.

Jeno begs to differ. Having seen the way Chaewon cares for Renjun, he think she’s fully capable when the situation asks for it.

“You… really think so?” She asks, holding up her burger mid-way to her mouth as she stares at Jeno widely.

“You took care of Renjun well during the days when…” he moves on quickly, aware that the topic was sore for Chaewon too, “and I know you’re the one who’s always packing Yangyang vitamin drinks when we go away for training.”

“Did he tell you that?”

Jeno nods and Chaewon scoffs, stuffing the burger into her mouth to avoid smiling too wide.

She pushes her food over to Jeno only to have him push it back, politely declining. He crosses his arms and leans back in his seat.

“Aren’t you guys training for the end-of-semester game?” She asks, straw poking the edge of her lip.

“Yeah, we are.”

“How’s that going?”

Jeno shrugs, “alright, I guess.”

“You guess?” Chaewon frowns, “why, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Jeno says with a sigh, “there’s just a lot of competition to actually play on the field and not be benched. Lots of formidable players to compete against.”

It makes him think about high school, and how much easier it was back then. There are a lot of worthy players in his team now that surpass Jeno’s skills by a mile. While Jeno likes to see it as a challenge, a way for him to better himself and his drive, sometimes, it just ends up looking like a wall he can’t get over.

It’s his dream to be scouted this year, and better yet, by this semester as he doesn’t want to bet all his chances for the end of year game. But, if he can’t prove himself to his coach, if his skills are simply not good enough, then he can forget about proving himself to potential Scouters.

For now, Jeno is still in play as centre-midfielder, but this position is fragile as there are other players continuously competing for his place, for their chance to shine.

What makes matters worse is that there are many older players on the team who’ve had the time to cultivate expertise on all positions and are now desperate to be scouted, thus adding to the amount of competition.

Chaewon grows quiet, musing to herself on what to say as consolation. In a way, Jeno would rather nothing. He’s heard all the empty ‘ _you’ll do great_ s’ and _‘just do your best_ s’ to last him a lifetime.

“Work hard, and do your best,” Chaewon starts, and Jeno inwardly groans. But then, she continues, eyes absently fixed on the edge of the tray, “Renjun always tells me that, there are some things in life that no matter how hard we want to control, we just can’t. And it may suck at the time, but that won’t help the situation… so it’s better to just work hard, do our best, and let the universe do the rest. More often than not, even if doesn’t feel like it at first, the best things will happen, if not at first but,” she pauses, nodding, “sooner or later.”

She laughs airily, eyes twinkling under the flickering light, “Easier said than done, right? But he says it anyway, so one day we can implement it. Some things are made to happen, but the best things happen for no reason at all.” She ends with a light snort, “always has so much to say, that one.”

Jeno laughs along, eyes cast off somewhere in the distance, “Renjun really is… something else…”

Chaewon watches him, her eyes dimming as Jeno continues to smile dazedly past the booths, out the window, and over the horizon. She clears her throat and scrunches up the empty wrapper in her hand.

“We should head on now,” she says, getting to her feet, “the movie will start soon.”

Jeno foots the bill despite Chaewon trying to wrestle it out of him. Eventually, she gives up with a huff and glowers as Jeno tucks his wallet away and throws the receipt in the bin.

“Don’t get cocky Jeno Lee, I will get you back next time.”

The words come out in a flurry and once she’s done, she stills, glancing at Jeno to see his reaction.

Jeno, who schools his expression and tries not to think about a _next time_ , simply walks on ahead, hands tucked into his pockets. Chaewon breathes out sharply and jogs to catch up, the warmth in her cheeks dispelling.

Their tickets were already booked by Renjun to a movie about a rookie spy and their experienced partner teaming up to defeat the bad guys and falling in love along the way. Classic.

They get drinks which Chaewon pays for before Jeno can make an attempt and settle down in in the middle row. At this hour, right before dinner, the theatre is moderately empty and so they take the luxury to choose whatever seats.

From there, nothing much happens.

Jeno isn’t really keen on movies, but he pays close attention anyway in case Chaewon will want to talk about it later, and since he’s here anyway, he might as well enjoy the time.

For the most part, Jeno watches straight-faced, smiling when appropriate but otherwise, not reacting at all. He’s hyperaware of Chaewon beside him, sneaking glances whenever she thinks he’s not looking, or trying to inconspicuously make their hands touch upon the shared armrest only to pull back shyly last minute and rest her hands on her lap.

Her shyness is endearing, or rather, w _ould_ be endearing, if Jeno wasn’t so alert to the gravity of the situation, of the _date_ and everything at stake.

So, halfway through the film, when Chaewon eventually musters up the courage to boldly rest her head against his shoulder, he lets her.

Of course, he can’t help but stiffen upon instinct, trying his hardest to relax under her weight. After a while sitting rigidly in his seat, Chaewon lifts her head to observe his face, then pulls back altogether, hands settled back on her lap.

The movie is alright in every sense – funny at times, full of mediocre action, a near ‘despair event’ climax, and a passionate kiss before the credits roll.

They leave promptly without exchanging any comments about the film. Jeno throws their trash away while Chaewon freshens up in the bathroom, then they head on home. Jeno keeps his hands buried in his pockets while Chaewon clutches her purse to her side, walking just a step behind.

She talks a little about the movie, mostly about how predictable it was but still enjoyable, to which Jeno hums and nods along. It’s dark out by now, and the gust of wind that rushes in with the night is chilling.

“Are you… do you want to get something else to eat?” Jeno asks, facing her from an arm’s length away.

Chaewon regards the distance between them, and shakes her head, “I should be asking you that,” she says with a laugh that holds no mirth. Then adds, “if you’re not hungry… let’s just go home.”

Jeno nods, and with a turn of his heel, keeps walking.

Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Chaewon clutching onto her jacket tighter, hands pale from the chill.

He stops and holds out his hand, “do you want to hold my hand?”

At least this much, for her, and for Renjun.

Chaewon stares at his hand for an awfully long time before taking it hesitantly. Her cold fingers wrap around his palm, and Jeno tightens his hold in an effort to warm her up.

Arriving back at the dorms, Jeno walks her right to her door before letting go of her hand. She faces him, teetering on her feet and lips pressed together contemplatively.

“Um, thanks, for tonight.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Jeno answers, a little too mechanically for his own ears. He inwardly winces, disguising the obligation etched on his face with a characteristic smile.

Chaewon looks away and bites her lip, “um, I’ll see you around then?”

Right. Now would be his cue to kiss her and ask for a second date, or leave depending on how it went. But unsurprisingly, Jeno chooses the latter with a quick spin towards the elevators.

He feels Chaewon’s gaze bore into his back as he walks down the hall. He hears the sigh that comes afterwards, and the gentle trill of keys being pulled out.

Guilt creeps back into his heart. He stops and turns around, “Chaewon! Thanks… to you too… I had fun.”

With a soft smile, Chaewon nods and retreats inside. Jeno deflates with a long exhale, closing his eyes and letting the headache worm in.

-

According to Chaewon, the date went well.

Renjun furrows his brows, switching the phone from his right to his left, “what do you mean it went _well_?”

“It went well,” Chaewon sighs, her breath crackling over the line, “it wasn’t… it went okay, Ren. It was good.”

“You don’t sound very happy about it.”

Chaewon clicks her tongue, “what do you want me to do? Start squealing?”

“Um, preferably, yes. After I set you up together!” He crosses the room to his closet, digging around for his dress shirt. He yanks it out of the messy pile at the bottom and frowns. It’s creased all over.

“Then I’m grateful for your service, happy?” Chaewon is rolling her eyes, he can just _tell_.

“Are you getting ready now?” She asks, moving on from the topic.

Renjun hums, “do you have an iron?”

“Tanya does,” Renjun can hear the squeak of her mattress as she moves around, “come on over.”

Out of sheer gall and with zero expectations, Renjun had been sending out his CV to publishing companies both local and in the city who were searching for potential interns. After numerous rejections, he was almost about to give up when he got a call from _OWL_ asking him for an interview.

To say Renjun freaked out would be a severe understatement.

Although being called in for an interview certainly doesn’t solidify anything, but Renjun still couldn’t contain his excitement. The fact that they considered him despite his young age gives him enough hope to believe that maybe, he’ll get this. Maybe, they’ll like him enough to take him in.

“If there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s charming people,” Chaewon says briskly from her bed as Renjun flips over his shirt, ironing the back.

“If I have to charm my way in then so be it,” he folds the shirt in half and stretches out the arms, pressing down with the hot iron, “I’ll prove my skills over time!”

Once he’s done, he changes in Chaewon’s bathroom at her insistence that she wants to _fix_ his hair, which really meant combing it back and hairspray-ing the shit out of it.

Chaewon’s roommate, who’d been sitting at the corner of her bed reading with Midnight in her lap, looks up when Chaewon pushes Renjun in front of her.

“Good? Doesn’t he just look perfect for a coffee-boy?”

Tanya nods lazily, then goes back to her book. Renjun grumbles, wanting so badly to fix his hair over his eyes again but Chaewon swats his hand away.

“Good luck, I hope you look like enough of a push-over to get the job,” Chaewon teases, seeing him to the elevator.

“Shut up, Chae.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” she pulls him in for a hug, squeezing him tight, “you’ve got this, Ren. Don’t be nervous, and no matter what, I’m proud of you.”

Renjun thanks her, stepping into the elevator. The door slide close on Chaewon’s smiling face as she gives him a thumbs-up and a silent signal of strength.

After what felt like hours squished in the bus between the crowds of the morning-rush, Renjun finally arrived.

He glances up at the entrance of the tall glass building, the rotating doors spinning and spinning. He starts to feel a little nauseous, stomach churning.

Taking a deep breath and nearly choking on air, Renjun smooths down his shirt, fixes his hair, and walks up the gigantic steps.

Office spaces are terrifying and completely intimidating, Renjun decides. The over-polished floors reflect like mirrors, so even when avoiding the cold gaze of workers passing by, he’s met by his own self, a nervous wreck, eyes shot with anxiety.

The sound of dress shoes _click-clack_ past him, his own sneakers squeaking loudly as he walks to the elevator. His tummy flutter with a thousand butterflies, and with a shaking finger, he presses the number four and waits for the elevator door to close.

Thankfully, the elevator is empty and no one stops it to get on either. He uses the moment of privacy to look up at the mirrored ceiling and give himself a pep-talk.

_Huang Renjun, snap out of it! You’re going to freak out and die before you even get to introduce yourself!_

He lightly smacks his cheeks, puffing them up with air, then breathing out heavily. The door dings as it arrives to his floor and with another deep breath, he steps out.

The respective intern for _OWL_ , which takes up three floors of the building (four to six), is a tall, thin man named Sicheng. Renjun introduces himself as the prospective intern and with one, languid sweep over his appearance, Sicheng points down the hall.

“There’s a sign on the door. Wait there, he’ll come to get you.”

Renjun bows, nearly smacking his head on the counter, then scurries away as fast as possible.

Two doors down the hall is a glass door with a piece of paper stuck to the front reading _Interviews for Internships_. He peeks inside to see three other people sitting along the wall, seemingly around his age or older.

 _They look capable_ , he thinks, and the nerves rush back. Shaking himself out of it, Renjun takes a deep breath and steps inside.

Renjun runs, his legs beginning to hurt and his lungs stinging in his chest, but his euphoria carries him ahead, not stopping until he reaches the main floor of his dorm building.

He pauses to catch his breath before dashing to the lounge room. There are other students present inside who startle from the way Renjun bursts in, huffing and puffing. He spots Chaewon by the corner, rushing to her feet, and his smile widens.

“Renjun, what the fuck?! You can’t send me such a cryptic message and ju –“

She’s cut off by the force of Renjun slamming into her, arms wrapped excruciatingly tight around her shoulders.

“I got it,” he whispers, then louder, “I got it!”

“What?” Chaewon tears him away to look at him properly, “ _WHAT?!”_

“I got it, I got it, I GOT IT! THEY LIKE ME! THEY REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME!”

Chaewon shrieks in his ear, jumping up and down as she grips his hands tight, “oh my god, OH MY GOD! You got it! THEY LIKE YOU!”

“They like me!”

“You’re gonna have to get them _so much coffee!”_

“I KNOW!”

“BUT YOU’RE GONNA LEARN SO MUCH!”

“I KNOW!”

“SURROUNDED BY BOOKS! NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE!”

Renjun sobs into her shoulder, “I know!”

Chaewon squeezes him so tight Renjun starts to hurt, but in a pleasant way, “I’m so proud of you! This is so exciting!”

“I’m gonna get busier,” he acknowledges, albeit, a little wistfully.

“That’s okay, that’s okay! It’s gonna be tiring but you’ll… you’ll get so much out of it.”

Renjun grins and nods, unable to coherently speak any more. He’d been reading up on internships at _OWL_ before applying, and none of the experiences sounded easy at all, but Renjun is excited nonetheless. He’s scared too, but mostly thrilled for the challenge.

Not only will he have gained the extra credits for his degree, but this experience is his dream. To him, there is something exciting about the stage of a book’s life between the final draft and the first review. While the story within the pages of a book certainly has its own magic, to know and see first-hand how a book comes to be, printed and bound before it is set out into the world, that in itself, to him, is astounding.

Adding to that, he’ll also get to work on various tasks within publication that will, hopefully, help him decide what he wants to do later on.

Chaewon sits him down on the couch and asks, “did you tell your mum? What did she say?”

“I called her straightaway, she was really happy too.”

We need to celebrate!” Chaewon trills excitedly, “I don’t have class until the evening, so let’s go out to eat!”

Before Renjun can stop her, Chaewon is already pulling him to his feet and urging him to go freshen up.

“I’ll meet you back here in twen – oh. Jeno!”

Jeno stops on his way to the kitchen. He eyes Renjun first, a smile spreading to his lips, then looks at Chaewon.

Renjun’s heart stops momentarily. It’s only been two days since he’s last seen Jeno, and yet seeing him now feels like seeing him for the first time.

He feels like a complete stranger, and Renjun hates it.

“Jeno, guess what!” Chaewon rushes over to hug Jeno’s arm. Renjun stares at them, unsure of what to feel. All the elation from earlier suddenly disappears.

“Renjun got accepted to intern at _OWL_!”

Jeno’s eyes fall on him, surprised with a tinge of hurt. He hadn’t told Jeno anything.

“Oh, really?” Jeno says, the lilt in his voice clear of how upset he was feeling, “I didn’t know you even applied. Congrats.”

Renjun’s bites his lip. It’s not as if he was intentionally hiding anything it from Jeno. It’s just, in the midst of strictly enclosing Jeno into the friend zone and stress from internship applications, Renjun ended up sidelining him once again.

Even then, though, Jeno was always on his mind. Other than Chaewon, the person he wanted to scream and yell to about the interview was Jeno. From when he got the call, from when he was a nervous wreck in the waiting room, to when they finally told him they wanted him – all of it, he wanted to tell Jeno right away.

Yet the knowledge of Jeno and Chaewon’s date the previous night, the date that went _well_ , which is enough of a prospect for anything to happen, the weird and ugly way his heart twisted at the thought, prevented him from doing so.

Until he can control the random bursts of foul emotion that spring in his chest whenever he thinks of them, _together_ , this is just what will have to be. He doesn’t know any other way.

“Thanks,” Renjun manages to croak out eventually, guilt tearing his heart to shreds.

Jeno watches him with sad, longing eyes. He bites his lip and doesn’t reach out. Not for a pat or a hug.

Renjun really, really, wants to hug him.

“We’re gonna go out to get lunch, do you wanna come?” Chaewon offers breezily, letting go of Jeno’s arm.

Renjun watches her arm fall back to her side and breathes.

“No,” he spares a glance at Renjun, “it’s fine, I have to go train in a bit. Have fun.”

With that, Jeno smiles weakly before heading into the kitchen.

Chaewon turns back to Renjun with a curious look. She opens her mouth to speak, but decides against whatever she was about to say.

“Go get ready, I’ll meet you back here soon!”

Renjun doesn’t arrive back home until twilight. He and Chaewon went to a café for lunch, for which she paid for, then lazed around the shopping mall until their feet grew weary, chatting about anything and everything, reminiscing about yesteryear and how easy things were back then.

With thoughts of Jeno pushed to the back of his mind, the day out was therapeutic for him, and parting at the end when Chaewon went off to class made him sad, already longing for another day like this to come quick.

Only at the end did Chaewon bring up Jeno again in passing, mentioning his rigorous training regime now that the competition amongst the team was trickier.

Renjun had no idea. The awful feeling in his heart crawled out of the dark. If this was how Jeno felt about being left in the dark, Renjun was so, so sorry.

She also mentioned about the date again, mumbled something about how reserved Jeno was, to which Renjun tried to console her by saying, perhaps, Jeno was just unused to it since they hadn’t hung out in a while.

Chaewon accepted it with a tight smile and Renjun, whose heart was growing heavier and heavier, hurriedly moved on to a different topic.

Slumping into his room, Renjun throws his over-shirt off and collapses face-first onto his bed.

No more than ten minutes later, just as Renjun is about to doze off, there’s a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” Renjun calls out, groaning as he gets to his feet.

Jeno stares back at him with wide eyes as Renjun does the same, holding the door ajar. Then he smiles and Renjun opens the door wider.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jeno’s gaze wanders inside, his hands tucked behind his back, “can we talk?”

Renjun lets him in, closing the door behind him as Jeno brandishes a tiny, store-bought chocolate cake which he recognizes to be from the convenience store nearest to their dorms.

“We haven’t talked in a while, and I wanted to do something for you since you got the job.”

Jeno pops open the plastic lid and sets the cake down on the small bedside table. From his back pocket, he takes out two forks and a wad of tissues.

“I didn’t get a knife… I thought we could just –“ he stabs the air above the cake to make his point.

When he gets no word out of Renjun, Jeno lifts his head, eyes wavering, he shifts in his seat.

“Sorry,” he starts weakly, his voice tinged with uncertainty, “were you gonna –“

All restraint snapping like rubber bands, Renjun is whipped forward and rushing into Jeno’s arms. Jeno falls back against the mattress, Renjun clinging to his neck in a tight hug. He buries his face into Jeno’s neck and cries.

“I’m sorry, Jeno, I’m sorry –“

“Hey, it’s – Ren,” Jeno strokes along his back, sitting up slowly with Renjun in his lap, “what’re you apologizing for?”

“I didn’t tell you about the internships or anything,” Renjun slides off his lap onto the space beside him, clutching his hands, “I swear I wasn’t trying to avoid you again or anything, I was just so preoccupied and I didn’t wanna say anything before it was confirmed and honestly I didn’t think I’d get this either –“

“Ren,” Jeno switches over his hands so now he’s the one grasping onto Renjun’s, “calm down, it’s okay. I was a little hurt you didn’t tell me,” he admits with a sheepish expression that only makes Renjun whimper, “but, I’m sure you had your reasons. It’s fine.”

At this distance, Renjun notices the dull grey hue settled beneath Jeno’s eyes, how pale and tired his skin has become, his sunken cheeks and the prominence of his bones.

He cups Jeno’s cheek and strokes gingerly with his thumb, “you’ve lost weight.”

Jeno chuckles lightly, taking Renjun’s hand in his own again, “I’ve been stressed, that’s all. Training.”

The easy dismissal only pains Renjun more. To see Jeno like this, mentally and physically exhausted and yet, still making time for Renjun, makes the guilt press down harder in his chest.

“That’s no good, Jeno. You shouldn’t neglect your health,” he reaches over for the cake, “you need this more than I do,” and breaks off a large piece, feeding it to Jeno.

Jeno stares at the cake in front of his face, then at Renjun. He swallows a chuckle and accepts it graciously.

“Is Mr Huang going to feed me?”

“Take it while you can, Jeno Lee.”

With that, Renjun feels Jeno grabs his waist and pull him back into his lap. He yelps, as Jeno’s arms wrap around his middle, chin hooked on his shoulder.

“Jeno,” he calls, more mildly than how he feels. His heart hammers in his chest and his skin crawls with guilt. This isn’t part of the plan. This is in no way keeping their relationship within limits. “Jeno, what’re you doing?”

Jeno hums lazily, closing his eyes and he embraces Renjun in his warmth.

“Are… do you want to eat something else?” Renjun tries to wriggle out of his arms, but Jeno’s hold is strong. His heart beats faster and faster, as Jeno’s hands splayed across his sides, the heat from them sinking to his bones.

A part of him knows, that if he really wanted to, he could wrench out of Jeno’s hold easily, and Jeno would let him go. But what scares him the most is that he doesn’t want to.

“H-hey, let’s go downstairs. I’ll make you something to eat, okay?” He tries again, trying to level his voice, “Jeno?”

Only Jeno grips him tighter, nuzzles into his neck, “no, just wanna stay here with you.” His words are warm and pleading, on the verge of breaking as he says, “please?”

“Okay,” Renjun hears himself say before he can think, submitting to Jeno’s embrace, leaning back against his chest. He spears another piece of cake and forks it into Jeno’s mouth, content when he eats.

“So, tell me, how’d your interview go?”

Renjun shifts to lay on his side in Jeno’s arms. For the first time in a while, the guilt subsides, overtaken by the comfort of Jeno’s presence. He smiles and thinks that for now, this is okay.

Just for now, he lets his heart indulge.

-

Following that night, Renjun has taken it upon himself to have breakfast and dinner with Jeno every single day no matter their schedules.

He’ll come around to Jeno and Jaemin’s room every morning to drag the former out of bed, and refuses to leave Jeno be until he’s finished all his food.

_“Ren, I can’t have a bagel, and cereal, and a banana.”_

_“Then you can have the cereal now, the banana later, and the bagel as a snack for when you go to practise.”_

Jeno certainly isn’t complaining, though. To say the least, it’s nice having Renjun hover over him, doting on him and making a fuss about his health when for the past couple of weeks, and ever since the semester started really, Renjun’s been distant.

And now, their relationship has finally returned to its rightful stage where it was before any of this began. While Renjun still hesitates to touch him at times, when pushing Jeno’s hair back, or stiffens when Jeno hugs him from behind, in the end, he always caves in.

Jeno doesn’t miss any of it.

Not the way Renjun’s body tenses in his embrace, nor the way his fingers twitch before he pats Jeno’s cheek or ruffles his hair. But he also doesn’t miss the way Renjun’s touches linger for a second longer every time, and the way his gaze holds on him with a look Jeno knows very well – _longing_.

He takes a little satisfaction in that, heart growing a little in size whenever he catches Renjun staring. It feels good to know that _something_ is being reciprocated, even if Jeno isn’t sure what exactly that it is.

“I’ll take what I can get, do you get me?” He confides to Jaemin and Donghyuck as the two play video games on the PC. Jeno, the self-proclaimed _good one_ , packs his books to go study at the library (he missed out on two weeks’ worth of content, but _details details_ ).

Donghyuck groans as his player gets killed, tipping his head back in agony as Jaemin _pew-pews_ on.

“You know, you could have this and more if you just told Renjun, _the truth_ ,” he says dryly, twinkling his fingers.

“The both of you say that as if I’m not aware.”

“Probably cuz you act like you don’t,” Jaemin cuts in without turning away from the screen. His avatar slashes down another player, pixelated blood splattering all over the screen. “Idiot,” Jaemin mutters under his breath.

Jeno huffs and turns away, pulling his bag over his shoulder.

“It’s gonna blow up in your face one day, Jeno. And it’s gonna be really fucking messy,” Donghyuck adds, tone serious in a way Jeno isn’t used to from him.

He turns his head to the side, “trust me, I’m aware, and I will do anything to prolong that for as long as I can.”

Stepping outside, Jeno inhales the scent of crisp autumn. The wind is cool and the sun is warm; stray leaves float past him, away with the breeze. It is a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, and he almost pities himself for having to study when the day is so splendid.

Nonetheless, Jeno winds up in the main library sooner rather than later. He walks straight past the reception, past the aisles of books and study spaces, straight towards the spiral staircase located near the back of the room.

He climbs up one, two, three flights before arriving at his favourite floor. The reason being is because unlike the levels below, this floor is always much quieter due to the lack of computers and desks in exchange for couches and bean bags. There are a few bookshelves here and there, but the space is mainly intended for relaxed studying instead of the cramped intensity of the floors below.

Since their shared dorm can get too small for even the stress of one medical science student (Jaemin), Jeno’s been coming here to study in peace by himself.

There’s a particular booth at the back that Jeno likes to call his own. It’s cosy and private, with a large window above that allows in the perfect amount of natural lighting.

What he doesn’t expect to find as he arrives at his spot is Renjun, fast asleep on the table. His cheek is squished against an open notebook, the pen in his hand having rolled to the middle.

“Ren?” Jeno calls softly, but is not surprised when he gets no answer. Renjun snores softly, his breaths even and his expression tranquil. His lashes, long and dark, kiss the curve of his cheek, and his lips are parted a fraction, red and moist.

Carefully, Jeno takes the seat across. To think Renjun would be here too, _right here_ in his special spot, Jeno is filled with sudden nostalgia. He thinks of warm sun, cool shade, and tangled roots.

For a while, Jeno sits there deep in awe as the afternoon sun slants across Renjun’s features. Gold dust dances around him, and before Jeno can stop himself, he reaches out and swats the cloud away.

Suddenly, Renjun opens his eyes, blinking twice before startling to sit up. He peers at Jeno, rubbing his eyes.

“Jeno?” He yawns, little fist covering his mouth, “what’re you doing here?”

The timbre of his voice is doused with sleep, deep and husky. Jeno thinks it’s absolutely endearing.

“Sleep well?”

Renjun snorts, “yes, were you here long?”

Jeno shakes his head, “just got here… didn’t think I’d find you here too.”

“Oh, I always come here to study when I can, when I’m not upstairs with Chae. It’s not as good as our tree, but it gives somewhat the same feeling.”

Jeno nods with deep understanding, stumped to silence by the lights dancing in Renjun’s eyes. The cloud of gold dust forms a halo around him, and he glows.

“Stop… stop looking at me,” Renjun rubs his nose with the back of his hand, looking everywhere but at Jeno.

 _He’s shy,_ Jeno realizes as Renjun’s ears hint with red, _and it’s adorable._

A stray hair stands on end at the centre of Renjun’s head. Without warning, Jeno reaches across and smooths it down.

Renjun grasps his hand before he can pull back and threads their fingers together. They share a small smile.

“Don’t you have class today?” Renjun asks once they’ve started studying again.

“I do, but I skipped because I need to catch up.”

“You can’t catch up on content by skipping more content, Jeno. That’s redundant.”

Jeno chuckles, grabbing Renjun’s pen which he holds accusingly to Jeno’s face, “I know, but I’ll… deal with that later.”

Renjun rolls his eyes, yanking his pen free, “this is why you have weekends.”

“But I can’t do anything then even if I tried. Weekends are for catching up on sleep and being lazy.”

With an unimpressed glare, Renjun goes back to his notes.

“Oh!” He goes all of a sudden, startling Jeno, “speaking of the weekend, you just reminded me!” He ducks below the table, rummaging through his backpack and brandishing a ticket, “Chaewon got us tickets to a fair happening in the city. It’s this weekend, she asked me to invite you along.”

Straightaway, Jeno gets an awful gut feeling telling him not to accept. In the back of his mind, Jaemin’s voice clearly warns him over and over that it’s just another ploy.

So Jeno spares a look at the ticket pushed towards him and asks, cautious, “us as in… me, you, and Chaewon?”

“Yeah!”

He wants to ask, _will you end up backing out last minute? Is this just another setup?_

“Actually,” Renjun interjects, eyes cast out the window to the garden below, avoiding Jeno’s gaze. His ears are pink again, “a classmate of mine might come with… I was telling him about it and… he wanted…” Noticing Jeno’s eyes widen, Renjun shakes his hands and adds quickly, “he might not come, though! So, um, I hope – um – do you want to come…?”

Jeno’s mind reels. There’s only one _classmate_ he’s remotely aware of who Renjun might be talking about – the guy from the party.

Under the dim lights and foggy memory, Jeno doesn’t remember his face, but he does remember, clear as day, the way his hands had wrapped around Renjun’s waist, the longing gaze that raked over Renjun’s body.

“Yeah,” Jeno hears himself say, hands curling on his lap. His heart beats too loud in his ears for him to hear anything else, but the twinkling lights in Renjun’s eyes say it all.

“Great!”

Not great. Not great at all. In fact, everything couldn’t have gone more terribly.

For starters, Renjun and _Juyeon_ head to the fair early, leaving Jeno to pick up Chaewon so that they can head there together, at the time they were all supposed to meet up.

According to the text from Renjun, amidst the plethora of apologies, it seemed as if the idea to go early was Juyeon’s.

Jeno decides he doesn’t like Juyeon, not that he had a very high opinion of him to begin with.

They meet up at the entrance, though, and Jeno seethes upon instantly noticing Juyeon’s arm wrapped loosely around Renjun’s waist.

That’s meant to be _his_ arm there.

To make matters worse, it doesn’t appear Juyeon likes him much either, with the way he glowers at Jeno when they first meet eyes, clearly recognizing him as the guy who tore Renjun away that night at the party.

However, for what it’s worth, Renjun and Chaewon seem excited about the fair, and so Jeno does his best to shove Juyeon to the back of his mind and concentrate on matters at hand. To not let Renjun out of his sight, and to make sure Chaewon has a good time, at least.

As the procedures go, Jeno hooks an arm for Chaewon to take. She stares at it for a while, then at him, pensive and hesitant, before eventually sliding her arm through. Even amidst his preoccupation with Renjun and Juyeon, Jeno is sharp to notice her apprehensiveness towards him. He’s not sure what to make of it – good or bad – but it does make him feel a little guilty.

“What do you wanna do first?” Jeno asks her, but his eyes trail after Renjun ahead. They’re walking a few steps faster, sifting in and out of the crowd, laughing and talking. Juyeon’s hand reaches for Renjun’s, but the latter moves his hand away before he can.

Whether it’s intentional or not, Jeno smiles anyway.

“Jeno?” Chaewon’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts.

“Oh, sorry, yes. What do you wanna do first?”

Chaewon sighs, seemingly exhausted already. Jeno swallows.

“I was saying, let’s go on a few rides first.”

“Sounds good, which one?”

She cranes her neck to look around, then points at the distance excitedly, “bumper cars!”

“Great,” Jeno pulls her forward, but in the direction of Renjun and Juyeon, “we should tell them.”

He spears through the crowd until he reaches Renjun, stopping him by grasping his hand.

“We’re gonna go on the bumper cars,” he says decisively.

Renjun looks between Chaewon and him, then at Juyeon, who appears particularly ticked off. Chaewon’s grip on Jeno’s arm loosens until she lets go altogether.

“We were gonna go get fairy floss, then go on the pirate ship,” Juyeon speaks up, stepping forward.

“You can go after,” Jeno answers back gruffly, “besides, having something so sweet before will just make Renjun sick.”

Juyeon glares at him, lips pressed into a thin line. Renjun cuts in before he can say anything else.

“Okay, sounds good,” he says with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. He sighs and turns away in the direction of the bumper cars.

They sit in pairs, Chaewon and Jeno in one car and Juyeon and Renjun in another. Chaewon takes the wheel while Jeno keeps his foot pressed on the pedal.

Soon, once all the cars are filled up, the music starts the ride into play. Chaewon does her best to swerve other cars, screaming from surprise when they get bumped into. She headlines straight for Renjun, who is also driving and cackling every time he manages to swerve Chaewon’s attack.

Jeno tries to have fun, he really does, and seeing Renjun so full of glee does make him happy, but only momentarily, for Juyeon is leaning into his ear, whispering something that makes Renjun smile and laugh harder than Jeno’s ever seen.

Jealousy burns its way up his throat.

After the ride is over, they stop to get corndogs and twisted potatoes. Juyeon keeps Renjun at a distance from them, but close to himself, talking lowly into his ear and cracking jokes here and there that makes Renjun laugh again and again.

Renjun catches Jeno staring, once, and his laughter ceases instantly to be replaced by a guilty, apologetic look.

Jeno doesn’t like it, and would rather see him happy and laughing. Knowing he’s the reason behind Renjun sudden shift in mood, Jeno tears his eyes away.

He supposes, as long as Renjun is happy, everything is okay. Even if he can’t be the one making him happy, it’s okay.

This whole time, Chaewon has been abnormally quiet around him, choosing to stand two steps away from him at all times as if she was afraid to impose.

Feeling remorseful, Jeno moves to stand by her, gently nudging her out of her daze.

“Hey.”

“Oh, hi,” she smiles tautly, “did you… I’m sorry if you didn’t like the ride… I made you go on without even asking –“

“No, no, that’s not it,” Jeno shakes his head vigorously, “I’m the one who should be sorry. Let’s check out something else, okay?”

Chaewon nods and she bites off a piece of her corndog. A speck of sauce dots the corner of her lip and Jeno almost reaches out to wipe it off, then stops himself.

Chaewon notices his reluctance and backs away a step.

“You have something here,” Jeno points to his lip and Chaewon hurriedly reaches into her bag for a tissue before wiping her mouth clean.

“Guys,” Renjun calls, walking back to them with Juyeon close behind, “we’re gonna go to the haunted house, so, Chae, if you want to go somewhere else… Jeno…”

Right. Chaewon must not like haunted houses, and Renjun is asking Jeno if he can take her around while they go off.

In simpler terms, Renjun will see the rest of the fair with Juyeon, and Jeno will spend it with Chaewon.

Jeno gets the gist pretty quickly. He’s been half expecting it, after all.

Renjun waits for Chaewon to give the okay nod before turning to Jeno, uncertainty flashing through his eyes. It makes Jeno feel guilty all over, to see Renjun’s joy dampen at the sight of his misery, clear on his face despite how much he’s trying to suppress it.

So Jeno forces a smile to his eyes and lets him go.

“Have fun,” he says, and he means it. Renjun’s expression softens, and his eyes sparkle.

“Thanks.”

“And, uh, don’t worry,” Jeno takes Chaewon’s hand, much to her surprise, and pulls her close to him. He squeezes her hand to ground himself, keep his heart from tearing to shreds, “we’ll look around and have fun too, right?”

Chaewon considers him for a moment, then softly smiles back, “right.”

Renjun watches them, his smile momentarily slipping off. He stares at their linked hands.

Eventually, Juyeon gets impatient and pulls Renjun away without another word.

Jeno watches them disappear into the crowd. Renjun doesn’t look back, not even once.

Forcing any and every thought of Renjun to the back of his mind, Jeno and Chaewon go around eating way too many sweets and playing on every ride they can. It helps to distract him from the probing thoughts of Renjun that would surface ever so often – thoughts of what he was doing, whether he was having fun, what Juyeon was doing with him.

During those times, he shakes them off and pushes his attention back to Chaewon.

Compared to earlier, Chaewon is much more spirited now that Jeno is actually trying to be enthusiastic. She doesn’t shy away from touching him, more often being the one to pull him this way and that, chirping excitedly about what to do next.

She pulls him towards a game stall where the winner gets to choose between the many plush dolls hanging on the back wall.

“I’m gonna give it a go,” she says, hands clenched in determination. She points at a big, white cat plush on the wall, “I’m gonna get that one.”

Jeno stands to the side as Chaewon takes the BB gun from the vendor, and aims at the target. The goal is to hit the moving target which will, in turn, knock over the clown doll sitting at the top of an artificial wall.

Tongue poking out, Chaewon squints, aims, and shoots.

“Oh! So close!” The vendor shouts and gives her a little puppy bobble-head as a prize.

Chaewon slides over another dollar, “again.”

She grips the gun tight, licks her lips, aims, and shoots.

“Oh, almost!” The vendor hands her another bobble-head, a cat one.

“Let me try,” Jeno hands over the money before Chaewon can do so again and takes the gun from her hand.

He squints, waiting until the target was in position and –

“CONGRATULATIONS!” The vendor claps as the clown toppled over.

“Oh my God?!” Chaewon shouts, jostling him by the arm, “Is there nothing you can do, Jeno Lee?!”

Jeno grins, receiving the cat plush with a quick _thanks_ before extending it to Chaewon, “for you.”

“Oh, Jeno, it’s fine,” she pushes it back, “you won that.”

“Yeah,” Jeno says matter-of-factly, “I won it for you.”

An apology of sorts.

Chaewon stares at the doll, her cheeks colouring. With uncertain fingers, she takes it and buries her face into its body to hide her blush.

“Thank you,” she mumbles, and Jeno gives her a warm smile.

Lighter now that Chaewon is feeling good, Jeno leads her to the food vendors, feeling slightly peckish.

“Kebab sounds nice,” Jeno says, pointing ahead to a large sign above the shop.

Beside him, Chaewon nods, and so he takes that as affirmative to head onwards.

“Oh look,” she stops abruptly, pointing far ahead to the left of the path, to the cotton candy stall, “Ren!”

Jeno spots him instantly among the crowd, standing in front of Juyeon with a rainbow flower-shaped cotton candy wand. He gets the urge to call out, but Juyeon is saying something again that makes Renjun smile so prettily, and even at a distance, Jeno can see the way his cheeks glow a rosy-red.

Then all of a sudden, Juyeon is leaning in closer and closer, Renjun closes his eyes and tilts his head, lips parting as he stands to his toes and –

“Oh.” Chaewon sounds, a sharp gasp escaping her, “oh! Oh my God.”

Jeno stops breathing altogether. His lungs knot together, heart tearing into two. His eyes burn, throat thick with the beginning of tears.

Renjun pulls away with a shy smile, dropping back to his feet. Juyeon slips their hands together, kisses Renjun chastely on the lips again, then they turn their backs and walk away.

Even after they’ve long disappeared, Jeno doesn’t move, rendered completely frozen from shock and heartbreak. His legs weaken, trembling as all the blood draining from his face. He pants heavily, lungs stinging with every breath. Eye glazing over, lip quivering, Jeno turns.

“Jeno…?” Chaewon watches him with growing concern, “Jeno, oh my goodness, are you – Jeno?!”

Jeno shakes his head, the sound of her voice sharp and piercing needles into his brain, “c-can we…”

“Jeno?” Chaewon grips his arms and moves him to the side of the path, “Jeno, what’s wrong? What…” She pauses, looking away in the direction where Renjun had been.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno croaks out, a tear escaping down his face. He shakes his head again. It gets harder and harder to breathe, “can we go, please? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so –“

Chaewon hushes him, expression broken with both worry and sorrow. She nods, glancing away again, then pulls Jeno into her arms.

“Okay, okay, let’s go now,” she wraps an arm around his back and strokes soothingly, “it’s okay, let’s go now, okay? Let’s… let’s go back.”

The trip back to the dorms is nothing but a blur. Chaewon walks a dazed Jeno to the elevators before letting go.

“Chaewon,” Jeno calls out, stopping her from leaving. He clears his throat, “thanks.”

Chaewon slowly faces him, her expression muddled as she refuses to meet his gaze, eyes trained on the floor, “Jeno… what… are you –“

Panic zipping through him, Jeno hurries to dismiss any ideas she might have. He couldn’t risk the truth getting out now. _Especially now._

“I was just feeling a little overwhelmed by… things. Don’t worry,” he musters up a smile, as big as his heart will let, “I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Chaewon responds after a beat, yet she doesn’t look too convinced. Her expression remains perplexed as she nods and backs away, “if… if you need anything…”

“Yeah,” Jeno repeats, voice quiet and strained, “thanks.”

Thankfully, Jaemin isn’t in their room when he arrives. He’d be able to read Jeno’s emotions instantly, and Jeno is simply too exhausted for any questions, or anything, really.

With a heavy heart, he changes and washes up, any trace of tear tracks dispelling away with the cool water. Then, he switches off the lights, climbs into bed, and submits to the darkness.

In spite of everything, he still dreams of Renjun.

Jeno awakes to the sound of Jaemin cursing. Eyes shooting open, he sits up instantly. The room is still dark.

“Shit, sorry, did I wake you?” Jaemin mumbles from somewhere in the darkness. Jeno blinks until his eyes finally adjust.

“What time is it?”

Jaemin sits down on his bed, wincing as he grips his toes, “one in the morning, why?”

Jeno shakes his head, throwing the covers off, “nothing.”

Even in the still darkness, Jeno can feel Jaemin peering at him, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m gonna go out for some air.”

Before Jaemin can press further, Jeno slips on his shoes and stumbles out of the room. He treads down the corridor, head heavy on his shoulders as the day’s events start to come back to him.

He scoffs. Sleeping only postponed the inevitable thoughts that would haunt him.

As he rounds the corner to the elevator, Jeno stops to look back, see if the light under Renjun’s door was still on.

It is.

An invisible force carries his feet back across the hall, all the way down to the last room on the left. Before he can stop himself, Jeno knocks on the door, shaky hands then pulled behind his back.

It takes approximately three minutes for Renjun to open the door, standing in his PJs, not the least bit surprised to see Jeno at this hour.

“Jeno,” he breathes out, hair wet and towel slung over his shoulders. He smells fresh of shampoo and rose, looking incredible as his eyes shine, lips part with a smile.

“Hey,” Jeno manages a smile as Renjun lets him in.

Renjun appears to be in a good mood, humming as he dries his hair, smiling at Jeno sweetly when he catches him staring.

Jeno smiles back, the weight in his chest lifting a slight.

“You’re in a good mood.”

Renjun hums, wiggling a brow, “Is that so?”

“Yeah, did you… when did you get back?”

Renjun stills for a fraction of a second, then smiles and hums once more, “we got back from the fair around closing time, then got dinner and… went back to his apartment. He doesn’t live on campus so…”

Jeno’s throat closes, lungs clenching, “…right.”

“What about you? I was gonna find you guys but Chaewon messaged me saying you already left,” he leans back against the headrest, a pillow cushioning his back, “you feeling okay?”

It’s now or never. If he doesn’t get it out now, he never will.

With a deep breath, Jeno blurts out the question that’s been on the tip of his tongue the entire day.

“Ren… do you like Juyeon?”

Renjun’s eyes flicker, widening a slight that would go amiss to anyone. But not to Jeno.

He prepares himself for the heartbreak, for the _yes_ that is bound to come any second now. If he thinks about it, ever since the beginning, Jeno’s always been prepared for heartbreak.

“No.”

What.

“…what?”

“You mean, as more than a friend right?” Renjun says it so casually, as if this very idea wasn’t killing Jeno just seconds ago. “I don’t like him like that.”

“But – but you kissed him.” He only registers what he’s admitted after they’re out in the open. Shame crawls to his face and he looks away.

Renjun, likewise, looks equally embarrassed. A lovely red hue settles across his cheeks. He hugs his knees to his chest, the movement pulling his shirt collar to the side to reveal two pink blooming bruises.

Jeno’s mouth dries. He averts his eyes, glaring at the bedspread.

He clears his throat, smiling timidly, “ah, you saw that.”

“Chaewon freaked out…” Jeno says for God knows why. A sorry attempt to lighten the mood, he supposes. He adds a light chuckle for good measure, but it only makes the mood more awkward.

“Of course she did…” Renjun mumbles against his knees, “but… it’s not like that. I don’t like him… in that way.”

“But,” Jeno pauses to draw a breath, shifting to face Renjun and look him in the eyes, “you went back to his –“ he’s cut off by the sheer force of his own heart leaping to his throat as his mind whirls at the implication. The pink bruises grow and glow redder under his stare. He wants so badly to rub them off.

Instead, he asks, “does he like you?”

Renjun remains quiet for a long while. His eyes are cast away to the side, avoiding Jeno’s gaze, “yeah, he does… or did.”

“Did you… did you reject him?”

Renjun nods, “yeah.”

Brows furrowed, Jeno leans forward to press. There was no clear reason for Renjun to reject him. Putting aside his own feelings, Jeno saw the way Juyeon made him laugh, the beautiful smile upon his face after they kissed, so if Renjun was truly happy – “why?”

Renjun shrugs, laughing lightly as if the answer was obvious, “just, because. I don’t like him like that. What… happened was just a one-time thing. He was okay with it as well.”

“You looked happy around him,” Jeno tells him, watching as Renjun’s eyes grow wistful.

“Did I?” He smiles, “I was just… indulging, Jeno. I don’t have time for anything more right now. I don’t need a boyfriend right now.”

“Nobody _needs_ a boyfriend –“

“Well, I don’t want one either.” Renjun insists. With a smirk, he reaches out to comb back Jeno’s hair, “I have everything I need and want right here.”

With that, Jeno lunges forward and wraps his arms around Renjun’s middle, burying his face into the smaller male’s chest. Renjun yelps in surprise as his back hits the pillows, laughter bubbling out his as Jeno nuzzles against his chest.

“So, you’re still…” Jeno starts, then decides against it. He doesn’t need to press further because all and any confirmation and hope has already been given, and it’s perfectly enough. Relief floods his heart and runs through his veins. He takes a deep breath and inhales Renjun’s scent.

They lie there entangled in each other’s arms. Jeno rests his head in Renjun’s chest, weary from all the exhaustive thoughts that plagued him throughout the day, while Renjun strokes along his back, sifts his fingers through Jeno’s hair, and hums lazily.

Jeno could stay like this forever.

The moment is promptly ruined when Jeno’s stomach growls obnoxiously, reminding him that he hasn’t eaten anything but a corndog and copious amounts of lemonade all day, and hours ago at that.

He lifts his head, smiling sheepishly.

“Do you want me to make you something?” Renjun says with a smile that tells Jeno he will do so anyway, no matter what he says.

So Jeno nods, moving off Renjun while simultaneously pulling him up, “yes please.”

“Okay, then you need to let me go,” Renjun attempts to pry Jeno’s arms off his waist, but the latter remains tenacious.

“Ahh, Jeno Lee,” he scolds exasperatedly, “what will I do with you?”

Jeno grins next to his ear, pressing their cheeks together as he hugs him from behind.

The two bruises stare up at him from where they sit on the smooth, pale skin of Renjun’s collar, taunting him. Jeno adjusts his collar to hide them, swallowing down the burn in his throat.

Somehow, together, they stumble out of the room and down the hall, sharing hushed laughter in the stillness of the night.

-

For the first time in his life, Renjun decides, fate _stinks_.

“I can’t believe this,” he whines, flopping back on the couch, “this is so unfair.”

“It’s okay, Ren, it can’t be helped,” Jeno smiles at him sweetly, “next time.”

“IN SIX MONTHS?!” Renjun shoots up to yell, then dramatically flops back down, “I hate this. Why did I decide to intern again?!”

Donghyuck offers half-assed consolation by patting his head and at the same time, leaving traces of cheese dust in his hair. He digs his hand back into the bucket of cheese balls and tosses one in his mouth.

“Cheer up, Ren, I’ll live text you the details.”

The day of the end-of-semester match has finally arrived. While everyone is getting ready to go support Jeno, Lucas and Yangyang, Renjun, by some ungodly twist of fate, is the only one who can’t go due to work.

He is being punished. There’s no other way e _veryone_ else’s schedules are clear on this day, except his. Even Chenle and Jisung were going.

“This is soooo unfair!”

Jeno zips up his bag and sets it aside. He’s in a white tracksuit with blue piping, resembling the team colours. The number ten is written in bold, blue font across his chest and back.

Renjun reaches out and clenches Jeno’s jersey, pulling him closer to hug around his middle, “I’m sorry.”

When Renjun had first found out about the date of the game from Yangyang, and later went on to tell Jeno he couldn’t make it, the latter had been visibly disappointed. He tried to dismiss it after he saw Renjun’s own distraught state, but undoubtedly felt just as bad.

Renjun contemplated cancelling work for the day or moving his session to another time, but logic – _Jeno_ – reminded him that he can’t be so dismissive of such an important internship. He knew he was right, but had whined anyway until Jeno soothed him with a hug and a whisper of, _“I’ll think of you and gain strength, and it’ll be like you’re there.”_

And yet, as the hour draws near, Renjun still can’t help feeling thoroughly disappointed and apologetic.

He knows how much this game means to Jeno, how much pressure he’s been under, and the amount of vigorous training he went through just to be able to stand on the field. Today, he will show the fruit of his hard work, and Renjun can’t even be there to see it.

Not to mention, there will be Scouters amongst the audience looking out for their next, state player.

Jeno might not show it, but the pressure is high, as today’s game might just set the rest of his future in place.

If Renjun could be there to give him even the tiniest amount of strength, he would.

_Fate sucks._

“Ren,” Jeno gently pats his hair, wiping off Donghyuck’s cheese dust trail as Renjun whines against his stomach, “I told you, it’s fine. It can’t be helped.”

“I know, but, I really, really wanted to be there for you.”

Jeno crouches down to Renjun’s eye level, pouting as he brings him into a hug, “I know, I wanted you there too… but it’s okay. I know you’re there for me, even if you’re not _there_.”

Yangyang and Lucas soon arrive with Chaewon, Hendery, and Xiaojun in tow. Close behind them are Yerim and Mark, each carrying two folded banners so large poor Yerim struggles to hold them up.

“Uh oh,” Yangyang groans, sharing a mortified look with Jeno, who only laughs in response.

Hendery relieves Yerim of the load by taking the _Yangyang_ banner in his arms, peeking between the folds before nodding approvingly.

“Everyone’s here,” Jaemin claps his hands together, moving towards the door. He looks between Jeno and Renjun and says, “you guys should get to the bus. We’ll follow behind soon in Xiaojun’s car.

The said boy jingles his keys excitedly, having newly gotten his license, he was excited to be driving all his friends to the game.

The rest of them, however, did not share the sentiment.

“Good luck, get there safe,” Renjun whispers to Donghyuck beside him, theatrically patting his back and faking deep concern.

“I drive okay!”

Mark makes a face and drags Xiaojun and Hendery away so they can put the banners in the car.

The rest of them slowly file out of the lounge and towards the bus on standby outside the campus, ready to take the players to the game.

Renjun and Jeno drift towards the back, letting the others carry on ahead. Chaewon has her arm looped through Yangyang’s, pulling him down to yell motivational quotes she found online into his ear.

“Get down seven get up eight! The key to success is to focus on the goal, not on the obstacles! Believe in yourself! Push your limits!”

Just in front of them, Yerim is wrestling the cheese ball bucket of Donghyuck’s hands, screaming about it being for the game while the latter whinges about being hungry.

Jeno has his arm wrapped around Renjun, keeping him close as they lazily follow their friends. The morning sun is warm, the wind is refreshing, and it’s a beautiful Tuesday morning.

A good omen for the events ahead, Renjun thinks to himself.

Reaching the bus, Renjun runs up to Yangyang and Lucas before they can board and hugs them tight.

“You better win, I swear to God.”

Lucas chuckles in his ear and strokes his back.

Yangyang snorts, “is that a threat?”

“Yes, because I won’t be there, I don’t expect to hear anything else when I get back.”

With a final word of good luck, Renjun lets them go. He returns to Jeno’s side and in a similar fashion, yanks his face down to meet his eyes.

He cups his cheeks, squishing them until his lips pucker up, and says, “you’re gonna win.”

Jeno pulls his hands away and holds them tight, “hopefully.”

“No, you will win, Jeno. I believe in you.” He links their fingers together, clasping tight, holding Jeno’s gaze with unwavering conviction, “no matter what happens today, you will be a winner.”

For a while, Jeno stares at him, lips parted in wonder, then he smiles and presses their heads together. Without any words, Jeno conveys his gratitude before boarding the bus.

Renjun finds Chaewon standing to the side with Yerim and pulls her aside.

He flips her hair over shoulders and complains affectionately, “you really should tie your hair more, Chae, you’re like a toddler who refuses to brush their hair.”

“I do! It’s the darn wind…”

They share a smile.

Ever since the day of the fair, Chaewon has been keeping to herself. Although she still grilled Renjun about his kiss with Juyeon and the events that followed after – the details of which were given sparingly – he couldn’t help but feel she’s been more reserved lately.

Or actually, she’s been closed off to the topic of _Jeno_.

It’s only when he’s mentioned does she become more uneasy, expression growing conflicted before she dismisses any questions about him with a sad, _‘it’s complicated.’_

Their relationship is built on trust and allowing the other to open up at their own pace, so Renjun doesn’t push. However, that doesn’t stop him from being concerned.

“Enjoy yourself,” he tells her with a warm smile, “cheer enough for the both of us.”

“Are you kidding?” She scoffs, “you think I’m gonna let Yangyang go by unscathed?! Winner or not, I’m gonna make sure the whole stadium knows who he is!”

Renjun laughs, eyes darting to the back window of the bus where Yangyang has his face pressed up against the glass. They meet eyes and Yangyang pulls a face. Jeno is sitting next to him, rolling his eyes as Yangyang continues to disturbingly pull faces.

“For Jeno too,” Renjun adds without thinking, stilling when Chaewon’s expression noticeably darkens. He gets the urge to ask what’s wrong but remembers the timing and decides against it.

“I will,” Chaewon eventually says with a smile, “of course I will, and I’ll try to update you whenever I can.”

With that, Renjun relaxes. He bids the rest of them goodbye, walking back to the dorms by himself to get ready for work.

Renjun doesn’t come home until later that evening, but by the looks of the quiet building, his friends haven’t returned yet either.

He trudges to his room, feet dragging against the carpet, arms and legs weary from running around all day.

So far, his internship has gone fairly easy with the most work strenuous work being serving coffee to a board meeting of twenty people, which took forever, and facing a particularly stubborn author who adamantly denied any and all necessary edits to her draft, even the grammatical changes.

His mentor, a tall, young man named Doyoung, is nice enough to help him out and check over his corrections on any given draft, but lately has been pushing more and more of the workload onto Renjun.

If he thinks about it, Doyoung is technically doing twice the work since he reviews and corrects Renjun’s work before submitting it, but Renjun feels rather bitter about being worked to the bone anyway.

Not to mention, on top of everything, he’s still getting coffee for the entire floor.

Renjun traipses into his room, tearing his clothes off and heading straight into the shower. He adjusts the taps to the right temperature, then sits down right in the middle on the floor as the warm water beats down on him.

He rubs the space between his brows, eyes sore from reading manuscripts and glaring at computers all day.

His mind starts to wander to the game. Donghyuck and Chaewon’s live tweets stopped not long into the second half of the game, and since he was busy at work, Renjun didn’t have the time to inquire.

But around now should either be the time they go to the after-party, if they won, or have arrived home, if not.

Win or lose, which Renjun still firmly believes in the former, they would’ve at least let him know.

Jeno, at least, would’ve let him know straight away.

Just as his thoughts begin to spiral, an incessant knocking sounds from the front door as Chaewon shouts from outside.

“HUANG RENJUN! OPEN UP! HURRY, HURRY!”

At the sound of her frantic voice, Renjun turns off the tap immediately, hurriedly towelling himself dry and yanking on his clothes with much effort. He’s left breathless by the time he opens the door, hair dripping wet.

“OH MY GOD!” Chaewon shouts in his face, the blue streaks on her cheek smeared at the ends as she grins widely, “you need to come downstairs right now! Jeno is waiting for you!”

Chaewon drags him down in an instant, nearly flinging him into the main lounge where all his friends, along with some other students coming to congratulate them, have gathered.

As soon as Jeno sees him, he pushes through the crowd towards him.

“Ren, we won!” He exclaims elatedly, the disbelief and joy clear on his face, “we won!”

“I know!” Renjun screams and rushes in to hug him, “I knew it, I knew you’d win!”

“That’s not even the best bit!” Chaewon says, bouncing impatiently, looking like she was about to burst. She shakes Jeno’s arm, jumping up and down, “tell him, tell him!”

At that moment, Donghyuck and Yangyang run over to interrupt, jumping onto Jeno’s back at the same time and pulling him away from Renjun’s hold.

“HE GOT SCOUTED!” Donghyuck screams and Yangyang chides him for ruining Jeno’s moment. “Shit, sorry, sorry, I’m just –“ he screams again.

Renjun’s mouth hangs open, eyes wide as Jeno smiles shyly, “Jeno, are you serious?”

Jeno nods, and that’s all it takes for Renjun to jump into his arms again. “oh my God, OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?! TELL ME EVERYTHING?!”

All of them leave the lounge for the kitchen, grouping together at a quiet corner away from some students trying to have dinner peacefully.

Turns out, after the game, Jeno had been approached to by an agent looking to recruit him for the state team. Apparently, he had been watching Jeno the whole game and thinks his skills are good enough to try out for the professional team even at his young age, and most likely even get in.

“Good enough?!” Lucas spits, “stop being humble! Let me tell you what he _really s_ aid. He said Jeno is an impressive, skilled player with lots of potential and sportsmanship _unmatched_ by anyone he’s seen.” He claps him on the back twice, hard, making Jeno keel over, “I’m so proud of you, man.”

Jeno wheezes, “thanks,” and ducks his face again.

“Jeno, that’s wonderful,” Renjun breathes out, unable to find any words that will give justice to this moment, “that’s fantastic! I told you! I told you you’d come back today a winner! I knew it all along!”

Jeno looks into his eyes, expression unreadable as he stares and stares.

Renjun colours under the intensity and laughs awkwardly, “h-have you told your parents yet?”

“Not yet, I will tonight. The agent asked me to give him a call to discuss things further, as soon as possible, so I’ll need to tell them soon.”

While he’s sure Jeno’s parents won’t be anything less than supportive, Renjun is aware of their conflicting opinions regarding his chosen future. Parents worry as parents do, and an athletic career is certainly demanding. They might be uncertain at first, but if Jeno really wants it, he knows they’ll come around.

Renjun tells him so, reassuring Jeno with a tender smile and words of encouragement.

“Now that you’ve said so, I know it’ll come true,” Jeno says with a laugh.

“Of course! When I tell you that there is nothing stronger than my belief in you, Jeno, I mean it. I told you before and I’ll tell you again, you’ll go on to achieve great things.”

Back then Jeno had laughed at his face, but looking at the way things have turned out now, it’s Renjun who gets the last laugh – in a good way.

And laugh he does, right in Jeno’s face as the latter recollects those cheesy words from a year ago.

“And you, Huang Renjun, really are a wonder…”

Jeno flicks his nose, then grasps his hands.

Like second nature, Renjun laces their fingers together and holds on tight.

-

Jeno’s been lying in the middle of the football field for what feels like hours now.

In the dead of the night, with crickets chirping in the darkness and the moon slung high up in the sky, Jeno stares up at the star-spangled sky above, hugging his soccer ball to his chest, and thinks.

The day had been nothing but a rollercoaster of emotions, from hitting an all-time low just seconds before the tie-breaking goal, to a euphoric high when they scoreboards flashed the winning points, and the crowd roared their team’s name.

He soared higher and higher when the agent approached him just as he was about to call and tell Renjun the news, and got offered a place in the state team. Then only to come crashing down when the time came to break the news to his parents.

Although, his parents had reacted much better than he expected, congratulating him and surprisingly, encouraging him to take the offer.

But maybe that is what’s making him feel so conflicted.

Jeno had a plan set out – to get scouted by the end of the year – and while that happened much earlier than expected, he was also fully prepared to postpone or turn down the offer if his parents expressed any doubts.

Yet, by a sudden change of heart, they only urged him to _do what he wanted_ and to do it well, leaving Jeno to deal with his conundrum by himself – to accept, or postpone.

If he accepted, he’ll have to drop out before the next semester starts since the training term will begin in August, halfway through the second semester. If he postpones, then well, it’s postponed and he’ll get to stay the rest of the year.

While he doesn’t have any particular attachment to his course, and certainly not to any subject, he does bear an attachment to the life he’s established here within the few months.

His room with Jaemin, his friends living so close by, all the ups and downs they share together, and Renjun being there, at all times, just down the hall.

He’s not ready to let go of it all yet. He’s not ready for it all to change.

If he thought his schedules were busy now, it’s bound to get much, much busier when he starts training professionally. Who knows if then, he’ll have enough time for his friends – for Renjun?

Now, he gets to create memories and experience the good and the bad with them by his side. Then, he’ll be all alone.

What makes him feel worse is that he knows this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The scouter may find someone better during the period Jeno postpones the offer, and he may not get scouted again.

If he really wants this, if he really wants to play soccer, he needs to take the plunge now.

And a big part of him wants this more than anything. After all, it’s his dream.

Groaning loudly, Jeno stretches out his limbs like a starfish, his ball rolling away to the side. He hears footsteps coming up from behind him, and he doesn’t have to look to know who they belong to.

“Hey,” Renjun smiles down at him, “thought I’d find you here.”

Jeno moves his arm as Renjun lays down beside him, squirming until he’s comfortable enough.

“I went to look for you in your room, but Jaemin said you went out.”

“And you instantly knew I’d be here?”

Renjun smiles up at the sky, “after today, yeah, I kinda did.”

Jeno’s heart grows a little bigger at that.

“So, what’s on your mind?” Renjun flips over onto his stomach, propped up on his forearms, “what’re you thinking about here, in an open field when it’s pitch black outside with no fear of the unknown jumping out from the bushes?”

With a laugh, Jeno angles his head to face him, “and yet you walked all the way here by yourself, despite all the, _unknown_.”

“The things I do for you, Jeno Lee.”

Jeno smiles and remains quiet, turning his attention back up to the endless void above. The darkness stretches for miles and miles, lit by nothing but a thousand, twinkling stars. He’s never felt so small.

Beside him, Renjun sits up and dusts off his sleeves, then takes Jeno’s hand, “let’s do it this way then. How’re you feeling tonight, Mr Lee?”

Jeno sits and puts his other hand over Renjun’s, “I am feeling… alright.”

Renjun expression softens, “is it about the scouting thing? Did your parents…?”

“No, no, they were very supportive about it...”

“Then?”

Jeno knows he’s surrendering when he sighs, eyes trained forward at the lamp posts standing at the end of the field, “I’m scared of how… things will change.”

“What things?”

“Life. Us. I’ll have to drop out before next semester so I can dedicate enough time for training. I won’t be here anymore, Ren.”

Renjun eyes widen as he takes the information in. Clearly, he hadn’t thought about any of this.

“D-does it start –” he grips Jeno’s hand tighter, “does it start that soon?”

Jeno nods, “yeah, every half year, you get scouted for the next.”

“Oh.” Renjun says, then silence takes over. With every minute, the truth cuts deeper.

“But, this is your dream, Jeno,” Renjun finally speaks up, tipping his head forward, his eyes glowing, “you can’t give this up. You were given this chance and you have to take it now or else… who knows when the next chance will come. If it will.”

“You don’t think it will?”

“I’m not determining that because… I can’t. It’s all up to fate, but, you shouldn’t be so careless with this opportunity either.”

Jeno moves until they’re knees touch and they’re sitting right in front of each other. He holds his hands, and says from the deepest point of heart, “I’ll be leaving you behind. I can’t… I can’t do that Ren.”

Renjun pauses to draw a breath, then smiles and shakes his head, “don’t be stupid, Jeno, you’re not leaving me behind at all. As if I’d let you go that easily.”

“And what if, no matter how hard we try, we keep drifting apart. Some things are beyond our control, after all.”

At having his words thrown back at him, Renjun laughs lightly. The sound has always delighted Jeno before, and it’s no different now. It tells him, before Renjun can tell him himself, that everything will be okay.

“I know, and that’s still true. But I swear, the universe can’t compete against my will when it comes to my friends. I will make sure, no matter what, even if the odds are against me, that we will be this close always.”

Jeno smiles and leans forward to touch their foreheads together, “promise?”

“I promise.”

With his heart lighter and a clear decision in mind, Jeno lays back down on the grass and has Renjun join him. They watch the stars and Renjun goes on and on about constellations, galaxies and the life cycle of stars, while Jeno listens quietly by his side, clutching Renjun’s hand and etching the moment to memory.

Like this, forever. He wants them just like this, forever.

Renjun pulls him up after a while when his back gets sore, and fetches the soccer ball to play.

“You really want to?” Jeno half-shouts down the field where Renjun stands a couple of feet away.

“Yes, yes. You can teach me!”

Jeno kicks the ball and watches it skid past Renjun’s legs, making him yelp in surprise then run after it before it gets too far. He rushes back with the ball in his hand, panting, and glowers at Jeno.

“Go easy on me!”

“Okay, okay,” Jeno laughs, “kick it back to me! Angle your foot like this, and you wanna aim and kick with the inside of your foot.”

He watches as Renjun licks his lips, aiming for Jeno’s awaiting feet. He places the inner part of his foot behind the ball and shoots.

The ball flies barely above the grass and lands just past Jeno’s foot, rolling down the field.

“That’s good! Control your aim and strength next time, but that’s really good!”

They play a quick round with Jeno teaching Renjun how to dribble, block, and shoot, with Renjun eventually managing to make a goal. He cheers loudly as Jeno lifts him up and spins him around. Breathless, they fall back down to the ground, smiling and huffing.

“Jeno,” Renjun breaks the silence once their breaths have evened out, “I don’t want to… put you on the spot but, that day, at the fair, did anything happen?”

Jeno squints at him, stomach churning with nervousness.

_Did Chaewon know something? Did she say something?_

“Not that I know of… what do you mean?”

Renjun looks away, “it’s just that, Chaewon’s been kind of weird lately. Not weird as in we’re not talking to each other at all, but… weird.”

Jeno shakes his head, starting to grow concerned that Chaewon’s w _eirdness_ is most likely his fault.

“Did you ask her?”

“That’s the thing… she just smiles and says it’s nothing when it’s clearly not.”

“I… I’m sorry. I don’t know…” He wanted to say more to comfort Renjun, but frankly, he couldn’t find the right words when his brain was filled with the idea that from that day onwards, Chaewon has been different.

Whether she’s been sad, or angry, or just quiet, but the fault was undoubtedly his.

His heart clenches with guilt. Chaewon has always been sweet to him, especially on that day, and yet Jeno –

“Do you think… do you think you can talk to her? I mean, she clearly doesn’t want to tell me and you’re her… the…”

As Renjun drifts off, something in Jeno’s mind snaps.

Maybe it’s because of all that happened today; maybe it’s because he’s made a decision about his future and things are going to change from here on now.

Maybe it’s the fact that Renjun promised him that no matter what, they will be like this, which gives him hope. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the air tonight.

But Jeno finds himself still, the truth and nothing but the truth waiting on the tip of his tongue.

A small voice inside his head tells him, everything’s going to change in one way or another. He’s got nothing to lose anymore, because if his worst fears are realized, then hey, at least it’ll make the distance easier.

“Renjun,” he says before he can catch himself, “I don’t think I should be the one… asking her about that day.”

Renjun looks at him curiously, brows pinched, “why? What happened?”

“It’s not… that,” A lump forms in his throat, heartbeat getting faster and faster. He swallows thickly, “I just… I don’t think I’m right… for Chaewon…”

“What… what do you mean?”

Jeno sits up onto his knees, eyes trained on Renjun, “Ren, I know… what you’ve been doing. I know about… Chaewon liking me. I know you’re doing your best for us to be together because you love her and you think… you think I can too… in _that_ way but –“

He stops, watching as Renjun’s eyes screw at him both critically and confused.

“The reason why Chaewon is upset is most likely, because of me. I… I tried but, she must’ve noticed –“

“What are you saying?” Renjun hisses, his tone a blend of shock, confusion, and rebuke.

Jeno draws a deep, shaky breath, “I’m saying, I know you’ve been trying to set us up. I know Chaewon likes me, but, I… I don’t feel the same way about her. I never have. She… the reason she must feel like this is because on that day I… I stopped trying… I’m sorry…”

Renjun stares at him, the seconds of silence weighing like hours. Then he jumps up, shaking his head in disbelief.

He splutters, “wait, what? What?! Then – then all that… the summer you treated her like – like that and she told me and –“ Renjun backs away, holding his head, “no, no, she said you guys got close! She said she likes you so much! She…”

He looks up as Jeno starts to approach him, taking slow, hesitant steps, afraid Renjun will run away.

Renjun stops moving and lifts his eyes, holding Jeno in place, a feet apart, “then why did you agree... if you knew from the beginning that I was setting you two up, and if you knew from the beginning that you didn’t like her… then why? Why did you not say so from the beginning? Why did you – that summer – the whole summer I was gone! She said you guys went out every other day and you – you were so kind and you treated her so well and she – and she fell for you even more!”

By now, Renjun is shaking with every word, his eyes have glazed over.

Jeno’s throat grows thick with fear and tears.

“Then why did you do all that, Jeno?! Answer me!”

“For you…” Jeno croaks out, then clears his throat, louder, “I did it for you.”

“ _For me?_ Why would you do that for me?!”

Jeno lets the first tear rolls down his cheek. His voice has become nothing, so he doesn’t say anything. He holds Renjun’s gaze, lips parted to speak only for nothing to come out, but a whimper.

With realization dawning upon Renjun’s face, Jeno’s entire world crashes down.

“No, Jeno,” Renjun whispers, backing away, shaking his head. Tears spill over onto his cheeks, “no, you can’t. Not me, Jeno, you can’t – not me, anyone but me –“

In three long strides, Jeno is standing before Renjun and gripping his wrists before he can run away. Renjun trembles, ducking to avoid Jeno’s eyes.

“Ren, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. It’s always been you, Renjun, from the moment I met you –“

“No, Jeno, no –“

“I never liked Chaewon. She’s sweet and funny but she’s nothing more than a friend to me. But you – I know how much she means to you and Renjun you mean everything to me –“

“ – Jeno, please stop –“

“ – so everything, the summer, the movies, the fair, I did it all for you because you would do it for her! But the one I – the one I love, Renjun –“

“ – Jeno –“

“ – is you, it always has been, and always will be. And I know you know too, Renjun, I know you’ve been – I know you’ve been pushing me aside and pushing yourself and your feelings –“

Renjun shoves hard against his chest. Jeno stumbles back.

“Stop! STOP IT!” Renjun cries, heaving as the tears continue to roll down his cheeks uncontrollably, “what do you know?! How do you know what I feel?!”

His voice comes scorched and raw with anger, hurt, and betrayal. Renjun stumbles back, sobbing. Jeno’s heart tears to shreds.

“You can’t – not me! About you – I don’t –“

“You don’t,” Jeno takes a step forward, voice level and determined, “or you _can’t_ because –“

“Stop! Jeno, just, stop.” Renjun inhales a stammering breath, clearing his throat, “Chaewon loves you, Jeno, and she’s going to be so, so hurt –“

“But I don’t love her! I love –“

“It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter because – because she loves you, and even if she stopped and I – she’d always – I – I couldn’t – I could never –“

Jeno takes another step, reaching out, pleading, “Ren. Renjun.”

“I’m sorry,” Renjun whispers, stepping back and away from Jeno’s begging hands, “I’m sorry, but I can’t… I can’t do this, Jeno. I really am.”

Then he runs off, further and further out of reach, into the night. He doesn’t look back once, leaves behind nothing but Jeno, carved out from his chest, hollow.

All his hopes dashed. All promises now nothing but loose threads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW! Now that that's done... things can finally start falling into place in the next chapter. The next one will be shorter since there's not much left except for, mainly, how they get together plus a short epilogue!  
> Once again, thank you so much for your patience! I will try to finish the last chapter asap.


	4. College - part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And she's done.  
> This chapter focuses heavily on ~feelings~ A lot of things are resolved and a lot of things will be in the process of resolving. Ahh I won't say much here, but I will say I'm finally glad it's over! At the same time, I'm very sad to let this fic go. She means a lot to me, more than I ever imagined.  
> Struggled a lot with this chapter but I hope you will enjoy.  
> It's 2am and I'm tired (as usual) so it's roughly edited. Will check back in the morning.  
> Thank you.

Renjun avoids Jeno for the next week onwards.

Which is relatively easy since Jeno doesn’t seem to be seeking out Renjun either, notably giving him the space he knows Renjun needs right now.

In the halls, in the kitchen, and in the lounge, it’s as if the universe finally had mercy upon Renjun by allowing them to never meet once despite their close living quarters.

So, with this time, Renjun takes to thinking.

Everything from that night became nothing but a blur of events muddled into a whirlpool of emotions. The tempestuous emotions that raged through him when Jeno confessed – confusion, anger, hurt – and the guilt that gripped his heart like a vice when from the flood, surfaced relief.

It killed him to know that when the confession left Jeno’s lip, a hopeful spark had zapped straight to his heart. It absolutely killed him to know that a small part of him wanted nothing more than to rush into Jeno’s arms then, kiss him sweet on the lips, and tell him, over and over again, that he loved him too.

It didn’t help to know that Jeno caught on as well, that his efforts in creating a distance were fruitless because of his own selfish desires.

Most importantly, what makes matters worse, is that Chaewon had been unknowingly subjected to all of it. All this time, she’s been harbouring feelings for Jeno without knowing that Renjun, behind her back, had been falling in love with him too.

And he did nothing to stop himself. Nothing substantial anyway.

The realization made him feel sick. How could he do that to Chaewon, his best friend, who he valued more than anyone else? How could he have allowed this to happen, especially after promising he will do his best in getting her and Jeno together? How did things end up like this?

If Jeno truly didn’t feel anything beyond friendship for Chaewon, then why did he allow things to reach so far? What does he mean he did it _for Renjun?_ Why didn’t he tell him earlier?

A little voice in his head stops him from developing that thought further.

_And what would you have done if he did?_

To that, Renjun finally has an answer, and it’s no different from the recent developments.

He would’ve rejected Jeno, plain and clear, because Chaewon would still like him and Renjun wouldn’t have the heart to tell her he did too. Since day one.

Maybe that’s why it’s always been so easy to see why Chaewon liked him too.

Speaking of Chaewon, Renjun’s been actively avoiding her as well. Perhaps not as intensely as he is avoiding Jeno, because she will surely notice, but he’s been making up excuses to not see her unless absolutely necessary.

When they do meet though, at the library or when Yangyang drags them out for food, Renjun puts on a casual air and his best smile to mask the fact that every time Chaewon meets his eyes, concern stretching across her features, his heart weighs down with guilt, plummeting to the pit of his stomach.

It’s even harder because, at the same time, Chaewon seems to be equally as despondent. She’s much quieter now than ever before, expression always tense and creased as if she’s fighting an inner battle. Renjun wants nothing more than to reach out, hold her hand, and help her through, but stops himself when he remembers – _Jeno_.

And yet, Chaewon still finds the strength to reach out to him, pushing through her own storm to connect their hands and give Renjun a smile, whereas he can do nothing but wallow in his guilt.

 _How pathetic_.

Another week passes just as so, then the universe decides Renjun’s had enough time to think.

He sees Jeno again – no – _bumps into him_ one late Wednesday morning in the kitchen when he was sure no one, especially Jeno, would be around.

Apparently, he calculated wrong.

Jeno mumbled an automatic apology, then upon realizing it was Renjun, flinched back, staggering away to let the latter pass. He keeps his head bowed as Renjun stalks past him, stone-faced, towards the pantry.

Renjun keeps his back turned, hands working on a mind of their own as he rummages through the cupboards, while his brain remains acutely aware of Jeno’s presence behind him. His eyes on his back.

In a brief moment of weakness, Renjun makes the mistake of looking back over his shoulder, just to see if he was still there, only for their gazes to meet and for Jeno to flinch again before turning away.

It hurts, because he hasn’t seen Jeno in weeks, and now all he can see after Jeno’s long left the room is his wounded expression. His once gentle eyes are now sunken into their sockets, raw and red like he hasn’t slept in days, cheeks caving into the hollow of his skull.

It hurts, because Renjun can’t help but feel at fault. It hurts, because a miserable Jeno is the last thing he ever wanted to see. It hurts, because Jeno flinched away as if in _fear_ of what Renjun would say, or would do.

It hurts precisely because even now, in spite of everything, he wants nothing more than to hold Jeno in his arms.

As if that wasn’t enough, that same evening, Lucas and Mark force all of them out of their holes to go bowling. Since exams are coming up soon, they thought it’d be a nice way for everyone to de-stress before they can stress even more with the upcoming season.

Jokes on them, Renjun thinks bitterly to himself, because sitting across from Jeno, who looks as if he’d rather the ground swallow him whole, and beside Chaewon, who won’t stop squinting at him curiously, is only mounting on his stress.

The alley rumbles like thunder as balls roll down the waxed wooden lanes, crashing into the pins, scattering them all over the edge. All around are the sounds of chatter, shouts, and the distant clank of the bowling machine resetting the pins.

As if his head wasn’t full enough, the cacophony of it all makes Renjun scowl deeper, sinking into himself.

Donghyuck claps Jeno on the back, startling both him and Renjun. He steals a glance at Renjun, a flash of annoyance breaking the usual cheerfulness that graces his features, then tells Jeno that it’s his turn.

Renjun keeps his head low, eyes lifting only slightly to watch as Jeno steps up with an exhausted sigh. Lethargically, he picks up a ball from the rack and rolls it down without even bothering to aim.

The ball rolls down, down, until it dips to the side and falls behind the pins without knocking over a single one.

“Sorry, guys,” Jeno sighs out, traipsing back to his seat.

“It’s fine,” Jaemin assures him a smile, lifting his arm to pull Jeno into his side. Jeno deflates against Jaemin’s side, folding his arms over himself, and sighs.

From his side, Renjun can feel Yangyang’s stare bore into the side of his face as Jeno glances at him briefly before turning away. Then, Yangyang tuts.

After everyone’s had their fun – or, as much as they could with the mood so sour – they head out for barbeque at a restaurant not far from the bowling alley.

When they find an empty table that fits them all, Renjun pushes ahead and takes the seat at the far end, right against the wall. He can feel his friend’s stare into his back as he does, but he keeps his face ducked to avoid any accusing glares head-on.

Not surprisingly, Jeno mimics his actions and takes the seat on the opposite end, out of his line of sight. Chaewon sits beside him and fills their glasses with water, letting the rest of their friends choose the menu.

“What’s going on with you and Jeno?”

Renjun keeps his eyes on the basket of lettuce set in front of him, “shouldn’t I be asking what’s happened between you and Jeno?”

The reply comes out more bitterly than intended, laced with a hint of irritation that Chaewon clearly notices. She looks at him, peeved, and keeps her lips tightly sealed.

Guilt hurriedly takes over his heart and he finds himself quick to apologize, “sorry. It’s nothing. Just an argument.”

Chaewon doesn’t look convinced. She drags her finger along the rim of her glass, “doesn’t look like it to me. Every time he looks at you, or you look at him, he looks like he’s about cry.”

“It was just an argument, Chae,” he pushes firmly, swallowing back the lump in his throat.

“I’m not gonna ask you what the argument was about, but if it was _just_ an argument then you two better talk it out. The silent treatment won’t resolve anything and,” he eyes flit to Jeno, “he looks like he’s being tortured, poor guy.”

Renjun frowns, hands clenching so tight his fingernails dig into his palms. He could draw blood if he tried.

It’s not like he isn’t aware Jeno’s upset. Of course, Jeno’s upset. It’s only natural for him to be upset. But what about _him_? What about Renjun, who doesn’t like this situation any more either? What about him, who’s having to sit on his heart to keep himself from running into Jeno’s arms? What about him, who is also upset, who is also being tortured every second of every day, having his heart torn into two at the mere thought of choosing between telling Jeno the truth and hurting Chaewon, or keeping Chaewon at the loss of Jeno?

A waiter comes around with bottles of soju. Renjun pours himself a shot and throws it back, hoping the alcohol will numb his brain even a little bit.

“What’s going on with you and Jeno?” He throws the question back at Chaewon, holding her down with a strong gaze.

“I’ll… tell you… after I figure things out for myself.”

Under the table, she takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. It’s alarming how the simple gesture calms Renjun instantly, as he finds himself squeezing back, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“You need to… you need to talk to him, Ren,” she tells him again, after a while, when the food has already arrived and everyone is busy with grilling and conversation. The face she wears is contemplative and distant. The battle is back. She frowns at her bowl of rice and stew broth.

“You… you should as well…” he hears himself say. Jeno’s words ring faintly in his ears. _Chaewon knows something._

She turns to him and gives him a tight-lipped smile that affirms Renjun’s predictions. His chest aches as Chaewon nods slowly, eyes casting off out the window behind him, into the night.

“I know,” she whispers, “I will.”

When they get back to the dorms and Renjun bids goodnight to his friends, he waits around in the kitchen until Jeno and Jaemin head upstairs first.

They pass through the hall, and Jeno, acutely aware of anything Renjun, looks back at him through the glass doors as they wait for the elevator to arrive.

Renjun meets his eyes briefly, pressure building with the beginning of tears as Jeno tears his eyes away and disappears behind the elevator doors.

His mind is still chaotic, but a sliver of rationality peeks to the surface and tells him that they need to talk and _now._ At least, if not for themselves, but for Chaewon.

She doesn’t deserve to be dragged along any further, and not to mention, exams are coming up and the last thing he wants is for Chaewon’s focus to be thwarted by their problems. In fact, Renjun can wait forever before he addresses anything if it means Chaewon can escape this mess first. And while he trusts her pace, and believes she will talk to Jeno eventually, it’s about time Jeno took the first step.

Even if she won’t go unscathed, at least she will have gained clarity. At least she can let go and move on.

And it goes without saying, Renjun will be there for her, as always.

So that’s how he finds himself rooted in front of Jeno and Jaemin’s room, hand raised to the door, ready to knock and yet, unable to.

Despite his inner monologue telling himself, the whole way up, what to say, what to do, and why, now that it’s time for action, Renjun’s mind clears blank.

He takes a deep breath, shakes out his nerves, and knocks on the door twice.

Before he can say _fuck it_ and run away, Jaemin opens the door.

“Renjun?” He stares down at him, eyes filled with both confusion and contempt. He holds the door close around him, on guard.

Renjun doesn’t blame him.

“Can I please speak to Jeno? I need to… I need to tell him something.”

Before Jaemin can answer, reproach ready on the tip of his tongue, Jeno pulls him back into the room. He turns his head and tells Jaemin off for trying to eavesdrop, then steps out into the hall altogether, shutting the door behind him.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Renjun says, barely a whisper.

 _I miss you_ , he wants to tell him, _I’m sorry._

“W-what… what is it that you wanted to tell me?” Jeno swallows thickly, preparing himself. His eyes are trained on Renjun’s hands, which grip the hem of his hoodie tight.

 _That I love you too_ , he wants to say, _that I’m sorry it had to be this way_.

But before any of that, before he can waste this little resolve he has on selfish matter, he thinks of Chaewon first.

“You need to tell Chaewon the truth. She has probably already…” he shakes his head. That’s not important. “You need to talk to her, as soon as possible.”

He lifts his head, inspecting as Jeno’s lips press together. He nods, understanding.

With that, Renjun spins on his heel and walks away before Jeno, and his own, weak heart, can tamper with the course of things.

-

Luckily for Jeno, Chaewon seeks him out first.

It’s been a few days since that night Renjun spoke to him. Seeing him after so long, being able to meet his eyes, even for a second, brought an ease over him that Jeno thought he’d never be able to feel again.

Yet at the same time, it was a cold reminder of how estranged they have become. How in a matter of minutes, everything they had built came crumbling down and left nothing of their once easy relationship but rubble and regret.

A part of Jeno thinks that maybe, he should’ve left things as they were. Maybe, he shouldn’t have confessed. Maybe, their relationship was better off teetering on the edge of friendship and something more.

But then he remembers how things will change in one way or another anyway when he leaves for training next semester. He remembers the distraught look on Chaewon’s face that day when she dropped him off at the dorms. He remembers the kiss, Renjun in the arms of another, and how no matter what he tells himself about Renjun being happy, it’d kill him to go on knowing it isn’t him he chose.

At least this way there are no loose ends, he consoles himself.

His mind steers back to Renjun’s words from that night. To tell Chaewon the truth. Jeno sits up, crosses his legs, and stares furiously at the duvet messily folded at the end of the bed, thinking of a way to go about it.

Truthfully, if Jeno knew of an appropriate way to let Chaewon down without making both her and Renjun hate him (more than the latter already does, probably), then he would’ve done so way sooner. It’s the fact that he knows letting Chaewon down will only further the gap between them. It’s the fact that he knows Renjun, time and time again, will choose Chaewon over him.

It’s exactly this fear that has stopped him back then and stops him now. _Selfish,_ he knows.

A barely-there knock at the door steers him out of his thoughts. He glances up at the clock. It’s only midday, and all of his friends should be in class right now. Only Jeno has the last few weeks of the semester off, being as his course finishes earlier than the rest, and instead of final exams, he has final assessments.

Ideally, he’d be using this time to gather his bearings ahead of his training period next semester. He could’ve been finalizing his withdrawal, enjoying his last moments on campus while he can. Instead, he’s done… _this_.

He fixes himself, trying to look less like he’s been flogged every day and more presentable – like he’s only missed two days of sleep instead of two weeks. Then, he opens the door.

“Chae… Chaewon?”

She lifts her eyes, a small, tired smile curving on her lips. She fidgets, drawing a sharp breath, “hey. Can we… can we talk?”

Ah. Jeno swallows. It’s now or never. No more dancing around the topic.

“Yeah, I’ve… been meaning to talk to you too.”

Chaewon clamps her lips together and steps back, waiting as Jeno dips inside to grab his coat.

They walk in silence, an arm’s width away from each other as they drift around the campus, letting the autumn wind carry them as it pleases. The air is frosty with the first signs of winter, trees barren. The sun is dimmed behind the grey clouds.

They stumble upon a small pass between two buildings, a brick lane lined with flowering shrubs that Jeno’s never seen before, but that’s probably because he doesn’t wander to begin with. It’s private enough. Chaewon stops and faces him.

For a while, no one says anything. Judging by the way Chaewon glares at the footpath, brows knitted in concentration, she’s also thinking of what to say, how to start.

“Chae –“

“Jeno –“

“Sorry,” Jeno says, hands behind his back, “you go first.”

Silence hangs heavy between them. Jeno grows antsy under the spotlight, waiting for the inevitable truth to leap forward, and preparing himself for the heartbreaking rejection or affirmation he’ll have to give.

Suddenly, Chaewon’s eyes flit to his. Crystal clear and determined. She grips her cardigan, scrunching it up in her fists.

“Jeno Lee,” she starts, her voice a whisper, “I like you.”

Jeno releases a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He knew it all along. He’s heard the same confession many times before, from many different people. Yet, somehow, this time, it weighs differently in his heart.

It’s the rawness in her voice, the sincerity in her eyes. The way her voice shivers ever so slightly, the way she holds her gaze on him, keeping strong.

It’s the way her lips quiver with every second passed in silence, eyes glazing over despite her determination to keep her head held high. The way her features soften, surrendering to the certain rejection she knows will come.

Jeno hangs his head, closes his eyes. Every breath becomes shards stabbing his lungs. They pile in his chest, pricking up his throat. He opens his mouth to speak, and nothing comes out.

“But you don’t like me the same, do you?” She whispers, eyes ready to pool over any minute now.

Jeno shakes his head and manages to squeeze out an, “I’m sorry.”

Chaewon exhales loudly. Biting her lip, looking away, “did you… did you know? That I… that everything…?”

He nods slowly, looking her in the eye, “I did.”

“And you still…?”

“I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, a miserable chuckle floating out of her lips, “you know, I always heard that you… didn’t accept anyone’s feelings. Back then, I wondered how… how people still continued to like you even after the reputation you built for yourself as a heartbreaker. Then I saw you, with Yangyang during team dinners and then, with Ren… and I realised that you’re just,” she shrugs, “one of those people. Only after you and Ren got close I… I started liking you, for real, _for you_. I even fooled myself into thinking that maybe… maybe I’d be different. I took your kindness and – and thought you’d come to like me too, one day.”

Eyes trained on the floor, Jeno swallows thickly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t… don’t be. It’s not your fault that you didn’t feel the same way. I got ahead of myself, used your kindness and put you in an uncomfortable position for so long –“

“No. That’s not – it’s not your fault, Chaewon. I’m sorry I dragged this on. You only thought what you did because I wasn’t –” he pauses for a breath, “because I wasn’t clear from the start. I was scared of… I feared… but that’s no excuse. I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but I’m sorry.”

Chaewon smiles wistfully, “and even now, when I want to hate you, you’re still nice.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno repeats. He could say it a thousand times, but he supposes, apologies bear little weight in matters of the heart. Still, with nothing else to say in mind, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” she says firmly, “no matter what, I still… I was still foolish. I still, naively, blindly, continued to push… I even… even Ren…” Chaewon shakes her head, exhaling loudly, “no matter. What happened has happened. We should be adults about this and just, move on.”

Her words are light-hearted, carrying an air of freedom to them. But, one look at her eyes is a dead giveaway of the heartbreak she’s trying to mask.

Then she sniffles, colouring instantly, voice watery, “oh my God, look at me,” she sniffs again, “how pathetic.”

She hides her face behind her hands, sniffing uncontrollably.

“Chaewon,” Jeno starts, taking a step forward. His hands almost dart out to pull her into a hug, but he stops himself before his instincts can react.

It’s not his place. Right now, Jeno is the bad guy, the criminal, the heartbreaker. Anything they shared before, any shred of friendship, is no more. And may never be, ever again.

And even now when his heart is being crushed with guilt and Chaewon stands clearly wounded and hurt in front of him, Jeno thinks of Renjun.

“I hope you…” she starts low, then with a smile, she quips, “I hope everything works out between you two.”

Then she spins around and struts off, hands clenched at her sides. Her long hair flutters behind in the wind.

-

As heartbreaks go, Chaewon cries.

She doesn’t completely break down until she reaches the confines of her empty room. A shaky breath that cracks and splits into a sob.

She sits, curled into herself, and cries for as long as her body lets her. Until her lungs collapse from exhaustion and her eyes sting with tears that have run dry hours ago.

Then, as heartbreaks go, she pushes herself off and tries to move on.

Renjun doesn’t see her until two days later, when he has a week’s intermission before his next exam and when Chaewon, finally, comes to him on her own.

When she appears in front of his door, looking a little lost and confused, Renjun pulls her into his chest and hugs her tight. He whispers apology after apology into her ear, delicately running his fingers through her hair.

“I was too hopeful,” she admits later, when he sits her down, gripping onto her hand.

“No, you – if you were too hopeful then I am partly to blame as well.”

From the deep recesses of his mind, a shrill voice screams at him, agonizingly, _it’s all your fault. It’s all your fault._

“I let you, and I pushed you to hope,” he says instead, the whole truth falling flat on his tongue.

As bad as he wants to tell her that it’s _him_ who Jeno actually likes, and that the feeling is mutual. As bad as his heart aches to tell her, guilt and fear traps the words before they can escape.

 _Soon_ , he silently promises himself, and Chaewon. _Soon._

Much to Renjun’s surprise, Chaewon picks herself up fairly quickly after their silent healing-slash-support session that night. She gave a little pep-talk to herself, in the reflection of his darkened laptop screen.

_“Silly girl, crying over a boy. You look pathetic.”_

And surprisingly, from then, she was good. Or as good as she tried to be. Renjun knew better, after all, that anything _Jeno_ was still a sore topic. But a Chaewon who is _getting there_ and trying is still better than her wallowing in a pit of heartbreak and hopelessness.

All the better, she takes her emotions and projects the intensity onto her studies, shutting herself into rage through revision notes. Which is fine, Renjun supposes, because she emerges from every exam with victory seeping from her smile – almost a smirk.

For the next few days, in between exams and studying, they go on a little _Jeno vacation_ , in which all and any thoughts of Jeno are discarded. Naturally, his presence is avoided too.

Renjun fulfils his vow by standing by her side always, ready to hold her hand or pick her up when her façade cracks – which shockingly, doesn’t. He doesn’t know if Chaewon’s only getting better at hiding her pain, or if she’s genuinely feeling better. Whichever it is, it leaves him feeling both relieved and sour.

She’d done it all without much of his help, and he can’t help but feel a little useless. A little left behind.

But perhaps, for Chaewon’s sake, he can endure it. Let her flourish, with or without him.

With Jeno pushed out of their minds, things go back to the simpler days when it was just him and Chaewon against the world (and Yangyang, sometimes). If she was avoiding him before, it certainly isn’t the case anymore as Chaewon glues herself to his side whenever she can, talking and laughing as if the past year and a half didn’t happen.

As if Jeno never happened.

Which is fine, Renjun thinks. He doesn’t mind if it’s the only way Chaewon can cope. But, reality will have to snap back into place sooner or later.

Yangyang and the others eventually catch on, though it’s not as if they were trying to conceal the obvious divide between their groups. Loyalty to old friendships come first and naturally, their group of six forms what Yangyang dubs the _anti-Jeno_ _campaign_ in which anything and everything Jeno is treated as taboo – or worse.

 _“Jeno who?”_ He’ll say, with a dramatically eye-roll for effect, or, _“Jeno Lee?! We hate him.”_

His words come with more jest than rebuke, but it makes Chaewon crack a smile and hiss at him to _shut up,_ and Renjun thinks that’s Yangyang’s aim to begin with.

Sometimes, when Chaewon isn’t looking, Yangyang will meet Renjun’s gaze and wink at him, a knowing and weirdly affectionate smile catching on the corners of his lips. It makes Renjun feel exposed and embarrassed, but puzzlingly, comforted and grateful too.

As their _Jeno vacation_ stretches, Renjun eventually loses himself in this newer, simpler environment with his friends. Without Jeno, there is no heartache, and all the yearning he harboured for so long became muted under the happiness achieved with his friends. There is no other side of the coin that he worries or thinks about. His undivided attention falls solely on Chaewon, as it always did before.

While juggling internship hours, he enjoys their last few days of the semester together, celebrating the little things like making it this far. His heart doesn’t hurt anymore, and he doesn’t think about Jeno.

He doesn’t think about Jeno. He doesn’t think about Jeno. He doesn’t think about Jeno.

Until he does.

Of course, his heart can only go on for so long before the want creeps back in.

It’s when things start to settle down and most of the students leave to visit home, does Renjun start to feel the void left behind in the aftermath of their _Jeno-vacation._ It was easier to overlook when Chaewon and his friends’ constant presence filled the gaps, or at least, covered it. But with Chaewon taking an early leave home and all the spare time he has now before and after work, his focus automatically deflects to Jeno.

He sees Jeno again one afternoon in the hallway when they both leave their room at the same time. They lock eyes instantly, and Renjun’s heart feels like it’s going to leap out of his mouth.

Jeno looks worn down, hair tussled and face swollen like he just roused from sleep. It’s almost lunchtime.

“Hey,” he says first, sending a tiny smile Renjun’s way. He can’t remember the last time he saw Jeno smile completely, his eyes disappearing behind crescent moons.

“Hi,” Renjun replies warmly, with a smile. He walks closer until they’re standing only two steps away, and he swears Jeno’s eyes grow wide with surprise, glazing over, as if he can’t believe Renjun is treating him with the barest of kindness.

It makes Renjun furious at himself. In his efforts to keep Chaewon protected and happy, he’d overlooked that Jeno was hurt too. Jeno too, had his heartbroken, by none other than Renjun himself.

Guilt grips him by the throat. The feeling is almost second-nature to him by now. Renjun wonders if he’ll ever stop feeling guilty when this all resolves. If it ever resolves.

“Ren,” Jeno calls out to him, keeping his hands put by his sides, clenched tight. How Renjun aches to hold them again. “Can we – can we please talk? I… if you don’t want to, I understand.”

Heartbeat slow but resounding in his ribs, Renjun breathes out a yes.

They head to Renjun’s room for assured privacy. Jeno stands outside the door and doesn’t enter until Renjun looks over his shoulder curiously. His face falls into dismay as he speaks, as tenderly as possible, “Jeno, come inside.”

Jeno hesitantly sits across him on the bed, almost falling off the end in order to keep a substantial distance away. Renjun doesn’t like it.

It hits him straight on just how much he’s missed their closeness. He grips onto the sheets, stopping himself from lunging into Jeno’s arms.

“How is she?” Jeno asks first, voice low and eyes averted to the floor.

“Well,” Renjun prods at the mattress, “much better than I thought she’d be doing, which is really good.”

“That’s good,” Jeno nods, sighing. Then he inches closer, “Ren, I miss you.”

Renjun lifts his eyes instantly. It takes a moment for him to recover, but his response comes out as a breath of relief, “I missed you too.”

“I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry for not being honest earlier. I’m sorry I hurt Chaewon and in turn, betrayed your trust. I’m sorry I lead this on for so long. I’m sorry for being cowardly. I should’ve… I should’ve had more faith in you.”

Finally, Jeno meets his gaze, and Renjun sees that his eyes have pooled over with the beginning of tears.

“But I was so, so scared of… of exactly _this_ , and I knew you’d choose Chaewon over me and I knew if I told you I’d lose the chance to be by your side completely and it was selfish of me to lie but Ren – I was so scared.”

Renjun holds his breath.

“But that’s no excuse,” Jeno admits with a shake of his head, “and for that I’m sorry. But I miss you and this distance between us is killing me and – and I’ll do anything to fix it. You can pretend I never confessed, you can forget that whole night. I’ll contain my feelings and I won’t – I won’t impose on you and Chaewon. We don’t have to go back to the way we were, I’ve already accepted that it’ll never be the same but – but please,” his composure slips and cracks, “ _please,_ just talk to me again.”

Renjun breaks instantly, shaking his head, lips pressed into a thin line. A thousand thoughts race in his mind but only one makes it to his lips.

“I don’t want to forget,” he whispers, “I don’t want to forget what you said.”

Jeno’s eyes open wide, “what? W-why not…?”

_Because I love you too._

But the words don’t get the chance to leave his mouth before his heart breaks free of its cage and he rushes forth into Jeno’s arms.

Jeno yelps in surprise as Renjun clings tight around his shoulders, face pressed into his neck.

Renjun lifts his head, pressure building at the back of his eyes as his emotions burst open like a dam, flooding him. He looks into Jeno’s eyes, shocked with an undercurrent of relief.

How badly he aches to tell Jeno to not be sorry because he loves him too. To not be sorry, because he wants this just as much.

“Ren?” Jeno looks at him softly, curiously. For a split second, his eyes dart to Renjun’s lips, parted as his breath hits Jeno’s own.

And it’s all it takes for Renjun to rush in, pressing their mouth together.

Jeno jerks back in surprise but not enough to pull away. Renjun presses deeper, hands coming up to stroke his cheek and Jeno finally, _finally_ , kisses back.

The room is silent save for the resounding ticking of the clock on his desk. Jeno’s lips are chapped and his mouth is warm and Renjun likes it so, so much. He likes him so, _so much._

For the first time in what feels like forever, Renjun’s heart doesn’t threaten to beat right out of his ribs and no tormenting thoughts plague his mind. He doesn’t think about Chaewon and he doesn’t think about the consequences that will surely come from this. There is only Jeno, in this moment, right now.

Jeno gently strokes the corner of his mouth with his thumb until Renjun’s lips part. He kisses hungrily, seeking everything Renjun’s mouth has to offer. He hugs his waist with one hand and pushes Renjun down on the bed.

He breaks away to press a kiss to Renjun’s temple, then his nose, then at the hollow beneath his earlobe. The action is so gentle, so kind and tender and so _full of love_ Renjun doesn’t know what to do.

A thought crosses his mind – _he’s not deserving._

Renjun blinks up at the ceiling, a stray tear rolls down his cheek. His heart weighs like an anchor in his chest. Jeno kisses the bulge of his throat and breathes him in.

“You smell like citrus.”

Another tear escapes the corner of his eye and disappears into his hair. He feels more pain than bliss. Deep down, he’s been craving this for so long, yet he can’t shake off the guilt that haunts him.

Renjun is a terrible, terrible friend.

Jeno presses his lips to Renjun’s jaw, inching towards his lips only for Renjun to tilt his face away.

Jeno freezes, looking at him with concern. He thumbs away the tear that beads at the corner of Renjun’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, but judging by the way he lifts himself off Renjun, ready to remove himself entirely upon his command, Jeno already knows.

“I’m sorry,” is all Renjun can manage, voice barely a whisper. The phantom warmth of Jeno’s lips against his speedily creeping up on him as Jeno pushes off him,

“Right,” Jeno nods, swallowing thickly as he climbs off the bed.

“I’m sorry,” he says again as Jeno runs a hand through his hair, looking anywhere but at Renjun.

“I love you,” he whispers into the air. But Jeno’s long left, and there is no one to hear him but silence.

-

Jeno feels like a colossal idiot.

“You are!” Yeeun snaps, bustling around the kitchen as she makes lunch, “I can’t believe I have to bear a little brother as dumb as you!”

Jeno hangs his head and doesn’t say more.

For starters, he has no idea why he decided to visit home now when in a few weeks’ time, he’ll be returning for good. He also has no idea how Yeeun took one look at him and instantly managed to figure out something was wrong. Adding to that, how she managed to pry the details of Jeno’s pathetic and terrible love life out is beyond him.

The kiss with Renjun two nights ago was nothing short of a dream come true, and in his moment of euphoria, Jeno let the spark of hope fan into a flame that consumed him whole.

He was naïve to think that Renjun would so easily and so openly return his affections. Naïve to think now that whatever he and Chaewon had is no more, he and Renjun would have a chance.

On the bright side, it does confirm Jeno’s suspicion that Renjun likes him back and was only suppressing himself for Chaewon. Yet, the realization does little to make him feel better since it doesn’t really change anything between them. Renjun is still pulling away. Still just out of reach.

“Jeno, listen to me,” Yeeun stands across him with a platter of vegetables, a knife, and a chopping board. She sets the things down on the table and hacks away at the poor cauliflower. Jeno jumps with every dull thud of the blade against the wood, the snap of the stalk.

“You’re an idiot, and you can’t fix this.”

Great. Nothing Jeno isn’t aware of already.

“Had you told him the truth sooner, this mess still would’ve happened and you guys still wouldn’t be talking,” she waves the knife around with her gestures. Jeno watches the light glint off the blade, swallowing.

“But,” she adds, “it would’ve been fixable. It might’ve taken some time but you could’ve fixed things and prevented this –“ she draws circles in the air with the knife, thinking, “ – this Chaewon would’ve been less hurt _if_ you didn’t let her feelings stew and cook for so long.” She sets the chopped cauliflower aside in an empty pot and cuts up some peppers, skilled hands making quick work across the board, “you can’t ask Renjun to be with you now even if he does like you because he’ll be betraying his friend. You don’t think she’s dumb, do you?”

Jeno shakes his head vigorously.

“So, of course, she’s gonna know if you two just start dating now, that you liked each other from before, even while she and you were doing… _whatever_. Especially, considering your relationship with Renjun. Don’t you think that’ll hurt her? That she’ll be upset with Renjun? Maybe, she won’t hate him, I don’t know how well they get on but, she will be hurt. And by what you’re saying, if Renjun would, quote on quote, _die for her,_ then you can’t expect him to just give in to you. In fact, I respect his decision of sticking by her because _she_ is the one hurt now. Do you understand, Jeno? You can’t do anything more. Only Renjun or Chaewon can do something about it.”

He nods slowly, keeping his eyes on his lap. Yeeun’s words were harsh, but not untrue, and definitely not things Jeno hasn’t thought of before. Of course, he’s considered all of this before. He knows why Renjun pushed him away after kissing him. He knows why Renjun is back to ignoring his existence.

But is it so bad that in spite of it all, Jeno still wants him?

“I’m disappointed in you, Jeno,” She adds, driving the knife deeper into his heart, “you… I know you were scared of losing him or, or thinking that the truth would affect your closeness with him but… is this any better? How long were you gonna keep this up for anyway?”

She sighs in irritation, turning back to the stove.

“I’m sorry,” he says, barely a whisper, eyes pooling over with the beginning of tears. His chest twists.

Yeeun doesn’t miss his words, though, and she turns down the fire before coming to his side. She tucks his hair behind his ears and sighs again.

“What do you want to do now?”

Jeno shrugs, “nothing I can do.”

“Maybe… maybe this is a good thing, Jeno. Maybe, this is saving you from something else that’ll hurt you even more if you guys got together,” she consoles him, tone gentle and soft now. She pets his hair.

Jeno thinks about training. The long months away.

“Maybe.” A while later, he speaks again, a murmur, “I want to come home.”

Perhaps the distance will be good for them. Perhaps the distance will be good for Renjun. They’ll have the space and time to think without having to worry about bumping into each other and any awkwardness that’ll follow. Maybe Chaewon as well will benefit from it. Maybe one day, she will forgive him and then –

And then, _what?_

“You don’t have to give up your slot until they find someone else who wants your room,” Yeeun reminds him, a hand on his back, “are you sure?”

Jeno nods, “yeah… I think I should…”

“Okay,” she pats his head, sighing, “mum and I will be over next week to bring your things. Sound good?”

Jeno heads back to the dorms the next day and starts packing up. Seeing as he didn’t bring much to the dorms to start with, and hasn’t stayed long enough to accumulate belongings, packing now isn’t really necessary when he has a whole week to do so.

But the dorms are eerily quiet, Jaemin won’t stop staring at him with mounting concern, and Jeno needs the distraction.

He sorts through his video games, creating two stacks – one to take home, one to leave for his friends. Jaemin sits on his bed, pretending to read a magazine but is really watching Jeno over the edge of the page.

“If you have something to say, just say it,” Jeno tells him without looking back.

Jaemin’s eyes continue to peel away at him, “what happened with you and Renjun?”

“You know what happened.”

“No. I know something happened _recently_ , which is what’s making you so antsy to leave. What did he do?”

Jeno frowns at Jaemin’s accusing tone, at the hint of rebuke and distaste that laces his words.

“Don’t say it like that. Renjun didn’t do anything.”

He looks back just in time to catch Jaemin roll his eyes. He clenches his jaw.

“Jaemin.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“He didn’t do anything that I didn’t let, so, don’t blame him.”

At that, Jaemin’s eyes widen, shining, “oh? So he – sorry – you two did –“

A tiny knock at the door stops him. Visibly annoyed at being interrupted, he huffs and stands up to get it. Jeno inaudibly sighs from relief.

“Renjun?”

Jeno freezes.

“What do you want?” He hears Jaemin ask, reproach clear in his tone. Jeno scowls.

“Is Jeno here?” Renjun asks, so sweetly and so timidly. The power he yields over Jeno is witchcraft.

Jaemin looks over his shoulder, letting Renjun in after receiving a nod from Jeno.

“Hey,” Renjun greets him, eyes wandering over the bags on the bed, “what… what’s going on?”

“I’m packing,” Jeno tells him casually. There’s no point hiding it now since Renjun will find out eventually. As he has learned the hard way, dealing with the inevitable sooner is always better than later.

Renjun looks surprised and slightly… slightly hurt. Or perhaps that’s just Jeno thinking wishfully again.

“Already?”

“I leave next week.”

“Oh…” Renjun’s eyes dart around nervously. Silence befalls over them, only disturbed by the sound of Jaemin breathing heavily in the corner as he watches them.

“Jaemin, can you…”

Surprisingly, Jaemin doesn’t argue and leaves the room right away, but not without sending one worried glance back over his shoulder.

Once the door is clicked shut, Jeno turns his attention back to Renjun.

“You’re going so soon,” Renjun murmurs, one hand squeezing around his other wrist, “d-did someone file for the room already?”

“No, but whether someone does or not, I’ll still have to leave. No difference if it’s now or then.”

His own words are harsher in his ears than he would’ve liked to sound, too blunt for his own liking. It’s not that he’s purposely trying to brush Renjun off. Heck, Jeno is s _till_ wanting the exact opposite. But it’s a natural response to what their relationship has become.

It sucks because Jeno’s already sad about leaving Renjun, but is now leaving him on bad terms.

It sucks because this is not the way he had imagined, hoped, _prayed_ for things to go.

It sucks because, despite all his resolutions of _healthy distance_ and _taking time to heal_ , Jeno still loves him. Wants him.

Renjun laughs a laugh that sounds something more like a broken sob. A punch right into Jeno’s heart.

“So eager to leave… is it… is it because of me?”

The heartbreak spilling out with Renjun’s voice is enough to explode Jeno chest open. He reaches out, combing back Renjun’s hair with gentle strokes, damning _distance_ and other rationalities.

But he doesn’t say no.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno whispers as Renjun shakes his head and hugs around his middle.

“Stop saying that… stop being sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry,” Renjun buries his face into Jeno’s neck, pressing wet lashes to bare skin, “I wanted to say that... for that night. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that and then pushed you away. I wanted to… I wanted to talk to you about it but I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jeno. I wish – I really wish I could bring myself to –“

Jeno strokes his back with one hand, prying Renjun’s face off with the other to get a good look at him. He inches down stagnantly, testing the waters. Renjun closes his eyes and leans up a little, and so Jeno kisses him. A sweet, chaste, peck to his lips.

When he pulls back, he feels Renjun still in his arms. The reality of his actions, of his impulsiveness, hitting him as it did that night they kissed.

Jeno slackens his grip around him, but at quick notice, Renjun holds onto him tighter.

“No, no!” He shouts, so Jeno holds him close again, “I didn’t… it’s not…”

“It’s okay, I get it,” Jeno says, hooking his chin over Renjun’s shoulder, drawing soothing patterns across his back.

“Maybe if… if we had more time I could tell her… maybe then…” Renjun mutters into his shoulder. Jeno can feel his heartbeat against his ribs.

Without saying anything else, Renjun clings to Jeno’s middle and releases a shaky sigh. Jeno holds him close and does the same.

Renjun is right, of course. It’s a thought that Jeno’s already entertained before, that if they had time, and in that time Chaewon forgave him, then maybe he would stand a chance with Renjun.

But as the saying goes, time waits for no one. Especially not for a hopeless teenage boy’s first love.

As if on cue, Renjun’s phone vibrates in his back pocket. The sound stirs them out of their embrace as Renjun moves to check his phone.

His brows pinch for a fraction of a second, “it’s Chae.”

“You’re not picking up?”

Renjun stares at the picture of Chaewon lit up on the screen, a peace sign held to her cheek, a broad smile spread across her lips.

“I’ll… I’ll be right back, okay? Just gonna see what she wants.”

“Okay,” Jeno nods, watching as Renjun turns away, phone pressed against his ear. His chirpy call of ‘ _hey Chae’_ becomes muted behind the door as he pulls it shut behind him.

Chaewon returns to the campus that evening, and needless to say, Jeno doesn’t see Renjun for the rest of the day.

-

Renjun doesn’t see Jeno the next day, or the day after that. In earlier cases, this would be ideal, but right now, it’s his living nightmare.

Every day that passes without seeing Jeno is another day closer to never being able to see him again. Not whenever Renjun wants to, at least. And this knowledge only grows like a tumour at the back of his brain as time slips through his fingers uncontrollably.

After Chaewon comes back to campus, things seemingly proceed as usual. She returns visibly refreshed and chirpier – the little getaway to see her family obviously has done her well. Renjun is set to visit home in two weeks’ time, during his week off from his internship. He hopes that his trip will do the same for him.

They hang out around Renjun’s room or the library, or Chaewon whisks him off to a new café she saw on someone’s Instagram story, and when Yangyang comes back and completes their triad, they effortlessly slip back to the routine during their _Jeno-vacation_.

Except, Renjun is the only one who can’t get him out of his mind.

Though he knows for a fact that Yangyang has been talking to Jeno, which is expected since they’ve been teammates for a while and Yangyang will surely miss Jeno’s presence on the field. He let it slip one day when the three of them were laying on the field of a park they chanced upon close to the campus, that Jeno will be leaving the dorms in a couple of days.

Chaewon sat up and looked vaguely surprised, “so soon?”

She looked to Renjun and very obviously expected him to react as well, or at least, expand on the information. But Renjun looked ahead at the cloud floating above them, jaw locked in place.

“Did you know about this?” She finally asked, but Renjun didn’t answer. Eventually, she grew fed up of his silence and didn’t press further.

It’s been like this a lot recently. Every day, Renjun is more and more exhausted than the last, finding himself unable to keep up with the pace of Yangyang’s energy and Chaewon’s never-ending chatter. It is less obvious when it’s the three of them together, and Renjun can simply sit back and let the two of them carry on. But on afternoons like today, where it’s just him and Chaewon, the difference is starkly obvious.

“Rennn,” Chaewon whines, laying across his lap. She prods his cheek, “what’s wrong? You’ve been so quiet lately.”

Renjun manages a smile and shakes his head, “just – work.”

“Oh yeah,” she pats his cheek, “only two more weeks, don’t worry. Then you can finally go home,” then she adds with a frown and a cry, “until class starts all over again!”

By instinct, Renjun finds himself threading his fingers through her hair, long, dark locks flowing onto the couch cushions. The lounge is empty and the TV is turned on to a random kids’ channel. Chaewon lets him play with her hair, a smile spread across her lips as the little dinosaur on the screen dances around.

“I thought you weren’t gonna come back until the break was over,” Renjun hears himself say, fingers rubbing against her scalp soothingly.

“Hmm, I was, but then I remembered you were all alone, so I came back. I’ll go back again with you.”

While the sentiment is sweet, Renjun can’t help but think differently. If Chaewon wasn’t here, Renjun could’ve spent this time with Jeno without worry. He could’ve talked things over with him more thoroughly – about them, about Chaewon, about where to go from here.

But instead, he is compelled to tread warily. Chaewon might say she is over it and to let bygones be bygones, but Renjun knows well that a broken heart isn’t so easy to mend. Time heals all wounds, and as hours bleed into days and days into months, she will _truly_ be over it. But not just yet.

Slowly, slowly, the heartbreak will sting less and less until one day she won’t hurt at all. That is the day Renjun is waiting for, except, the world isn’t waiting for him.

Shoving the bitter thoughts aside, Renjun tells himself that it’s no big deal. As long as Chaewon is happy, he is too. He thinks about what could be worse than the current situation, which is him hurting Chaewon, the look of utter betrayal on her face, and tells himself, again and again, this is fine.

_This is fine._

Of course, as his luck would have it, it is mere minutes after his little internal pep-talk to himself does Jeno accidentally stumble into the lounge, freezing at the sight of them.

Chaewon sits up immediately, equally surprised.

“Sorry,” Jeno quips, walking back out, “I didn’t know –“

“Oh, no, no. It’s a common space,” Chaewon clears her throat, “you can stay.”

Jeno’s eyes dart up to meet Renjun’s, whose breath hitches instantly. It’s funny how days of not seeing the other feels like years.

Chaewon bites her lip, looking back over her shoulder at Renjun, then back at Jeno. Renjun tears his eyes away to the floor.

“It’s fine. I was just gonna wait here for Jaemin but I’ll wait,” Jeno vaguely gestures to the front door in explanation. Then without another word, turns and walks away.

For a while longer, Chaewon wistfully stares at the spot where Jeno had been standing. She sighs before turning back to face Renjun, watching the way his expression remains stone cold.

“You okay?”

“Huh?” Renjun whips his head around to face her, nodding quickly, “yeah, yeah of course.”

“Did you and Jeno fight again?” She asks, brows knitted with concern.

Renjun doesn’t know what to make of it, so he doesn’t say anything.

“You shouldn’t fight when he’s leaving so soon, Ren,” she continues, words laced with the chiding tone of a mother, “you should make up before he leaves.”

He frowns at her, “… you want me to?”

“Yeah, of course?” She crosses her legs and shifts to face him head-on, “look, I’m not an idiot. I know we’ve been _anti-Jeno_ for the past couple of weeks but really that’s… it’s what I needed but I don’t want it to continue forever? And definitely not with you! You think I don’t know that it was just to make me feel better?” She says with a chuckle, eyes flitting down to her lap, “I know Yangyang was just trying to cheer me up, and it did, at the moment, but it’s not reasonable to continue like that forever.”

When Renjun looks at her with a growing puzzled expression, she continues.

“Ren, I don’t want you to not be friends with Jeno because of me. Even I hope that one day, we can at least go back to being friends. Jeno’s a genuinely nice guy, and despite everything I know that he does care for…” she drifts off, bites her lips.

“I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you, Chae. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Well, that can’t really be helped…” she mutters under breath, then pipes louder, “that doesn’t matter! Look, I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m… completely over it. But then again, I also know that it’s not entirely his fault either. I just have to get over it. It’ll hurt a little seeing him and I won’t be able to stop remembering… everything… I spent a lot of energy on this after all. But I… I don’t want you of all people to stop hanging out with him for _my_ sake.”

Renjun’s heart wilts as her tone gets softer and she withdraws within herself, folding her knees to her chest.

“Chae –“

“Do you hear me, Huang Renjun?” She says, as grumpily as possible which in her current position, isn’t very convincing, “don’t… don’t push him away!”

Watching her now, Renjun’s heart swells with pride and affection. How could he have possibly felt bitter towards her before? How could he have been such a terrible friend? How could he now, after witnessing Chaewon’s chivalry and sacrifice for him, even think about going to Jeno?

Wouldn’t that make him a horribly unredeemable friend?

Chaewon clearly said it’ll hurt a little seeing him, so it’s only bound to hurt more if she sees him and Jeno the way they are when together, right?

Right, he asserts for himself. He reaches out to smooth Chaewon’s hair down.

“So you two are gonna…?”

“Talk. We’ll talk, Chae, don’t worry.”

For a split second, Chaewon almost looks troubled, eyes cast off somewhere distant over Renjun’s shoulder. But with a sigh and shake of her head, a smile bigger than any he’s seen from her lately, it’s gone, replaced with elation.

“Good.”

The next day, Chaewon goes out with Tanya, so Renjun uses the time to see Jeno.

Chaewon’s words from the previous day did not come as all that of a shock to him. He’s known her long enough to know how resilient she can be, and how she isn’t the type to live in her head for too long.

But, it’s also as she said. For a while, even now, it’ll hurt a little, and eventually less and less each day. And for Renjun, as long as the possibility of her feeling the slightest bit uneasy or upset exists, he will not pursue Jeno.

Or, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Unfortunately for him, all and any rationality melts away as soon as his eyes lay upon Jeno. It’s as if Renjun’s lost complete control of his heart and can’t will it even if he tries to keep Jeno at a friendly distance. _Friendly distance_.

No. Instead, Renjun sees him in the hall, or in the kitchen, or hears his laugh ring loud from inside his room when Renjun walks past and all he can think of Jeno’s lips against his own. The comforting pressure of his hand on his back. The warmth surging through his veins when they kiss, the flutters in his stomach.

The smell of Jeno’s cologne, the way his lashes flutter close when they kiss. The way he breathes and holds Renjun so securely as if he’s never going to let go.

All Renjun can think about is how much he really, really likes him.

All he can think about is Jeno, Jeno, Jeno.

Which is how he ends up at the third floor of the library building, watching from distance away at Jeno who sits in the booth right at the back, asleep under the mellow sunlight of a winter’s day filtering in through the window. He looks peaceful – eyes closed as he props his head upon his fist, cheek adorably squished from the pressure – and Renjun is winded.

He eventually makes his way over, quietly so as not to disturb Jeno, but the latter opens his eyes as soon as Renjun slides into the seat beside him.

“Hey,” Jeno smiles at him fondly as Renjun returns the same.

“I went to look for you in your room. Jaemin said you went out,” Renjun tells him, shuffling closer until their thighs and knees touch. It’s because it’s cold, he tells himself. Control. Control.

“And you instantly knew I’d be here?”

It’s something like déjà vu: Jeno’s words, the teasing yet affectionate lilt to his voice. The way his stardust gathers at the crinkles of his eyes.

“Of course,” Renjun says with a grin, clicking his tongue, “I just know you too well.”

“Do you now?”

Renjun leans onto Jeno’s shoulder and slides his arm under his. He splays open Jeno’s palm on the table and prods at the groves and curves of his hand.

“What’re you doing here?” Jeno asks him, “is Chaewon…”

“She’s out with her friend,” Renjun answers him quickly, growing defensive at the mention of her name. He closes his hand and holds it away from Jeno, but doesn’t have the full strength to pull away from him entirely.

Control. Control.

“Ah,” Jeno says simply, nodding like he understands. Like he’s inwardly saying, _of course._

“I wanted to see you,” Renjun tries to soothe the sudden tension in the air. Though he knows it is what it is – Renjun is only here with Jeno because Chaewon isn’t around. It’s a sour truth, but it is the truth nonetheless.

“When are you leaving?” He continues.

“Thursday,” Jeno says, letting Renjun play with his palm again, his fingers dancing across the lines for head and heart.

Renjun’s voice catches as he speaks, “that’s so… soon.”

“I haven’t called to confirm with my mum though. I’ll call and let her know soon if I still want her to come then.”

“Can you not go so soon?” Renjun says with a laugh that makes his chest hurt and his throat dry up. He clings onto Jeno hand and stares at their interlocked fingers. He swallows with much difficulty and continues in the same light-hearted manner, “I mean, I’m going back next week. You can just go back with me.”

 _And Chae_ , his brain provides, but he shoves the thought aside. He grips onto Jeno’s hand until his knuckles grow white.

Jeno screws his eyes towards the linked hands, “and what difference will that make, Ren?”

Renjun doesn’t answer, doesn’t look at him. He knows, deep down, that it will just carry on like this – meeting when Chaewon isn’t around. And if they do meet in her presence, as she so valiantly encouraged, it will still have to be on the clear basis of friendship.

But, all things considered, Renjun knows that they can’t just be friends anymore. Especially not now that he’s lost control of his desires, going so far as to kissing Jeno more than once. They can never go back from that, and any attempt will only result in more pain for himself, and worse, for Jeno.

Now that his true feelings have been spilled out into the open, there is no way to take them back.

“Ren,” Jeno shifts in his seat, facing him. He places a firm hand on Renjun’s thigh, “what… what are you going to do now? What do you want to do?”

The afternoon sunlight forms a golden ring around his form. Renjun stares, mesmerised at the way the light floats around him.

His eyes dart down to Jeno’s lips, a little dry, a little red. He remembers how they felt pressed against his lips, desperate and wanting.

“I want to kiss you.”

It’s clearly not the answer Jeno was expecting, so he startles back. Then, expression growing soft and a hand coming up to up Renjun’s cheeks, he leans forward, vision cloudy with want as he whispers, “then, go ahead.”

And Renjun closes the remainder of the distance, pushing his lips against Jeno messily. Jeno tilts his head and parts for a fraction of a second to kiss him back properly.

Renjun grips his shoulder tight, another hand reaching around to the back of his neck. His skin tingles pleasantly at the warmth from the light, from Jeno’s lips. His toes curl, and he sighs into Jeno’s mouth.

Jeno’s tongue slides along the seam of Renjun’s mouth, his hand a brand on Renjun’s hip, scalding. He moves his lips languidly over Renjun’s, tantalizingly pressing his thumb into the curve of Renjun’s hip where he knows – somehow, he just _knows_ – will make the latter whimper.

And Renjun _crumbles_ , whimpering into his mouth. He’d be dying of shame if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re already kissing like this in a very open, very public space where anyone could see them at any moment. But Jeno’s touches are grounding and he kisses both gently and passionately and Renjun likes him so, so much he can’t stop even if he wants to. Complete mush at Jeno’s mercy.

When he sighs into his mouth, pushing up on his seat and deepening the kiss, Jeno has the gall to smirk against his lips, and Renjun is torn between wanting to smack his chest or throw a leg over his lap, push him back down on the seat and –

A sharp gasp and light footsteps snap him awake. Long, black locks flutter at the corner of his eye, as the all too familiar figure flees down the stairs.

“Chaewon,” Renjun breathes out, the air in his lungs escaping him at record speed. He pushes off Jeno immediately, legs wobbling as he slides out of the booth. His throat thickens, voice hoarse with the beginning of tears. Pressure builds in his chest, head, the back of his eyes. The room spins.

“Chae!” He yells, uncaring for the scowls of the students around him as he speeds down the stairs.

“Chaewon!” He shouts again, pleading, as the figure in front of him disappears out the front door.

“CHAE!” He screams, tears spilling over onto his cheeks, every breath stinging like knives in his chest when he runs out the door and onto the walk, turning after Chaewon.

His heart beats loud in his ears, a sharp pain spreading between his shoulder blades. His body trembles uncontrollably and his fast strides have dissolved into staggering steps. He’s about to fall on his knees when a pair of arms wrap around him from behind.

“Ren,” Jeno says against his ear, soft and stern at the same time, “Ren, stop.”

Renjun shakes his head, trying to wrench out of Jeno’s hold, “no, nonono, you don’t understand. You don’t understand!”

“Renjun, stop. Just – just wait. Wait –“

“I can’t!” Renjun cries, “I have to explain, I have to tell her I’m sorry I –“

“Ren.”

He wilts, the last of his energy leaving him with a broken sob, “what’s wrong with me? How could I – _what’s_ _wrong with me?!_

Jeno turns him around slowly and hugs him to his chest, “Renjun, there’s nothing wrong with you. Please just – just wait. I’m sorry, but you’re both emotional right now and just – you need to give her time. You both should calm down first, okay?”

Renjun sniffs, trembling as Jeno strokes his back and mumbles apologies repeatedly.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Renjun wants to tell him that it isn’t his fault, but he doesn’t have the energy nor the voice to speak up.

So he lets Jeno hold him, simply hold him and soothe his sobs into quiet, trembling, exhales.

Jeno doesn’t let him go until nightfall. In spite of the cold, he takes Renjun to get ice-cream and then they sit in silence at the park for hours until Renjun finally speaks again, telling him he’s tired and wants to go home.

On the walk back to campus, Jeno keeps a considerable distance away so as not to impose on Renjun’s space as the latter walks ahead in a daze. Still, he remains close enough to catch Renjun should he lose himself again.

When they arrive back at the dorms, Renjun stops and faces him, pulling him behind the elevators.

He hugs him, “thanks.”

“I’ll be here, okay?” Jeno pulls away to cup his cheeks. He tips forward and presses their heads together, “I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be right here.”

Renjun knows his words are meant to be comforting, but right now they hit more like a stinging reminder of the day’s events – of what he’s possibly lost. His mind reels dizzyingly as he thinks about Chaewon again, the way her heart must’ve dropped to her knees, the utter disappointment and shock. The way she ran away from him.

The irony: Jeno is here and will continue to be here, because Chaewon isn’t and maybe, maybe, will never be again.

 _Isn’t that what he wanted?_ An evil voice at the back of his mind leers.

Panic stabs through his chest at the thought and Renjun finds himself subconsciously pulling away from Jeno’s touch. At Jeno’s surprise, he clears his throat and tries his best to look apologetic.

Jeno seems to understand and steps back.

What surprises him however, when they walk into the hall of their dorm rooms, is Chaewon crouched outside Renjun’s door, head tucked into between her knees.

At the sound of their footsteps, she startles up.

Renjun freezes, watching her carefully. He won’t take a step unless she gives the approval, even though right now there is nothing more he wants to do than to rush to her side.

Her eyes flit to Jeno, then back to him, “Ren.”

And it’s all it takes for Jeno to push him forward.

Renjun whips his head back, expression scrunched with confusion, but Jeno only gives him a tight smile before dipping into his own room.

“Ren, can we talk?” Chaewon’s voice snaps him awake. He nods, slowly approaching her, apology ready on his tongue.

But strangely, Chaewon apologises first.

“I’m sorry I ran!” She says hurriedly right as they enter his room.

The door clicks shut behind him, “what?”

She lunges forth and hugs him, sending him staggering back, “I’m sorry I ran, Ren, I’m sorry I didn’t stop. I heard you yelling after me but I was just so startled I – I didn’t think what it was doing to you and I –“

Renjun pushes her back and looks her in the eye. Voice trembling, he parrots, “w _hat?_ Why are _you_ sorry?”

“Because I knew! Because I knew it was bound to happen and I’ve always sort of known and despite telling myself to be prepared and to be happy for you I still freaked out and couldn’t stop hurting and I –“

“Chaewon, slow down,” he pulls her to sit beside him on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” she breathes out heavily, hanging her head, “I didn’t tell you more clearly that I knew Jeno liked you. I kept telling it to myself but when it came to telling you it felt like – like it was true and then my heart just went _pang_ and so I was trying to drop hints, hoping that you’d get it and then you did – I guess – but when I saw you two today I – I want to be so happy for you, Ren,” she grips his hands, “I want to be completely, entirely happy for you and I am but there’s also –“

She breaks off, rubbing the space just above her chest.

“It also hurts because it wasn’t you,” Renjun finishes.

Chaewon bows her head, sighing dejectedly. After a while, she whispers, voice watery, “why didn’t you just tell me?

At that, Renjun switches their hands so now he’s the one gripping hers, “I’m sorry, Chae. I should’ve told you immediately when I knew but I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Looking at the situation now, Renjun’s obviously failed to accomplish that either way. The hypocrisy of his statement stares him right in the face, sends a chill down his spine.

Chaewon lifts her gaze; her eyes fill with tears, “do you think I’m a child? That I couldn’t handle you telling me earlier more than I can handle this?”

Renjun falls silent, now his turn to hang his head guiltily.

“You know when I realised that Jeno didn’t like me, after being sad for a while, all I could think about was how my blindness to Jeno’s true feelings stalled him from being with someone he might actually like. And then the fog cleared and I realized it was _you_ that he liked and I – I was so mad that I didn’t see it sooner because then all this time, you could’ve been happy with him. I was so upset that I kept you, my best friend, from someone who genuinely likes you – I couldn’t even face you!”

“And it hurt, yes,” she continues with a nod, eyes trained on Renjun’s, “I was so bummed that it wasn’t me because I really did like him. I couldn’t come to terms with it for a while and I kept trying to convince myself that it was okay because it’s _you_! That’s why I – I kept pushing you two to talk, thinking that if you guys got together, I could handle it.”

She chuckles lightly and pushes her bangs away from her eyes, “I might’ve overestimated myself right there. But Ren,” she squeezes his hands, “I’m sorry I put you in a position where you felt like you couldn’t tell me. I’m sorry I always let you be the one to step back. I’m sorry that I haven’t always been a supportive friend for you when you have for me. I’m still – I’m still working on it now. Give me some time, yeah? I want to be the one pushing you forward from now on, okay? So no more protecting my feelings or anything like that, okay? I need to be able to face things directly so _this_ doesn’t happen again.”

Renjun doesn’t realize he’s crying until a salty tear slips in between his lips.

“Chae,” he warbles, sniffling terribly, “Chaewon.”

“Oh my God,” she rolls her eyes but reaches out to wipe his tears with her sleeve. A fond smile stretches across her lips as tears start to gleam in her eyes, “don’t cry, idiot!”

He rushes forward, swallowing her in a hug, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! It’s my fault too, I should’ve told you from the beginning that I liked him and then none of this would’ve happened –“

“That’s not entirely your fault! Did you not –“

“But it still could’ve been avoided. I was still dishonest and I should’ve told you that we – we –“

Chaewon stops him by lightly smacking both his cheeks, subsequently squishing them, “stop. I know you felt guilty. I know you still feel guilty. But I don’t want you to, okay? I want you to relax now, and be with him, happily. It’s time you stop worrying about me and think about yourself, okay? Or do you think I’m not good enough to protect and care for you like you do for me?”

“Of course not!”

“Then, that settles it.”

And it does – sort of. Chaewon kicks back and lies down facing the ceiling, a soft smile on her face. There’s a new hint of clarity to it. She’s no longer dreaming, and perhaps, that’s a good thing.

It takes a while for Renjun to finally join her and lay down too. He doesn’t know what he’s meant to feel right now. Happy? No, that feels wrong. But sad doesn’t feel right either. There’s still pressure on his chest but he’s not sure of what, and he sort of wants to cry.

“Do you like him?” He hears Chaewon ask quietly. Then she faces him and asks again, “do you like Jeno?”

He swallows down the guilt rising up his throat – _how long before he stops feeling like this? –_ and gives her the truth she wants – needs – to hear, “I do.”

Chaewon stills for a split second, then smiles widely, “okay, good. Good.”

They talk deep into the night, sharing things that they’ve never told the other before and even things they both know too well, but the memories are too fond to not visit again. The conversation doesn’t steer clear of Jeno, but doesn’t focus on him either.

For Chaewon’s sake, that’s a good thing – Renjun thinks to himself instinctively before remembering that’s not what they settled on moving forward.

So, curiosity itching between his collarbones, he asks, “when did you realize he didn’t like you?”

Chaewon’s eyes widen a fraction. They glint under the slowly dying light of his room.

“To be honest, it was when he stopped trying. I think at one point, Jeno got fed up and just stopped putting in any effort, let alone the vicarious amounts he was giving me during the summer. This is gonna sound silly, like something you’d say,” she teases, her lips catching at the corner, “but that’s when I stopped seeing him as _Prince Charming_ and realised he’s just a boy. It took me a while to wrap my head around it fully, but, that’s when I stopped pushing.”

Renjun swallows. He can’t imagine what it must’ve felt like at that moment to have your dreams crushed. But then again, maybe, Jeno wasn’t meant to be a dream in the first place. He’s just a boy. A boy who Renjun happens to be very, very fond of – his brain supplies quickly.

Chaewon catches him smiling and continues, affection and playfulness punctuating her words, “you know when I realised he liked you? Well, of course, there was the carnival day, which sort of _certified_ my guesses, but it was the way he always made the conversation about you. He’d always light up at the mention of your name – and I mean that, really.”

She makes a gesture with her fingers blinking open that makes Renjun both giggle and feel mortified.

“God, he’s such a _dork_.”

Chaewon cackles, “he’s _your dork_ now!”

“Oh, shut up!” He half-yells, pushing her over.

“You should settle things with him soon,” she tells him after a beat of silence.

Renjun stares at the ceiling, at its awfully plain cream colour. He has a few more years left in this room. Maybe he should add some star stickers after all.

“I will, but not tonight. Tonight is for us.”

Chaewon turns to him with a smile so brilliant Renjun almost has to look away. For the first time in a while, she looks genuinely happy and free. For the first time in a while, Renjun’s heart lightens.

He reaches out and sweeps her hair away from her eyes, observing the way the dark-brown of her eyes turn into caramel under the light, clear and shining.

-

Jeno’s been waiting around in his room doing absolutely nothing except anxiously waiting for Renjun to knock on the door and tell him s _omething_. He’s been preparing himself for the best – for Renjun – and worst – for him – since that’s most likely what’ll result of the situation.

Chaewon caught them in a completely compromising position, and in light of the way recent events have been going, there is a very minimal chance that the three of them will emerge unscathed. There’s no way Renjun will ever choose Jeno over Chaewon, but he can’t help but wonder if now, after everything they’ve done, Renjun will so easily choose Chaewon over Jeno.

As for himself, he doesn’t know what he wants Renjun to do anymore. He can’t lie to himself and say he’d rather Renjun choose Chaewon for the sake of them both because it’d destroy him, but he doesn’t want Renjun to choose him and subsequently destroy his relationship with Chaewon.

So, he lies down in pitiful misery and groans loudly, in tune with the whir of the fan from Jaemin’s pc.

“Can you shut up?! God, you’re driving me insane!” Jaemin snaps angrily, furiously clicking away on the keyboard, “we were supposed to go home today but you wanted to go back next week, and for what?! FOR THIS?!”

“I’m waiting to hear from Renjun,” Jeno mumbles, rolling over, hugging his pillow to his chest.

Jaemin _pew-pews_ another player to death, “you’re always waiting for him. Maybe make him wait for you now?”

“You don’t think him setting his own feelings aside for the sake of someone else is enough?” Jeno bites back just as quickly, and Jaemin promptly shuts up.

“Sorry,” he says, sparing a glance away from his game to look at Jeno, “I don’t hate him, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just want the best for you.”

“I know, Jaemin, it’s okay.”

The sound of feet shuffling right outside their door stirs Jeno to sit up. Curiously, he listens closely to the murmurs from outside.

“Oh my God, Renjun! Get back here!”

“I said I’ll talk to him!”

“It’s been two days!”

“I’m still thinking of what to say!”

“Then don’t say anything – just plant him a fat one right on his lips and get down to business or something!”

“Chae!”

Jeno opens the door upon the first knock. He’s greeted by a smiling Chaewon who stares him down with an assertiveness that surprises him.

“Jeno.” She simply says.

“Chaewon…?”

Then, Chaewon reaches to the side. And then, Renjun is being thrown – _thrown_ – into his arms.

Renjun hides his face behind his hands and buries into Jeno’s chest.

“What the fuck?” Jaemin squawks from behind them, an equal look of w _hat-the-fuck_ creasing his features.

Chaewon smiles almost wickedly – it sends a chill down Jeno’s spine – and calls to Jaemin from over Jeno’s shoulder.

“Jaemin, let’s go downstairs for a bit.”

The said boy gapes, looking between Chaewon, Jeno, Renjun, and then his paused game.

“Alright,” he says and gets up to follow Chaewon out the door.

And then there were two.

“Hey,” Jeno pries Renjun’s hands away from his face. It’s bright red. He tries to stifle a laugh but fails.

“Don’t laugh! I’m very embarrassed right now! God, I hate Chaewon…”

He looks so cute when he’s angry. All puffed up and red. Jeno wants to kiss him.

“What’s going on?” He asks instead.

Renjun mumbles something incoherently under his breath. Jeno leans down to hear him better, but Renjun must think he’s leaning in for a kiss because he jumps away.

“W-w-w-w-wait! I have things to say!” He yells, holding his hands out to keep Jeno away. He backs up against the door, “we kinda jumped the hurdle and since – since from here on now, we want to do this right –“

Jeno’s heart flutters. His breathing stops. His stomach flips.

“We should talk, a little bit.”

“Okay,” Jeno squeezes out. It’s almost too good – too sudden – to be true, “go on.”

Renjun takes a deep breath. And then another. And then another.

The wait is _killing_ Jeno. He just wants to kiss him already.

“I l-like you.”

The confession is so simple, so delicate, so juvenile that Jeno would laugh if his own dramatic confession didn’t ring clear in his mind. And Renjun is so goddamn nervous it’s adorable. His hands fidget with the hem of his shirt, the tips of his ears are tinged pink, and his voice wavers.

Then, with rising confidence, Renjun lifts his eyes to Jeno’s vision.

“I like you, Lee Jeno. Maybe more than that. Probably, most definitely more than that.”

And it’s this one that packs a punch. Jeno is winded by the rawness of Renjun’s emotions, the way his eyes are wide with hope and a touch of fear, the intensity behind his gaze, and the way his voice cracks from the brutal honesty of his words. Straight from the heart.

Jeno takes a deep breath, “anything else?”

Renjun scratches the back of his head, “there was a lot that I needed to address – that we needed to address but, I can’t remember anything right now…”

“Okay, so can I say it back now?”

The smile that curves on Renjun’s face is _beautiful_. It takes him back to the first day. To shared classes, to secret touches, laying side by side, Wednesdays.

“If I wasn’t obvious already, I really,” one step, “really,” two steps, “really,” and he’s standing right in front of Renjun, “like you too.”

Renjun’s smile grows impossibly wider, and he’s so beautiful – _so, so beautiful_ – Jeno feels like a champion.

“Can I kiss you now?” He asks, suddenly nervous. It’s like it’s the first time – in a way, it is.

Renjun must feel the same way, for he blushes from root to tip, “yes please.”

So Jeno presses him against the door, and leans in.

-

What happens after are many things.

Jeno leaves officially and they hold a going-away party at Renjun’s house before the new semester starts. Donghyuck, Lucas, and Yangyang are _devastated_ they weren’t informed of Jeno and Renjun being official immediately, but of course, are happy for them.

Maybe even too happy for them.

Yangyang pretends to cry and Lucas nearly hugs them both to death. As for Donghyuck – he’s Donghyuck.

“So, did you guys do it? Cuz I honestly didn’t know for how much longer Jeno could’ve kept it in his pa –”

Thankfully, Yerim smothers him with a cushion before Renjun can combust of utter mortification.

For the days that they are back home, Renjun’s time is divided between Jeno, Chaewon, and then the rest of his friends separately. It’s not exactly a conscious decision to keep his _boyfriend_ time separate from Chaewon, but it’s a routine he doesn’t mind.

He’s aware that Chaewon isn’t _completely_ over her heartbreak yet, and so he’s determined to not rub it in her face. They talk more now, and Renjun makes sure he knows where she stands in regards to Jeno. To his comfort, she assures him that the _pangs_ to her heart are each a little duller than the last.

If anything, Renjun feels closer to Chaewon now in their times together than he ever did before.

When they’re all hanging out together, however, it can’t be avoided because Donghyuck and Hendery crack jokes about them (the former only stops when Yangyang starts on him and Mark), and Jeno is very, very touchy. But Chaewon will mock-gag or roll her eyes away and Renjun’s heart will ease up.

His parents eventually weasel it out of them (read: Jeno) during the second night Jeno stays over. They appear for breakfast the next morning and somehow Renjun’s mother just _knows_. However, knowing her son well, she doesn’t even bother asking him and heads straight to Jeno. A confirmation stutters out of his lips before Mrs Huang’s even said two words.

As fathers are, Renjun’s lives to embarrass him and gives Jeno the not-so-threatening talk of _‘if you dare hurt my son,’_ and it’s hilarious how Jeno quakes from Mr Huang’s glare.

“I – I would never dream of it, s-sir.”

“Baba, please stop. He’s gonna start crying!”

On the other hand, Jeno’s parents take it much more casually when Jeno interrupts dinner to proudly introduce Renjun as his boyfriend – to both the latter and Yeeun’s utter mortification.

“Oh my God, Jeno, sit down!” Yeeun snaps.

Renjun laughs awkwardly around his chopsticks, jittery under Mr and Mrs Lee’s wide stares. Then, Mrs Lee smiles –

“That’s nice. You’re a good boy, Renjun.”

\- and all is well.

Renjun also likes the solidarity he has with Yeeun of being utterly mortified and dumbstruck by just how _affectionate_ Jeno can be – and without shame!

He also likes it when Yeeun shows him embarrassing pictures from Jeno’s childhood one afternoon, sharing uncontrolled laughter while Jeno howls at the back about karma.

The new semester starts and leaving Jeno behind is one of the toughest things Renjun has ever done in his life. He cries like a child in Jeno’s arms when he comes with to drop him off and doesn’t even bother to hide it because _he just wants Jeno to stay_.

Jeno cards his fingers through Renjun’s hair, whispers promises against his lips, swearing he’ll never be more than a heartbeat away.

As for Chaewon, the start of the new semester means she gets to busy herself with class, studying, and work. She also takes her times away from Renjun, while he’s with Jeno, to work on herself, starting with those driving lessons she’s always been saying she’ll take.

According to Xiaojun, who sat through one of her lessons, she isn’t _half-bad_ , which earned him a smack as Chaewon quickly retorted that _she was brilliant_. With a brilliant smile to match.

Surprising everyone, on the first day of the new semester, Chaewon gets a haircut. She shows up at Building B’s lounge one afternoon, rocking a shoulder-length bob, highlights, and no more fringe.

Yangyang makes a comment about it being cliché – which Renjun hits him for – but quickly adds that she looks fantastic.

Renjun agrees, and tells her so, but can’t help feel a little sad at how he’ll no longer need to brush her fringe out of her eyes or her hair out of her face. She doesn’t forget to carry her own elastics on her wrist now, but still, Renjun never takes his off.

Contact between Renjun, Jeno and Chaewon slowly decreases as the semester settles in full throttle. Jeno’s official training period starts to inch closer, so while Renjun and Chaewon get busy juggling work and studies, Jeno throws himself into training, practising from early mornings to late evenings.

He’s had the chance to meet some of his future teammates – most of them much older and bigger than he is – but there’s one player named Jaehyun who takes him under his wing and Jeno thinks, it’ll be alright.

The whole gang gather again halfway through the semester when Jeno moves back to the city, into an apartment complex rented out for a few of the team players. There’s very little chance he’ll actually get to stay here for longer than a couple of months, as training takes place for long periods and all across the country – even the globe – but Jeno likes it because it’s closer to Renjun.

Twenty minutes, to be exact.

“Yeah, if you drive here! By bus, it’s an hour!” Renjun whines, swinging Jeno’s free arm, the other holding a box of his belongings.

Jeno sets the box down on the counter and says to him, tone teasing, “maybe, you should get your license?”

“And increase my carbon footprint? No thanks. Forget I complained, I’ll take the bus.”

“I’ll drive you, Ren,” Chaewon says, clicking her tongue. She carries in with her a box of Jeno’s video games and sets it down on the floor.

Jeno goes to move it out of harm’s way.

“It’s not far from my volunteering place.”

Renjun grumbles, “I don’t wanna make you drive here every day!”

“Every day?! For God’s sake, maybe you should just move in!”

Jeno whips his head back around to give Renjun a look – a pleading look.

“Please, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Renjun stops him before he lets the idea fester, “that means I’ll have to commute for an hour to get to class!”

Jeno bounds over, pout deepening, and Renjun shoves his face away, “maybe. We’ll see. Later.”

Though, other than class, there’s not much else to worry about. His work is the same distance away from the apartment as it is from the campus, and Renjun only goes to tutorials anyway since his lectures are recorded.

It’s more so the months Jeno will be away that scares him. At least, surrounded by the discord of students and the mirth of his friends’ constant presence, Renjun will feel less alone.

But that’s something to think about later. For now, he has to worry about Yangyang standing on the coffee table yelling at Xiaojun and Jaemin – who looks like he’s about to snap – about which way the couch should be set. According to him, the current setup of the furniture has no _fēngshuǐ,_ so now the apartment is a clutter of random furniture and boxes strewn about.

Hours later, after the apartment is moderately set up and most of the essential furniture – bed, TV, desks – have been assembled, Renjun starts on the kitchen. He puts away the cutlery where he knows Jeno will find them and lectures him on chores, such as dishwashing and laundry, which he shouldn’t leave till the last minute.

“Do you understand, Jeno Lee?” Renjun wags his finger at him, “wash every dish after you’ve used it or else one day you’ll end up with a mountain of dishes and be too lazy to do any of them but will also be starving. Same with laundry.”

“There’s takeout,” Jeno says with a smirk, snaking his arms around Renjun’s waist. He pecks his lips.

“And laundry? What’re you gonna do? Buy new clothes?” Renjun frowns, “that’s wasteful. And takeout isn’t good for you – especially you! You need to eat healthy to sustain your training! God, you’re actually gonna end up killing yourself –“

“Ren, babe,” Jeno presses a kiss to Renjun’s neck, hands gripping on his hips, “relax. I’ll take care of myself.”

Minus Chaewon and Yangyang, who are building a shelf for Jeno store his video games, the rest of their friends are out getting pizza. All of them had to go because Yerim won’t eat pineapples whereas Hendery will, Donghyuck wants bubble tea, and Mark is going because he’s his boyfriend; Lucas and Xiaojun want to get fried chicken as well and Jaemin is simply the mediator.

In this moment of stillness, while Yangyang and Chaewon are hunched over a sheet of instructions – pictures, really – Jeno slips a hand under Renjun’s shirt. Lays open-mouthed kisses along his neck.

The kitchen is open to the lounge, so even though Jeno has him pressed against the sink, hidden by his own body, Renjun can’t help but swat his hands away.

“Stop,” he scolds Jeno, blood rushing to his cheeks, “not now.”

Jeno pouts, puppy-eyes taking over.

“Jeno, that’s not gonna work right now.”

Of course to Jeno, that translates to _try harder._

Chaewon chooses that moment to turn around just as Jeno was about to kiss his neck again. On reflex, Renjun elbows Jeno away.

“Do we have a smaller screwdriver?” She asks, digging through the pillowcase of tools set on the counter, “we need a smaller star one.”

Thankfully, Jeno quickly deciphers Renjun’s glare, and with a nod, backs away.

Renjun clears his throat, “I don’t think so. If it’s not in there then, no. This is all Lucas gave us.”

Chaewon hums, “okay, let’s see what we can do.”

She lifts her eyes to notice Renjun’s ears tipped red and Jeno standing an odd distance away from them both, hands shoved deep into his pockets. She’s noticed he does that whenever Renjun nags at him to keep his hands off. She’s noticed Renjun only does so when she’s nearby, otherwise quick to give into and return Jeno’s affection.

So, Chaewon whips around and walks back over to Yangyang, “let’s go to the store.”

“Huh? Why?” Yangyang looks up from the instructions, his hair a mess from pulling.

“We need a smaller screwdriver or else this won’t work.”

Yangyang makes a confused noise, “we can just –“

“Let’s gooooo!” She yanks him up by the arm without waiting for another excuse.

“Oh my God, okay, okay! Let me go to the bathroom first.”

While Yangyang’s gone, Chaewon pulls on her coat and tells Renjun they’ll be back in time with the others. That she’ll text before they come in.

Renjun goes beet red at the implication, burying his face into his hands while Chaewon stifles a chuckle.

Because Yangyang is Yangyang, he takes his sweet time and very soon Chaewon starts to feel awkward, unable to not notice the way Jeno is inching closer to an apprehensive Renjun.

Finally, Yangyang returns with his jacket slung around his shoulders, “let’s go.”

Just before they head out the door, Chaewon checks back over her shoulder, through the gap in the doorway just as Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun’s middle, love and tenderness stretched across his features.

He leans in, and with waning uncertainty, Renjun smiles and closes the distance.

“Oi, are you coming or what?” Yangyang shouts from the bottom flight of stairs.

“Yeah, yeah,” Chaewon yells back.

Then with a smile, heart lighter than it’s been in months, she shuts the door and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the ending wasn't too disappointing. Truthfully, this fic started with a single conversation in mind, in which it goes "so you're dating renjun's friend because renjun asked you to but you like renjun" "yes", as well as the grand confession scene on the field, and finally, this one of Chaewon walking away. Starting this, I had no idea this would turn out to be such a... monster! But as I was writing it, I couldn't stop weaving in parts of me that I wanted to be in the story - such as volunteering (lmao), college things, growing up, etc etc. And so somehow, this turned into a little bit of a coming-of-age story?????? Not really BUT ANYWHO!!! This fic is very different from my other fics in which it is not so much fluff and more drama - angst??????? - and that none of the main characters are exactly, good? Even at the end of the story. While I believe they aren't bad either, it's just to highlight that different values/morals can coexist without one being labelled as bad! I GUESS LMAO IDK WHAT IM GOING ON ABOUT ANYMORE ANYWAY IM DONE THANKS FOR READING IF YOU READ UPTO HERE HAVE A COOKIE~~~ 
> 
> I have another fic I plan to finish before I start uni again next week, so I hope to see you all soon. Thanks so much for reading until now. Thanks so much for your patience. I'm sorry if I've caused any offense writing this. I'm constantly trying to improve and learn.
> 
> Thank you again.

**Author's Note:**

> My intention is to give Chaewon the last line of every chapter and ultimately the last line of the fic as well, but we'll see how we go!! Anyways, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!  
> Please leave me comments and kudos! I highly appreciate them!!
> 
> Talk to me on twt: [xinqrens](https://twitter.com/xinqrens)  
> Or: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/angelcakkes)


End file.
